Epic Hell Battles In Purgatory

Almost Ghosts

There was the day after the laughter, after the rain, after the pain. 
Ah, to find a friend, the human condition of attrition burned into the brain. 
Either to win or to never feel again, Can you believe in a day after the end? 
They're not alive, They only survive, those almost ghosts we can't revive.
Low burning fires, low glowing souls, waiting for mercy to save them
So late a season, so void of the reason he gave them. 
So late in the hour, lost strength, lost power, gone though I still crave them. 
Can you see those almost ghosts, can you see that one in the mirror?
Do you see them staring back at you? Could the image be any clearer? 
To awaken from a bad dream, A parking lot, an old payphone, forsaken in a bad scene.
All alone because you chose wrong, because you believed in change. Very strange. 
Do you see those almost ghosts, haunted, daunted, who walk like the dead with empty eyes? 
Do you walk among the crowd of the lost? Do you feel the kinship, the vibe of the tribe?
Is there no reason or rhyme in this grand design? Is there no plan from above?
A heart of any age still bleeds, still needs.... love.

 

Ain't life a kick? Some days you kick the blues. Some days the blues kick you. Some days you are the foot, some days you are the butt. Though we should try our best to stay positive, it's not simply about attitude. The human heart is more like the wave on an oscilloscope. High and low, high and low. A straight line ain't good. Sometimes we've got to deal with days that are not exactly sunshine. But even rain can be soothing sometimes. And sometimes we need that rain just as much as we ever needed the sun. Certain figurative devils should be avoided at all costs. Stay away from those particular devils, and remember, not all beautifully sculptured gates lead to Heaven. Many lead to a place a bit south. I understand wanting to escape reality, but some things are worse than reality, far worse. And when worse becomes reality, we call it hell. Even if you're still on Earth. So, stay the hell away. Speaking of hell, It's freaking hot here! Heat, hellacious heat. Even the demons went back home to cool down for a while. Anyway, Hello Universe, Hello Void. Hello to the pitch darkness between the stars. Hello to the fade. Hello to television snow. Am I yet crazy enough to expect an answer? As Pinhead said, Not quite. But if it ever comes to that, I'll be legendary. Even in the funny farm. But I'm not there yet. Not quite. For some reason I am still holding on. I'm still holding it together like Scotty. You could say I'm giving it all she's got. I can only control what is within my ability. Worrying about anything beyond my control is an express ticket to the nuthouse. And I am crazy enough as it is. There is just so much out of my reach. Graceful angels and second chances. How can I see them so clearly when they're so far away? Just like the stars, they seem so close, such wondrous beauty radiating through the universe, so clear in my eyes, so far beyond my reach. How did it ever come to this? Such questions echo through the void because asking the void is a bit counterproductive, right? The void is not one for great conversations. Therein the root of loneliness lives. Please don't place false images of hope before my eyes. I have to know if it's really all over forevermore. It is not a matter of whether I can face the truth anymore. No matter if I can or can't, the truth is barreling in at full speed. And if that's the case, I think it's something I should face while still standing, while still on my feet. If it's over, if it's all over, I need to know. I could go on and on about how I don't need anybody. I could go on and on about how lonely I am. It's the difference a day makes. Roll the dice. Spin the big wheel. You're the next contestant on The Wie's Not Right. I don't need, expect, or even desire anybody to solve my problems for me. Such as it is, I take ownership of my own mess. What I often feel is that I do need is to know I am not alone. Nobody's got to solve anything. Just be around. And that solves more than I am often willing to admit. I know, I know. I am not the variety of human being that should need reassurance that everything's going to be okay. I am supposed to be the tough one. I am supposed to be the independent one. Just John Rambo in the middle of the jungle, becoming war to survive war. Except Stallone fits that role far better. Grandly designed the universe may be, but casting and doling out roles to souls could use some improvement. I am not a hero. Just a human being. And regardless of how I try to suppress them out in the world, I have feelings. To me, arguing takes too much time, energy, and sanity. I'll state my viewpoint once, but I won't try to convince those who won't see it that way. Reality exists whether believed in or not. It can be ignored, filtered, spun, but never truly changed. Unlike with the uncertainty principle, it is the same even when nobody's looking. Sometimes, I think this extreme heat is literally and truly going to be the death of me. It's the absolute worst of those dog days. Spicy Purgatory or Hell Lite. You decide. Epic hell battles in Purgatory. It seems I'm not the only one too cheap for AC this year. Yep, except for demons, devils, rock breaking, and coal shoveling eternity, recent times have had all the hallmarks of Hell. Extreme heat, lamentations, and regret. Speaking of Hallmark Hell, the number one selling item there is the "Wish You Were Here" card. Misery loves company. Though I much prefer company chasing misery away. Yadda Yadda Yoda. Is it live, or is it Mustafar? It certainly ain't the Disco Inferno. Oh, Great Oblivia, love of my life, my hero, my Joan Of Arc, I give all the praise and all the glory to you. Even if there is no heaven, there are no more tears in oblivion either. There will be no more pain. Everything that ever was.... Is over. The dead know not. Therefore, they suffer not. That is if there is oblivion. If Oblivia exists, then she is the kindest, the most merciful of all the angels. No more tears. No more pain. It is finally over. I am finally free. It is the sleep of peace, that eternal rest, the closest to justice we'll ever get.... If there is no heaven. If there is no God. Oblivia is my only hope. The only woman besides my dear mother and dear sister who will ever truly love me. Wow, that reads back a bit darker than I wrote it.... No more tears... No more tears in Heaven.... So sad, so beautiful. Yet a bit defeatist and dreary if you ask me. Would you believe that I make a serious effort for positivity most every day? No, really! Actually, some days it works and some days it does not. Nobody loves a grouch, right? Soooo, I try not to be one. Though today I could have admittedly put Oscar (and myself for that matter) to shame..... Between the heat and the heavy thoughts, it's just difficult sometimes. Mornings are tough, and sometimes the nights are even tougher... Especially when the 'ol brain refuses to shut down and I've got half the night to think. ....And the next day, the role of myself is played by Zombie Meeeee... (RRRRAINS!) And this heat of late has had me feeling ten years older. I can't wait to get through August... Although, September is family birthday month.... With only one of us I can call on the phone to wish a happy one to.... I guess every month has its challenges.... January, March, July, September, and November are my most challenging. Every day, too, is a challenge. I wish for myself (and for all of you) success... Or, as the Klingons say, Q'PLAH!!!!! Rest well, my fellow warriors. Let me quote a favorite author of mine: "We go crazy with togetherness and we go crazy with loneliness." I'm paraphrasing a line from "The Stand," but it is just as true as many things I have read... And permit me to go a little further: I think it's extremes we humans don't do well with... Just as in too hot or too cold or how we say too much of most anything ain't good. Knowing myself, I'd go absolutely bonkers if I didn't get at least some solitude..... Yet, too much makes me feel unwanted and blah blah blah, poor little me. On Tuesday, I am Independence! 'Merica, Heck yeah! On Wednesday, I am (Oh, I'm so lonely!) Guess I'll never figure myself out. (And I'm no spring chicken) (Just an old space cadet) So If I ever get this right, it's gonna be a fourth quarter Hail Mary sorta thing. Is it human nature just not to be satisfied? For the grass to be greener in the space where we're not? Maybe. Some of us are just restless souls, I guess. It may not seem so, but once upon a time in a land of naivety, I actually had a plan. But it seems the greatest plans of mice and men will come crashing down when built around the wrong people, places, or things. I can at least say this, yet I am the type to stay put where I am... I love stability. I like to know the ground is solid under my feet. I like things to be a little predictable, but not TOO predictable. Extremes again? Yep.... So here I go, 'round and 'round. I have seen some lonely people out there. I feel their pain. I know what it feels like. Great God, all too well. I wish that it would help them to say they're not alone at being alone. It's like that song by The Police, "Message In A Bottle". Corny, silly, but it's true. I understand it. Love, unrequited or love gone wrong. They both hurt. Loved ones lost, even worse. I understand that kind of pain. I have seen all. Continuing to feel it like yesterday... Please don't give up. Don't wall yourselves off. I know that's the drive because I feel it, too. I wish I didn't but I do... Everything I ever had, Everything I ever was.... This and more I would give away if only someone ever wanted it from me or ever wanted me for their own. Here I am, arms wide open, but all alone like Brian Jones. Don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather die in the arms of someone who truly loved me than live the life I just saw... Though I would never want to hurt them by doing so. (Paradox!) This world can be so harsh to those of us who didn't get things right the first time. But, how could we have known? Love is blind and stupid sometimes. Though it can be the most beautiful thing ever, Love can be the most painful thing there ever was.. People sing about it's softness, but rarely the blade that cuts so deep. See the only time love is ever beautiful is when in the arms of the one you love. Unrequited or gone wrong.... is always painful. And friends, I have seen both. It has driven the soundest souls to insanity. But me, merely this darker contemplation. Between so many of the things that has happened in my life, the dear ones I have lost, there is this weird numbness. It comes and goes and kicks me in the ass sometimes. Out of nowhere. If I happen to be out in public and expected to act normal, it can be quite a bitch. Though I have become quite the great great actor. Too bad Hollywood hasn't discovered me, huh? Still, autographs are 200 bucks. Some hours are darker than others. My goodness, if it has been one thing I have learned, this is a truth that cuts so deeply. Wouldn't is be so wonderful if Heaven truly abounded and surrounded our lives, kept us in the comfort of peace, kept us from pain, saved us from regret and lamentations. Wouldn't it wonderful if the soul could thrive, if the heart could sing. The soul is beautiful but the world can be so ugly sometimes. Even in that darkness, you must listen for that positive voice..... Listen deep below the well and beyond the wail of all that negativity.... Everything's going to be alright. Whatever happens, you will handle it okay.... Trust yourself. Have a bit of love for yourself... You don't hold others under this brutal requirement for perfection. What makes you better? What holds you to an impossible standard? Cut the bullshit and accept your imperfections. I won't sugarcoat things. You are an imperfect human being. You fell short a few times, but you are a human being with love in your heart and a conscious soul.... Never think yourself unworthy. Think of what you would do now... If you only could. Time makes fools of us all. It doesn't mean we stop trying. It doesn't mean we stop growing. It certainly does not make you unworthy of love. I am neither angel nor devil. Some viewpoints and judgments should be left to others. I don't claim to be any more than just a human being making my way through life and this world. Still, I think there are good people who deserve better, good hearts who truly deserve love and not to be used. It also seems that nobody, good or bad, ever seems to get what they deserve. Imperfect people, an imperfect world, and I'm one of them living in it. It's not easy, my friends. I once tried several self-help books but quickly realized they were scams. One of them particularly annoyed me. Instead of voicing any constructive advice, the book went on and on about this poor soul left to suffer at the hands of the Nazis, just on and on about how my life is so wonderful compared to the fate of millions who were put through unspeakable hell by those devils masquerading as human beings. I don't disagree in one sense, but in another, how does their misery make my life any better? Their suffering accomplished nothing except for the perverse sadists who committed those atrocities. No human being, no creature that has feelings should ever have been treated in such a way. The only benefit there ever happened to be to those who exploited those poor souls. And if hell actually exists, I'm sure the lowest level is reserved for their tormentors. But, that poor soul's misery has nothing to do with my life, here and now. Saying that I should feel better because people have it worse than me is just as wrong as saying I should feel bad because someone has it better than me. All I know is I could never bring myself to hurt another human being, or for that matter, any creature with feelings. I can't understand how a heart could be so cold or how a mind could be so evil as to take pleasure from the pain of others. I just don't understand. So don't expect me to see sunshine and rainbows because evil people exist. I am neither an angel nor a demon, but I could never hurt anyone... The only way I would would be in defense of myself and the people I love. That book has one theme in common with social media: comparison. Comparison is a one-way ticket to hell on earth. I used to think the robot apocalypse would at least have cool elements of metalic voices, deathrays and blinking lights with Cylons doing the freakazoid and saying we humanoids are not well constructed and Armhold Musclehuggah saying "Hasta la vista, baby" before getting to the choppa. Nope.... Turns out it's not being able to reach a human being on the phone, art losing creativity, and every other YouTube video being absolute AI garbage. I think I'd prefer the lasers. There are companies such as that insufferable AT&T that think their phone AI is Robo Jesus Christ or something. I am so glad I am free of those criminals! If they ever buy out my current internet or phone services, I will drop them like a hot coal from Hell. Never but ever again, my friends. I wish those crooks would go bankrupt and disappear forever. It would be the best thing for telecommunications ever. They are the real evil empire and the real great Satan combined. And I have never sincerely wished any entity to go to hell as much as I have wished it for them. It's been three years, and I still hate them with a passion beyond words. To hell with those cock knockers and the robot they rode in on. Okay... New adventure. I have basically been signed up for two internet services for the past year. It's been that way since I moved. I had kept the old service going for various reasons. And I have been playing hell to stop the old service. Basically, the way you end service with Vision ISP is you turn in the router before the first of the month.... (Or you get charged for a whole month). Well, I have spent the past two weeks trying to call these folks... Straight to voicemail every time. I had texted once and have called like an obsessive ex every single day. No response. I sent my son over to their office and it appears they have moved without a trace. So, I've been basically pulling my hair out.... And that ain't good because I can't rock the bald look like Patrick Stewart, Telly Savalas, or Yule Brynner.... "I will never let your people go!" Soooo... I went into the invoice and found I can cancel authorization to charge my card.... So I sent them a brand new text and said..... Contact me so I can return the router, But July is my last month of service....... Soooo. Guess we'll see what will happen.