Jumble Of September

 Sister, Sister, Dearest Sister. 

 One week and eight years or an eternity between us. Another birthday of mine when you couldn't call me. Another birthday of yours when I couldn't call you. Eight years and one week... Nixon for me, Reagan for you... The 70's for me, the 80's for you. And now? It's you and Momma, and Dad, too? I swear I hate this decade. The 2020's can go sit on a hot coal as far as I am concerned. That evil lowlife thief who stole you, stole them from me. Damn this decade with its pandemics and its lock-downs, with its cruel politics that pale before the even greater cruelty of war. What has this decade given but heartache, loneliness, and loss? All while the talkers of this world preach and preach in talking point gibberish. Politics overshadows humanity. Statistics eclipse lives. Can't you see, universe? Just why I feel this way? Too many lives are trivialized, and too much humanity gets reduced to just a check box on a stale sheet of paper, maybe a few numbers in a database, someone to influence, someone to convince, an email to spam, a follow-up phone number. And in the end, after all the noise, after all that posturing, what good have they really done? This is why I hate empty words, no matter whose mouths speak them.  This is why I hate politics and political speak.

 

I have not been able to get my mind together for this whole month of September, Birthdays, missing loved ones, Monster Hurricanes, and one hell of a financial crunch to boot... So, here are a few random, scattered thoughts, during the different phases of this longest short month... At least long for me. If they seem a bit disconnected, they're just being true to form. 

One Wish. I can't express how much it means to me. It has touched my heart and it was all that I needed. You thought of me and that makes me happy. I know it might seem silly, but I need that sort of thing from the people I hold so dear. I guess I have just been lonely, missing my parents, missing my baby sister. Birthdays can be so empty without the people I love. 

I might have some side work, hopefully. It seems my one job just isn't covering the bills, so I've got to do something. I could go back into surveying and make good deal more money, but it's the having to spend weeknights in some motel instead of home that I really don't want to do. A side job of some kind is the other possible answer. Fridays, weekends, maybe a night, here and there. Something. This inflation is killing me, man. 40 hours a week and I'm still falling short, every damn thing under the sun going up except my pay. I like my job, but my employer is the biggest cheapskate ever. How do they expect people to live? It's kind of hard to do the whole two income thing when there's only one of me. Not to downplay the experience of others, 'Cause I know life ain't easy for none of us... But can we st least skip the damn hurricane this year? You know, maybe give me enough time to save up to get rid of that giant tree with that long menacing limb? Yeah. That was the plan.... Not to say we're the only ones who were affected in a majorly bad way, but it seems my family's bad run of luck started with Michael back in '18 and these damned 20's sure haven't changed my point of view. How about a nice upper level wind to dissipate that storm so that nobody anywhere has to deal with this? You know it's something when a lifelong Florida dude says, "Damn." Oh well, the track of this monster has shifted east, so I think we're going to miss the worst of it, but they're closing the plant tomorrow, for the rest of the week, Tropical storm winds for my area. In a bit of a coincidence, Marsha's birthday is also tomorrow. So, guess I'll be home, watching the wind and the rain and thinking about my baby sister... Actually in a parallel universe, I would still be thinking about her. Tallahassee seems to be right in the middle. Actually, I would rather be in a universe where I had to worry, rather in this one where I don't. I guess my thoughts are weird like that. What I do have to worry is these bills and a short paycheck for this week, which sure ain't good for me. I can't afford these bills on a full week, much less a short week. And.... I still haven't heard back on the side job. Yep, these next few months are going to suck. That is, unless I can find a way to bring in more cashola. 40 hours at this cheapskate cooperation just ain't cutting the mustard. Something's gotta give, sooner or later. Deficit spending is for governments and not people. 

In a little store called Kay's Corner, back in Chipley 1.0, there was this little sign by the cash register. On the sign, there was a cartoon lady with a pitchfork, a tail, and one wicked grin. "Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite." Anyone else remember that sign? What was Chipley 1.0? I hear you asking? Very well, allow me to illuminate: Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord Of The Sith, so powerful and so wise.... Oops, wrong story. Long long ago, in a time called the 1980s, there was Chipley 1.0. There was the Dairy Dip, where my Dad took me for ice cream. Next to that was the Chipley Motel swimming pool where my mother taught me to swim. Down that street a bit was the real Chipley High School. I should know. That's where my sisters and I graduated. Marsha's being the last class to do so. I could also mention the Vance Theater, Watford Drugs, or Hay's Barber shop. Across town was Cook's Fried Chicken And Pizza, where I remember my whole family going there. Pizza Hut was actually in Harrell Square, sandwiched along with Radio Shack between the Winn Dixie and TG&Y. And if memory serves, in the earliest part of.the decade, you had to go to Marianna if you wanted McDonalds. Town absolutely ended at Harrell Square. Beyond that was woods and fields, with a house here and there. Two lane Highway 77, except for right at the interstate. No Wally World, no red lights, yadda Yoda. Oh and Harrell Square was the hangout for the high school kids. That, my friends, is what I call Chipley 1.0, gone but not forgotten.

Continued Proof I'm Not Normal

 

 

 

Dearest Friends, Romans, Robots, And Strangers.
 

I'm another year older and I guess I just wanted to say thank you. My gratitude is beyond words. Your kindness has warmed my heart. To me, there are no spare moments. We have to make the time. And for those who have made the time for me, I just could never express in mere words how deeply you have touched my heart. Let me level with you, though: It's been a while since I've actually had a happy one of these. 2022 was the first year I knew I couldn't hear from Momma and Marsha. 2023? Second time and a half-century milestone to boot. And now? Another first, the first, without either of the two wonderful people who made it possible in the first place. Their love and caring for each other, my sisters, and myself is the most genuine and true love I have ever known. The only downside of brightness, the only negativity of beauty, is the greater darkness and the deeper void, absence leaves behind. And this is why true love and friendship means so much to me. This is why I count my friends and the people I love as the most valuable aspects of my life. More valuable than any possession is a heart of gold. And some things, my friends, take a lot more than age alone to learn. Take it from somebody who knows.

I love You All

Cosmic Wie
 

Sometimes it's the person you lose. Sometimes it's the illusion. I guess I have lived long enough to have seen both happen more than once. Dear loved ones lost. Friendships and relationships that have crashed down on imperceptibly (At the time) unstable foundations. Either way, no matter which case, you've gotta be moving on just like in those lyrics of that old blues song. Well, I guess it's not exactly that easy, but we have to. I can't say which is worse because both are pretty bad, and so painful. When it is a person, you at least have others who knew them, loved them too, so you're not going through it all alone. When it is an illusion, however, you are most always on your own. I think it is almost as bad to idealize someone as it is to demonize them. Either way, you are robbing yourself of the truth. While everything (and everyone) in this world truly is what it is (are who they are), we all have the lens of our own thoughts and feelings, Rose colored glasses and shades of the deepest blue. Perception is one hell of a drug. Emotion can have you over the moon or crashing to earth. And I, The Great Cosmic Wie have been all over this galaxy in that regard. When it is the person you lose, you move on but you'll always love them. As Julian Lennon sang, Love Never Dies. When it is the illusion you lose and the smoke and mirrors fade into a complete stranger, I guess maybe you could choose to always love that part of yourself those beautiful images came from. I guess in the end, those pretty pictures had much more to do with your own heart and soul, and not the person you projected them on. No, you were not stupid or any of the hundred things you might have called yourself)... You're just human. See, we love and we dream and sometimes we get those mixed up a bit. Love can be just as insane as it is beautiful. And for cosmic adventurers like you and I, it is one powerful rocket fuel. A certain coyote would be jealous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a Roadrunner to catch. Meep! Meep! (The ACME corporation is not responsible for any antics or crashes arising from the use of their products.)
 

Ever wake up and say to yourself that you hope everyone will leave you the hell alone because you are in absolutely no mood for this shit? That's me today. They need to just not mess with me today... In addition to them shoving another's job at me that I straight up don't want, and dealing with the usual bullshit, and putting idiots in charge that don't know jack shit, I am also tired and sore from all the work I did around the house, overdid it I admit.... Wouldn't be so bad if I had some help, but such is the way of things of late. I just want them to leave me alone today. I might be more able to deal tomorrow, but not today. And just because I keep telling myself, "Don't be a drama queen," does not mean I won't put on a floor show that would impress Doctor Frankenfurther. Don't dream it, be it, baby... And I'm quite sure they don't want that. I would like to think I'm a nice person, but some folks are so annoying that they piss me off by their very existence. I know it's not a nice thing to say. So maybe I'm not so nice? But damn it, they just need to shut up, go on, and leave me alone. There is a reason I eat my lunch alone on days like this. There is a reason I take lunch when most folks don't. This goes back to primal Captain Caveman days... Don't mess with me while I'm eating. Grrrr. I just might bite. I guess there are different levels of me. I can be kind and I mostly am. It s just when I need some personal space, I can get a bit defensive. In those times, not just anyone can encroach upon that space. I need it to hold onto whatever mental health I have left. If I am to the point when I need to pick some space and some time to be by myself in silence, don't be surprised that I can be one hell of a grouch when you intrude upon that time and space. Also, there are some things I consider to be extremely personal. For example, I don't want anybody taking a dump next to me. Only one monarch should be on the throne at a time. Taking a shit is not a damn group activity. Stay the hell away from me, creapazoid!  


I basically passed out shortly after I got home yesterday, woke up at what I thought was five this morning, but it was only midnight, so I fell back asleep. Man, that was some deep heavy duty sleeping, probably just shy of a coma. Guess this body needed to heal, because the pain is mostly gone, but I am still insanely tired. Life has been rough. My birthday is coming up later this week, but I just don't see how it's going to be a happy one. The rest of 2024 is just gonna suck. Man am I dreading the holidays this year. Too many missing people, and really no center anymore. It's like if the Sun disappeared, what would we all be orbiting? Before that, there are birthdays... Nobody to call on theirs... Won't be hearing from them on mine... Maybe if the world would stop and cut me a break, but that's not happening. Speaking of which, I am thinking seriously about changing jobs. A bit more driving but a good deal more money. Friends I want to be left in peace but I don't want to be left alone. Does that make sense? 

I heard these words once in a song, "Loving you wasn't enough"... And wow, man... If I ever got a song, I totally got this one... We would like to believe that our love is a shield that keeps our dearest ones safe.. But it seems love was never a raised shield, but a lowered one where we open our hearts, open ourselves, share with those we really care about the very essence of ourselves, our very souls. But... loving them wasn't enough... I could only protect you on a superficial level. I can only protect you now in memory. I am strong, but fate was stronger.. I am fast becoming an elder, but I was a small child trying to hold back the tide. Loving you wasn't enough. And this is the prism that scatters my emotions in all directions. The sadness of loss. The happiness of memories of good times. Anger sometimes at the universe, and sometimes at myself for being a mere human. For caring is beautiful, yet caring beyond the event horizon of control can be one harsh life sentence.  Friend, forgive yourself for falling short. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for being ignorant of the future, or for learning too late. For while love can't always save, it always shines, and they knew.... THEY KNOW... That your love was and IS real and the absolute best you could give at the time. Forgive yourself, my friend. You too, are worthy of your deepest, truest love.

Amoungst The Insanity

 I have been a civilian all my life. I have never been a soldier, wouldn't know what it was like to be in a literal battle or under fire, and have nothing but respect for those who have. Still, there is a character I can identity with, and that is the one who has been "In Country" long enough to have lost that blind idealism, that belief with blinders in the narrative. They have seen too much waste in resources and souls. They have seen too many times the reward of wrongness, while the struggling and the deserving are left wanting. The faith and the vision they once had, has long faded into the darkness. They're angry. They're bitter. They've seen too many friends, too many of the people they love taken away too soon. The blind patriotic drivel has long faded. There is only the thought of survival for the rest of the tour. In a world once of winners and losers, they can only see loss. The empty words of a politician are a mockery to them. They're no longer someone who will listen to any voice or wander after any beast. They seek truth. They need love and understanding. They need realness from an honest heart. And finally, they need peace. I am tired, my friends. Simply tired. I am tired of everything going up except my pay. I am tired of losing the people I love. I am tired of never finding more love. I am tired of always being the "good friend", never more and never less. I hate that I can't be my true self. It's stifling, it's soul crushing. It's not that I want a lot. In fact, I have quite a bit to give. It's just nobody seems to want it. I am tired of having nothing to look forward to at the end of the day. I am just damn sick of everything, tired of all the bullshit and empty promises. If you've got nothing to bring to the table but stress and worry, then just leave me alone. Please pretend I never existed at all. I suppose purgatory is a step up from hell, right? You can not live well if you're constantly living to appease people. First of all, for some people, your absolute best will never be enough. Their expectations can be unrealistic, and they'll blame you for the grouch mode they're in. Common courtesy is given, but respect must be earned. Respect is not about who you are, but what you do. The minimum level is mutual respect. You can disagree, but that's no license to be an asshole. I try to treat people right, and I try to be reasonable in my interactions, But I save my efforts far beyond common courtesy for the people I love. And even then, there must be a reasonable level of respect. Life is not a misery contest. And who the hell would want to be the winner of that particular game show? Look, There are those who have it better than me. There are those who have it worse than me. How should I feel? Lucky? Blessed? Guilty? Angry? No matter how tough your life is, No matter how much you struggle, No matter how skilled you have become at doing so much on so little, If you do things right, somebody's gonna be jealous anyway. Nobody wants to be Option B. Nobody wants to be the faulty default. Nobody wants to be standing by in the darkness with arms wide open, Just waiting to catch you should you fall. Are you truly with me? Are you really here? If so, then where and why now? And how long is that gonna last when Option A, that pied of all pipers, Comes back tomorrow like the rising sun, to walk with you on bright sunny days, yet leave you lonely in the rain. And leave it to me again and again to be that shelter in stormy times. And maybe I have my own storms to take refuge from, And certainly there's nobody waiting to catch my own fall. That I am not some store brand fallback condition, That I'm here today, but I won't always be. that I should be a choice and not the absence of one, That my sun rising should not require your sun setting. Because if that's the story, then neither of us will ever be happy. What's on my mind? That is a good question. And, does anybody really want to know what is on my mind? And if so, why? Sympathy, Empathy, Comedy, Enlightenment, Entertainment or filler for the feed? Is there any particular void that needs my particular thoughts and feelings to fill? It would be wonderful to believe that them or me might well be exactly what somebody needs. But that's kinda hard for me to see. but.... Still, I might as well say my two cents... Pennies aren't so good for staying in the pockets anyway. So, here are my Gleaming Lincolns. Sadly not on wheels.... Just some zinc with an itty bitty bit of copper on 'em. Penny for your thoughts? Hell, inflation man. Gimmie a fifty. I'm doing okay. I really am. But there have been times when I was not exactly. We don't need safe spaces, only safe people who will still love us after we pour out our souls to them. We don't need a quiet room. We need a "Go Nuts Room" where we can just howl like a wolf, roar like a Klingon, scream, cry, whatever we need to do to get it all out. Then walk out and say "Oh, I'm doing just fiiiiiiiiine" when someone asks how you're doing. You know? The most often told lie is "I'm fine". The most disingenuous question? How are you. Keep on fighting the good fight, my friends. I understand more than one might realize, and if you need me, you know where I am. Seriously, If anyone actually does like to read my crazy ramblings, then you, my friend are a treasure... You are gold. Also, it is my humble belief that if you have completely put your heart out there and done your best, then if anybody has a problem, it's their problem and not yours. If they persist, then ask them just how it feels to be perfect. You can't have a double standard where you give everybody else the benefit of the doubt, yet treat yourself like crap, and kick your own ass over things that were beyond your control. That person in the mirror deserves your love and forgiveness, too. And another thing: Is it just the distorted perception of the middle aged being that I have become, Or does anybody these days actually want to speak with their own voices anymore? I swear I have seen many examples, both figurative (Parroting a politician) (And I think no matter which flavor, politics brings out the absolute worst in people) and literal (lip syncing to autotune). I think it was a better world when Ticktok was just a character in "Return To Oz". C'mon! Cat got your tongue? Say something. Let me hear the real you. You might could sing the birds down from the trees or charm the honey from the bees, but you'll never know unless you say something. 

What can I say? I knew it would be this way, but beyond once, I knew it was no good to keep saying so, because in the end it would have been disrespectful of your decision and therefore disrespectful of you. I figured saying that this would not end well, clearly and once was my first duty as your friend. My second duty was to be supportive and respectful of your choice. Still, as someone who cares for you, actually loves you, this has been very difficult for me. See, maybe this is much more than my being a friend who cares. Maybe I'm a bit on the selfish side myself, because I happen to love you even now, want you even now, know that I have a much better place for you in my life, know that I could treat you so much better, knowing I could love you so much better. The straight up truth is that I want you for myself, and I have loved you for the longest time. This distance hurts. I want you in my life. There is room in my life. There is room in my heart. There is room in my house. Come to me, my love. Come to me. These are the words I wish I could say. I love you. I want to spoil you. I want to comfort you. I want to give you everything. It is an ironic reality, you know. Treating you like a prisoner who constantly needs to be watched is not going to make anybody feel less insecure. Trust can be even more important than love. If love is the bricks, then trust is surely the mortar. Without it, all you have is a stack of bricks and the inevitable wind. I will never feel the need to watch somebody like a convict, track their every move like a lion on Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. If it's to that point, my friends, then the relationship is over. There is a difference between trust and control, and if they're not by my side of their own free will, then what would be the point? So, what more can I really say? Many things are really none of my business. I mean they could be if the circumstances were different, but sadly they are not. I wish I could be more, but as of now, I am not. Believe me I would swoop right in if I felt it was more than just my own feelings. Yes, I could most definitely be so much more if it were what you wanted. Because I totally do want this. Such is this messed up reality. This life has not exactly been ideal. If it were, then I would already be all yours. Sadly, I also know I will never be seen like that. Still, it would be breaking my heart a whole lot less if you were at least with someone who treated you like I would. My love, I would cherish you for the remaining days of my life. I'm not saying I'd be perfect, but I would make the effort to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Look, I am under no illusion that you would ever feel for me as I feel for you. But when was the last time love ran on logic? It's not like I woke up one day and chose to fall in love with you. It just sorta happened. The fact that I straight up love you will have to remain my sad secret. It's lonely over here, my love. How I wish that you loved me, too. I'd sell my soul a thousand times just to have the chance to show you what a healthy relationship is all about. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. My mind is under no illusion. My heart? It pines for you. Unrequited love is one hell of a punch in the old heart. So, Grand Admiral Thrawn-bot, what's the plan? See, no matter what you and the universe have said, it still does not appear to be working. Do you know what this means? To quote the great doctor Emmett Brown, it means that this damn thing doesn't work at all. 

Light up that screen and tell me what you see. There's nothing there. You could scroll and scroll, and all you'll find is religion, politics, and advertisements. You looked five minutes ago? There is still nothing there. People being mean and nasty over political nonsense over both varieties that do not truly care about lowly workers like us. There is nothing there. There are people trying to influence and manipulate to make you feel how they want you to feel. There is still nothing there but the vortex that is trying to pull you in. Admiral Ackbar said it best: It's a trap! You will find a thousand prayers on par with the Weimar Mark. Inflation, man, inflation. There is nothing there. Once upon a time, the substance of nothing was a dark, quiet void. Now, nothing has become loud and flashy, and tries to hold your attention, but it is still nothing. In reality, there is nothing there. It is a trick of the light of ones and zeros of sight and sound. It is hard to find realness in a place like that. They say they wish to enlighten you, but they really want to control you, to make you engage, for that vortex to pull you in. They say they bring us together, but never in our history have we been farther apart, even in the same room. Still, I treasure the friends I've made, even here. You are more than a diamond in the rough or a flash of gold in the pan. You are a single golden grain of sand in a thousand miles of beach. You are precious. You are golden. Why? Because you are real. 

Hmmmm! Saw a stupid politcal meme, I did. Yes. Stupid it was because used a picture of Yoda they did, yet used not his speech pattern, Hmmmp!! If once you start down the stupid path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will. Just like those political airheads.

 <(- _ -)>

Old World New World - Changes

Morning Universe. Hello, there. GENERAL KENOBI! Are we a bold enough one to face this day? How goeth things? Are these really the Droids we're looking for? Roger Roger? I guess I gotta do what I got to do, though my heart isn't in it. C'mon, grown man britches and game face. Hut hut hike? I guess I need to at least try. No sense surrendering when the battle has just begun. 

Today would have been my father's 76th birthday. To say he was a good man is to really understate the obvious. He was the greatest. I could have not asked for A better Dad. He always had my back, in good times and bad. You're heavy on my mind, Dad. I miss you more than I could ever express with these words. 

I know it's a silly thing to compare to, But I think of what Commander Riker must have felt like in "The Best Of Both Worlds Part 2." Be it the Enterprise D or my house, I feel as Riker did. I can take over for him, but I can never replace my father, nor would I ever try. I just don't feel adequate to fill those shoes. In my opinion, he was a far better man than I could ever be. Though, I try, I do try. It is one of the few ways to bring him the honor that he deserves. Okay... I better change the subject. Okay... New subject, Clean Cup Move Down. 

I just realized that my phone playlist has the following songs in this order:

Low Rider by War

Magic Bus by The Who

Magic Carpet Ride By Steppenwolf

Major Tom Coming Home

So, I start out on my low rider, then I take the magic bus to a magic carpet ride, and find myself in a low rider flying saucer from East Outer Space, Just like Eddie Torres, ET (And read this in Cheech Marin voice) "Just a love machine and I don't work for nobody but you" Dave's not here, man. As for yours truly, I am indeed here. I would guess that's a good thing. I'm trying to get motivated and get my brain on straight. Just a thought that I have every now and again, But it's so true. If you have the know how, you can fix up an old house, a classic car, or (In my case) an old computer. You can take what is broken and you can fix it with some effort. This is not the case with people, save ourselves. Double meaning intended. You might could be there for them, Be a presence, have an understanding ear to listen, But that is really all you can do. The rest is and always will be up to them. You might can encourage them, cheer them on to be the best that they can be, But you also must accept them as they are now, flaws and all. We humans make very poor fixer uppers. It's tough enough to work on ourselves. I'm not looking to fix anyone. I am not expecting anyone to fix me. Still... I wouldn't mind the presence of another human being in the repair shop as I continue my lifelong work on myself. I guess I can dream, can't I? Sometimes I feel I need this more than ever. Sometimes I feel that I have way too much to deal with as it is. It sure gets lonely sometimes. It's good to have the support and compassion from kind and caring hearts in difficult and trying times. But there is that inevitable time when everybody has to go back to whatever they were doing, when everyone has to go back home, so to speak. Then there's life to deal with. Relentless life, Relentless bills, a multitude of things to deal with. It probably helps to have someone by your side in times like these. It can be done alone. I know that well. People will praise you for your strength, for you choosing to be strong and face the multitude. But really, what other choice do we have? Curl into a ball and cry? Well, I suppose even crying does not take away strength when you find a quiet corner to vent for a while and get back up to fight another day. The funeral is only the beginning. I know because I have attended way too many since 2022. I only thought I knew what it was to be lonely. There is a new level when you're running out of the people who love you. Friday would have been my father's 76th birthday. Please give him a thought. September is here again. I'm not sure how to feel about this month anymore. It's quite the beautiful day outside, the type of day that might be enjoyable if I can just get my mind together and chase away these blues. (Not in the Eric Clapton way) At least the telemarketers, the spammers, and Verizon trying to sell me a new phone that I don't want, are good enough at blowing up my phone with calls, notifications, and text messages.... Otherwise, I would have to wonder why I have a phone at all. Remember people: There's more good to life than what consistently eludes us. We've got to find a reason to smile, a reason why we don't roll back over and fall back asleep. (Oh, though, that sounds so nice) September is here. This is birthday month for my father, my grandparents, my sisters, and I. So if I seem weird over these next few weeks (more so than I already am), well, what can I say? And if I lived in a vacuum and this was all I had to deal with, maybe it would be simple. But it's not, you see. There's finances, there is the future, there is this effort to learn to let go of impossibilities, and the even greater challenge of figuring out just what I want for the back half of this life, which is a smaller question (If a question at all) than where, how, and why to get it, achieve it, yadda yadda Yoda. But, I'm okay. (Or I will be okay) That is what I tell myself anyway. The best way through uncertainty is to trust yourself to do the absolute best you can. Financially, I will take care of each bill, one at a time, balancing it down to the penny. They'll get it when they get it, unless they wanna drop by for a Hulkamania Challenge! "From Northwest Florida, weighing in at (I'm not tellin ya) It's The Jonathanman (tm)" Otherwise, I plan to get up, out and about each day with a plan to do what I can, to rock and roll, to go, go, and go. Hopefully, to be busy is to not be lonely. Hopefully, to carry on carrying out the wishes of my loved ones is to not feel they're completely gone. Yep, I'm most likely gonna be weird, but hopefully lovably so. Some days are harmony harmony harmony. Some days are homina homina homina. Either way, either day, we still gotta keep on rockin and try to be smartah den da average bear. Wayda godere Ralphy boy. I know what's real at the very core of my being. And I know about precipices, edges, of tightrope walks, and the choices we have to make, not as to the way things are, but of the limitations of reality and practicality of letting a truth be a truth. You know? I was indeed on that edge not so long ago. I can't expect everyone to understand. I can't blame anyone if they can't, don't, or won't. Still, while they might have seen through me, they have never seen all around me. And there are things one either knows or they don't. As a line from The Stand that the great Stephen King wrote, It stops being funny when it starts being you. And nobody wants to be a clown. Maybe an awesome offbeat comedian, but never a clown, never a fool. Therefore, I have decided to embrace my role, and I fit the mold as best I can. But I am at my core, the same human being I always was. So, if you don't understand, let's treat it like Fight Club and not talk about it. I guess the good news is I am finally starting to get over certain feelings. It don't take very many pages ago to know how smitten I was with a certain someone. I still care about her, of course, but I don't think I should keep hurting myself or going down what I know is a road that leads nowhere. The time has come for my Mr Spock to be in charge. We must resolve to be logical. So be it. If I were Kirk, then it's time to find a new planet. The honeys aren't quite swooning here. Beam me up, Scotty. Sulu, set a course for The Planet Of The Babes and engage at maximum warp! I've never been a Wall Street tycoon or anything like that. The only time I had any money tied up in the market was a 401k that got evaporated in my divorce 15 years ago. But... I've been thinking... (It's dangerous to think these days) That choosing investments in this life sometimes doesn't always have anything to do with money. and sometimes it's not so much loss we hedge against, but hurt. Money can be regained after being lost with enough determination and enough grit. Not so much for that part of ourselves that we put out there. Placing your trust in another human being can be the most beautiful and the most scary thing all at the same time. A bad experience in that regard is a tough thing to get past. And you can't go blaming a whole group of people because you had a bad experience with one. Not everybody's the same, you know? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. But I think that never having in the first place is a far worse fate. To invest or not to invest. The only way I like gambling or games is when we all win, when we all gain, when we can both find what we need and be what they need. You know? a win-win. Is it really a rule that someone always has to lose? If so, then so much for the grand design. I have serious doubts that a world where human beings are hungry, hurting, suffering, dying, and even lost and lonely could ever be a part of some god's plan. If so, then he's an asshole. He's that king living high and well on that mountaintop, while the people in the valley suffer, whether they bow down to him or not. He's like those rich folks from the Gilded Age... He's the Monopoly Man plus hair and a beard, with Boardwalk and Park Place, and all the railroads, but only the peasants can be criticized, only the lowly go to jail. I don't mean to sound bitter, because really I'm not. It's just after enough decades, I pretty much know what this world is and what it isn't. Random chance and probability have a lot more sway. We don't get to choose the circumstances of our birth or whether to be born at all. I got lucky that I was born to loving parents who wanted me. I would pick the same mother and father that I got. I would never change them. I am a one in a million. I am a roll of the dice with thousands of sides. When the wheel stopped spinning, the world got me. There's nothing bad about that, I suppose. Maybe I wish the dice fell slightly different. Not a lot. Just a little. Nothing that would make me not me. Just a little bit more me. Like maybe skip this tendency for anxiety. Didn't need that. It's not their fault, but yeah. Let's skip the turbo nerves. Also, let's make the CPU a little more powerful and maybe match the chassis a little better? Or (even better) flip the equation? Yeah. Make it happen. Such as I, this actor in this role. I am so ready to take five. I'll be in my trailer. Okay I admit it: I am in a dreadful mood today, and yes I also have a bad attitude today. Today I need my space. Life of late has been crushing my soul. I've been living like the federal government, deficit spending, debt rising. I'm still grieving three fifths of the immediate family I grew up with. My son's pet rabbit was killed by varmints last night. People are giving me hell at work and outside of work. I feel like I might go totally Nutso the Clown... If so people might ask what the hell is wrong with me. What the hell, indeed. Grief is weird, man. It has a way of rearranging the ol brain, and dropkicking the heart at random times. If my bad Sigmund Freud imitation could describe my state of late, he vould zay I'm Phacked up in za head. Also, A very interesting caze. Well, I'm working tomorrow. Really it's not a bad thing. The Great Cosmic Wie is in some serious need of buckazoids. Those bills have been horrendous, as scary as those Aliens, and about the same tummy ache. Secondly, I really need to spend Dad's birthday with as little time to think as possible. I miss that man more than I can express. This is going to be one hell of a September, emotionally and financially. Oh is my bill ready to be viewed? What a coincidence. Your 'Go Flark Yourself' is ready to be heard. You know, this might sound crazy as all get out, but all the ads everywhere are even more annoying than usual. I'm like leave me alone, I'm broke! I'm barely making it! These are not the damn Droids you're looking for, mofos! Coming to me with dollar signs dancing in your brain is a lot like going to Pluto for a warm summer breeze. As the Big Bopper once sang, "I ain't got no money, honey! Leave my broke ass alone. Maybe my patience has worn almost as thin as my nerves have of late. If patience is the Jedi way, I will make a most triumphant Sith Lord. I find their lack of tactfulness disturbing. You have mailed me for the last time. Return To Sender. How ya like dat? I got your extended warranty right here, pal. Sponsor this, buddy.