Letter 4

 

 

 

 

Hi Sis....

I guess this the so-called back to 'normal' day. Except, I sure don't feel that way. I can't understand how it can ever really be normal again. I woke up way too early this morning. I thought 'might as well get ready' and so I did. So Now I am sitting here, totally ready (in one way) but not ready at all (In many ways) to get in my car and head to my job. I know it has to be done. Still my heart is just not in it. Sis, I only thought I felt grief before in my life, but losing you has taught me that there was a level far beyond what I could have ever understood.... Until now. This is hurting no less than it did the day that I lost you. I don't see how this is ever going to fade. Maybe there is something down the road that I could possibly understand. But I just can't see it. You know, I got a bunch of 80's and 90's movies last year and I was thinking back then with some of them This would be a good one to watch with you. These fandoms and these things that I enjoy, they're so much better when they can be shared with someone who loves them just as much. There were all these things that we shared. Now, it's really just me. I don't see how it's ever going to be the same. Yet, today Am I supposed to just go on like nothing happened? If that's the case, I don't think I can. It is just not possible. I miss you so damned much. 

It has been one week and one day. And here I am going through the motions of my day to day. But I just can't go on like nothing happened, like I didn't lose you. That's impossible. That would be like somebody losing a limb and walking arould like la la la, nothing's different. I simply can't do that. So, in other words, I have no idea what I am going to do. I guess the short answer is I'll do what I have to do, even if I must make myself do whatever that may be. I just don't know, Sis. I just don't know. I am not the same. I totally meant it when I said part of myself is gone. I know you would understand. That's the thing, really. There were things about me that only you knew or could possibly understand. I know that others care and mean well, but only you could truly know. You know, Similar operating systems, different computers. That was you and I. 

I look out now to see that it's a sunny day, the birds are singing, and that freezing cold weather we had the day of and the day after your ceremony has gone away. The Sun shines and the birds sing. As I said earlier, It's like that old song by Herman's Hermits. As the lyrics go, Don't they know? Life goes on for the rest of us. There is no stopping this world from turning. It just goes on and on and on.

I understand this logically of course, but in a slightly different form of What Sarek said in Star Trek 3, Logic fails me where my little sister is concerned. Yes I understand, yet I don't understand. I know you would totally get what I'm saying here, but others? I just don't know. You and I were on this uniquely awesome wavelength, and now the frequency's silent except for my own voice. Just silent static, that's all that's left. I find myself going over the same words again and again, yet what are words, really? They were just confirmation, really.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about the special disk I made. I couldn't sleep at all for a while, so I started going through a lot of my old files. The first thing I found was my copy of "Our Town" In which you played Emily. I don't know if it was the exact performance I came to see, but definitely the same production. It was at TCC in Tallahassee. I haven't had the courage to re-watch it yet. Lets just say I'd have trouble seeing. All I need is my own memory of being there to know you were absolutely wonderful. Anyway I made ISO images of the DVD's, one for each act. Then l added all our old pictures. I hopefully also properly saved your Buzz and Jenna website. I promise that if Angelfire ever goes away, I'll make sure it gets hosted somewhere. And do you remember "The T Disk"? you made that for me back in the day. It had a bunch of cool stuff that we both liked. Futurama, Sargent Hartman, Mr T, and that cool Suzanne Vega parody I Dream Of Jeannie TV Land promo. Remember that? "I am sitting on the sofa, there's a TV in the corner......." Anyway, I just found everything I could and I made me a special disk. Maybe a psychologist would say I'm saving everything else because I couldn't save you. Maybe I'm crazy, but oh well if I am. Maybe because I will never forget you, I want to make sure nobody else does either. Of course there are others who like myself could never forget you, nor would they want to. I just want to make it so that even an archaeologist in 5000 years is gonna know who you are. Remember that Egyptian episode of Futurama? Except the giant statue I would build would say "Remember Her!" "Remember Her!" 

Okay I'm getting silly with my allusions, but my main point is so long as I live, I am going to make sure that if even in a small way, so do you. Plus, I happen to know of several others who love you just as much as I do. You happen to be in quite a few hearts, and on quite a few minds. You went from having just one address to having many. You most certainly live here. 

I love you and I always will. 

Letter 3

 

 

 

Hey Sis, It's me.

It's been quite a couple of days. Friday, Carol and I picked you up from that place in Chipley. There was something extremely surreal about that. Yes, it was extremely sad, but it was also just... I am not sure what word would fit.. We all got into Carol's car, And of course we all had to have a moment. It was pretty damned profound. Dad had some stuff to sign, so that was where we three were off to next. While Carol and Dad were taking care of the papers, You and I were across from them in the room. Yes, That wasn't the first time you and I were kicked back just chilling together, But there were a couple of particulars about that situation that reminded me of back when maybe you were 2 or so and I was maybe 10. You know, the time I literally carried you around. As I said, surreal. I did want to tell you that I finally got some real sleep that night when I got home. I did a total Victor Newman from that scene with Jack, You know our favorite one? Except when I fell over, I made sure it was something better than the floor under me. After a week of 3 hours here, 4 hours there, and none at all for a couple nights, Suddenly it was 13 hours later. I guess the body takes what it needs despite what's happening with the mind, huh? Anyway, The next morning I got myself together and went to our sister's house. You see, yesterday was the big day. I think everything fell into place quite nicely, though we had to put it all together rather quickly, as we wanted as many of the family as possible to be able to attend, and that just happened to be where schedules coincided. Still It was beautiful. It is my hope and belief that this is not the only way that you and our Aunt Nell are now in close proximity. I would like to think that the two of you are hanging out and talking like you used to back in the day. That would really do my old heart good to know. After the ceremony, Eric, Your husband, gave me a special gift. He said you would want me to have it. It was once a Christmas present from me to you, heck I think it's been 25 years ago. Remember that talking Captain Picard action figure I gave you? I know you would say so, and probably look at me as to say "You think I wouldn't?". I remember there was a way we could make him sound like he was cursing. His "Damage Report!" kinda sounded like "Dammit, The Borg!" and we could make him say "Dammit Engage!" and so on. That was a very special gift Eric gave me, and It means so much to me. It reminds me of so many times just hanging out with you. I remember that Christmas morning how I saw your face light up when you opened that gift and how I realized I had chosen wisely when picking it out. It meant so very much to me, and I am so very grateful to Eric. Anyway, After the ceremony, We had some errands to run. Well, that's putting it too simply. It involved our parents and it wasn't easy is a better way to put it. But I want to skip up to the part where Captain Picard was in the passenger seat of my car and I was at the helm. I said, "Orders, Sir?" And, in my best Jean Luc Picard voice, the good Captain replied, "Set a course for the Chipley Food Mart, Maximum Warp Engage!" And I complied with the Captain's orders. We stopped for 'Supplies'. You know the ones, Sis.  Then when I got home, The good Captain and I had a drink or three to you. And just because this day has come and gone, Don't ever think I'm going to forget about you. Not that you would think that because you know me probably better than anyone. You know I am going to carry you with me in both mind and heart every single day that I have left. Not even the amnesia like on "All My Circuits" would make me ever forget you. (Besides, How would I ever watch Futurama without thinking about you?) Or Star Trek, Or Beetlejuice, Or Nightmare 4, or anything? Oh, and remember a couple of weeks ago when you said you were going to teach me how to play The Sims? I have decided I'm going to learn how anyway. If you loved that game, I know I would too. I keep saying this, but I really feel like we're very similar operating systems, just installed on different computers. I guess tomorrow will be the start of me going back to work and getting back to 'normal'. It can't really be normal. Not having my baby sister around and knowing you are not just a phone call away will never ever be normal to me. This is just my life without you. I guess it is the new normal, But i just don't see it ever feeling that way. But as the poster in the very first episode of Futurama says, "You've gotta Do What You've Gotta Do." Remember the expression on the dude in the poster's face? Well, that's pretty much me right now. I just want you to know that going on is a million miles away from ever forgetting you. You might as well ask me to forget myself as to forget my sister. Not happening. 

I Love You And I Always Will. 

Letter Two

 

 

 

 

Hey, Sis It's me again.

  So soon? Yeah, yeah, I know. I can't really motivate myself to do anything else. Can't really think of anything else.  Just you. I went and ran a few errands for Dad, this morning, His groceries, his meds, and yadda yadda Yoda. I managed to get a few things for myself and your nephews, too. I had planned on putting off my own errands for maybe another week. I've just got no motivation at all. It seems I'm letting everything around me fall apart. I guess I'll get better as time goes by. That's what people do, right? Right now, I really can't say. There is this void in my soul. You're irreplaceable. There is nothing that could occupy my mind or fill my heart in those empty places left behind. I miss you so much. I love you and I always will. So long as my soul exists, no matter where, how, or in what form, I will always love you. It is not only what I think or how I feel. It is who I am. It is my very essence, It is my true being, part of who I am, a part of me as you too are a part of me. I will carry that with me for as long as I exist, in whatever way that I exist.  I know you would have stayed if you could, Just like I would have saved you if I could. I think of all the times you stood up for me. You were the best guardian ever. You were like Alice Johnson in our favorite Nightmare movie. Kindhearted and caring, but a total warrior for those you loved. Commander Worf would have been proud, and so am I. Of you, yes. But of me? I just don't know. You were my guardian, And I was supposed to be your guardian. Part of the big brother job description. But, I could not save you. I could not protect you. And that's what really hurts. I am so sorry. The fact that I couldn't is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.  Now, I know what you would say, and yes, you're right, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I know that's not what you would want, And I promise, Sis, I'll try to be better about that. But, I just can't right now, not yet. Maybe in time. 

I have another errand to run later today and it involves both you and our sister. It's not something I am really looking forward to, But I would be a very lousy brother to you both if I didn't.  I want to be worthy. I want to live up to everything you said I was. I know this is a bit of a crazy request, but if there is any way you can reach us both, we're really going to need you today. I know I must sound like I'm losing my marbles, and maybe I am. As I said, It always seem to me that you could almost read my thoughts. We were like the same operating system, just on different computers. We didn't always need words to know what the other was thinking. There was very little that I could hide from you. If something was wrong, You had this knack for knowing exactly what it was. We should have went on one of those game shows or something. I think we'd clean out the cash. We'd be top hat and monocle rich. Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon? Indeed, I do: Those blasted pigeons! 

Something that I've been dreading, Sis, Is I'm going to probably have to get back to work next week. Those bill collectors would have their hand out even if the world were ending. And, in some ways, It kinda did end. It's not exactly the work I dread, but the people. They're going to want to talk about things that I don't. I honestly hope nobody brings up any political crap. Yes, yes, I'll try my best not to shout, but this was never political, and now it's personal.  I disliked that nonsense before I lost you, But now I have an extreme hatred for it. It does not matter which camp the jibba jabba comes from. All people ever do is run their mouths and all that hot air did not save my little sister. They are free to talk among themselves, but they's just better not involve me. Sorry for ranting like that, Sis. This is not what these letters are supposed to be about. My emotions are just all over the place, I feel sad, lonely, depressed, sometimes numb, and sometimes angry. Though where this anger should be directed, I really don't know. Just know that within all of this is my extreme love for you. I think that's why I feel so strongly in all these other ways. I just love you. And I feel that this was not supposed to happen.  You deserved better. Your story should have had many more chapters. We should have been able to see each other with hair as white as Doc Brown's. You were going to show me how to play The Sims. All this cool stuff should have been ahead of us. 

I started this second letter hoping that maybe I could distract myself by talking about more of my favorite memories with you, But it seems I have rambled on about other things. I'll try for that next time.  Meanwhile, I've got to rest up (If I can) for that errand I was telling you about earlier. Just please know I love you. I always have and I always will. There is a place in this old heart made only for you. I will never forget you. You will always be there. 

Your Bro

Letter Number One

 

 

 

 

Hey Sis, It's your big bro here. 

I am going to both imagine and hope that this first letter reaches you somehow, some way, no matter where in this vast multiverse you happen to be. I miss you so terribly. It has been a rough several days since you left. I should be sleeping right now, But every time I get still and things get quiet... Well... I just remember the last time I saw you. I know that this is not only hard for me, but it is also very unfair and does not do you justice. That was only one memory. We had so many more. They were much better, happier ones at that. 

It is those memories I would rather fill my mind and occupy my dreams. Remember how when we were playing Phoenix on that old Atari 2600 and Mom would call us for supper? We'd just have to get to that level with the ship so we could move our guy out of harms way. It was supposed to be aliens and our guy was (I guess) some ground unit like in Space Invaders. But, To us, our guy was a spider and the aliens were birds trying to destroy it with their deadly poop. The ship? Oh that was just a spaceship with bad sewage problems. So long as we could get to that level and move our spider over to be safe from the bird crap, we could avoid ruining our game and still get to the supper table before Mom would run out of patience waiting for us. "Just a second!" "We need to get to the next ship!" 

You know I could never really play the guitar, and never could do any of the chords. So I tuned it in such a way that I could hold the frets and strum on the strings and halfway mimic some of our favorite songs. Remember that, Sis? And even though I was playing it all wrong, you would look at me with such awe and admiration. I kind of felt like a rock star or some sort of folk singer because of that. Just with only one fan. We'd do voice impressions of our favorite characters from TV and Movies. I remember you especially getting a kick out of my Lt. Worf and Commander Doc Brown Kluge of the Klingon Defense Force. "Damn it, Kirk, I wanna play Sonic 2! GIVE ME GENESIS!" "When this Bird Of Prey reaches 88 Million Miles An Hour, You're gonna see some serious shit!" And how we laughed and laughed. I could be in the crappiest go to hell mood, and you would always cheer me up without even trying. I got you started on the Beatles and Star Trek. But, it was you that introduced me to Futurama. If it were not for you, would I have even discovered that awesome show? With every episode I watch, I always think of you. 

I have so many memories of you and they're not going to fit in one single letter. Plus I want to talk to you about the goings on of my life as I always have.  It's not as good as being able to just dial your number or seeing you in person, But I've simply got to do something. I just can't simply let you go like that. I hope maybe this will too help me deal with things. You were always the one I would call when I needed somebody to listen. And remember? You could always call me if you needed the same. This is the first bad thing that has happened to me where I could not call and tell you about it. It's just so damned difficult, Sis. Just how exactly am I going to just go on? I guess maybe these letters are a start. You'll be hearing from me again soon. 

I Love You,

Big Bro

Freefall

 

 

 

 If I ever doubted the connection between one's mental state and their physical being, I certainly don't now. 

I have never felt anything like this. 

I've lost many loved ones over my lifetime. My Grandpa and Grandma Kent, My Granny Sasser, My Aunt Nell, Several of my friends who were very dear to my heart. But I must admit that the loss I feel for my baby sister hurts me far more than anything else in my life. I've been through a lot of tough times in my life, But this is by far the toughest. When I say this has even made me physically sick, I am not exaggerating at all. I feel ill. My stomach is in knots, I am finding it difficult to get my balance, My head is swimming, It feels like what I would imagine a bad trip on some awful drug to be like. I've been having trouble sleeping. I managed 3 hours Monday night, maybe 4 hours last night, And That's all I've had since I think, Saturday? I'm not sure. There is one hell of a fog in my head right now. I can't seem to wrap my mind around that fact that she's gone. 

We had a shared love for many things. Star Trek for one. I had recorded the entire Viewer's Choice marathon off of Fox 28. The picture was fuzzy, and as that tape wore over time, It had all the signs of an old VHS tape. She would come over and we would watch it again and again. We were both fans of the Beetlejuice cartoon, and I had yet another fuzzy Fox 28 tape full of episodes that we would watch together. We had a shared love for the Atari 2600 game 'Phoenix' and we would play it for hours while listening to the Beatles or some of the other music I had in my collection. We also both had this obsession with the Victor Newman vs Jack Abbot rivalry on "The Young And The Restless".  We weren't allowed to watch certain horror movies when we were kids. Certainly not Freddy Kruger. And for a while I only had Nightmare Part 4. That was another VHS tape we completely wore out watching over and over. We knew that movie forward and backwards. We even came up with parodies of the soundtrack. Sinead O'Connor's "Put Your Hands On Me." Became "Put Your Glove On me." and so on.  You know, As I think of this, The movie's main character, Alice Johnson reminds me of my little sister. Especially at the end of the movie where she became strong and was able to defeat Freddy. My little sister was like that. I never had a guardian quite like her. I can't tell you the many times that suddenly there she was, standing up for me. 

When she moved away, we spent a lot of time on the phone. Since she had better internet in the city, she would look up cool things online and make me disks. We'd do silly voices on tape and mail them to each other. We even came up with our own characters. One day a VHS tape arrived in the mail that had a show I had never seen before, but she told me that I would love it. It was Futurama. The first episode on the tape was not the first episode of the show, but a later one called "The Cryonic Woman" where Bender was terrorizing that poor old man in the cryogenic chamber. "Relax Chum, I'm not a giant fly. I'M A HORRIBLE ROBOT!!!!" She was right. I laughed my ass off and I have loved that show ever since.  I don't think I could watch the end of "Luck Of The Fryish" without thinking about her. My kids are all grown. So I'll never have a daughter. But, If I did, I would name her after my little sister, Just as Yancy Fry named his son after his little brother. And for the same reason. I miss her so much and I just can't even picture how I am going to get beyond this. I have been through a lot of crap in my life, But this is by far the worst. At least with those other times, I could pick up the phone, and dial her number and she would always be there to listen. I have this crazy thought I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and be able to give her a call. "Sis, I've had this horrible dream. What are your plans for the week?" And then, Driving anxiety or no, I'd hop in my car and make that 70 mile trip and maybe hang out at her apartment for a few days. We's go out to Gordo's. And she would order my favorite food for me because I was never able to pronounce it and she was spot on in her pronunciation.  Then we'd hit the second hand stores and look for cool treasure. And afterwards, Hang out at Prime Time with a big plate of nachos, My favorite drinky, the "Miami Vice" and the coolest little sister a brother could have. "You wouldn't believe this nightmare I had, Sis." "Isn't it crazy?" "Isn't it the most messed up dream in the world?"  Believe me, I'd rather Freddy Kruger show up in my nightmares, than have this nightmare of a reality. 

I miss you so much. 

Worst Day Of My Life

 I guess a little context is in order. I have often in my life kept some kind of a journal. Writing is the way I deal with my thoughts and feelings. It is also the best way I express myself. On the day I began this blog, I deleted all my older stuff. Why? Because I lost my baby sister and best friend on January 23, 2022. The self I was ended on that day. The self that I am began. I honestly felt that everything I had ever written before was just irrelevant. My little sister was only 40 years old. After a couple attempts at trying to talk about all the emotions, all over the place in this old heart of mine, I decided at first to write a series of letters to my sister. Later as I more and more considered her to be a forever living part of this universe, my letters to my sister became my letters to the universe. Make no mistake, I am still writing to her. In my mind, Hello Universe, Hello, Sister, and Hello, Marsha are all saying the same thing. This is also about my long journey from that dark day, a journey I am far from finished. It is a journey that will most likely continue until I join her where she is. I am making my best effort to bring back as much of my old self that I can. That's part of this journey, rediscovering exactly who that is. It is a very long story, but I have plenty of time and plenty of words. This blog is dedicated to my beloved sister, guardian, warrior, and best friend, Marsha Kent Rodriguez. 

I love you forever, Sis.

                                           JWK / AEB March 23, 2023. 

 

Previously it was December 31, 2008, The day my ex-wife abandoned me without warning like an empty soda can in a convenience store parking lot.  Even before that, It was November 2, 2004 when I got into that car accident. But no more, no more... January 23, 2022. Behold the winner and new champion of the worst day of this life...  

At 5:18 pm Eastern Time January 23, 2022, I lost someone very special to me. I was there and I saw it happen, but even then part of me keeps denying it is possible, That the phone will ring and it will be her on the other end, Either just wanting to chat or really needing someone to talk to, and we'll spend our usual hour or more going from subject to subject, from the serious to the outrageously silly. That was us, really.  There is no way I stood there in that hospital room, covered in protective gear, while the room seemed to get smaller and smaller, and just watched as my baby sister slipped away. Surely this was all a bad dream, right? Right? There is no way something this horrible could be in fact, reality? 

 

 

The following is a little something I wrote last night that I have decided to share here.  

It has been a little over three hours. It doesn't seem right, you know. You were the one person on this earth that truly understood me. We kinda had very similar inner wiring, the same nerves. I swear you could almost read my thoughts. We even joked about how I was your stunt double. Remember how we used to groove to The Beatles? remember the two VHS tapes we wore out the most? The Star Trek Viewers Choice Marathon and 6 hours of The Beetlejuice cartoon? Remember how you got me started on Futurama? Remember sitting in Mom and Dad's front yard listening to the NCC-1701D bridge sound effects on my kickass car sound system. Remember "There's a cat approaching. Captain" "On screen". Remember at Tallahassee Community College, Playing the Character of Emily in "Our Town" with me sitting proudly in the audience saying. "That's My Sister." Remember us watching "Revenge of the Sith" at the theater in 2005? Remember us going to watch Avenue Q? What about that Celtic Festival back in 2002? What about when you introduced me to Gordo's and Prime Time? Remember the crazy voice impressions we used to do on tape? Damn it. I wasn't ready to let you go. I love you so much. Who will I talk to about the things only you would understand? Who will I talk to about the cool stuff we both liked? What am I to do knowing you're not just a phone call away. I miss you terribly. A part of myself is gone. I love you so much sis.