Pre October Ruminations

 I had yet another one of my maze dreams. In this one, I was alone. It was this dimly lit building, dark and gloomy. Not only was it the usual maze, but it also had many stairs and many levels, upper and lower. There was something sinister about how everything was arranged, as if it was a purposeful effort to keep me lost. There was this intense feeling of hopelessness and despair I just could neither place nor explain. I was constantly finding myself at various dead ends and farther and farther from the place I was trying to get to. It was this strange feeling of running in waist deep muck, swimming against a fast current, or sinking in quicksand while being ironically totally free to move. Freudians, feel free to figure this one out.  Quick question, is there ever such a dividing line of a single day? Is there this sudden moment where every thing mattered before, yet nothing will ever again matter forevermore? I wonder... And if all chances are over with, Is there still a point in keeping on? Then again, can we really sum up out hopes and dreams with a single image? And is there such a thing as being just too damned old to be happy?

You've got to have something to work toward, something to look forward to. You've got to have that horizon, that beautiful place you can at least tell yourself in those moments of gloom, "Hey, I'm closer now today than I was yesterday." See, If you find yourself giving everything you've got merely to hold the status quo together, then there is the question. Especially when even this does not stave off inevitable relentless entropy. As the poet Yeats said, Things fall apart. Now, even if this universe is infinite, Time, energy, money, and strength (Both mind and body) can never be. The worst part of giving your all is what remains after. One does not willingly stop. When your tank is empty, you sputter and roll to a stop. The drivers behind you can honk and yell and be ugly that you're not moving.. But they're not gonna come out with their gas cans and fill that tank so you can move again. To them, your gas gauge does not exist. If you don't have some unimaginable galaxy sized circle of friends, well, you're on your own.

  I know there are far worse places for a human being to be, both physically and mentally. I know there is more than one way to ruin ones own life. I was reminded the other day. There are a lot of situations far easier to fall into than to climb out of. I know. I should be grateful that I seem to remain functional when there are others who don't even have that. Still it's a lonely feeling. Ever feel as if you were made for a different world? There's got to be others like me, I know. If you're out there, try to stay strong if you can.. That pendulum swing between sadness that nobody understands and fear that someday they will. Crazy, I know. I am still trying to figure a lot of things out. And nothing is ever as simple as it seems from the outside. Shouldn't I be proud of myself for staying afloat on this sea of insanity? Things keep happening and I find myself wondering just where and when my breaking point will be. Yet, here I am. I am far from kidding or exaggerating. This just so happens to be my life. This is what I must face. I cannot judge from any other point of view. And I am not comparing this to what others may face, nor how good or how bad they may have it. I would never have the first hand knowledge or the right. All I know is that people having it worse does not make my situation better. People having it better than me does not make my life worse. Though it sometimes gives me the blues to know that things must have been possible somewhere, somehow.

 My life basically went to shit on the last day of 2008. 2009 was pretty much hell. But I spent the next several years rising above and moving beyond. And I did alright. I really did. The next almost decade wasn't so bad, you know? The one after? so far not so much. It was 2018 with its hurricanes, and hospitals, courtroom drama, broken bones, beloved family in dire health. It was 2019 with deep depression, dangerous thoughts, work stress, and realizations. It was 2020 with its pandemics, and all the insanity surrounding it. It was 2021 with Momma falling ill, and losing her bit by bit, and dealing with my oldest freaking out and making life hell. Then there is 2022, this year of shit. Losing a best friend who just so happened to also be my baby sister. Things progressing for the worse for my mother and losing what was left on this earth of her. And it's me dealing with this internal disquiet, so strongly manifested in 2019, Where mirrors are liars and wishing just once to see truth in that reflection. There is watching things fall apart both literally and figuratively and not being able to do a goddamn thing. Powerlessness and futility are the worst feelings in the world. And it makes me angry at myself for not being able, capable, or whatever. It is everything I can do just to hold a job and pay the bills. There is that ever present self doubt, and just not wanting to let go. There is also the weird feeling of knowing I'm right, despite how crazy it sounds. Ever just know something? I know.  

 Relationships are something else, you know? I'll never understand how some people so easily jump out of one and into another. I couldn't do that. I can't even understand. When I truly love someone, it would take a major tragedy and someone being on such a level of being a shitty excuse of a human being that it would defy belief in order to make me fall out of love. A special congratulations to my ex for this rare achievement. It's been almost 14 years now.  Now single time has never been party time as far as I'm concerned. First off, I had to make a living and three children to finish raising by myself. And secondly, I just can't casually be involved with someone. If things get to a certain point, I'm going to develop strong feelings for them, whether I meant to or not. And that never turned out well for me. Let's just say I still have feelings for the one after and I doubt I'll ever see her again and she'll probably never even know. It's for the best, but it kinda brings me down sometimes. My brain is not wired like the average guy's. Judging by how I feel and react to a lot of things, I'd say it's wired closer to the average gal's. And let's just allow this statement to fall into place with all those other little puzzle pieces, friends, Romans, and random strangers. But, back to the point and the bottom line is this: I have no interest in getting hurt, nor short term shenanigans. And that's probably not a plus for the way this system seems to work. Then there is the fact that I'd be expected to think or act a certain way. Never underestimate the power of a checkbox. And of course that makes the improbable damn near impossible. Some situations we never understand until we find ourselves living them. We have to face the reality that surrounds us and live in the universe we were born in. But we sure don't have to like it, do we? Perception is not everything, but sadly it can be all that matters. How old were you when you realized how things look can be more important than how things really are? Then there are check-boxes, categories, yadda yadda If you're this then you must like this. Nope...Realizing who you are does not always change your interests. But it sure makes things complicated as hell. Check-boxes wouldn't be so bad without the assumptions they bring with them. Targeted ads based on them really piss me off. Speaking of targeted bullshit, I've been getting these weird friend requests on a certain social media site. Basically, the profile picture and all the rest have a single difference between them. What difference? Clothing! It is as if they think they're the only source of pictures like that, Or that it is something I've never seen before. I mean, this is the internet, after all. Ever hear of Reddit? Once again they think just because of a damned check-box, that I am that damned simple. But, nope. And If I were, There are plenty of better places to be looking for that sort of thing than a useless social media site. I am not some old blue pill eating baldy wanting to date a fake account with a picture of a girl way too young for me. Nope, nope, nope, and I wish they would knock that nonsense off. I am just a middle-aged human being (With lovely hair I might say) who is just too damn old for this sort of nonsense.

 I am not out to bother anybody and I sure as hell don't want to go where I'm not wanted. All I want to do is be myself and to live in peace, if necessary, alone. Time is running out. Who even knows how much longer I've got? As the oldest sibling alive against logic, I sometimes feel I'm on borrowed time. Everything has been chaos, both outwardly and within. And knowing for certain does not make it easy. This has been one long and crazy road. I believe in some ways it would be far easier to play the role I've been given and live in denial... Except for the whole dying inside part of it. That's what brought me so close to some dark thoughts a few years ago. This paradox of how easier can be far more difficult. And the only choice I have is whether to accept or deny the truth. Such is this long battle. Everything is chaos, within and without, and I am beginning to wonder if this fog will ever clear. If there is anyone following me on this long journey, I wish to express my deepest gratitude. Also you just might happen to know more about me than anyone from real life could ever imagine. Let it be our little secret, huh? 

Signpost At The Crossroads

Spent last night in another maze dream. I was walking around these different places trying to find Marsha. Never did find her, of course. Wandering, walking, asking the various people I ran into if they had seen my baby sister. I suppose there is no complicated explanation as to why I have dreams like that. Of course she's on my mind. I've thought of her every day for these long months, but September makes it even more unavoidable, you know. It is only logical such thoughts would make their way into my dreams. Her birthday is in a few days. She would have been 41. Tomorrow will be the eighth month since she's been gone, that melancholy anniversary of that terrible day I lost her. Of course, my own birthday passed a few days ago with it being the first lacking our usual hour or so talk on the phone... It was not exactly a happy birthday. No doubt I would have heard from my mother as well, but again 2022 took her too. I had a tradition of crank calling Marsha on her birthdays. Arnold, Mr T, Doctor Freud, you never knew who'd be calling. Of course she always knew it was me. I already miss her terribly, but this month is even worse. I fear this will never get better. I really just don't see how. There is no bringing her back. I can see her, And I can hear her voice thanks to pictures, her plays, yadda yadda... But seems that only reminds me that she is no longer here. I can't talk to her.. Can't call her when I need somebody to talk to. Can never again wish my little sister a happy birthday. Damn I miss her. I have some things going on right now I could really use her advice on. Like I said once, we had a few demons in common that we had to fight.  She was the only one who could have ever understood. If all this were a movie, there would be that darkest night before dawn. There would be this long moment of hopelessness and gloom just before the hero (Be it a person or be it simply circumstance) arrives to dry the tears and take away the pain. That glorious moment where everything is proven to have been worthwhile. Just hold on is all the main character has to do. But what is it like when one realizes this is no movie at all? Well then you have the feeling that such gloom and hopelessness might never end at all. And if it really does seem that way, what are the main character's options? Wait, run away, or maybe something else I won't spell out here? Sometimes I understand Doctor Soran just a bit, who spent 80 years looking for another way to the Nexxus and assures us there is none. Now that's a place I know I'd never leave. All my loved ones, and a chance to reform my every decision and for the first time be my true self? You're damned right I'd never leave! But this sure ain't the Nexxus, and I've been thinking of leaving one way or another for quite some time. Just not sure which. Thing is I'm tired. Long term tired. I need something to work towards or look forward to, and I need it now. So long as I feel I have no real future, I see no point in fighting for anything. Yes I know how dramatic this may sound, but these are my honest feelings. I really can't change how it sounds. All I could really do is just remain silent. I kinda still am, you know. See I doubt these words will be seen by anybody who actually face to face knows me. This at least allows me the freedom to speak my mind so long as I avoid certain key words. Paradoxically, it actually helps me to express these thoughts. I fear folks overreacting to what I might say. I am sure I'm not the only human being to have these thoughts, and even move beyond them as I have done so many times in the past. Maybe now will be no different. The way I got out of it last time was to acknowledge certain truths about just who the soul within was, and maybe try to reflect that self in whatever limited way I can. It wasn't much but it was enough back then. Then there was the negative motivation about how the very few people who loved me would be caused unnecessary pain. These are people I would never want to see hurting, especially due merely to because the fact that they loved me. My love for them could never allow this to happen. Now those few are even fewer. My mother and my baby sister are now gone. Things fall apart. The center cannot hold. Good one, Yeats. How true it is. The few get fewer. Loved ones and reasons, fading away, leaving me here. I guess I do sound dramatic, though I am only reacting. This is what it is to stand in these shoes, see with these eyes, and feel in this heart. In no way am I embellishing, exaggerating, or whatever. Here I am and this is me. This is how I feel. This is where I stand. Mostly. That being there is one more thing I wish I could say. Maybe someday I will have the courage. Until that day, here we are. How about a change of direction? Validation is really a hell of a thing. It really bites that we human beings need such a thing. Yet it is a need almost as basic as air, food, and water... Only we don't always die from its lack, not immediately anyway. It is often a much slower death. And some of us are the walking dead, walking around, but dead inside. And you can't really have true validation if you are incomplete in saying just who you are in the first place. And social media? You might as well forget looking there. It is the last place and the worst place to seek it. Oftentimes you find yourself leaving feeling so much worse than you were before. You will not find validation. What will you find instead? Mostly there are ads for crap you don't need and/or could never afford. There are folks on their political soapboxes, blue and red. There are armchair missionaries trying to 'save your soul' and thinking their damned religion is the answer to everything. There are those lovey dovey couples (Usually only one of the set) raving about just how wonderful their guy or gal is. There are other showing off just how wealthy they are, with cars, fancy houses and over the top vacations. Believe me the environment there is way too toxic for any real validation of any kind. Sometimes I seriously consider joining a few groups, changing a few ticks on the ol profile, maybe make a big splash with a new picture... Shout from the rooftops in the most memorable way, Go in style, go with a smile. In for a penny, in for a pound. Hmmmmmm. Better not for now. And so that battle rages on. Though that may be something I need to do if I'm ever to be truly happy. Maybe not quite in that fashion, but somehow. It's the same old internal debate. It's not changing until I actually decide. From there, going back would be impossible. One can far easier step off that proverbial cliff, but you can't step back onto it. From there it's Wile E Coyote all the way. Either you fall or you fly. There really is no going back. There is really no such thing as truly coming home. Some places are separated by miles, but it's when they're separated by years that you know you can never go home again. Geography is only part of the problem. Maybe I am some sort of time hobo. Not homeless, but timeless? Either way 2022 sucks. This two thousand double deuce piece of shit year of hell, this temporal equivalent to a slime covered cardboard box sucks so much it even makes hoover actually look like it's blowing. And not in the good way, dudes. I hate this goddamn year. Otherwise, how is your day going? Yes, such feelings come out in these waves. I surprise myself sometimes. Loved ones fade. Love for loved ones never will. And love just hurts sometimes. I always thought I would see her again. 

Echoes Through Infinity

Is a difference that makes no difference really a difference at all?  
You know like a parallel universe where one tree on another continent had 36 leaves when ours have 34? When is a difference really a difference? And what if the only difference is the distance between what I see and what you see?

To say that it's only in your mind is a misnomer like jumbo shrimp, honest politician, or government intelligence. Only in your mind, a universe in itself and in so many ways, everything? Only? Really? About the same as the used car salesman saying that useless pile of rust can be yours for only a lot of money. If it's on or in your mind,  there is no only about it.

They say that the direst prison is the mind itself. I say what's far worse is that even a free mind can be a prisoner of circumstance. And circumstance is the figurative Alcatraz. Tell me what is worse: A room with no windows or a room with see-through walls? Yet neither have a door. Is ignorance truly bliss? For otherwise does it not hurt when you can know, understand, feel, see... Yet never truly be? To dream of the possible while facing the probable? To see, to almost know, but never quite touch? Like trying to remember a name you swear you never forgot, yet it seems lost in the depths of memory.
 

And what of dreams? What is it to awaken when you can never truly step out into the sun? A world.. A whole universe appearing to be at arm's length, But so like a mirror. You cannot reach beyond that reflective glass.

Sometimes the end of the money comes well before the end of the month. Sometimes the end of the day comes before the end of things to be done. And I'm sure there will be something I was planning on doing the day after that I'll never be able to do.

There are the beautiful spoken words of love never ending... And it is beautiful.. But it can be painful when there is no end to the love, yet the same cannot be said for the loved. And let me tell you something I have learned all too recently in my life: Love songs get a lot of things wrong, you know. Maybe I'm not a good judge of romance and all that stuff, because such things never worked so well for me... So, Happy couples: Feel free to tell me if I am wrong. But., In my experience, there are many kinds of platonic love that runs just as deeply, just as strongly as any romantic love.. Even more so. And I know this to be true. I thought I learned a new level of emotional pain when my wife left me at the end of 2008.. And yes it did hurt a lot. More than anything that had happened before. But it wasn't until 2022 that I realized what true loss was.. I never knew that grief could be felt physically, as if I had taken gravely ill myself. See, even back in '08 and '09, my family was there. They all were, you know.. My sisters and my parents. Momma, and Marsha. My sisters, both of them were like guardians, and their protectiveness meant so much to my broken heart because it reminded me that somebody still cared about me. I could pick up the phone and call if I needed to talk. What is a catch-22? Not being able to just call Marsha to talk about just how tough it is without her around. Oh I can scroll down my contact list and her name and number is still there.. Mainly because I do not have the heart to delete it. But I cannot press that green button and talk to her... And that's a hell of a thing to live with, my friends. It is a tale of two days that I dread so much.  Her Birthday and mine. 8 years, 1 week... Nixon to Reagan. Cronkite to Rather. Quite a few years to be older than someone yet still here. Proof the universe does not run on logic or sense. We choose our wives, husbands, girlfriends, Yadda Yadda Yoda... You choose your friends and not your kin. A brother does not choose who his sisters will be... But If I could have, I would have still picked them. And I think I did really well in the parent lottery, too.

 

You can find a lot of sad songs about losing a romantic partner.. But the closest I can find to all that I have been going through these long months since January, is Johnny Van Zant's song about his elder brother. "Down Brickyard Road"

 

I Know I can't bring back yesterday........

 

 There is nothing new to things making no logical sense. Such things have and always will exist in this world.  But sometimes they really don't have to make any logical sense. Especially when they make emotional sense. To paraphrase something from Star Trek IV, The logical thing is not always the human thing. It is logical to fit the mold we were cast into, fill the role the world expects us to play. It is certainly the path of least resistance, less conflict (Yet conflict always exists no matter what).. But it is also the path of limitation and the least happiness, to be deprived of even simple recognition. Even if it might at first seem easier to go with the pull of the current, play your role, only to exit stage left sometime in the future. It almost seems that the entire universe is at odds with that inner core that knows, has always known. Everything from the earliest knowledge of existence, of circumstance, of the role. Surely it would be easier to not go against so many things that seems to be at odds with that deeper reality that you know to be true. Yet there are no easy paths at all. I have often thought about a forked path ahead, one to the left and the other to the right. Only one of them leads to anything predictable and it is however many more years of the same. The other path? Happiness? Fulfillment? Chaos? Ruin? I have often wondered. The only certainty is that a lot of things would change. Though for the better or the worse, I could not even guess.. The known? Stagnation, Stalemate, The Status Quo, the same old self imprisonment, of being stifled, wanting to shout but remaining forever silent. More of the same. What worth is an empty life leading to a meaningless death? And who in their right mind would ever want that? Still there is conflict, that endless inner argument where a part of me shouts, nearly screams to flip the damned table over, even if it also turns my world upside down. 

 

When is silence truly golden? When is it simply Iron, The steel that make up the bars? What is it to walk along that edge with the awesome view, so frightening when you look down?  What is it to take that one step from which you can never return? What is it like to just stand there for years, frozen with fear? What is it like to be the warden of your own prison?  Your captor, your jailer, that face in the mirror that never seems right? Tell me, though I already know. What is it like?