Degrees Of Magnitude

Dearest Universe, 

I come before you again to say all the things I could never speak of elsewhere. Here I will momentarily allow myself to be free of logic and just let my feelings flow. Just know that I also understand, and that I, out in the real world, keep myself within the bounds of logic. But for now, allow me to free myself for a time. This is how I am able to continue being a functional cog in society. Let me tell you about the universe, about the distant expanse. Let me tell you about beauty so far away, yet I can still see. Let me speak of my wish for Warp Factor 9. I am far from being the glamorous James Tiberius Kirk, yet it's so damn empty here in the darkness between the stars. Let me speak of the brightness of angels, how they drive the darkness away, filling the heavens with their vivid color, with their wonderful light, an unforgettable brilliance I could never purge from my mind. It can never be unseen. I can never go back to the void with any kind of contentment, for I have seen the light. And I can never again live without the warmth of that particular star, that particular angel. I have maybe seen more than I should, for I can never be happy with darkness again. I need that particular light. I can't live without it. I am so sick of this empty void. I need to get out of here! I find myself missing family, missing dear friends, missing that time when the future was both bright and ahead. They say time is a harsh teacher that gives the tests first and the lessons after. I'd add that the punishment stings far more intensely than any ruler or paddle ever did.  Wouldn't life be sweeter as a video game with save slots and maybe even a cheat code or two? Even the opportunity to rage quit and start all over would be nice. There is no rewind. Not even pause. And even pause would be nice when the world around you is changing too quickly. It's like we get thrown on the treadmill and we never get told it's about to happen. We must hit the ground running, but we're never told when we're about to get kicked out of the truck. Life is a heluva thing, I'll tell ya whut. One hell of a fun-house ride. It's another early morning. My mind is in a haze, and my eyes are all funny. I can't seem to remember just why I'm bothering. It would seem the lenses I have put on today are anything but rose colored or cherry red. Today I am wearing the shades of deep dark blue. Yet, in the midst of all this darkness is the brightest light. My angel in baby blue is always a wonderful sight to behold. Of all people on Earth, she can make me smile when I would otherwise rather not, but such visions also give me my own set of blues. My special friend, my beautiful friend, why do I catch myself and have to stop myself from placing my whole world on you? That's not very fair to you, is it? Maybe it's the action of a drowning man reaching out, needing rescue... Ah, but this burden is not yours to carry, my dear. It's mine alone. It is the sentence I must serve and the price I must pay. But I am tired, so very tired. What will it be like, I wonder, when it's all over for me? Will it be the peace of oblivion, the pain of judgment, or will I just be restarting this whole damn clown show? What will it be? My honest hope is that there is no loop, that there is no reset. Why? Because I am tired. Let me rest in peace. A loop is pointless and useless if I can't take these hard lessons into the next one. Oh, Angel, my dearest beloved Angel. How I wish you loved me too. As It is, I still have Oblivia. She's patiently waiting for me, and I grow anxious to join her where she is. If I can't have love, then give me the peace of oblivion, forever and ever amen. Don't get me wrong, my friend. The S-word ain't my thing. I do not wish for the end of life. I wish for the end of pain. One grows weary after hurting for decades on end. I see a touch of sunshine, and I wish to wrap myself in such warmth like a blanket.... And sleep, sleep, and sleep. Truly loving means letting go, and I am trying, but it's not so easy, and I am not so sure I can. Oh, universe, in all infinity, I am only asking for one thing. Why can it not be granted to me? I promise never to ask for anything more. Why did I have to see with my own fading eyes that beautiful spark, this glimmer just out of reach, what might have been? I see it fading into the distance along with all my hopes and dreams. Why have I been cursed with these feelings? It's like flying high on a plane you know is going down in flames. There is no parachute. There is no escape. The pilot is as mad as a hatter. All I can do is helplessly watch as the ground races towards me. Everything seems to be in slow motion. It is an ending that lacks the mercy of quickness. There is no suspense, only dread, for I already know. This is not going to be pretty. I am on a collision course with the reinforced concrete wall of reality. I am on a tightrope ride without a net. How does one fall in slow motion at breakneck speed? I don't know, but hold my beer and watch this. Oblivia, save me. Is there any point in this suffering? Who does it benefit aside from the sadistic ones who take pleasure in watching from afar? Why, why, why, in all the vastness of everything can't I have just a little love? Am I really undeserving? I am perfectly willing to give tenfold back, all my affection, all of my possessions, everything... To only one... And I can't help that it's only one I would lower my defenses for. There was an apocalypse of sorts. It happened long ago, and the aftermath remains. You did not hear the crashes and explosions. You did not see the flames or the devastation from horizon to horizon. It was only my world that ended while the world of others went on as it always had. I thought I stood on solid unwavering ground, but it was quicksand. I never thought I would see such cruelty from someone I once loved with all my heart. Betrayal never comes from an enemy. Enemies are at least honest with being against you. Betrayal only comes from those you thought you could trust with your vulnerabilities. That particular knife never comes at you from the front. Only from the back, always from the back. Never in my life had I felt so unloved, so unwanted. My kids were too young to understand, but not even I understood. I had the support of a very few people. My mother and father, my sisters, were so steadfast in their support, and I'm not sure I would have survived all the turmoil without them. Plus, my kids needed me. Yet, now, save for my one remaining sister, I am having to survive without my parents, without Marsha. I have spent a good part of these last two decades rebuilding my life.... Their help was essential, even when they were just being a listening ear for my whining... Now, they're gone. I feel adrift. I find myself needing something or someone to anchor me in place. I have found out in not the easiest way that you lose another part of your own soul when you lose someone you love. You begin to wonder if you even know yourself anymore. I find myself biting my tongue to keep from begging certain people to stay, to please not leave me too. I am running low on the people I love. They're getting fewer and fewer and fewer.. It's like Abraham, Martin, and John, but it's Marsha, Momma, and Dad. Am I such a baby for wanting someone to hold my hand? Well, I'm sorry for not being the super macho hombre I am expected to be. Everybody needs love. I certainly do. It's a very human need. And I have to admit that I do get jealous seeing what I would treasure until the being wasted where it is not appreciated. I know life was never supposed to be fair, but does it have to be so damn blatantly opposite? How about sending her to me? I would leave no need unfulfilled. I would be everything I could be and more. For certain souls, I'd climb mountains and swim rivers. I'd do most anything. I'd give most everything. When I love it is no half measure. Like Scotty, I give it everything I've got. Call it an attribute. Call it a fault. I can not help this depth of feeling. Believe me, I have tried, because for so long and for so many times I have realized that maybe I'd be better off with no feelings at all. I do not willingly follow my heart. The damn thing just carjacks my brain and speeds towards emotional uncertainty. Yeah, maybe I would be better off as a cold robotic being devoid of emotion, devoid of empathy, incapable of love. Because love, especially when unrequited, hurts. I can't think of anything that has hurt me more than my love for others. People will leave, often unwillingly as my dear parents and my baby sister. Sometimes willingly like my ex. Pain comes in many flavors, I guess, all cutting deeply, all leaving wounds.. Though Marsha, eight years my junior when she was only 40, has cut even deeper. In the circle of life, no matter how painful, it is expected to outlive your parents. And the ex? Getting over her took years, but realized how horribly I had been treated kinda helped me fall out of love. The illusion I had of my 'loving wife' shattered because at the end of the day was just that: an illusion. But my baby sister was real and a wonderful person. As was my mother, as was my father. Baby sisters are not supposed to die before their big brothers do. It was supposed to be me, and it was supposed to be after we were all older than the golden girls. We were supposed to be the troublemakers of the old folks' home. It was against all nature and the circle of life that she's gone, and I'm still here. It's not right, and it will never be right. Not now. Not ever. You will never convince me otherwise. This is bullshit. She should be alive. I had never before realized how grief can be a physical illness. There have been times when it hurt and times I had to cry, but never before in my life had I taken to my bed for days, too weak to do anything.. It was like coming down with the flu. I had never fallen so ill from what started off as pure emotion. But yeah, in case you've haven't experienced that yet, it's true. Grief can literally make you physically ill. Mental health should be treated like physical health. Each affects the other. A broken heart is no joke. I had always heard about it, but I never realized it could be so intense. It was like I had been knocked to my knees. Even with my lack of religion, I was blaming God, fate, and myself. It was literally a hell of a low point in my life. It made my divorce seem like just a bad day. Most everything in life is by degree, you know. You think you know pain, and you find you never knew anything at all. A hot summer day is not like a fire, much less the sun. An afternoon thunderstorm is not a hurricane, and nothing compared to the winds of Neptune. Ice is cold, but absolute zero would shatter you. Degree, degree, degree, most everything is by degree. It takes one hell of a shock to the system to realize just how mild everything else can be. I thought I knew, but I didn't know. I wish there were a way I could tell others so that they might prepare themselves. But there is no way to be prepared. All I can say is you're going to need some people who love you close by. Maybe that's what scares me about my future. I do not fear death as far as my own. I have been hurt more by being left behind when it has taken my beloved family. It can't hurt me if I am no longer around to grieve. What I do fear is that I keep losing people. The people who truly love me keep leaving me. It's frightening to think of. I hope and pray to the universe that at least the circle of life will get itself back in order and play fair. I know I've gone on and on about this, but I grow weary of losing the people I love. And I am so tired of letting go. Moving on is the biggest cosmic joke ever. How can I when so much is missing? Is that why I have grown so illogically attached to a certain someone? Maybe. I'm not a head doctor. I would be curious to know. When lost in darkness long enough, one tends to be drawn to the brightest light in the room. That's my angel... Sadly, not precisely mine... Ah, but I wish... Quid pro quo, the genie said.... No bringing people back. No making someone love me back, no matter how I myself love them. I might as well throw that lamp back into the cave of wonders. What use do I have for it? All I ever wanted can be summed up into two wishes, not allowed. It all boils down to heart starving for a bit of love. The ones who loved me are gone. The one I love can't return my love. And it's not any of their faults. It's mine. I am acting like an irrational fool, and I know it. Why can't I stop? Why won't I stop? Even a blind man can see this leads to nowhere but heartbreak city. How can I be so freaking dumb? I just don't get it. I can't change these feelings. They won't go away. All aboard the heart train. I am your conductor, Wile E Coyote, Super Genius. (whistle blows) Hmm, I like the way that rolls out. Anyway, next stop, Green River, Silver Springs, and a cliff. Be sure to pick up your free sign if you wish to hold one up on your way down. Oh, our engineer is Casey Jones, by the way. Heard of him, have you? Look, Universe I'm trying, I really am. But it seems my edges are fraying and it's getting harder and harder to keep it together. What more do you want from me? What more could I possibly be? I have never claimed to be more that the creature I am. I have needs and I am going hungry. As for what I want, it's not much. It would take only a reflection of my own feelings to make me smile, to make my days brighter. How could I make you understand? What must I do? What fire do you wish me to walk through? If it would bring to me that which I need, I promise I would. What's a fire next this time that I burn in? Would it outshine the suffering of the rising sun? Tell me. I really need to know. Oh, Angel, what am I to do? How can I be enough? How can I be more? For you, I wish to be everything. Sadly, I can only be myself, this creature, this human being. You could ask me for the moon and stars, and I'd spend a lifetime wishing I could steal them from the sky. Sadly, celestial grand larceny has never been my skill-set. No grand gestures, no main events, nothing that casts a light beyond this being. What would I not give for a glimmer of light, to be lost in those dark eyes, to be in Heaven yet feel more alive than ever? And what a vision it is. I only wish it were real. Sadly, we can't just drop a beautiful soul into our dreams and expect them to assume the form of an illusion. They have their own dreams. If we love them, we want their dreams to come true. We want to see them happy, to see their glowing expression, their radiant smile, even if those dreams never included us. We love them, so we set them free.... Even if a world without them is our own prison. It's a hard old world. Lots of love that might as well be addressed to the dead letter office, that fabled place for all letters with nowhere left to go. This is proof the universe could have never divinely made. For if it had, we would always have someone to come home to. No god of compassion would leave a human heart adrift, lost and alone. A god of love would never abandon the lonely. This is by far the lesser of the reasons this universe was not grandly designed. All the suffering and death out there is far greater evidence as to this all being the chaos of random chance. Not every soul gets a soulmate. Even sometimes when they find someone they can't help but fall in love with, such feelings are not always mutual. Grandly designed, indeed. If I needed to be punished, this would be the most effective. Still, it's kind of pointless when I'm never told exactly what I did wrong. Dearest Angel, how might I prove myself worthy of your love? Is there anything I could do that would make everything right? I am listening. I am listening. Show me the way. Please show me the way. My time grows short and I don't know how much longer I have. No matter the quantity, it would be a million times more valuable if it were time spent with you. I wish it could be so, but it's like the genie's quid pro quo.... We can't make others love us too. We can't bring back the ones we've lost. We can't conjure out of nothing fantasies or delusions. Across the great expanse of this universe, I can see all I could have ever wanted. I just can't reach it. I just can't touch it. Again, there is the argument against a grandly designed universe. Any god with even a token love in his heart wouldn't leave so many of us in this darkness, would not abandon us in this emptiness. A loving almighty god would not be so cruel. This can only be the work of random chance. And random chance? That's a devil all its own. I wonder about this fade to black that I will soon fall into when I turn out the lights and get under the fan. If it goes like it always has, I will awake again in a few hours, groggily facing the world again. I know it's going to be especially deep tonight, and for once I welcome the darkness, this deep comatose sleep. I need a reboot to my brain, and a restart for my heart. I need to get my head a bit straighter and a lot more logical. I don't even know if it's possible. I only know I've got to try. I can't even say which I fear less. Oblivia's loving embrace compels me more and more each day. Why should I fear her? My true Joan Of Arc? To become her possession would mean no more pain, no more regrets, no more wishing for what I could never possess. Why should I be afraid? Yet, I weigh it against the hope of each new day. I weigh it against the belief that nothing is ever really over.... Until it is. I would like to believe that a new chapter is just a few paragraphs away. I would like to hope there is a reason to keep on fighting. I would indeed like to hope that could be something to continue for.