Gone In A Hot Minute

Someone needs to knock down the outdoor thermostat a few notches. Bam!

Man, is it hot! How hot is it? It's so hot that even the snakes and the gators are taking the day off. The mosquitoes and the yellow flies? Ah, they're on overtime. Welcome to the deep south. Even the devil is like "Sorry, dudes can't stay. Gotta go home and cool off for a while!" It makes saying that it has been one hell of a week quite literal. 

Now, on to heavier things. 

Last Wednesday, I crossed paths with a coworker. Nothing unusual. We said the same things we usually say when passing one another in the plant. He was the same. I was the same. Then I hear that he died in his sleep that very night. I mean, we weren't necessarily buddies or anything like that, just coworkers. But he was an alright guy. He had a wife and a baby daughter, born just last year. He was so proud of that little girl, showing us pictures of her. And last Wednesday, he seemed to be in good health. And apparently dead that night. Most of us, including myself, We make plans. We have something to do and some other place to be. We mark our calendars. Tomorrow is always another day, until it isn't. I guess we'll always be correct to expect our tomorrows to he there until the day comes that we are wrong. I guess we are only wrong once. Life is a hell of a thing and one hell of a gift. I mean that in all possible ways. I have noticed something else. Not only does the world go on, it doesn't even skip a beat. Maybe I did not see this with Marsha and Momma because if the world didn't stop, I certainly did. I was totally frozen for a while. It was like having a trap door open under my feet, revealing the abyss, falling forever. With my coworker, he was a nice guy. I spoke with him most every day. I feel bad for him and especially for his little girl. His passing was tragic and very sad. My heart goes out to his family. But, since there is no comparison to how my world was shattered in 2022, I am able to observe things now that I was hurting too much to see back then. The world didn't slow down or skip a single beat. My employer put a black ribbon on the door but has made no announcement about this good man's tragic death. Not even one mention of his name. Would it have just been too much work to have printed out a notice and put it on the bulletin board? Doesn't he deserve a mention? A simple acknowledgment? I just don't think that's right that in the week since his untimely passing, not one mention of him has been made. Are we really all so damn disposable? Or worse yet, forgettable? Some things really slam the brakes on my brain. Thoughts of life and mortality, of always having plans for tomorrow, expecting it to be waiting for me there and for always. I guess I take it for granted like the next guy, even when I should know better. But tomorrow is never promised. And I think about a baby girl who'll have to grow up without her father. And for some reason, it just brings back so many thoughts that I have had in the past year and a half... It becomes a remix. There seems to be a recurring theme that I don't like at all. So much that could have been for so many people. And when I close my eyes, it is my sister's face I see. 

Sometimes, it takes more than time, and heavy thoughts are all about waiting out the weight. Low tide is only low for so long. Rain is not forever, and storms seem to be far better at moving on than I am. So, I try to take the same advice that I have consistently given to my kids. That the sunshine is waiting on the other side of even the darkest cloud, that the tide will always start rising again after the lowest ebb. That even a storm has its cooling wind to renew the soul. And sometimes it's best to build anew. But no matter how bright or chipper some future day might be, It can never be the same without her. And it seems that since hour zero of day one, my thoughts always circle back to my baby sister. She's a spoke on a wheel, a station on a circular track. If my heart were indeed a wheel, she would be the indelible mark. It always comes back to her, again and again and again. Now I know damn well I am not immortal. If this is a contest of who can live the longest, I have no interest in it. Outliving people is no fun, especially when it is the people I love. And even if it's just somebody I know, it brings my loved ones to the forefront of my mind. I cannot separate the unfairness of life and death from what I have already seen. I just can't do it. 

Solstice Thoughts II

Hello, Universe, Blog-ieo, Sister, all similar operating systems on some different computer. It's me again, the am that I am, the one and only. Actually, I hope I'm not the only one, even in this late hour, even now that you're gone, dearest kindred of the universe. I honestly want to believe you've been reinstalled on an even better computer, metaphorically and metaphysically speaking, with all the resources you could ever dream of. May this letter find you in a happy place. I hope that I, too, may find you there someday. So long as this old heart exists, I will never stop loving you. I have this memory from when I was a kid, watching TV in my parent's living room. I'm not sure if I was exactly 9 or 10, but Marsha was in that phase of learning to walk by pulling up on objects like tables and couches... And big brothers, apparently. There I was focused on my cartoons, not even noticing her behind me when she pinched the daylights out of my back. Yeouch! I think it was a very effective way to let me know she was there and there to stay. I think about that memory these days, seeing now that a pinch on the back is nothing compared to a pinch on the heart. If I were to say she's been on my mind today, it would be the same as saying I ate lunch or that I breathed air, or one of the thousand other things that I do every single day. That pinch was a shock to the system to let me know my baby sister was there. This hurt in my heart is the reminder she no longer is. Even after nearly a year and a half, it is ever present and never wanes. 

These past few nights have brought some otherworldly vivid dreams, almost like experiencing an alternate universe. In one of them, I was suddenly rich and moved into this mansion with many rooms with a cool looking deck with a swimming pool. There was a view of distant snow-capped mountains that seemed straight out of a painting. There was just one problem. Interlopers everywhere. I went to relax in the pool, only to find there was some old lady, quite inappropriately dressed, already in it. It totally ruined that perfect view. In another dream, my baby sister visited me. It's no surprise as she has a permanent apartment in my mind, and probably her own skyscraper in my heart. In other words, she lives close by. Similar to earlier dreams, we sat and talked, yet I can't remember a single thing we said. The only difference this time is that I remember holding onto her like a life preserver. No, not a lovers embrace, just trying to hold onto somebody I love, just not wanting her to disappear again. It was a strange dream. If it were really her, she would probably think I was finally losing my mind. Still, I woke up actually feeling better. This was unlike the others because I would forget she's gone until the reality of waking up would just break my heart again. It was like I knew this time, except it seemed she was saying in all those ways beyond words that she is still with me. I had another rich dream where I was apparently famous, going to photo shoots like some kind of model, and signing books like some kind of author. There were interlopers all through my fancy apartment, too, strangers everywhere. It was very high up, scarily so, like I could have touched the clouds. Apparently, my Dad was there, maybe 40 years younger and acting as my manager, dealing with the press, keeping the paparazzi at bay. Now, I have never aspired to be famous, and cameras can be terrifying. As for writing, my most extensive work is this blog, and I can't imagine these disorganized thoughts lining the shelves of bookstores. My father, the good and down to earth man that he is, I can't picture as the Hollywood manager type, rocking the fancy suit and shades like he was in my dream. That fancy projected false image such a manager would have would be totally unbecoming somebody as real as the man I know to be my father. So, Freudians, if these things were symbols, what would they represent? I hope that maybe my Dad's fathers day (this past Sunday) was better than last year. The bar is a bit low, though. Last year, after losing Marsha, then Momma, his wife of 52 years, he fell and broke his leg in three places. So he basically spent his fathers day in the hospital. Despite my own grief, still reeling over my own losses, my heart really went out to him, and I can't even imagine the misery he went through on that day. That he couldn't even be in the privacy and sanctuary of his own home to sort out all that absolutely had to have been weighing on his heart. The universe had dealt him way too much pain. He is a good man and deserves so much better. My sisters and I didn't exactly have the fanciest clothes growing up, but we always had something to wear. I never once remember a time when we went hungry. Our plates were always full, even if it we'd rather have McDonald's or Pizza or something fancy. With my parents, we kids never did without. It's like that song by the Rolling Stones. We didn't always get what we wanted, but we always had what we needed. Never, ever did we do without. In short, our parents were good parents in all the ways that counted. 

I think the word ONLY is the most misused word in the English language. And... Other than that sleazy used car salesman saying that sorry piece of junk on wheels he's selling is ONLY a lot of money, the worst use of the word ONLY is "Only in your mind". Why? Because when it's in your mind, it's everywhere and all the time. If it's in your head, it's a big deal, my friends. It can have just as much impact on you, your life, your health as anything out in the world. Nothing is only in your mind. If it's there, you've got to face it. Some of the biggest challenges of my life were and still are from within. I have been debating within myself whether to continue on with at least the published aspect of this blog. I bear so much more of my soul here than I do anywhere else, and what I don't exactly say is probably quite obvious between the lines. These are things I feel the need to say at least somewhere. However, sometimes I wonder if things might be assumed to the extreme, far beyond what they really are. Maybe I am making mountains out of mole hills. Could it be what seems like such a big deal in my own mind means little in actual reality? It's not like I'm some famous or well-known person. I'm not running for president. I am not an actor, even if I feel trapped in a role. At the end of the day, I'm only me. Maybe it is a big deal only when viewed through my own eyes. After all, it is the only world I know. I can be a bit self-conscious. I tend to be far less open elsewhere. Still, I feel the need to express myself in at least some little way. After all, this blog was started when I lost the one person I trusted enough to talk to. These are my letters to her and the universe, one and the same in this old and weary heart. But I know that not many people, at least in my real life anymore, would understand a lot of my thoughts, feelings, opinions, yadda yadda Yoda. Words are sometimes better said to an empty room than to a roomful of those who could never or would never understand. Silence cuts both ways, but this is a situation where it can very well be comforting. 

We live in troubling times when it is not so safe to speak your mind unless you are in either the extreme left or extreme right camps. And my beliefs are all over the place, some left, some right, some out in the freaking Twilight Zone, I guess. In this whole us vs. them mentality, I really have no home aside from the no man's land between the crossfire of the opposing sides. Lines, divisions, extremes: It really is a messed up complicated world, my friends. And it's funny how I seem to understand both ends of the equation. After all, one is where I came from, and the other is one I can see from this unique middle ground where I happen to be today. By one definition, I am one of them. But, not really. If you really want to know my little opinion, I guess it all comes down to the boundaries of personal freedom. To me, the line that gets crossed is when one group of people try to force their worldview upon those who don't share it. The subject matter makes no difference to me. Both sides are guilty of this. Indoctrination is wrong, be it religious, political, sexual, whatever. Still, it goes on all the time. I simply see it as people trying to dominate others, no matter the particular politics. See, my beliefs would probably piss off people on both sides of the aisle. I'd have a mob of 435 congressional folks chasing me down Pennsylvania Avenue, and 100 senators with leering grimaces waiting at the other end, along with the two biggest idiots, one orange and the other one sleepy, united in their dislike of any independent ideas. Because their all or nothing platform is not good enough for me, nor should it be good enough for anyone else. I heard it said that minds and parachutes work best when open. Yes, some things are beyond dispute. Science, Mathematics, language, these are things that are the same from all angles, or at least I think they should be. Even basic ethics are universal, though the rights and wrongs may skew along the lens of left and right. And history? History can be viewed in a million different ways. Some of the heroes in my history books became the villains in my children's history books. Just as Yoda said that the future is always in motion, so is the past, apparently. Now, there were some absolute rights and terrible wrongs, no doubt. But was absolutely everything so clearly right or wrong? How many times in war did both sides believe they were right? Could it be there were sometimes good and evil in both? And what of the sides of history? Could it be that there was a side where everyone had good or evil intentions? Or were there maybe bad apples in most every bucket, with only a few examples of the entire bucket being rotten through and through? See, I believe that we should all be free to live our lives, to be who we want to be, to believe in what is right or wrong, in the correct path to happiness, free to love and to be. I believe we have many rights as human beings, except for the right to force said beliefs on others. See, the way I see it is some things are the job of the parents to teach until the day comes when one can make up their own mind. We serve as our children's first teacher and guide to the world we helped bring them into. Many things are a parent's choice. I wanted my kids to make up their own minds about a lot of things. I did my best to lead by example, mostly good but a few bad examples too. Not a one of them got hooked on tobacco like I did, for they all saw how it impacted my health. I'm glad I finally quit and they are too. I always told them not to try and be like me, but to become their own person. I did my best to be honest with them about my own imperfections. I have my rules for life, but they're mine and mine alone. As for those rules, my motto is to do what you will, but do it right, and do no harm. Be yourself, but don't force it upon others. Instead, try to find those who will celebrate the true human being that you are. 

I guess I could talk about a lot of things, and there is probably more than one way to interpret these things I say. The downside is (if I were famous) any of this could be subject to spin, as in modern-day propaganda. Luckily, it's only little ol' me. Spin is a terrible thing, to cherry pick something to fit a certain political agenda. A person who does not think for themselves will easily be deceived by that sort of thing. Remember the story of the pied piper? Yeah, just like that. When they blindly follow, they can't really blame anyone else for walking off the edge of the universe. To blindly follow is a choice. It is a good thing to remember, especially when dealing with politics is that context is everything. Do you need an example? Remember the Twilight Zone episode, "To Serve Man"? Ever wonder how those aliens passed the polygraph test? It was because they prefaced everything they said with, "We want the people of Earth to believe..." So, they were telling the truth. That was exactly what they wanted the people of Earth to believe. They never once said it was true. Something tells me those particular aliens went to alien law school with a minor in political science. It is also really something when you realize that not only governments and large corporations engage in propaganda. I happen to know a few individuals who must have studied the work of several "ministers of information" because they're just as good at projecting a false image as any minister ever was. They paint a picture of the next great thing. I see it as the potential train wreck it really is. You know, I wouldn't mind actually being wrong about this. Sometimes, being right is no fun at all. See, it is important to look at past trends. And while said trends are not predictions of the future, one shouldn't ignore several examples of things having gone south at supersonic speeds. It's like Wile E Coyote using rocket powered roller-skates for the 5th time, mortgaging the desert, borrowing from the roadrunner, and expecting things to somehow go differently this time. Meep! Meep! Taking a leap of faith is one thing. Not even bothering to look before that leap is quite another. Not keeping things strictly businesslike ain't good either. And do you want to know the fastest way to sink a relationship? Involve money into it. Money matters to relationships are just as icebergs are to Titanic ships. Don't let go, Jack. Don't let go. And if I may quote Forest Gump, that's all I've got to say about that.

There is a time and a place for everything. I think that's what we seem to have forgotten. Both the left and the right have a serious problem of indoctrination. Pressuring people on extreme religion ain't going to work for the right. Those who feel that way and are of that worldview will no doubt seek you out. Those who are not, never will. Instead of bringing them around, you will just repel them further. The more you try to force those beliefs upon those of us who do not want them, the more divided we will all become. On the other end of the spectrum, looking like a combination of Gorgeous George and Bozo the Clown ain't going to work for the left. Most women are not clowns and know the proper way to apply makeup. You know, highlight and conceal? Yeah, that's what that stuff's for. If you're gonna wear it, wear it right. Show some respect for the gender by having some class. Don't be a parody. Don't be a joke. Do or do not. There is no parody. Don't dream it, be it. But be or be not, Sideshow Bob. See what I mean about making both sides mad? With politics, I guess I am truly homeless. I don't like the guy we have in charge. Neither am I among the crowd worshiping the false god of orange. Both are proof that the scarecrow was right: People without brains do an awful lot of talking. It has been a long time since anyone with real sense has been among the "choices." Voting these days seems to be a waste of time. At least for those of us who aren't mesmerized by one camp or the other. It's all a bunch of talking points, aka bullshit. And none of it comes close to my own beliefs anymore. And it seems there used to be this mutual respect among people who believed differently from one another. The world of the 2020s sometimes seems like an alien planet. Don't get me wrong, I often feel like an alien myself. Just not the one going around giving people tummy aches. I'm just beaming down now and again to make prank calls. I have come to the realization that this wayward fallen angel will never fit into any crowd. So, I guess I'll be roaming the Earth for a while. A wayward spirit without a party. The only party I will join is one with drinkies and lots of junk food. Ah, The Never ending Party. Our symbol is a drunk leprechaun, and I am member 000001. Feel free to join. Our platform? Oh, that's where we keep all the food and booze. Kegs are in the back. There's a bathroom on the right. Single occupancy and a lockable door. See? Problem solved! I don't like sharing a bathroom with anyone. I am just as uncomfortable with either gender walking in on me. I don't like to take care of business in a crowded office. Some things should remain private and personal. A true ruler of the kingdom sits on the throne alone. Long live the King. Long live the Queen. May both reign in peace, without any creepy peeps peeping. See, when you take something from the realm of the personal and make it public, of course, there's going to be problems on both sides of the issue. Every human being has a right to privacy. To me, that should be the focus and the point. 

On a lighter note, I saw Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons today. No, really! The dude looked exactly like what an AI would generate if you asked it to draw a real life Mr. Spacely. Except this was a real dude walking around. I didn't know my employer had a contract with Spacely Sprockets. Sadly, my car still doesn't fly. Even though we're well into the 2020s, no flying cars. Well let's just say no cars in which going airborne constitutes a good thing. At best you're Bo and Luke Duke. At worst, you're that chick on the interstate a few weeks ago. Leaving the ground in a land vehicle rarely bodes well. Now, I have the Jetsons Theme song stuck in my head. Oh, boy. In other silly news, I had someone try to scam me on messenger yesterday, using my co-worker's name. Claimed to be a relative of his. He said my coworker was out of town while the dude was standing right next to me. Said coworker told the guy off, gave him an earful. Now, I am most always too broke to even pay attention. Trying to get money out of me is like going to the Sahara for water or to Burger King for a Big Mac. It just ain't happening. In other words, find somebody richer. There are probably actual bums who have more cash on hand than I do. As the meme goes, I work and sleep my life away, yet I am always tired and broke. Go figure go fish. 

A couple Weeks Ago...

I'm not sure if it's allergies or something else. All I know is it sucks to be sick in June. Plus, the lack of sleep from this mess keeping me up most of the night ain't helping with me being exactly a ray of sunshine. Ah, the human body is probably the best proof that the grand design is bull. Leave it to a loving creator to craft a soul, then put it into a torture device known as the human body misery machine. Yeah. Being a biological organism sucks. I'm 50 miles from the ocean, and I still feel underwater, drowning on dry land. Oh, thank you so much for this grand design. I am oh so eternally grateful. Life is lousy enough without adding this particular bullshit to the mix. Do you know? Geesh! Is it not enough? All of these other things about life? Was I not miserable enough already? Nope. I've got to deal with everything else, along with not being able to breathe and feeling like the right side of my skull is about to explode. Lovely, lovely grand design. Wonderful. Just perfect. I suppose viruses whose only purpose is to bring about suffering were all part of this supposed grand design, too. If we are going to buy all that, we might as well conclude that we must have already had our chance and failed, therefore this is Hades, The bad place, Gehenna, Dante's freakin inferno, or Hell as it's better known. To be alive and in this body is to sample the many flavors of pain, both physical and emotional. This was definitely not part of any plan unless the planner happens to be one hell of a sadistic bastard. It seems that pain is the most accurate indicator that one is still alive. Hurting? Well, it means we're not dead. Even if we feel like zombies. Wanting sleep, needing sleep, plenty of time to sleep, but kept awake by drowning on dry land. The next morning is even worse. No rest through no fault of your own, yet you're expected to go go go. Yet another reason life just sucks sometimes. I know, I'm whining and complaining. Still, moments like these are what whining was invented for. I feel lousy, and it sucks. I sure as hell ain't going to break out into sappy song over it. Bitching and moaning were invented for a reason and days like this are the time and the reason. It's damn near summer and it seems I have the freaking creeping choking crud. It sucks. And I have nobody to whine to except Doctor Blog-ieo and maybe some random reader? Non robotic readers will understand, because I'm sure we've all felt this way. Sometimes it just sucks to be human. Now, you robots out there are freaking lucky. No creeping jebus plague for you guys. Being a living creature just sucks. They need to hurry up and invent mind transfer. Put me in a robot, back me up on M-Disk, anywhere but in this body. I know the exact model robot I have in mind and it would be glorious. Not only would it bring an end to all the problems of being a biological organism, It would solve a few other problems rather nicely, too. Talk about living the dream. If they could see me now. It is not even about immortality, or even living out a few of my dreams, But more about leaving behind all the physical misery that being in this body brings. Like I said, it sucks to be human. Especially on days like these. It's like the human body was designed specifically to punish the soul incarcerated in it. It is a maximum security prison for one. I long for a way to escape it and still be alive. Heck, I'd be happy with just having a spare to transfer to in times like these when the main one feels crummy. Or better yet, one to rest while the other works. Imagine having 24-7 to get things done, yet still with plenty of sleep. That would be awesome. That or I need Hibernol like in that SNL commercial with Chris Farley. I'd go home and take a big dose, sleep until September. I'm not sure if Hibernol not being real is a good thing or a bad thing. I have a feeling if it were readily available, it would be 2040 before I know it. Since I am not into sports, nobody's got to tape the next 16 super bowls for me. I guess I am enough of a relic in 2023. 

A day later.....

I literally passed out when I got home yesterday. No settling down, no unwinding, straight in the door, right in the bed and out like a light... Next thing I knew it was the wee hours. I got up and piddled on the computer a bit, then right back to unconsciousness. The alarm had been beeping for about 10 minutes before it woke me up. I guess I got to work on pure autopilot. That's what I get with the first real sleep I've had in 3 days. Between the nighttime meds and my A/C finally working and blowing cold air, it was like somebody pressed my off button. I am still off in the zombie zone. Brains and whatnot. Nothing like a power nap. It has certainly taken a while for me to return to the land of the living. Maybe one more night of being completely out of this world for 10 or so hours will return me to normal. Well, as normal as I ever get. 

Keeping It Lite

 Okay, okay, okay!

Let's take a break from the heavy stuff. I have covered that all too well in these last few entries.. So, this time, I am going to talk about hobbies and yadda yadda Yoda. I'm going to try and keep this one on the lighthearted side. If you want the heavy stuff, there's plenty elsewhere in here. So. What are some things I like to do? First of all, I am an ancient computer nerd. I like piddling with old computers, software, and games. Since I am not exactly rich, I use emulation for most of it, both VirtualBox and DOSBOX. I use Linux Mint 21 as my main OS and other instances in virtual computers to keep some aspects of my browsing separate, such as Bill paying and anything where my bank is involved. Then, I have a Windows 7 virtual computer that I use for my favorite software. It is offline, of course. It would probably be crazy to connect it anyway. There's no point either. I browse in Linux and closely vett anything that goes on that VM. I have a Windows XP virtual computer for the sole purpose of using an ancient flatbed scanner that will not work on 7 or later. I even have a few VMs that were made from real computers, such as an old HP Pavilion Windows 98 machine. However, I rarely boot those up as it is mostly a nostalgia thing. Sometimes, it is fun to step through time. I absolutely love DOSBOX for my old games and menus. I can set it up under Linux just as easily as Windows and I don't have to really change a thing. I modeled my games menu after a computer I had in the early 1990s, my Laser 486. Some of the programs and games were actually from that computer. I also have an image of the original hard drive that miraculously survived nearly 30 years in a rusted chassis stored in a closet. It wasn't even the latest version of MS-DOS. It was actually v6.20 instead. The whole thing is now stored on an M-Disk for the ages. Speaking of that, storing and backing up my decades worth of stuff is another interest of mine. I have amassed roughly 7 terabytes of movies, music, games, software, text, Doom mods, you name it. There is also a lot of personal stuff like family pictures, old home movies, Marsha's stuff, things I don't want to see lost. So I have two formats I use. First are the M-Blu-rays, 566 of them so far, started in 2015. Second are 4 8Tb hard drives, divided between a safety deposit box at my bank, an old army footlocker, and over at my father's house. I hopefully have it set up in a way that even if I lost everything else through some kind of disaster, I would at least still have all of my digital stuff, especially my memories of loved ones. I hope my children will someday take an interest in preserving it after I am gone. I plan to do the same thing with all my father's files too. But I hope it is a very long time from now. I'd like to keep what family and friends I have left. Still, it does my heart good to imagine this Martian Data center, or this space station orbiting some extra-solar planet, with my mother's picture, my sister's beautiful countenance, my grandmother and grandfather, my Dad's MS-DOS batch files, stored somewhere in its data banks, or maybe all those 1s and 0s beaming through the vastness of the universe, ancient historical documents in the Galactic Imperial Library, granting immortality to the ones so dear to my heart. It's a daydream, a fantasy I'll never know may ever come true. But it sure makes for a pretty picture in my mind. So, that fairly much describes my first interest. What else? Well, computer games for one. 1990s first person shooters, 2000s and 2010's visual novels. In the first, I get to fight monsters. In the second, I get to date anime girls. Just don't get the two confused, right? Although there exists such things as Monster Girl 3D. A-wha?  I also happen to like some of those simulation games like Daigaku Gurashi, for which I even created my own custom characters. There was also Heartache 101, which I used to describe as electronic crack. It was an extremely addictive game! It was a combination board game and visual novel built in RPGmaker. People also made custom characters and stories. Basically the hours would fly by if I wasn't careful. It was an awesome game. 

I am a definite Futurama fan, and it's all because of my sister. She had sent me some recordings of the show on VHS tape many years ago, though the show had been out a good while. The first episode I saw was not Space Pilot 3000, but "The Cryonic Woman" in which Bender kept scaring that poor old dude in the freezer. That was the episode that got me hooked. I still laugh my ass off at that scene, "I'm a horrible robot!!!!". I also think of Marsha every time I watch Futurama. Episodes like "The Sting" and "Luck O The Fryish" kick even harder in the heart. Geesh... Didn't I promise to talk about lighter things? Beetlejuice, both the movie and the cartoon was something else we had in common. I had recorded a bunch of episodes on VHS tape and she'd come over and watch it with me. "Generally Hysterical Hospital" was one of our favorites. We'd also watch a lot of Star Trek, and the only Freddy movie I had at the time, part 4. I liked the Nightmare movies. I also really enjoy some of those weird movies like "Stay Tuned" and "Mom And Dad Save The World." I liked most of the Adam Sandler movies, and Chris Farley's "Beverly Hills Ninja" is freaking hilarious. Then there was Back To The Future, Bill And Ted, and of course the original Star Wars and Prequels. I went to watch Episode III at the theater in Tallahassee back in 2005, with Marsha. It's yet another memory. Another movie I absolutely love is Galaxy Quest. By Grabthar's Hammer, what a movie! Most of the stuff I love seems to be from the 20th century. Not only the 80s and 90s, like Gremlins, the Mad Max movies, and Ghostbusters, but also far older like Lon Cheney Jr's "Son Of Dracula" from 1943 or Rita Hayworth's Gilda from 1946. And hey, I have loved "The Wizard Of Oz" since I was a little kid. There is probably a lot of stuff I am missing. I love science fiction of all kinds. TV shows like Twilight Zone, Amazing Stories, And The Outer Limits.  Most forms of 20th century Trek except for Deep Space Nine, aside from really good episodes like "The Visitor" or anything Worf centric. The first two seasons of Miami Vice were awesome but the rest were so-so. The A-Team was kickass, and any episode of "Three's Company" that had the Ropers. Norman Fell was hilarious. My favorite Batman episodes were Two Face and Almost Got Em. I guess it is something about the evolution of Harvey's character. Then there is my favorite episode of The Justice League, Hereafter, where Superman is teleported to the far future where he meets a different Vandal Savage, humbled and changed by 30,000  years. Then there is "A Better World" where we find an alternate dimension of 'evil' versions of the Justice League. They themselves still believe they are doing good by ruling the Earth and stamping out crime. It illustrates that fine line between liberty and security that Ben Franklin spoke of. I like stuff that makes me think. As for music, I like a lot of genres, from the extremely early 21st century all the way back to the 1940s. My biggest love is old rock and roll, from 50s doo wop, 60s British Invasion, California Scene, and psychedelia, 80s New Wave, Hiphop and Hair Metal, to 1990s alternative and grunge. Old country is good too, and even a smattering of Big Band. Have you ever heard Marion Morgan's voice? It's so angelic. It would be easier to just list the music I don't like, such as most autotune crap, and modern country with all that rockabilly prissing and prancing. It annoys the piss outta me. Let me sum it up in a Guns N Roses lyric: "You ain't special, so who ya foolin'?"  Meanwhile, I have been stopping by my local Goodwill about once a week to find old records and CD's. I have surfaced quite a few gems. I think my CD collection may soon well surpass what I had in the 1990's, and I had a lot back then. Only this time they're only a couple dollars a piece, so that makes them much more affordable than back then. I am not a fan of streaming. First if all the internet speed where I live has never been the best, and I prefer owning records or CDs. Since most of what I like is decades old, they're fairly easy to find. Now where was I? Ah, Goodwill, right? I also look for old electronics and cool T shirts. It's like a little treasure hunt. I even find a cool movie once in a while. It's one of the highlights of my week that helps chase away those heavy thoughts. 

Now, let me talk about games. Before the original Doom swept me off my feet, I played games like King's Quest with all those riddles and puzzles of how to get past the monster. Then along came Doom where eliminating the monster was straight forward and a lot more satisfying. My interest soon spread to other FPS games like Duke Nukem 3D, Blood, and Shadow Warrior. I didn't discover Wolfenstein 3D until after I discovered Doom, even though it was older. Still I spent many hours roaming those halls, too. The old DOS version of Lemmings was another favorite of mine. I used to think they shouted another two word phrase instead of "Let's Go!" at the beginning of each level, to which I'd reply,"You too, buddy!". I never evolved to all of those Call Of Duty type games that came later. They just never were my cup of tea. I prefer fighting pixelated monsters and aliens instead. For the longest time, FPS games were mostly all I played. Then along came Katawa Shoujo that introduced me to visual novels, along with totally blowing my mind. That is a long story of its own. Let's just say that it changed me. My favorite visual novels are Katawa Shoujo, Princess Evangile, Kana Immouto, also School Days and Fruit Of Grisaia... Though I never cared for certain obligatory scenes present in most VNs, and the protagonists in the latter two were especially different than I would have been. Now, if you want to see something really messed up, try Nekomarudow's Yandere or the Song Of Saya. On second thought, you might want to stear clear of those two. In the first, be sure to pick the obvious lunatic. Shy and quiet does not mean safe. In the second, just take my advice and don't. The main menu song,  "Sabbath," is about the only soothing thing you will find in that game. The rest will scar you for life. No joke. There were also a couple of flash games I really liked, such as Nanaca Crash and Werewolf Tycoon, Haroooooooooo!  Okay, so I have covered movies, music, and games. Okay, how about books and audiobooks? I have an extensive collection of Star Wars and Star Trek audiobooks. Despite its age, H.G. Wells, The Time Machine is really enjoyable. Issac Asimov's books, especially his robot and foundation series. The Robots of Dawn being my favorite of the first and Prelude To Foundation being my favorite of the second. As for print books, nothing beats Stephen King's The Stand. I especially like Larry's story. That miniseries didn't do him justice. In addition to books, I read (or have my robot read for me) a lot of fan fiction. There are quite a few Star Wars stories where Episode III played out differently, like Anakin not turning, but Obi-Wan or Ahsoka did. There was also one where Vader figured out Leia was his daughter and saved both her and Alderaan from the Death Star. My favorite is where Anakin got sent 20 years into the future. People write some cool stuff, you know.  Another cool time travel fan fiction involved a redeemed Count Dooku. Sadly, the writer never finished that one. I can lose myself in a good story. It's perfect for chasing those heavy thoughts away.

So what else am I into? I tried gardening for a couple of years and was doing awesomely until the damned deer destroyed my perfect little rows. Man, I was upset. For that reason, I do not mind the hunters, even if I don't hunt, myself. If you ever see me out there hunting, you can bet the apocalypse happened. Otherwise I do my best hunting at the gwocery store, wabbits. hahahahaha. I used to be into radios and antennas long ago, but the good stations have all gone away, and I am just not sociable enough to use my amateur license very much anymore. Really, that part of it was more about being a part of my father's hobby than for me, as he was very much more into answering the net and exchanging QSL cards. It seems the internet has supplanted so many things. Surfing the web and archiving my favorite web pages is something I still enjoy, but the cool stuff out there these days is getting pretty few and far between, such as 1990's Doom websites, or fan pages for my favorite celebrities, games, and Yadda yadda Yoda. My advice is that If you see something you like out there in cyberspace, save it immediately. The internet, even simple fan pages, has always been here today, gone tomorrow kinda thing. You may be lucky and find it on the internet archive, but even then, there will still be missing images and dead links. See it, like it, even bookmark it.... But save it too. Years ago I used a browser addon by Gomita, known as Scrapbook. I could save pages one or two links deep, so long as I limited them to a narrow category. Later I started using Singlefile that just does one page at a time, which works for most things. Then I also screengrab the same page as a PNG. Between those two methods, I can preserve most anything. See it, like it, save it. That's what I do. I once read that the average lifespan for a web page on the internet is about 100 days. Not cool, my friend. Not cool at all. Suffice to say my html collection so far is upwards of 200 gigabytes. See it, like it, save it. 

I have also created a few amateurish HTML pages locally based on my limited knowledge of the language. They will never see the internet proper. I did make a tribute page for my baby sister that I may have hosted somewhere, someday. It may look like it's from the 1990s, but I would also that it expresses my undying love for her, even if its messy background of Hubble galaxies interposed with here writings, articles, and pictures doesn't look exactly professional. Right now it exists as part of my homepage, locally stored on my computer, and as a compressed backup in my files. It is part of that digital pyramid that I hope worthy of far more than an Egyptian Queen. For it is my wish for her to be long remembered as if she were Cleopatra herself. Here I go again. Didn't I say I was going to keep this entry on the lighthearted side? 

So, Computers, Movies, Games, Music, Programming, internet, Radio, and Gardening, huh? What else? I am fairly proficient at Audacity. Although the way I use it, it might as well be called Yarrrrrdacity arrrrr! If ya land lubbers know what I mean. Another program I am good at is one my boss from a decade back taught me how to use: Ultraedit. I learned it for work, but quickly realized how great it is for programming, be it BASIC, Batch Files, or HTML. Ultraedit is awesome So was my boss. Wherever you are in the universe, my friend, thank you for that knowledge. Even 10 years later, I use it most everyday. So there you have it, a blog entry where I stay away from most of those heavy thoughts, Also a rundown of all the various things I like. I really should get back into those, or even better, find something new. I guess I'll still love the old things as I always have. Marsha and I had this in common, too. We did not jump from fashion or fad to fashion or fad. With us, once a fan, always a fan. Still, I sometimes think I'd be better off breaking away from the computer box, maybe, just maybe get out into the world a bit. There is so much more out there. At the same time, I realize all too well that I am no longer young. Watching your baby graduate high school will do that to you. I really don't know what to do. I sure ain't skydiving. Who in their right mind jumps out of a perfectly good airplane? I'm not bungee jumping either. I prefer my drawers to be clean, thank-ya-very-much. I already said you won't see me hunting unless in an apocalyptic cataclysm where I also have to either fight or join Lord Humongous and his gang. That would be gravely disappointing. I have never liked sports, just not my thing. I am an old fashioned nerd after all.  I do like to write, as you may have guessed, but I might even consider taking a step back from that. It may be good to vent, but returning to that world, time and time again, probably ain't the most healthy thing in the world. I really need a new perspective, maybe something I have never seen before, even in all this time.  I have been through some times, kept my promise, and have seen so many changes. I wonder if now is the time to start fresh, new life, clean slate? Could this be the moment? Could it really be now. It's that familiar question about where to go from here. Could possibilities remain? Could this be more of a beginning than an ending? Who knows. Stay Tuned, my friends.