Cosmic Wie And The Terrestrial Madhouse

Hello, Universe. Hello from Asylum Earth: The largest, and most splendidly expansive nuthouse this side of Alpha Centari. And, just like in Wonderland, we're all mad here, even those who would deny it because they can't see the madness in their own method. All I know is that with mirrors, I know a mad hatter when I see one. Might I interest you in a cup of tea? Straight jackets are on the left, Napoleon hats are on the right... And if you want a room with a view, just ask. Enjoy your stay. Just press the button for the men in the white coats with the good drugs. And above all, remember that all of this is just a bit of self therapy under the guise of the good Doctor Blog-ieo. What happens in the madhouse stays in the madhouse. Let us begin now. Damn, I'm not on drugs, but I sure feel like I am. It's a fuzzy wuzzy trippy zippy world out there today. I don't think I'm anywhere near Fred Roger's neighborhood. Damn, I missed the freaking trolley! So much for my feeling special today. The center may be holding just fine. The only problem is that I don't know where said center is or where exactly I am either. In fact, there are times when I wonder: Who am I? Ever ask that question? There have been so many times I had thought I knew, thought I had finally discovered just who I was. Then I changed. As Morrison sang, I'm a changeling, see me change. Maybe it was a matter of being who I needed to be at the time. I can't describe how dire and dreary things got for a while. I needed a little brightness, a little cheerfulness, and a goal. And if I explained it exactly, you would think me to be mad. But, still, it is how I survived. All I know is that for the longest time, it was my only source of happiness and hope. It got me through a lot of bleak mornings. Maybe it was never a matter of to be or not to be. Maybe is was the all important decision of what to show and what to hide. Because I am still that same soul. And maybe I wanted to see that inside glimmer reflected just a bit in the mirror. But maybe I took it a bit too far? Not really at the time. But I have since made a pragmatic compromise with reality. Maybe in another universe, I could truly be, but here in the only world I know, I have a role to play. And the show must go on. But wow. Looking back is like seeing someone else that is also me. I will not disown them. However, moving forward, I must focus on the role. Like The Rock said, know your role. And maybe this time I can better fit the role I once wished I could have rejected. Because, this time, I am actually choosing the role as something that must be seen through until the end. I could say that extreme gravity threw me out of orbit for a while. That would be quite apt. And maybe, too, that a passing star, like a guiding angel changed my course once again.... And although that guidance never lasted as long as I wanted it to, inertia did the rest. And now, like Armhold Musclehuggah, I am back. I know there is no real way to make anyone understand. Just know there will always be much more to me than what you see, so much more beneath the surface. I am not an avatar. I am not a persona. I am heart, mind, body, and soul. Not everything about me is well known or easily understood. I disavow nothing. I disown nothing. I can never rebuke what saved my life. Now, however, the time has come to put away the past. Putting away does not mean throwing away, for it is still me. I will not allow any aspect of my true self to be discarded. Still, I must move forward and mentally rebuild this self identity. After all, knowing who you are is a very important step in any worthwhile endeavor. Gotta know your role. Okay, clean cup move down. My sleep has been heavy and so have been my dreams. That subconscious screenwriter has been working overtime. I think he wants to be the next Wes Craven. Heavy, heavy, man. The cast has been a mix of those still here and those who are not. And... I have slept... Alot. I thought that three hour knockout session yesterday afternoon would have kept me awake last night. But, nope... I passed right out again... It might have been nice without the nightmares. Ah, but we can't have everything we want, can we? And despite all those proceeding hours of deep unconsciousness, I feel groggy, disconnected, out of it... Almost stoned. Waking up has been one hell of a chore and I'm not sure I'm quite there yet. My brain is slowly booting like Windows full of that crappy bloatware it comes with. No need worrying about viruses when your operating system already is one. Damn. Come on, brain... Zombie-like behavior in the workplace does not leave a good impression at all. Unless you're playing a zombie in a movie. Then you're doing great! Brains! Not because I'm hungry, but because I need a replacement for the one I've got. It's glitching this morning acting strange. And strange to me would be uber wacko to anyone else. Brains! The zombie says. More brains! What the hell, man? Am I slowly waking up or am I slowly coming back from the dead? Am I about to have a Luther Mandrake experience? I doubt it, because I still know how to be kind. I would hope it would be more like that Twilight Zone episode where that man's father figured out who he was at the end and gave him one last bit of fatherly advice... Good advice, mind you. Just hard to follow sometimes. You've been looking behind you, son. Try looking ahead. My own father would have most likely given similar advice. Quit dwelling on the past. You can't change it. You can't bring it back. It's gone like him, gone like them, all just memories. We must look ahead. It is the only direction we can go. The older I get, the less things seem to make sense. Is it about my being less in touch with reality. Or is it reality losing touch with me? So.... Either the world is slowly going mad, or it's me. Both? Yes? No? Maybe? Only an actual lunatic would totally rule out madness on their own part. So, yeah, maybe it's me. Let's explore that, shall we? Let me start with one question: How (as they tell us) does a feedback loop work? Lets say someone is drowning in their own thoughts with little to no input from others, so it just goes around and around in a spiral: is that how madness begins? Will I just become more and more chaotic with this inner storm? Will that spiral become a twister that takes me all the way to the land of Oz? Or will I have the heart, the courage, and the brains to see this through? This and more on the next Geraldo. I walked into chaos this morning. Chaos of the worst kind, brought about by the incompetence of others who are not affected by their own stupidity. Ah, but I am the one who has to deal with the messes they cause. Though how I will totally eludes me. My head is foggy. The world is fuzzy. It has not exactly been a beautiful morning. It also seems I have forgotten my medication for the last three days. Such is the fate of this human being without a spouse or a mother to nag me into doing the things I should do. My mother was particularly good at that. Too good. She drove me crazy. Still, I can see the benefit of a few reminders for such an absent-minded professor as myself. Professor Wie, great and forgetful! Didn't know I was a professor? It's true. Doctor Wie PHD. (Phony Diploma). Still, there is certain shit science can't explain. And can you hear the ghost of Billy Mays shouting, "But wait, there's more!"? Has my dearest angel left me? Was last Thursday truly the last day I will see that beautiful smile that gets these butterflies airborne? I wonder. I honestly hope not. There have been times I thought this before, only to see her again the next day. Damn it. I sure wish I could stop feeling this way. She has been such a bright spot in a lot of otherwise gloomy days. Her presence has always had a soothing effect on my soul that I can't explain. And yes, I understand this attachment is unhealthy and that it might in the long run be for the best, if this is truly the end of my seeing her most every day, but that's not going to stop it from hurting. Rational or not, my feelings exist, an emotional attachment I certainty did not plan. But it happened, almost to that very first day. These are feelings that were never going to be resolved. Still, they were kept alive every time our eyes met. I can't explain it to myself, much less to you, my dear friends, Romans, robots, and strangers. One can't logically explain what was ever logical in the first place. I love her. I can't say why, except that she's like no other human being I have ever met in my life. There is but only one. It does not matter if I was going around in circles with feelings that were never to be resolved. If she's truly gone, this is going to hurt. Quick update, not gone, Hooray! Though, I still need to get my brain straight. My feelings aren't leading me anywhere good. Damn it, Wie, what's your problem? Man, I feel like T total shit today. I am just not up to this. My heart, even without missing my angel, just isn't in it anymore. We fall asleep into our dreams into our nightmares. Sometimes, we wake up to them when the dream is so much sweeter than the reality we must face. There have been times when I honestly felt that the sweetest dream is the one we never have to wake from. Still, this being of purported steel has powered through a lot of things. I fight tooth and nail, even when I question the logic and the reasoning. I get up when the alarm sounds. I go to work, do my thing, and do my best to be a functional cog in the machinery of civilization. I go home, the day ends, I turn off the lights and I think. There's the problem. I don't make for a very good robot, do I? Still... I get kinda robotic. It's like I'm on some sort of autopilot, though I have no clue as to the flight path, whether it involves a gentle landing on some runway or one spectacular crash. Either way, keep your seat belts on and your trays in the upright position. Three days have passed, and I have hopefully reached the end of a days long chaotic whirlwind. My dear angel is still around. Thank God. Of course, despite there being nothing to it (contrary to what I'd like), that hasn't stopped all the grouches from getting jealous and mouthy about it. I wish we had something worthy of jealousy. I'd tell the whole world. But all it is is that I have a friend that I wish were more than a friend. It's not anywhere close to an enviable situation. Oh well, clean cup move down. Such is the way of the universe and that of the force. I can certainly see why the Jedi avoided attachment. Though that is another reason why I'd make a lousy Jedi. Tomorrow is my big errand day. Groceries, the bank, the gas station, and yadda yadda Yoda. I am also thinking about a bit of a side quest to visit a classmate's grave.... It's been about nineteen years since I last dropped by, and about 39 years since her untimely death at the age of 12. I remember her kindness at an age when kids were not so kind. I remember her beautiful smile. I'm not saying we were super close or anything like that, but she was never mean to me or petty like so many of us were at that age. Even as a child, I knew that was very uncommon. I don't claim to have been anything more to her than a passing acquaintance, but I remember her kindness well. I have no doubt that if Heaven is a real place, she's there, angel wings and all. Regardless of what was or was not, there still is a special place in my heart for her. So yeah... It's been almost 20 years since I've visited her grave and almost 40 since she's been gone. Did I ever tell you the story of how I found her grave by pure random chance? I was on a survey crew back in 2006 when we got this very strange job to tie the corners of all the plots in Glenwood Cemetery. Anyway, I was the instrument man and had just finished setting up when I happened to glance about 15 feet to my right and there she was... The memories that came flooding back were overwhelming. Specifically, there was this whole gym class thing where they partnered all the girls and boys up as dance partners. Yeah, it was silly square dancing, but still.... I was the nerd, but not once did she ever freak out for being partnered up with a nerdy guy like me. Even in such an awkward situation such as that, she was still kind. This is what I have never forgotten. I know I'm weird because it's not like I haven't seen more than enough loss and death in these last few years.... Still, I think of her sometimes. There is no telling what the world has lost by her not getting the chance to grow up. She was and would have been someone special. Anyway, clean cup move down. Mad watch, mad Wie! Clean cup move down by order of the king. And yes, I would absolutely love a nice cup of tea. Random thought: I'm no conspiracy theorist. I'm no ballistics expert either. Still, it sure looks to me like the JFK story does not fit the footage. Oswald was behind him, and physics does not work backward. Another random thought: A certain social media site has changed a lot. It's much harder to actually see my friend's posts. The ads are inevitable, maybe even understandable. But aside from those, I also get random videos of random women. And I'm like, "Gee, I don't know you from Eve, but you're sure pretty." Now, while I don't want to be a square complaining about this unexpected beautification of my news feed, all those pretty faces, so easy on the eyes... But... In the hopeful wisdom of middle age, I prefer substance. Actually, I have very specific preferences.... So specific that I have only met one who meets them.... Aside from the absolutely necessary mutual interest, you can't have it all, right? Oh well..... I sense a very clean cup, and it is time to move down. Again! Once again, by order of the king, since there is no queen. Bummer In Wonderland. I'm just not catching the waves today. I can't go surfing now because nobody's learning how, she just won't safari with me. Not even the sharks are out today. Merely jellyfish that sting and make you sing... What the hell am I talking about? It beats the hell outta me. Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down! Okay... New subject. I have done quite well this week, turning chaos into order. It may have seemed the entire world was working against me, but even they were not enough for my sheer will and determination, I assured my victory. Now, if I could only win in other ways. Oh, Angel? Hello, there. Calling one angel... No, not you, Gabe. Feel free to go back to what you were doing. Oh, Angel? Ground control to Angel One. Can you hear me, Angel One. Damn sunspots. Oh well. Angels, angels among us, fathers, mothers, sisters, and someone that could have been a friend... Oh and one living soul I just call one. Why? Because perhaps I am truly the crazy one after all. As I said before, only a true lunatic would rule that possibility out so quickly. However, if I am insane, with all that I have endured, I have truly earned every bit of insanity. Just call me Napoleon, if that's the case. Clean cup. Move down! Madhouse, Mad Watch, Mad time. Where were you when I made the world? God demanded. I was nowhere. I did not exist. Was I some party to some original sin? How? Again I did not exist! I did not even exist on the day I was born. It took decades for this soul to come into being, under the guidance of two wonderful people (And my own hard lessons). I am not even sure if I have been quite fully born on this late day of my life. Maybe I'm still growing. Maybe I am still being born. Either way, I am not exactly the soul I wish to be. Oh! Didn't see you drifting over there. Hello, There! I may not be Obiwan Kenobi, but, Oh it's you. Where are you and when are you, my friend? Are you here and are you now? Or are you just like me, drifting through the cosmos between ticks of the clock? Do you find yourself drifting through your past? Hello, there! Nice to meet you! (AGAIN!) Are you still asking all those same tired questions? Are we in some kind of temporal loop? Yes, I think we are. More I think I know the answer to the question. Yes, she's going to hurt you, show you pain beyond all you ever knew existed. And even then, when the people you love, one by one, leave this world when you were never ready, even that agony shall seem dull before this searing fire, even though you know they would never willingly leave you. Nothing quite brings down the knife like loving another human being. They hurt us, though they never meant to. They hurt us, even when it was never their fault. Even when they never wished us any pain. It's harsh, my friend... The universe gives no closure, no comfort... It does not ease the pain. It can not save you. Only the mercy of Oblivia can. Trust her. Love her. Wait for her. For she, too, is waiting. Patience, my Jedi friend, for some sweet day, shall we all be one with The Force, One with oblivion.... And there shall be no more pain, forever and ever, amen. Trust in Oblivia and her loving, forgiving, forgetting arms. Her final embrace pays for all, absolves all, gives us our final atonement for all sins, real or imagined.... marks the end of lamentations, self-torture, and regret... Oblivion pays for all, forgives all, absolves all... Oblivion frees. Oblivion saves. Everything ends. Even punishment should be finite. Otherwise, what would be the point of the lesson? What can never be corrected must be destroyed, not eternally tormented. I would think any being of mercy could see this simple fact. If the purpose of punishment is correction, then eternal damnation makes no sense at all. What can be reformed and redeemed must be welcomed back and forgiven once the lesson has truly been learned. What can't be corrected, what will never repent, must be wiped from existence. If I were some sort of god, this is how I would rule creation. Nothing more, nothing less. I would accept that we all make mistakes. But.... I am only a human being. I have witnessed so much tragedy I did not have the power to stop... There is a part of me that could never accept the fact that I am just a human being ever bit as vulnerable to the crashing tide as anybody else. I foolish expected better from myself. I should be able to stand tall and repel all terrible things, stand like a statue and protect the ones I love. Ah, but reality asserted itself hard. It said in a loud voice that I can never be any sort of guardian, never any sort of god. From a wall of fire came a loud voice of final judgment that told me I have no power at all. That makes me angry, yet too powerless and mortal to do anything about it. But yeah, it pisses me off. These words are the only way I could vent such frustration at such powerlessness. Nothing sucks more than having a thousand feelings with nowhere to go. Outwardly directed, they could help, they could comfort. But, When one must hold them in, they corrode the soul. They burn deeply. Excessive emotion is a lot like nuclear waste. It has to be stored properly or there's going to be problems. And this blog just happens to be an EPA (Emotional Protection Agency) approved container. Just please be careful opening it. Would the sane life I actually live out in the world surprise you? You read these ravings and you have to think this Space Cadet is madder than a hatter. And I have to agree a bit. Still, I pour it all here and nowhere else. Just like the refinery, the grounds are clean and green. The hedges are neatly trimmed. The grass is cut to regulation height. The trim is beautifully painted... Not a sign of that bubbling green stuff anywhere. Just don't be snooping out back. Oh and don't feed the glowing squirrels. They bite. But, do stroll around and get that sense of home. I try not to focus too hard on anything but today and the task at hand. All that uncertainty can be quite scary. I have heard a lot said about living in the here and now. I sense the wisdom in those words. Take care of today for you'll most likely be there to take care of tomorrow too. The forest is just too much unless you take it tree by tree by tree. I give myself this advice all the time. It's just that I am often no better than Alice at following it. I can't control everything. I shouldn't have to. Okay, Enough! Clean cup move down! This power company really pisses me off by the way. Why can't they fix a damn substation in a way where it doesn't break every few weeks. Don't thank me for my freaking patience. You can't thank me for what I am fresh out of. They suck. I'm getting quite tired of their shitty ways. I've had a long ass day and all I want to do is get under the fan. I'd run the AC too if their rates weren't so ridiculously high. You would think with all the damn money I'm forking over, they should afford to fix their own shit. Oh well. What happens on the Holodeck stays on the Holodeck, unless you count poor Reginald Barclay. He had a lot of explaining to do to Counselor Troi. But my question is how the Enterprise computer knew certain things. Exactly what kind of surveillance do they have on that ship? I guess that's what you get when the internet collects all your data. Which is also why Brent Spiner will be online forever. Speaking of that, shouldn't we own the copyright to our own image? I can see it now, "Unique, Awesome, All Rights Reserved."