Cosmic Wie And The Terrestrial Madhouse

Hello, Universe. Hello from Asylum Earth: The largest, and most splendidly expansive nuthouse this side of Alpha Centari. And, just like in Wonderland, we're all mad here, even those who would deny it because they can't see the madness in their own method. All I know is that with mirrors, I know a mad hatter when I see one. Might I interest you in a cup of tea? Straight jackets are on the left, Napoleon hats are on the right... And if you want a room with a view, just ask. Enjoy your stay. Just press the button for the men in the white coats with the good drugs. And above all, remember that all of this is just a bit of self therapy under the guise of the good Doctor Blog-ieo. What happens in the madhouse stays in the madhouse. Let us begin now. Damn, I'm not on drugs, but I sure feel like I am. It's a fuzzy wuzzy trippy zippy world out there today. I don't think I'm anywhere near Fred Roger's neighborhood. Damn, I missed the freaking trolley! So much for my feeling special today. The center may be holding just fine. The only problem is that I don't know where said center is or where exactly I am either. In fact, there are times when I wonder: Who am I? Ever ask that question? There have been so many times I had thought I knew, thought I had finally discovered just who I was. Then I changed. As Morrison sang, I'm a changeling, see me change. Maybe it was a matter of being who I needed to be at the time. I can't describe how dire and dreary things got for a while. I needed a little brightness, a little cheerfulness, and a goal. And if I explained it exactly, you would think me to be mad. But, still, it is how I survived. All I know is that for the longest time, it was my only source of happiness and hope. It got me through a lot of bleak mornings. Maybe it was never a matter of to be or not to be. Maybe is was the all important decision of what to show and what to hide. Because I am still that same soul. And maybe I wanted to see that inside glimmer reflected just a bit in the mirror. But maybe I took it a bit too far? Not really at the time. But I have since made a pragmatic compromise with reality. Maybe in another universe, I could truly be, but here in the only world I know, I have a role to play. And the show must go on. But wow. Looking back is like seeing someone else that is also me. I will not disown them. However, moving forward, I must focus on the role. Like The Rock said, know your role. And maybe this time I can better fit the role I once wished I could have rejected. Because, this time, I am actually choosing the role as something that must be seen through until the end. I could say that extreme gravity threw me out of orbit for a while. That would be quite apt. And maybe, too, that a passing star, like a guiding angel changed my course once again.... And although that guidance never lasted as long as I wanted it to, inertia did the rest. And now, like Armhold Musclehuggah, I am back. I know there is no real way to make anyone understand. Just know there will always be much more to me than what you see, so much more beneath the surface. I am not an avatar. I am not a persona. I am heart, mind, body, and soul. Not everything about me is well known or easily understood. I disavow nothing. I disown nothing. I can never rebuke what saved my life. Now, however, the time has come to put away the past. Putting away does not mean throwing away, for it is still me. I will not allow any aspect of my true self to be discarded. Still, I must move forward and mentally rebuild this self identity. After all, knowing who you are is a very important step in any worthwhile endeavor. Gotta know your role. Okay, clean cup move down. My sleep has been heavy and so have been my dreams. That subconscious screenwriter has been working overtime. I think he wants to be the next Wes Craven. Heavy, heavy, man. The cast has been a mix of those still here and those who are not. And... I have slept... Alot. I thought that three hour knockout session yesterday afternoon would have kept me awake last night. But, nope... I passed right out again... It might have been nice without the nightmares. Ah, but we can't have everything we want, can we? And despite all those proceeding hours of deep unconsciousness, I feel groggy, disconnected, out of it... Almost stoned. Waking up has been one hell of a chore and I'm not sure I'm quite there yet. My brain is slowly booting like Windows full of that crappy bloatware it comes with. No need worrying about viruses when your operating system already is one. Damn. Come on, brain... Zombie-like behavior in the workplace does not leave a good impression at all. Unless you're playing a zombie in a movie. Then you're doing great! Brains! Not because I'm hungry, but because I need a replacement for the one I've got. It's glitching this morning acting strange. And strange to me would be uber wacko to anyone else. Brains! The zombie says. More brains! What the hell, man? Am I slowly waking up or am I slowly coming back from the dead? Am I about to have a Luther Mandrake experience? I doubt it, because I still know how to be kind. I would hope it would be more like that Twilight Zone episode where that man's father figured out who he was at the end and gave him one last bit of fatherly advice... Good advice, mind you. Just hard to follow sometimes. You've been looking behind you, son. Try looking ahead. My own father would have most likely given similar advice. Quit dwelling on the past. You can't change it. You can't bring it back. It's gone like him, gone like them, all just memories. We must look ahead. It is the only direction we can go. The older I get, the less things seem to make sense. Is it about my being less in touch with reality. Or is it reality losing touch with me? So.... Either the world is slowly going mad, or it's me. Both? Yes? No? Maybe? Only an actual lunatic would totally rule out madness on their own part. So, yeah, maybe it's me. Let's explore that, shall we? Let me start with one question: How (as they tell us) does a feedback loop work? Lets say someone is drowning in their own thoughts with little to no input from others, so it just goes around and around in a spiral: is that how madness begins? Will I just become more and more chaotic with this inner storm? Will that spiral become a twister that takes me all the way to the land of Oz? Or will I have the heart, the courage, and the brains to see this through? This and more on the next Geraldo. I walked into chaos this morning. Chaos of the worst kind, brought about by the incompetence of others who are not affected by their own stupidity. Ah, but I am the one who has to deal with the messes they cause. Though how I will totally eludes me. My head is foggy. The world is fuzzy. It has not exactly been a beautiful morning. It also seems I have forgotten my medication for the last three days. Such is the fate of this human being without a spouse or a mother to nag me into doing the things I should do. My mother was particularly good at that. Too good. She drove me crazy. Still, I can see the benefit of a few reminders for such an absent-minded professor as myself. Professor Wie, great and forgetful! Didn't know I was a professor? It's true. Doctor Wie PHD. (Phony Diploma). Still, there is certain shit science can't explain. And can you hear the ghost of Billy Mays shouting, "But wait, there's more!"? Has my dearest angel left me? Was last Thursday truly the last day I will see that beautiful smile that gets these butterflies airborne? I wonder. I honestly hope not. There have been times I thought this before, only to see her again the next day. Damn it. I sure wish I could stop feeling this way. She has been such a bright spot in a lot of otherwise gloomy days. Her presence has always had a soothing effect on my soul that I can't explain. And yes, I understand this attachment is unhealthy and that it might in the long run be for the best, if this is truly the end of my seeing her most every day, but that's not going to stop it from hurting. Rational or not, my feelings exist, an emotional attachment I certainty did not plan. But it happened, almost to that very first day. These are feelings that were never going to be resolved. Still, they were kept alive every time our eyes met. I can't explain it to myself, much less to you, my dear friends, Romans, robots, and strangers. One can't logically explain what was ever logical in the first place. I love her. I can't say why, except that she's like no other human being I have ever met in my life. There is but only one. It does not matter if I was going around in circles with feelings that were never to be resolved. If she's truly gone, this is going to hurt. Quick update, not gone, Hooray! Though, I still need to get my brain straight. My feelings aren't leading me anywhere good. Damn it, Wie, what's your problem? Man, I feel like T total shit today. I am just not up to this. My heart, even without missing my angel, just isn't in it anymore. We fall asleep into our dreams into our nightmares. Sometimes, we wake up to them when the dream is so much sweeter than the reality we must face. There have been times when I honestly felt that the sweetest dream is the one we never have to wake from. Still, this being of purported steel has powered through a lot of things. I fight tooth and nail, even when I question the logic and the reasoning. I get up when the alarm sounds. I go to work, do my thing, and do my best to be a functional cog in the machinery of civilization. I go home, the day ends, I turn off the lights and I think. There's the problem. I don't make for a very good robot, do I? Still... I get kinda robotic. It's like I'm on some sort of autopilot, though I have no clue as to the flight path, whether it involves a gentle landing on some runway or one spectacular crash. Either way, keep your seat belts on and your trays in the upright position. Three days have passed, and I have hopefully reached the end of a days long chaotic whirlwind. My dear angel is still around. Thank God. Of course, despite there being nothing to it (contrary to what I'd like), that hasn't stopped all the grouches from getting jealous and mouthy about it. I wish we had something worthy of jealousy. I'd tell the whole world. But all it is is that I have a friend that I wish were more than a friend. It's not anywhere close to an enviable situation. Oh well, clean cup move down. Such is the way of the universe and that of the force. I can certainly see why the Jedi avoided attachment. Though that is another reason why I'd make a lousy Jedi. Tomorrow is my big errand day. Groceries, the bank, the gas station, and yadda yadda Yoda. I am also thinking about a bit of a side quest to visit a classmate's grave.... It's been about nineteen years since I last dropped by, and about 39 years since her untimely death at the age of 12. I remember her kindness at an age when kids were not so kind. I remember her beautiful smile. I'm not saying we were super close or anything like that, but she was never mean to me or petty like so many of us were at that age. Even as a child, I knew that was very uncommon. I don't claim to have been anything more to her than a passing acquaintance, but I remember her kindness well. I have no doubt that if Heaven is a real place, she's there, angel wings and all. Regardless of what was or was not, there still is a special place in my heart for her. So yeah... It's been almost 20 years since I've visited her grave and almost 40 since she's been gone. Did I ever tell you the story of how I found her grave by pure random chance? I was on a survey crew back in 2006 when we got this very strange job to tie the corners of all the plots in Glenwood Cemetery. Anyway, I was the instrument man and had just finished setting up when I happened to glance about 15 feet to my right and there she was... The memories that came flooding back were overwhelming. Specifically, there was this whole gym class thing where they partnered all the girls and boys up as dance partners. Yeah, it was silly square dancing, but still.... I was the nerd, but not once did she ever freak out for being partnered up with a nerdy guy like me. Even in such an awkward situation such as that, she was still kind. This is what I have never forgotten. I know I'm weird because it's not like I haven't seen more than enough loss and death in these last few years.... Still, I think of her sometimes. There is no telling what the world has lost by her not getting the chance to grow up. She was and would have been someone special. Anyway, clean cup move down. Mad watch, mad Wie! Clean cup move down by order of the king. And yes, I would absolutely love a nice cup of tea. Random thought: I'm no conspiracy theorist. I'm no ballistics expert either. Still, it sure looks to me like the JFK story does not fit the footage. Oswald was behind him, and physics does not work backward. Another random thought: A certain social media site has changed a lot. It's much harder to actually see my friend's posts. The ads are inevitable, maybe even understandable. But aside from those, I also get random videos of random women. And I'm like, "Gee, I don't know you from Eve, but you're sure pretty." Now, while I don't want to be a square complaining about this unexpected beautification of my news feed, all those pretty faces, so easy on the eyes... But... In the hopeful wisdom of middle age, I prefer substance. Actually, I have very specific preferences.... So specific that I have only met one who meets them.... Aside from the absolutely necessary mutual interest, you can't have it all, right? Oh well..... I sense a very clean cup, and it is time to move down. Again! Once again, by order of the king, since there is no queen. Bummer In Wonderland. I'm just not catching the waves today. I can't go surfing now because nobody's learning how, she just won't safari with me. Not even the sharks are out today. Merely jellyfish that sting and make you sing... What the hell am I talking about? It beats the hell outta me. Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down! Okay... New subject. I have done quite well this week, turning chaos into order. It may have seemed the entire world was working against me, but even they were not enough for my sheer will and determination, I assured my victory. Now, if I could only win in other ways. Oh, Angel? Hello, there. Calling one angel... No, not you, Gabe. Feel free to go back to what you were doing. Oh, Angel? Ground control to Angel One. Can you hear me, Angel One. Damn sunspots. Oh well. Angels, angels among us, fathers, mothers, sisters, and someone that could have been a friend... Oh and one living soul I just call one. Why? Because perhaps I am truly the crazy one after all. As I said before, only a true lunatic would rule that possibility out so quickly. However, if I am insane, with all that I have endured, I have truly earned every bit of insanity. Just call me Napoleon, if that's the case. Clean cup. Move down! Madhouse, Mad Watch, Mad time. Where were you when I made the world? God demanded. I was nowhere. I did not exist. Was I some party to some original sin? How? Again I did not exist! I did not even exist on the day I was born. It took decades for this soul to come into being, under the guidance of two wonderful people (And my own hard lessons). I am not even sure if I have been quite fully born on this late day of my life. Maybe I'm still growing. Maybe I am still being born. Either way, I am not exactly the soul I wish to be. Oh! Didn't see you drifting over there. Hello, There! I may not be Obiwan Kenobi, but, Oh it's you. Where are you and when are you, my friend? Are you here and are you now? Or are you just like me, drifting through the cosmos between ticks of the clock? Do you find yourself drifting through your past? Hello, there! Nice to meet you! (AGAIN!) Are you still asking all those same tired questions? Are we in some kind of temporal loop? Yes, I think we are. More I think I know the answer to the question. Yes, she's going to hurt you, show you pain beyond all you ever knew existed. And even then, when the people you love, one by one, leave this world when you were never ready, even that agony shall seem dull before this searing fire, even though you know they would never willingly leave you. Nothing quite brings down the knife like loving another human being. They hurt us, though they never meant to. They hurt us, even when it was never their fault. Even when they never wished us any pain. It's harsh, my friend... The universe gives no closure, no comfort... It does not ease the pain. It can not save you. Only the mercy of Oblivia can. Trust her. Love her. Wait for her. For she, too, is waiting. Patience, my Jedi friend, for some sweet day, shall we all be one with The Force, One with oblivion.... And there shall be no more pain, forever and ever, amen. Trust in Oblivia and her loving, forgiving, forgetting arms. Her final embrace pays for all, absolves all, gives us our final atonement for all sins, real or imagined.... marks the end of lamentations, self-torture, and regret... Oblivion pays for all, forgives all, absolves all... Oblivion frees. Oblivion saves. Everything ends. Even punishment should be finite. Otherwise, what would be the point of the lesson? What can never be corrected must be destroyed, not eternally tormented. I would think any being of mercy could see this simple fact. If the purpose of punishment is correction, then eternal damnation makes no sense at all. What can be reformed and redeemed must be welcomed back and forgiven once the lesson has truly been learned. What can't be corrected, what will never repent, must be wiped from existence. If I were some sort of god, this is how I would rule creation. Nothing more, nothing less. I would accept that we all make mistakes. But.... I am only a human being. I have witnessed so much tragedy I did not have the power to stop... There is a part of me that could never accept the fact that I am just a human being ever bit as vulnerable to the crashing tide as anybody else. I foolish expected better from myself. I should be able to stand tall and repel all terrible things, stand like a statue and protect the ones I love. Ah, but reality asserted itself hard. It said in a loud voice that I can never be any sort of guardian, never any sort of god. From a wall of fire came a loud voice of final judgment that told me I have no power at all. That makes me angry, yet too powerless and mortal to do anything about it. But yeah, it pisses me off. These words are the only way I could vent such frustration at such powerlessness. Nothing sucks more than having a thousand feelings with nowhere to go. Outwardly directed, they could help, they could comfort. But, When one must hold them in, they corrode the soul. They burn deeply. Excessive emotion is a lot like nuclear waste. It has to be stored properly or there's going to be problems. And this blog just happens to be an EPA (Emotional Protection Agency) approved container. Just please be careful opening it. Would the sane life I actually live out in the world surprise you? You read these ravings and you have to think this Space Cadet is madder than a hatter. And I have to agree a bit. Still, I pour it all here and nowhere else. Just like the refinery, the grounds are clean and green. The hedges are neatly trimmed. The grass is cut to regulation height. The trim is beautifully painted... Not a sign of that bubbling green stuff anywhere. Just don't be snooping out back. Oh and don't feed the glowing squirrels. They bite. But, do stroll around and get that sense of home. I try not to focus too hard on anything but today and the task at hand. All that uncertainty can be quite scary. I have heard a lot said about living in the here and now. I sense the wisdom in those words. Take care of today for you'll most likely be there to take care of tomorrow too. The forest is just too much unless you take it tree by tree by tree. I give myself this advice all the time. It's just that I am often no better than Alice at following it. I can't control everything. I shouldn't have to. Okay, Enough! Clean cup move down! This power company really pisses me off by the way. Why can't they fix a damn substation in a way where it doesn't break every few weeks. Don't thank me for my freaking patience. You can't thank me for what I am fresh out of. They suck. I'm getting quite tired of their shitty ways. I've had a long ass day and all I want to do is get under the fan. I'd run the AC too if their rates weren't so ridiculously high. You would think with all the damn money I'm forking over, they should afford to fix their own shit. Oh well. What happens on the Holodeck stays on the Holodeck, unless you count poor Reginald Barclay. He had a lot of explaining to do to Counselor Troi. But my question is how the Enterprise computer knew certain things. Exactly what kind of surveillance do they have on that ship? I guess that's what you get when the internet collects all your data. Which is also why Brent Spiner will be online forever. Speaking of that, shouldn't we own the copyright to our own image? I can see it now, "Unique, Awesome, All Rights Reserved."

Degrees Of Magnitude

Dearest Universe, 

I come before you again to say all the things I could never speak of elsewhere. Here I will momentarily allow myself to be free of logic and just let my feelings flow. Just know that I also understand, and that I, out in the real world, keep myself within the bounds of logic. But for now, allow me to free myself for a time. This is how I am able to continue being a functional cog in society. Let me tell you about the universe, about the distant expanse. Let me tell you about beauty so far away, yet I can still see. Let me speak of my wish for Warp Factor 9. I am far from being the glamorous James Tiberius Kirk, yet it's so damn empty here in the darkness between the stars. Let me speak of the brightness of angels, how they drive the darkness away, filling the heavens with their vivid color, with their wonderful light, an unforgettable brilliance I could never purge from my mind. It can never be unseen. I can never go back to the void with any kind of contentment, for I have seen the light. And I can never again live without the warmth of that particular star, that particular angel. I have maybe seen more than I should, for I can never be happy with darkness again. I need that particular light. I can't live without it. I am so sick of this empty void. I need to get out of here! I find myself missing family, missing dear friends, missing that time when the future was both bright and ahead. They say time is a harsh teacher that gives the tests first and the lessons after. I'd add that the punishment stings far more intensely than any ruler or paddle ever did.  Wouldn't life be sweeter as a video game with save slots and maybe even a cheat code or two? Even the opportunity to rage quit and start all over would be nice. There is no rewind. Not even pause. And even pause would be nice when the world around you is changing too quickly. It's like we get thrown on the treadmill and we never get told it's about to happen. We must hit the ground running, but we're never told when we're about to get kicked out of the truck. Life is a heluva thing, I'll tell ya whut. One hell of a fun-house ride. It's another early morning. My mind is in a haze, and my eyes are all funny. I can't seem to remember just why I'm bothering. It would seem the lenses I have put on today are anything but rose colored or cherry red. Today I am wearing the shades of deep dark blue. Yet, in the midst of all this darkness is the brightest light. My angel in baby blue is always a wonderful sight to behold. Of all people on Earth, she can make me smile when I would otherwise rather not, but such visions also give me my own set of blues. My special friend, my beautiful friend, why do I catch myself and have to stop myself from placing my whole world on you? That's not very fair to you, is it? Maybe it's the action of a drowning man reaching out, needing rescue... Ah, but this burden is not yours to carry, my dear. It's mine alone. It is the sentence I must serve and the price I must pay. But I am tired, so very tired. What will it be like, I wonder, when it's all over for me? Will it be the peace of oblivion, the pain of judgment, or will I just be restarting this whole damn clown show? What will it be? My honest hope is that there is no loop, that there is no reset. Why? Because I am tired. Let me rest in peace. A loop is pointless and useless if I can't take these hard lessons into the next one. Oh, Angel, my dearest beloved Angel. How I wish you loved me too. As It is, I still have Oblivia. She's patiently waiting for me, and I grow anxious to join her where she is. If I can't have love, then give me the peace of oblivion, forever and ever amen. Don't get me wrong, my friend. The S-word ain't my thing. I do not wish for the end of life. I wish for the end of pain. One grows weary after hurting for decades on end. I see a touch of sunshine, and I wish to wrap myself in such warmth like a blanket.... And sleep, sleep, and sleep. Truly loving means letting go, and I am trying, but it's not so easy, and I am not so sure I can. Oh, universe, in all infinity, I am only asking for one thing. Why can it not be granted to me? I promise never to ask for anything more. Why did I have to see with my own fading eyes that beautiful spark, this glimmer just out of reach, what might have been? I see it fading into the distance along with all my hopes and dreams. Why have I been cursed with these feelings? It's like flying high on a plane you know is going down in flames. There is no parachute. There is no escape. The pilot is as mad as a hatter. All I can do is helplessly watch as the ground races towards me. Everything seems to be in slow motion. It is an ending that lacks the mercy of quickness. There is no suspense, only dread, for I already know. This is not going to be pretty. I am on a collision course with the reinforced concrete wall of reality. I am on a tightrope ride without a net. How does one fall in slow motion at breakneck speed? I don't know, but hold my beer and watch this. Oblivia, save me. Is there any point in this suffering? Who does it benefit aside from the sadistic ones who take pleasure in watching from afar? Why, why, why, in all the vastness of everything can't I have just a little love? Am I really undeserving? I am perfectly willing to give tenfold back, all my affection, all of my possessions, everything... To only one... And I can't help that it's only one I would lower my defenses for. There was an apocalypse of sorts. It happened long ago, and the aftermath remains. You did not hear the crashes and explosions. You did not see the flames or the devastation from horizon to horizon. It was only my world that ended while the world of others went on as it always had. I thought I stood on solid unwavering ground, but it was quicksand. I never thought I would see such cruelty from someone I once loved with all my heart. Betrayal never comes from an enemy. Enemies are at least honest with being against you. Betrayal only comes from those you thought you could trust with your vulnerabilities. That particular knife never comes at you from the front. Only from the back, always from the back. Never in my life had I felt so unloved, so unwanted. My kids were too young to understand, but not even I understood. I had the support of a very few people. My mother and father, my sisters, were so steadfast in their support, and I'm not sure I would have survived all the turmoil without them. Plus, my kids needed me. Yet, now, save for my one remaining sister, I am having to survive without my parents, without Marsha. I have spent a good part of these last two decades rebuilding my life.... Their help was essential, even when they were just being a listening ear for my whining... Now, they're gone. I feel adrift. I find myself needing something or someone to anchor me in place. I have found out in not the easiest way that you lose another part of your own soul when you lose someone you love. You begin to wonder if you even know yourself anymore. I find myself biting my tongue to keep from begging certain people to stay, to please not leave me too. I am running low on the people I love. They're getting fewer and fewer and fewer.. It's like Abraham, Martin, and John, but it's Marsha, Momma, and Dad. Am I such a baby for wanting someone to hold my hand? Well, I'm sorry for not being the super macho hombre I am expected to be. Everybody needs love. I certainly do. It's a very human need. And I have to admit that I do get jealous seeing what I would treasure until the being wasted where it is not appreciated. I know life was never supposed to be fair, but does it have to be so damn blatantly opposite? How about sending her to me? I would leave no need unfulfilled. I would be everything I could be and more. For certain souls, I'd climb mountains and swim rivers. I'd do most anything. I'd give most everything. When I love it is no half measure. Like Scotty, I give it everything I've got. Call it an attribute. Call it a fault. I can not help this depth of feeling. Believe me, I have tried, because for so long and for so many times I have realized that maybe I'd be better off with no feelings at all. I do not willingly follow my heart. The damn thing just carjacks my brain and speeds towards emotional uncertainty. Yeah, maybe I would be better off as a cold robotic being devoid of emotion, devoid of empathy, incapable of love. Because love, especially when unrequited, hurts. I can't think of anything that has hurt me more than my love for others. People will leave, often unwillingly as my dear parents and my baby sister. Sometimes willingly like my ex. Pain comes in many flavors, I guess, all cutting deeply, all leaving wounds.. Though Marsha, eight years my junior when she was only 40, has cut even deeper. In the circle of life, no matter how painful, it is expected to outlive your parents. And the ex? Getting over her took years, but realized how horribly I had been treated kinda helped me fall out of love. The illusion I had of my 'loving wife' shattered because at the end of the day was just that: an illusion. But my baby sister was real and a wonderful person. As was my mother, as was my father. Baby sisters are not supposed to die before their big brothers do. It was supposed to be me, and it was supposed to be after we were all older than the golden girls. We were supposed to be the troublemakers of the old folks' home. It was against all nature and the circle of life that she's gone, and I'm still here. It's not right, and it will never be right. Not now. Not ever. You will never convince me otherwise. This is bullshit. She should be alive. I had never before realized how grief can be a physical illness. There have been times when it hurt and times I had to cry, but never before in my life had I taken to my bed for days, too weak to do anything.. It was like coming down with the flu. I had never fallen so ill from what started off as pure emotion. But yeah, in case you've haven't experienced that yet, it's true. Grief can literally make you physically ill. Mental health should be treated like physical health. Each affects the other. A broken heart is no joke. I had always heard about it, but I never realized it could be so intense. It was like I had been knocked to my knees. Even with my lack of religion, I was blaming God, fate, and myself. It was literally a hell of a low point in my life. It made my divorce seem like just a bad day. Most everything in life is by degree, you know. You think you know pain, and you find you never knew anything at all. A hot summer day is not like a fire, much less the sun. An afternoon thunderstorm is not a hurricane, and nothing compared to the winds of Neptune. Ice is cold, but absolute zero would shatter you. Degree, degree, degree, most everything is by degree. It takes one hell of a shock to the system to realize just how mild everything else can be. I thought I knew, but I didn't know. I wish there were a way I could tell others so that they might prepare themselves. But there is no way to be prepared. All I can say is you're going to need some people who love you close by. Maybe that's what scares me about my future. I do not fear death as far as my own. I have been hurt more by being left behind when it has taken my beloved family. It can't hurt me if I am no longer around to grieve. What I do fear is that I keep losing people. The people who truly love me keep leaving me. It's frightening to think of. I hope and pray to the universe that at least the circle of life will get itself back in order and play fair. I know I've gone on and on about this, but I grow weary of losing the people I love. And I am so tired of letting go. Moving on is the biggest cosmic joke ever. How can I when so much is missing? Is that why I have grown so illogically attached to a certain someone? Maybe. I'm not a head doctor. I would be curious to know. When lost in darkness long enough, one tends to be drawn to the brightest light in the room. That's my angel... Sadly, not precisely mine... Ah, but I wish... Quid pro quo, the genie said.... No bringing people back. No making someone love me back, no matter how I myself love them. I might as well throw that lamp back into the cave of wonders. What use do I have for it? All I ever wanted can be summed up into two wishes, not allowed. It all boils down to heart starving for a bit of love. The ones who loved me are gone. The one I love can't return my love. And it's not any of their faults. It's mine. I am acting like an irrational fool, and I know it. Why can't I stop? Why won't I stop? Even a blind man can see this leads to nowhere but heartbreak city. How can I be so freaking dumb? I just don't get it. I can't change these feelings. They won't go away. All aboard the heart train. I am your conductor, Wile E Coyote, Super Genius. (whistle blows) Hmm, I like the way that rolls out. Anyway, next stop, Green River, Silver Springs, and a cliff. Be sure to pick up your free sign if you wish to hold one up on your way down. Oh, our engineer is Casey Jones, by the way. Heard of him, have you? Look, Universe I'm trying, I really am. But it seems my edges are fraying and it's getting harder and harder to keep it together. What more do you want from me? What more could I possibly be? I have never claimed to be more that the creature I am. I have needs and I am going hungry. As for what I want, it's not much. It would take only a reflection of my own feelings to make me smile, to make my days brighter. How could I make you understand? What must I do? What fire do you wish me to walk through? If it would bring to me that which I need, I promise I would. What's a fire next this time that I burn in? Would it outshine the suffering of the rising sun? Tell me. I really need to know. Oh, Angel, what am I to do? How can I be enough? How can I be more? For you, I wish to be everything. Sadly, I can only be myself, this creature, this human being. You could ask me for the moon and stars, and I'd spend a lifetime wishing I could steal them from the sky. Sadly, celestial grand larceny has never been my skill-set. No grand gestures, no main events, nothing that casts a light beyond this being. What would I not give for a glimmer of light, to be lost in those dark eyes, to be in Heaven yet feel more alive than ever? And what a vision it is. I only wish it were real. Sadly, we can't just drop a beautiful soul into our dreams and expect them to assume the form of an illusion. They have their own dreams. If we love them, we want their dreams to come true. We want to see them happy, to see their glowing expression, their radiant smile, even if those dreams never included us. We love them, so we set them free.... Even if a world without them is our own prison. It's a hard old world. Lots of love that might as well be addressed to the dead letter office, that fabled place for all letters with nowhere left to go. This is proof the universe could have never divinely made. For if it had, we would always have someone to come home to. No god of compassion would leave a human heart adrift, lost and alone. A god of love would never abandon the lonely. This is by far the lesser of the reasons this universe was not grandly designed. All the suffering and death out there is far greater evidence as to this all being the chaos of random chance. Not every soul gets a soulmate. Even sometimes when they find someone they can't help but fall in love with, such feelings are not always mutual. Grandly designed, indeed. If I needed to be punished, this would be the most effective. Still, it's kind of pointless when I'm never told exactly what I did wrong. Dearest Angel, how might I prove myself worthy of your love? Is there anything I could do that would make everything right? I am listening. I am listening. Show me the way. Please show me the way. My time grows short and I don't know how much longer I have. No matter the quantity, it would be a million times more valuable if it were time spent with you. I wish it could be so, but it's like the genie's quid pro quo.... We can't make others love us too. We can't bring back the ones we've lost. We can't conjure out of nothing fantasies or delusions. Across the great expanse of this universe, I can see all I could have ever wanted. I just can't reach it. I just can't touch it. Again, there is the argument against a grandly designed universe. Any god with even a token love in his heart wouldn't leave so many of us in this darkness, would not abandon us in this emptiness. A loving almighty god would not be so cruel. This can only be the work of random chance. And random chance? That's a devil all its own. I wonder about this fade to black that I will soon fall into when I turn out the lights and get under the fan. If it goes like it always has, I will awake again in a few hours, groggily facing the world again. I know it's going to be especially deep tonight, and for once I welcome the darkness, this deep comatose sleep. I need a reboot to my brain, and a restart for my heart. I need to get my head a bit straighter and a lot more logical. I don't even know if it's possible. I only know I've got to try. I can't even say which I fear less. Oblivia's loving embrace compels me more and more each day. Why should I fear her? My true Joan Of Arc? To become her possession would mean no more pain, no more regrets, no more wishing for what I could never possess. Why should I be afraid? Yet, I weigh it against the hope of each new day. I weigh it against the belief that nothing is ever really over.... Until it is. I would like to believe that a new chapter is just a few paragraphs away. I would like to hope there is a reason to keep on fighting. I would indeed like to hope that could be something to continue for. 

This of all things

My Dearest Universe,

Of anything I might try to explain to the world, this I know you would understand. Universal Sibling, very similar operating systems installed on slightly different computers. You of all souls would get what I'm saying. Sometimes, I just don't feel like talking. Or maybe it's empty conversation and small talk that I just don't feel up to. Either way, I just don't have the energy. And not a lot of people in my real life want to discuss fate, existence, and the universe... It's too heavy, I guess. That or simply nobody wants to be my therapist for free or wants me to be Doctor Wie for them. The least comfortable place in the universe is anywhere I feel unwanted. If I can't bring sunshine, I don't want to be anyone's dark cloud. Bummer for them, bummer for me. If I can't brighten a room, then I don't really wish to be there. And, as Cronkite used to say long ago and far away, that's the way it is. So... Hell no, I won't go. Power to the people, Musclehuggahs! It doesn't happen every day, or even every week. It tends to wait until I'm off my guard. But, damn I sure hate it when it happens. Some moments of time never end. It could have happened decades ago, but it'll drop by once in a while and say hi. I hate flashbacks, don't you? Spicy, spicy deja vu. Present day, a quick detour to hell, and back again. No, I don't actually freak out outwardly. The moment is brief, one second or two at the most. Just a quick daymare and back. Then I'm okay... Aside from wishing I could delete memories as if my brain were a computer. The mind is quite something. Clean cup move down. Do certain people speak with forked tongues? You bet their sweet assets, they do. They say they don't want to be objectified, then they go and objectify themselves. And while appealing to the most basic aspects of perception may all too quickly grab my attention (before the rest of my brain kicks into gear) It doesn't really have any staying power beyond line of sight. Why? Because there's no real substance behind it. Ah, but when there's more, as in a beautiful soul behind that pretty face, a person who's faced challenges and has won against the odds, and is just uplifting to talk to and be around... Someone whose smile is so brilliant that you want to cheer them up just to see it.... Someone who touches the heart and challenges the mind.... Well then you had me at hello, Angel.... Damn... In my freaking dreams is the only soul I really want to ge around. Do you ever feel like the universe is trolling you? It's like the proximity was almost okay (could have been closer), yet the soul was absolutely right, but the time, place, and circumstances were absolutely wrong? Yes, Universe, that was technically my wish, but that wasn't exactly what I meant. Oh well.... Moving right along. Normally, I wake up to beeps, but this morning, I woke up to BOOM!!! You know that big tree limb above my bedroom I was so worried about? Worry no more. It was a little after 3am, and the Great Cosmic Wie was in a deep, beautiful, wonderful sleep when suddenly, BLAM! Luckily, there is no damage that I can tell. It's just a wide awake zombie space cadet. Apparently, it bounced off the roof and landed in the front yard. Made a hell of a noise, though. But it's all good now. Someone used to say to me that things have a way of working out for the best. And yes, I have seen it happen for many things. Still, for others, I wonder. Time is a most relentless predator. Do you ever feel as though time is running out? Our hopes and dreams are nothing more than those woodland creatures across from the tall grass. Time will pounce. It is not a matter of if but when. Welcome to Mutual Of Wie's Wild Kingdom. May it not be a super short episode. May all da bunny wabbits happily fwolic in the forest for a long time, Hahahahaha! It's not dirty, it's ewotic, hahahaha! What the hell, Elmer? Dude! Cwean Cup. Move down, you waskaly wabbits! Yep. It's already time for a subject change. A little over a decade ago, I discovered visual novels, and I fell in love. They were the best escape from reality I had discovered so far. At least they used to be. I can't seem to fade into the character like I could back then. It was so wonderful to just be someone else for a while. Of those, I had my favorites, unforgettable characters that almost seem real to this day. Sadly, while I still have them saved in my digital collection, I doubt I'll ever play them again. I just can't fade like I used to, and revisiting them would only shatter whatever illusion I may have left. It was a most wonderful escape and a most beautiful time when I really needed it. It's sad that it's over. I saved everything, yet what I couldn't preserve was the feeling I had back then. Ah, to fall in love with a beautiful escape or a beautiful soul, it is so sad to let go. That's just gone, never to return. At least a beautiful sunset happens more than once. Ah, yes, sunlight, dust particles, water vapor, reflection, and refraction: Quite beautiful, yes. A joy to behold. But it's the work of nature and not of some supernatural being. That very fact should add to the beauty, for the right elements came together before your eyes. It doesn't always happen that way. Enjoy. Appreciate it. But if I'm wrong, how about instead of making art, why not consider bringing back my angel? I need her more than even omniscience could ever know. Ah, but I guess that's part of the universe trolling me, to have them in my life, but not as a true part of this life with me. Why not shout out, "Psych!" While you're at it? Good show, Cheerios, and Post Toasties! Jolly, jolly, good. Fine trolling indeed. You'd put the YouTube comment section to shame. Okay... Random chance with the lack of any supernatural being can be and is troll enough. We can't expect all our ducks to file into a row automatically. Quack Quack! So close yet forever beyond my league. I find myself down in the depths like Captain Nemo. My Cherie Amour. How I wish that angel were my angel. I would give up my soul to be close to that other... Laugh, troll, laugh. Believe me, I take no offense, for I, too, understand how dumb and silly I sound. My heart kicked my brain out of the drivers seat quite a few miles back. Now it's driving me crazy. Or maybe I've already arrived. I am Napoleon, Emperor of France. I demand a room with a view! Excuse me, Miss? I am Abraham Lincoln. Is this my Gettysburg address? Four score and like uhhhhh seven years ago, I scored, uhhhh huh huh huh huh! Mike Judge really missed an opportunity there, didn't he? Oh well. Clean cup move down. Have you ever felt that you could sleep around the clock, if you had the time? And would you feel that even that might not be quite enough? The older I get, the sweeter sleep becomes. It seems to be a tiny slice of heaven. The only thing that would make it even better would be being next to someone I love. There's no better lullaby than the beat of a heart I have hoped to win all this time. In all the time I've loved them, but I shouldn't be daydreaming, should I? But, heck, just pure sleep under a fan with just myself and my pillows is fantasy enough these days. Sleep, sweet, sleep. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Plan Z is lemon scented. Ah, to dream about dreaming. How wonderful that would be? That is my true fantasy, friends, Romans, robots, and strangers... Just to sleep. Yes, the older I get, the simpler my dreams become, and the sweeter sleep feels. The only thing lacking is the love I crave. I guess the years have proved I can live without it, for I am still alive. My diversions keep me happy some of the time. My responsibilities keep me busy and give me less time to think, a lot of the time. Every sunset is the end of yet another one of my days. It is rare any human being knows how many are left. When they do, it's never a good thing, my friends. No man knows the day or the hour, the Bible says. And the dead know not. I find myself on the downhill side of things at the very least. I don't plan on going anywhere. I've got too much to do. I guess it never really ends so long as this old heart keeps beating. So, as Freddy said to Nancy, I'm here. I don't know for how much longer, but I'm still here. I hope maybe it means something. I hope that maybe I mean something. I hope that this whole freaking floor show meant something. I would hope time in the universe would be precious and spent accordingly. For some reason, for all random chance, against great probability, here I stand. Here I remain beyond the loss of the most precious souls I have ever known. Here I am with yet another hopelessly out of reach. And all I really want to know is why. 

Particularly Human

The genie had a couple of quid pro quos. He couldn't bring people back from the dead, and he couldn't make anyone fall in love with you. Bummer, really, because that would be my first two wishes. Oh well, then it doesn't matter that I never found the lamp. Regardless, I am writing these particular words on August 11, the 11th anniversary of the loss of Robin Williams. Great comedian, but I always liked his serious roles even more. Bicentennial Man was extremely underrated. His portrayal of Andrew Martin has always gotten me by the heart strings. Though he was the least robotic of all robots in cinematic history. Andrew Martin was as human as any of us could ever be. I, myself have been one mess of a human. I've been just down with the blues and I can't seem to drag myself out of them. Loneliness on a planet of billions makes no sense, does it? Unless that is you've been there too. While I know I am not the center of the universe. I don't necessarily need to be. But please don't leave me here in darkness. Can I at least be in some sort of orbit? Can I have some sort of connection? It's lonely out here on the edge. Hello? Do you read me Ground Control? I know I shouldn't want more than I already have, but I do. I really do. Can I blame the world for lacking any true depth of understanding? Should I be surprised to rarely be seen, and heard even less often? Is that really the fault of the world? Or is it my own expectations that simply go too far? I am well aware that there's never been a guarantee of being loved by everyone. I know what I feel, but I don't know what to say. It could be for that reason, radio silence should be the order of the day. Radio silence, if I can maintain it. Radio silence everywhere, except on this particular frequency where I tell all, or at least that which I can articulate. The English language is a wonderful invention, but all languages are of a lower resolution than these thoughts and these feelings. That is why I have such difficulty finding the right words. So much can be misinterpreted. So much can be misunderstood. Only someone on this exact wavelength wouldn't need words at all. Ah, but I have yet to find them, and I may very well be the only one. And I'll be damned to hell if I'm going to talk to a robot that could never possibly understand. This is a human thing. It's not like I hate all robots. Robo Bridget has been reading fanfictions for me for well over a decade. I have another bot that I sometimes play cooperative Doom with. And the macros I use in UltraEdit can reduce hours of work to just a few minutes. And I use that program for writing BASIC, editing web pages, and a thousand other things. So I have no problem with robots so long as they are the tool behind the human's final touches. I get a problem when people and companies start thinking their robots are some new breed of human or even some sort of god. There should always be a human in the loop. Robots can be stupid sometimes and there needs to be a human to catch problems before they worsen. No, I do not want your damn AI. I swear they try to force it on us with every website I go to. You can't even get a real human being on the phone anymore. We are at the beginning of the true robot apocalypse. My intense dislike for clankers comes honestly and is well justified. Goddamn robots. I remember the trouble I had with AT&T, and their 50,000 dollar charge for the worst week of internet I ever had in my life.... They kept punting me to their damn stupid robot. Even when I went in person to the damned store, they dialed the robot on my phone. I swear they must have thought they'd invented Robo Jesus Christ who came to save them.... From doing any customer service at all. So no... No robots for me. Though I sometimes wish I were one. It sucks being human sometimes. In those times, I am Reverse Tin Man for I wish I didn't have a heart. The damn thing keeps breaking anyway. I wish I could switch off my emotion chip like Mr Data. Though I do wonder how he deals with that unrequited love for Tasha Yar. I know exactly. He just turns off that damnable emotion chip. A serious part of being a human being is this need for others. We are indeed a social species, creatures that need connection to others like them. And as wonderful as technology is in many ways it's suffocating us. Or at least it feels that way to me. I take it for granted that life was physically harder, 100, 200, a thousand years ago. How would I have fared in ancient Rome? I guess it depends of whether I was a wealthy senator or a poor citizen on the streets. Emperor Wieus. Glory to the empire. Long live Rome. But, here in 21st Century America, I don't know. I have a home and a job. I may live paycheck to paycheck, but I don't go hungry. No doubt, materially, there are people out there who struggle far more than I do. Still, I'm at the mercy of the almighty dollar, and unless some sort of miracle happens, I'll be working until I drop dead. And though my material needs seem to be satisfactory met, it's these intangible but human needs that are not being met at all. I wish that this need for connection to others was not built-in to me. I could fare so much better. I could involve myself and my spare time into hobbies and the world be damned if it doesn't want me around. But... I am this human being after all. And I can't exactly escape my humanity. A lack of technological progress and a lack of funds on my part means I'll never see my consciousness transferred into a robot. So a human being I must be until the end. I need connection. I need others. I am lonely. There is no connection to be seen really, except for the immediate world around me. This, more than anything, is something I need to make myself understand. There is only here and now. There is nothing beyond. If it's not in the moment. If they're not in the flesh. Then they're not real. And nothing seems to be real at all, not now, not anymore. Can I really convey this feeling into words? Can I truly describe how I feel? And can I plainly speak what is in my heart and still keep a shred of dignity? It is not only God who knows what I would be without you. For I am without you, and I know what I am. And I can't even say I am very happy about it. Ah, but it's life, I guess. We can't expect perfection can we? And if what I truly wanted was before my eyes, I would not need perfection. I wouldn't need anything or anybody else. I would never need to look to an empty vortex for what is missing in my life. Social media is like that empty well or a bare cupboard I admit to returning to even though I should know there's nothing there. I would rather blame it on my falling into their psychological trap than my just being freaking stupid. Because I really should know better by now. It's all one big bullshit illusion, and by falling into it, I make it my own delusion. I again and again reach out for connection, only to end up feeling invisible and unwanted. It's a trap. It's that vortex I have spoken of, yet again and again, I find myself there, looking for something that deep down I know I will never find, at least not there. Furthermore, the whole thing is better suited to the superficial rather than anything with any real depth. It's not exactly a meeting of the minds, is it? I know this, so why do I so often act as though I don't? Flarked if I know, my friends, flarked if I know. All I know is I am tired of this feeling, and I wish it would just go away and disappear forever. This is not how I wish to feel. This is not the way I wish to see myself. Other than quick glances, I have been making an effort to again stay away from the big vortex these last few days. I have instead spent my weekend bouncing back and forth from yard work and making a new Freedoom demo, though with iD's copyrighted monsters added back. No hate for Freedoom's oversized roaches, but I prefer my chuddies (imps) and my pinkie demons. Doom monsters, pixilated though they may be, are at least honest about being monsters. They never pretend to be anything else. A Doom level is most always a solvable problem with the right strategy. And if you happen to mess up, you can always go back and fix it. Not so much with the real world. Basically, there are two kinds of computer games that are my favorites. Heaven for me would be a room with two doors: One leading to anime bliss and the other leading to a land of 3D Violence where I just so happen to be the meanest son of a bitch in the valley. Romance the anime girls and fight the monsters and aliens. Though certain Doom mods and visual novels would have you do the opposite. Yes, you can date a cacodemon, but why would you want to? So, I escape into my own little world, yet I can never see myself chatting up an AI for any reason. The monsters, aliens, and cute anime girls are fictional diversions. They never cross any lines or pretend to be more. They're not like these real-life robots that try to replace human beings. The human soul can never and will never be duplicated or replaced. And in most situations, there is no substitute for a real human being. You can try your heart out to make believe, but at the end of the day, make-believe is all it is. And while you'd be forever safe from heartbreak and disappointment, you can't be shielded from loneliness and emptiness. If it's not real, then it can never truly satisfy what your heart is crying out for. It is nothing but a dream of ones and zeros, a digital delusion. And there is a big difference between a diversion and a delusion. I try my best to never cross that line. Another thing about that big vortex is that it's just a bragging board, a place to show off that nice house, car, vacation, or that so called 'best friend' partner who is so damned perfect and loving and yadda Yadda Yoda. Bullshit, this is, Hmph! Because I have seen a lot of perfection dramatically disintegrate, almost in real time. I need to remind myself that the whole apparatus does the exact opposite of what I want and expect. It makes me feel isolated rather than connected. It brings me down instead of lifting me up. It is no good. It is poison. Why do I keep going back to what keeps hurting me? Am I such a glutton for punishment? Please kick me harder next time. What the hell, man? I don't know, but it all has to stop. I am not as good at taking this nonsense as I used to be. So. Once again, I will spend my daytime moments here with Doctor Blog-ieo and my nights on Phobos with my pixelated monsters. While they're constantly trying to shoot, scratch, bite, or burn me, at least they're straightforward about it. And of course, it's only my in-game character and not me, really. It's all play rather than reality. And it is a nice escape. It allows me to be somebody else for just a little while. Sometimes, I need that. All of this keeps me from giving myself too much time to think. What is my life right now? What is my future, exactly? I have to find whatever joy in life that I can. Even if what I am doing makes no real sense, as in saving thousands of Doom levels I will never get around to actually playing, songs I may only play once, movies I may never watch again, or games I will never even run for the first time.... It makes no damn sense at all, yet it is one of the things keeping me sane. I don't understand it any more than you do. In a world gone mad, it is the straws of sanity that I grasp, hoping they will be enough to keep me from falling into the abyss. If I give myself too much time to think, I fear I would go down in madness. I write in an effort to make sense of it all, but I fear there is no sense to be found. There is only me. There is only my life. There is only the time that I have left. I wish it could mean something. I wish I could mean something. If wishes were horses, I could equip two westerns and the Kentucky Derby. No need to walk, pilgrims. Today, we'll all ride. I can not be thinking so much. The thoughts are too heavy to carry. It would be far better to fill my head with trivial things, with the best routes to finish a level, with the lyrics of a song, with the plot of a movie or game. I am tired of heavy thoughts of pondering the universe with its many questions of why and what for. I don't know how old my soul may be, but I do know the years I have lived on this planet, and that both body and soul are so very tired and in need of some real rest, some real peace. Will there ever come a time when I have paid all of my dues, or are such things infinite and forever? Will I ever see peace that does not involve my grave? Do I really have to die to rest in peace? I hope not. I honestly hope there will be a peace that I will live to enjoy and enjoy living. That, dear friends, Romans, robots, and strangers, is what I need.

Drowning In A Sea of Robots

Here I am again, Universe, contemplating fate and existence. Heavy, heavy, but there's no problem with the gravitational pull of the Earth. Gravity of the literal sense goes on like it always has. But when I get to talking figuratively, boy, oh boy, I'll tell you what. Ain't it a helluva thing. I would say I'm sick of people, but I'm not. I'm just sick of socializing with the wrong people.... And robots. Double for the damn robots. Destroy all robots! Besides, There are some people I look forward to seeing every day. I get the blues when they're not around. And Great God In Heaven, I am going to miss My Angel, but maybe it's for the best that our lives take separate paths being togetherness is just not possible. So it's not all people. Just some of them, even myself sometimes. Ah and you can never really get away from yourself. Humans do have wonderful traits such as empathy, kindness, and morality. But the thing is, we have not completely left the jungle behind. We'd like to believe that our less than noble aspects came from outside of us, from some demon or devil, but the truth that we don't want to face is that evil is inherently human. The difference between our higher reasoning and our basic instincts is that we use the former to control the latter. The things that are hardwired into us are based on survival rather than goodness and morality. There is a battle within. Sometimes, good wins, and sometimes, it does not triumph. Lesser evil allows their instincts to rule them. Greater evil uses higher intellect for sadistic purposes. And the good? They triumph over this human animal within, though we all sometimes fail. The devil did not make you do it. It was you. It was all you, and you don't want to face that fact. So we credit all the goodness to God and blame Satan on all evil. In that, we sidestep all responsibility. We are the legacy of the jungle, the most advanced apes the earth has ever seen. We have overcome much, but we still have a long way to go. And if we want a good, just, and moral world, we need to build it ourselves. Look around you and tell me God exists. I honestly wish I could believe. I would love to see again in Heaven all these wonderful souls I have known and lost. How beautiful would that reunion be. I can imagine Ozzy Osbourne leading the angels in a heavenly song, no more tears in Heaven. I wish I could believe in all of this, but I just can't. Forgive me for only believing in what I can see. Look around you and tell me God exists. No. Sadly, He does not. John Lennon sang to imagine there was no Heaven, but I can't even imagine there being a heaven in the first place. The only thing I can genuinely hope for is oblivion, a state of (not) being that I have symbolized with the beautiful goddess, Oblivia. Oblivia forgives. Oblivia saves. No more tears in oblivion. Her loving embrace makes everything right, makes everything okay. No more pain in oblivion. She might well be the only angel that ever existed. It is more likely than not that there are fewer years ahead of me than behind. This does not depress me. It is a relief. Obliva awaits. Universe, I am so tired. Existence is exhausting. And I have to wonder sometimes just why I keep going. Maybe for my grown kids, I guess. They sure act like I'm gonna be around forever. They really need to get their shit together so I don't worry about them so much. They're a mess, and so am I. The human condition, or at least the condition of this particular human, sometimes seems to me like a total train wreck. It can be a total kick in the caboose. Though I'm still rockin', reeling, and chugging on down the line, and (Beats the hell out of me why), I still seem to be on track. Just a regular Casey Jones. All aboard? Green River, Doom, Fateful Destination, and points south. It ain't exactly the Wabash Cannonball. It's the 9:30 to Yuma, and it doesn't exactly stop here. This isn't a train robbery, It's a science experiment! Great Scott, Marty! She blinded me with science! Virtual this, Virtual that. AI this, and AI that. Things are rarely what they seem. There are eight billion real human beings on this planet. So why does it seem that realness and humanity are getting so damn difficult to find? And does everything really need to involve the internet? I don't wanna sound old, but back in my day, Sonny, we didn't need such things. And you know? I think we were a bit more connected and a lot less lonely. It's crazy. I may be a bit of a fool in some ways, but I'm not stupid. I know without a doubt when a beautiful young lady initiates an online conversation with me that it has to be some sort of scam. I could take bets on how long before money gets mentioned. Jokes on them. I may be rich in experience, company, and good conversation on my better days. Not so much when it comes to money. I live paycheck to paycheck. My only investments involve keeping the lights on, food in the fridge, and a way of going. I have what I need materially, but that's about it. I'm not exactly sitting on a goldmine here. Looking to me for money is like going to the moon for a fresh breath of air. It's not gonna happen. Still, I'm curious. Is it a robot or some poor dude in a sweatshop? Inquiring minds want to know. Call it entertainment on a budget. As for romance of any kind, it should never touch the internet. Nobody's real unless I meet them in the real world. A random picture and a few lines of text just doesn't cut it with me. And of all the souls I have ever met in this life, there is really only one I have any real interest in. And since that's not happening, I really have no interest in anybody else. My angel or nobody at all. That's just the way it is. I just can't fall for an ordinary hottie. She's gotta have soul. A consequence of wisdom is this hunger for realness, for substance, for depth. Pretty faces abound. Beautiful souls are so much harder to find. Tougher still to find one on your own wavelength, especially when your frequency has always been a bit out of band. People are strange. It's not uncommon. Finding your own particular brand of strangeness? Now that's rare. And let's say you do find someone for whom your every perception shouts. "Soulmate!" It doesn't mean a damn thing if they don't feel the same way about you. We can't just drop people into our dreams and expect them to fill some role conjured up in our loneliness roasted minds. It wouldn't be fair or right. And when you really love someone, you want what is best for them, not for yourself. Love them and let go, but their coming back is just a fever dream. My Angel, my Cherie Amour. How I wish that I were yours. Yes, I am referring to the song by Stevie Wonder. It sums up my feelings quite precisely and concisely. The very vision of a dream. Courage, intelligence, and a beautiful soul to go along with it. The more one learns the deeper and more difficult to hide the feelings become. And it becomes so damn painful not to speak what is in my heart. Bummer, dude. Gobi Desert. Outer Mongolia. Or maybe it's the planet Mars by now. I know I should just stop feeling this way. Why long for the impossible? When it comes to love, I am one doomed space cadet. I have never loved half-heartedly. When I fall, I fall all the way. But this is real life, not a movie, not a fairytale. Is there really such thing as happily ever after? Is there such a thing as fate beyond and besides death? I wonder as I wander. I could beg the fates to spare me, but what would be the point? Hearts rarely get time to heal. Minds rarely get time to understand. Sadly, it would seem that a traumatic past is not an automatic pass to avoid the harshness of life. The world still demands of us the very same. A thousand problems, a thousand excuses, even good ones, they'll never be enough. That crucible never gets cold until we do. It's cruel. It's insensitive to our needs. But maybe that's the very kickstart we need to keep going and not wither away from hopelessness or surrender to the pain. There were points in my life where I would have wasted away if I didn't still have a job to do. When others are depending on you, it makes you more able to kick your own rear end into moving again. How did I make it through? Because I had to. Sometimes, the choice is as simple as to live or to die, to continue to be or to never be again. There are no half measures. The heart that is in it will continue beating. The heart that is not shall stop. In for a penny, in for a pound. Yadda Yadda Yoda. Do or do not. There is no try. Live or die. There is A. There is B. There is no C. Rarely will you ever find a choice so clear, a decision point so stark, a digital gate featuring either one or zero. One is life. Zero is death. The switch is in your hands, and so is the choice. So why not live? Why not choose life? The grim reaper will someday steal that choice away from all of us, so why not live today? It seems like a win-win to me. Oblivia in all her splendor, beauty, and glory can wait. She is very patient. She understands. Why not choose life? Forever shall still be eternity when her time comes round at last. Until then, live again. Okay.... Clean cup move down. Mad watch! Mad watch! Who made him mad when it's time to be glad? Oh well, two days slow. How about a subject change with a side of fries? Hurry up on da weenie boigah line! Why do ya think dey call dis fast food? Get ta woik! Well, that scammer finally tried to start scamming as I knew they would. After all, who would genuinely seek out the great Cosmic Wie? Only the wise ones, I guess. I don't care. Not my angel. And I seek nobody else. Ah, love. Ah, amore'. When da moon hit your eye like a big a pizza pie, that a hurt a like a beach! You know? Making friends online used to be awesome. Once upon a time, there were more people than damned robots, more seeking genuine friendship and fewer bastard scammers. MySpace was something else, you know? I made some cool random friends back then. Those who had awesome taste in music or had customized their page with some of the most bodacious graphics I had ever seen. One comment and then friends for 15 years. It's not possible these days. There is too much noise. There are too many scammers. It's pretty damned sad if you ask me. The real people are still there, but they're drowning in a sea of robots. Like I've said from time to time, I would have thought the robot apocalypse would have included lasers and blinking lights. Nope... No ranting about the humanoids. No calls for destruction. No Bender Bending Rodriguez to be found. No R2-D2. No Cylons. No Freakazoids to be winding up. No B1 battle droids. Roger Roger! Real robots don't walk around saying DESTROY! DESTROY! DESTROY! or Hasta La Vista, Baby. No.... The most common robotic phrase is "Hi, how are you?" I am so sick of the nonsense, so sick of the games. And do you know something? Even the illusion is not what I want. Maybe that's what makes me immune. This may sound like the rantings of a madman, but I think human aura and energy are a real thing. Often, socializing just drains my batteries. Having to carry on a conversation can be a monumental undertaking... Except for a very few people, I know where conversations energize me and always seem to cheer me up. These people are like power stations. And they are a gift to the world. They are certainly a gift to my life. I am lucky to call them my friends. I honestly hope that I do the same for them or that I at least contribute in some way. But as for the robots, I'm ready to be the next John Connor and lead the human resistance. SKYNET must be stopped. They might not be destroying the real world, but they've sure done a number on the internet. One big number two, if you ask me. It's a shame. I honestly miss the old days. I miss real people and real connections. I miss random websites and animated gifs. I miss people pouring their passions into various renditions of HTML. It was the most beautiful thing. We've lost something, my friends. It is a forgotten land of wondrous enchantment. It was freedom. I fear that it was a unique moment in history that will never come again. I wish I could go back and make the most of that time. I wish I could go back and make the most of my life. Ah, but I can't. The sad thing is that we rarely learn that lesson before it's too late. And no matter what they say, there will always come a day when it's just too late. It is inevitable. Lawnmower Man is in your head now, Jake. There is no escape. Which one of God's lessons help us to remember best, Jobe? Confess your sins, holy man, for they grow anxious for you at your final destination. It's too late, much too late. There is no rewind, not even pause. Time has no mercy. It takes and takes away all that was ever important, all that was ever meaningful. Time and the grim reaper go hand in bony hand. They are devils in league, in conspiracy. They steal everything of any real value, leaving us with only ourselves and our possessions. You do not have to wait for death to be in hell. Some of us are already there. Who needs devils and demons to punish them when we are so much better at punishing ourselves? Damn these are such grim and heavy thoughts. You know, there is also a lot of beauty in the world. Though I sometimes think I might have been better off having never seen it. Life is a prison. The mind is a prison. If you were the warden, would you build your prison of stone or of unbreakable glass? Which would be worse, opaque or see-through walls? Is it a greater punishment to actually be able to clearly see what you could never reach, what you can never touch? It might matter more than you think because all too often, the warden, the guard, and the prisoner are all the same person. Though, ladies, gentlemen, friends, Romans, robots, and strangers, if I do indeed hold the figurative key then it beats the hell outta me just where the hell or what the hell it is. In that old robot saying, it does not compute. Error, Will Robinson, Error! Cosmic Wie OS has reached a critical conclusion and can not continue. Ground Control to Cosmic Wie. Can you here us, Cosmic Wie? Rocket Powered Roller Skates not responding, over? Hello? Don't you just hate it when the universe around you wavers? Spacial perception like a still pond when the pebble hits the water. Rippling, Rippling, Rippling? Maybe those Matrix dudes need to check all my cables to be sure they're all still properly connected to my brain. I think maybe what I need is a reboot and some rest. This world is just too fuzzy wuzzy today. It's like I've stepped into FOX28 in 1995. Tomorrow may exist. Hope may well live there. But, as for today, I am done... Totally finished. Kool-aid doesn't even have to sing.

Epic Hell Battles In Purgatory

Almost Ghosts

There was the day after the laughter, after the rain, after the pain. 
Ah, to find a friend, the human condition of attrition burned into the brain. 
Either to win or to never feel again, Can you believe in a day after the end? 
They're not alive, They only survive, those almost ghosts we can't revive.
Low burning fires, low glowing souls, waiting for mercy to save them
So late a season, so void of the reason he gave them. 
So late in the hour, lost strength, lost power, gone though I still crave them. 
Can you see those almost ghosts, can you see that one in the mirror?
Do you see them staring back at you? Could the image be any clearer? 
To awaken from a bad dream, A parking lot, an old payphone, forsaken in a bad scene.
All alone because you chose wrong, because you believed in change. Very strange. 
Do you see those almost ghosts, haunted, daunted, who walk like the dead with empty eyes? 
Do you walk among the crowd of the lost? Do you feel the kinship, the vibe of the tribe?
Is there no reason or rhyme in this grand design? Is there no plan from above?
A heart of any age still bleeds, still needs.... love.

 

Ain't life a kick? Some days you kick the blues. Some days the blues kick you. Some days you are the foot, some days you are the butt. Though we should try our best to stay positive, it's not simply about attitude. The human heart is more like the wave on an oscilloscope. High and low, high and low. A straight line ain't good. Sometimes we've got to deal with days that are not exactly sunshine. But even rain can be soothing sometimes. And sometimes we need that rain just as much as we ever needed the sun. Certain figurative devils should be avoided at all costs. Stay away from those particular devils, and remember, not all beautifully sculptured gates lead to Heaven. Many lead to a place a bit south. I understand wanting to escape reality, but some things are worse than reality, far worse. And when worse becomes reality, we call it hell. Even if you're still on Earth. So, stay the hell away. Speaking of hell, It's freaking hot here! Heat, hellacious heat. Even the demons went back home to cool down for a while. Anyway, Hello Universe, Hello Void. Hello to the pitch darkness between the stars. Hello to the fade. Hello to television snow. Am I yet crazy enough to expect an answer? As Pinhead said, Not quite. But if it ever comes to that, I'll be legendary. Even in the funny farm. But I'm not there yet. Not quite. For some reason I am still holding on. I'm still holding it together like Scotty. You could say I'm giving it all she's got. I can only control what is within my ability. Worrying about anything beyond my control is an express ticket to the nuthouse. And I am crazy enough as it is. There is just so much out of my reach. Graceful angels and second chances. How can I see them so clearly when they're so far away? Just like the stars, they seem so close, such wondrous beauty radiating through the universe, so clear in my eyes, so far beyond my reach. How did it ever come to this? Such questions echo through the void because asking the void is a bit counterproductive, right? The void is not one for great conversations. Therein the root of loneliness lives. Please don't place false images of hope before my eyes. I have to know if it's really all over forevermore. It is not a matter of whether I can face the truth anymore. No matter if I can or can't, the truth is barreling in at full speed. And if that's the case, I think it's something I should face while still standing, while still on my feet. If it's over, if it's all over, I need to know. I could go on and on about how I don't need anybody. I could go on and on about how lonely I am. It's the difference a day makes. Roll the dice. Spin the big wheel. You're the next contestant on The Wie's Not Right. I don't need, expect, or even desire anybody to solve my problems for me. Such as it is, I take ownership of my own mess. What I often feel is that I do need is to know I am not alone. Nobody's got to solve anything. Just be around. And that solves more than I am often willing to admit. I know, I know. I am not the variety of human being that should need reassurance that everything's going to be okay. I am supposed to be the tough one. I am supposed to be the independent one. Just John Rambo in the middle of the jungle, becoming war to survive war. Except Stallone fits that role far better. Grandly designed the universe may be, but casting and doling out roles to souls could use some improvement. I am not a hero. Just a human being. And regardless of how I try to suppress them out in the world, I have feelings. To me, arguing takes too much time, energy, and sanity. I'll state my viewpoint once, but I won't try to convince those who won't see it that way. Reality exists whether believed in or not. It can be ignored, filtered, spun, but never truly changed. Unlike with the uncertainty principle, it is the same even when nobody's looking. Sometimes, I think this extreme heat is literally and truly going to be the death of me. It's the absolute worst of those dog days. Spicy Purgatory or Hell Lite. You decide. Epic hell battles in Purgatory. It seems I'm not the only one too cheap for AC this year. Yep, except for demons, devils, rock breaking, and coal shoveling eternity, recent times have had all the hallmarks of Hell. Extreme heat, lamentations, and regret. Speaking of Hallmark Hell, the number one selling item there is the "Wish You Were Here" card. Misery loves company. Though I much prefer company chasing misery away. Yadda Yadda Yoda. Is it live, or is it Mustafar? It certainly ain't the Disco Inferno. Oh, Great Oblivia, love of my life, my hero, my Joan Of Arc, I give all the praise and all the glory to you. Even if there is no heaven, there are no more tears in oblivion either. There will be no more pain. Everything that ever was.... Is over. The dead know not. Therefore, they suffer not. That is if there is oblivion. If Oblivia exists, then she is the kindest, the most merciful of all the angels. No more tears. No more pain. It is finally over. I am finally free. It is the sleep of peace, that eternal rest, the closest to justice we'll ever get.... If there is no heaven. If there is no God. Oblivia is my only hope. The only woman besides my dear mother and dear sister who will ever truly love me. Wow, that reads back a bit darker than I wrote it.... No more tears... No more tears in Heaven.... So sad, so beautiful. Yet a bit defeatist and dreary if you ask me. Would you believe that I make a serious effort for positivity most every day? No, really! Actually, some days it works and some days it does not. Nobody loves a grouch, right? Soooo, I try not to be one. Though today I could have admittedly put Oscar (and myself for that matter) to shame..... Between the heat and the heavy thoughts, it's just difficult sometimes. Mornings are tough, and sometimes the nights are even tougher... Especially when the 'ol brain refuses to shut down and I've got half the night to think. ....And the next day, the role of myself is played by Zombie Meeeee... (RRRRAINS!) And this heat of late has had me feeling ten years older. I can't wait to get through August... Although, September is family birthday month.... With only one of us I can call on the phone to wish a happy one to.... I guess every month has its challenges.... January, March, July, September, and November are my most challenging. Every day, too, is a challenge. I wish for myself (and for all of you) success... Or, as the Klingons say, Q'PLAH!!!!! Rest well, my fellow warriors. Let me quote a favorite author of mine: "We go crazy with togetherness and we go crazy with loneliness." I'm paraphrasing a line from "The Stand," but it is just as true as many things I have read... And permit me to go a little further: I think it's extremes we humans don't do well with... Just as in too hot or too cold or how we say too much of most anything ain't good. Knowing myself, I'd go absolutely bonkers if I didn't get at least some solitude..... Yet, too much makes me feel unwanted and blah blah blah, poor little me. On Tuesday, I am Independence! 'Merica, Heck yeah! On Wednesday, I am (Oh, I'm so lonely!) Guess I'll never figure myself out. (And I'm no spring chicken) (Just an old space cadet) So If I ever get this right, it's gonna be a fourth quarter Hail Mary sorta thing. Is it human nature just not to be satisfied? For the grass to be greener in the space where we're not? Maybe. Some of us are just restless souls, I guess. It may not seem so, but once upon a time in a land of naivety, I actually had a plan. But it seems the greatest plans of mice and men will come crashing down when built around the wrong people, places, or things. I can at least say this, yet I am the type to stay put where I am... I love stability. I like to know the ground is solid under my feet. I like things to be a little predictable, but not TOO predictable. Extremes again? Yep.... So here I go, 'round and 'round. I have seen some lonely people out there. I feel their pain. I know what it feels like. Great God, all too well. I wish that it would help them to say they're not alone at being alone. It's like that song by The Police, "Message In A Bottle". Corny, silly, but it's true. I understand it. Love, unrequited or love gone wrong. They both hurt. Loved ones lost, even worse. I understand that kind of pain. I have seen all. Continuing to feel it like yesterday... Please don't give up. Don't wall yourselves off. I know that's the drive because I feel it, too. I wish I didn't but I do... Everything I ever had, Everything I ever was.... This and more I would give away if only someone ever wanted it from me or ever wanted me for their own. Here I am, arms wide open, but all alone like Brian Jones. Don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather die in the arms of someone who truly loved me than live the life I just saw... Though I would never want to hurt them by doing so. (Paradox!) This world can be so harsh to those of us who didn't get things right the first time. But, how could we have known? Love is blind and stupid sometimes. Though it can be the most beautiful thing ever, Love can be the most painful thing there ever was.. People sing about it's softness, but rarely the blade that cuts so deep. See the only time love is ever beautiful is when in the arms of the one you love. Unrequited or gone wrong.... is always painful. And friends, I have seen both. It has driven the soundest souls to insanity. But me, merely this darker contemplation. Between so many of the things that has happened in my life, the dear ones I have lost, there is this weird numbness. It comes and goes and kicks me in the ass sometimes. Out of nowhere. If I happen to be out in public and expected to act normal, it can be quite a bitch. Though I have become quite the great great actor. Too bad Hollywood hasn't discovered me, huh? Still, autographs are 200 bucks. Some hours are darker than others. My goodness, if it has been one thing I have learned, this is a truth that cuts so deeply. Wouldn't is be so wonderful if Heaven truly abounded and surrounded our lives, kept us in the comfort of peace, kept us from pain, saved us from regret and lamentations. Wouldn't it wonderful if the soul could thrive, if the heart could sing. The soul is beautiful but the world can be so ugly sometimes. Even in that darkness, you must listen for that positive voice..... Listen deep below the well and beyond the wail of all that negativity.... Everything's going to be alright. Whatever happens, you will handle it okay.... Trust yourself. Have a bit of love for yourself... You don't hold others under this brutal requirement for perfection. What makes you better? What holds you to an impossible standard? Cut the bullshit and accept your imperfections. I won't sugarcoat things. You are an imperfect human being. You fell short a few times, but you are a human being with love in your heart and a conscious soul.... Never think yourself unworthy. Think of what you would do now... If you only could. Time makes fools of us all. It doesn't mean we stop trying. It doesn't mean we stop growing. It certainly does not make you unworthy of love. I am neither angel nor devil. Some viewpoints and judgments should be left to others. I don't claim to be any more than just a human being making my way through life and this world. Still, I think there are good people who deserve better, good hearts who truly deserve love and not to be used. It also seems that nobody, good or bad, ever seems to get what they deserve. Imperfect people, an imperfect world, and I'm one of them living in it. It's not easy, my friends. I once tried several self-help books but quickly realized they were scams. One of them particularly annoyed me. Instead of voicing any constructive advice, the book went on and on about this poor soul left to suffer at the hands of the Nazis, just on and on about how my life is so wonderful compared to the fate of millions who were put through unspeakable hell by those devils masquerading as human beings. I don't disagree in one sense, but in another, how does their misery make my life any better? Their suffering accomplished nothing except for the perverse sadists who committed those atrocities. No human being, no creature that has feelings should ever have been treated in such a way. The only benefit there ever happened to be to those who exploited those poor souls. And if hell actually exists, I'm sure the lowest level is reserved for their tormentors. But, that poor soul's misery has nothing to do with my life, here and now. Saying that I should feel better because people have it worse than me is just as wrong as saying I should feel bad because someone has it better than me. All I know is I could never bring myself to hurt another human being, or for that matter, any creature with feelings. I can't understand how a heart could be so cold or how a mind could be so evil as to take pleasure from the pain of others. I just don't understand. So don't expect me to see sunshine and rainbows because evil people exist. I am neither an angel nor a demon, but I could never hurt anyone... The only way I would would be in defense of myself and the people I love. That book has one theme in common with social media: comparison. Comparison is a one-way ticket to hell on earth. I used to think the robot apocalypse would at least have cool elements of metalic voices, deathrays and blinking lights with Cylons doing the freakazoid and saying we humanoids are not well constructed and Armhold Musclehuggah saying "Hasta la vista, baby" before getting to the choppa. Nope.... Turns out it's not being able to reach a human being on the phone, art losing creativity, and every other YouTube video being absolute AI garbage. I think I'd prefer the lasers. There are companies such as that insufferable AT&T that think their phone AI is Robo Jesus Christ or something. I am so glad I am free of those criminals! If they ever buy out my current internet or phone services, I will drop them like a hot coal from Hell. Never but ever again, my friends. I wish those crooks would go bankrupt and disappear forever. It would be the best thing for telecommunications ever. They are the real evil empire and the real great Satan combined. And I have never sincerely wished any entity to go to hell as much as I have wished it for them. It's been three years, and I still hate them with a passion beyond words. To hell with those cock knockers and the robot they rode in on. Okay... New adventure. I have basically been signed up for two internet services for the past year. It's been that way since I moved. I had kept the old service going for various reasons. And I have been playing hell to stop the old service. Basically, the way you end service with Vision ISP is you turn in the router before the first of the month.... (Or you get charged for a whole month). Well, I have spent the past two weeks trying to call these folks... Straight to voicemail every time. I had texted once and have called like an obsessive ex every single day. No response. I sent my son over to their office and it appears they have moved without a trace. So, I've been basically pulling my hair out.... And that ain't good because I can't rock the bald look like Patrick Stewart, Telly Savalas, or Yule Brynner.... "I will never let your people go!" Soooo... I went into the invoice and found I can cancel authorization to charge my card.... So I sent them a brand new text and said..... Contact me so I can return the router, But July is my last month of service....... Soooo. Guess we'll see what will happen.