Morning Universe. Hello, there. GENERAL KENOBI! Are we a bold enough one to face this day? How goeth things? Are these really the Droids we're looking for? Roger Roger? I guess I gotta do what I got to do, though my heart isn't in it. C'mon, grown man britches and game face. Hut hut hike? I guess I need to at least try. No sense surrendering when the battle has just begun.
Today would have been my father's 76th birthday. To say he was a good man is to really understate the obvious. He was the greatest. I could have not asked for A better Dad. He always had my back, in good times and bad. You're heavy on my mind, Dad. I miss you more than I could ever express with these words.
I know it's a silly thing to compare to, But I think of what Commander Riker must have felt like in "The Best Of Both Worlds Part 2." Be it the Enterprise D or my house, I feel as Riker did. I can take over for him, but I can never replace my father, nor would I ever try. I just don't feel adequate to fill those shoes. In my opinion, he was a far better man than I could ever be. Though, I try, I do try. It is one of the few ways to bring him the honor that he deserves. Okay... I better change the subject. Okay... New subject, Clean Cup Move Down.
I just realized that my phone playlist has the following songs in this order:
Low Rider by War
Magic Bus by The Who
Magic Carpet Ride By Steppenwolf
Major Tom Coming Home
So, I start out on my low rider, then I take the magic bus to a magic carpet ride, and find myself in a low rider flying saucer from East Outer Space, Just like Eddie Torres, ET (And read this in Cheech Marin voice) "Just a love machine and I don't work for nobody but you" Dave's not here, man. As for yours truly, I am indeed here. I would guess that's a good thing. I'm trying to get motivated and get my brain on straight. Just a thought that I have every now and again, But it's so true. If you have the know how, you can fix up an old house, a classic car, or (In my case) an old computer. You can take what is broken and you can fix it with some effort. This is not the case with people, save ourselves. Double meaning intended. You might could be there for them, Be a presence, have an understanding ear to listen, But that is really all you can do. The rest is and always will be up to them. You might can encourage them, cheer them on to be the best that they can be, But you also must accept them as they are now, flaws and all. We humans make very poor fixer uppers. It's tough enough to work on ourselves. I'm not looking to fix anyone. I am not expecting anyone to fix me. Still... I wouldn't mind the presence of another human being in the repair shop as I continue my lifelong work on myself. I guess I can dream, can't I? Sometimes I feel I need this more than ever. Sometimes I feel that I have way too much to deal with as it is. It sure gets lonely sometimes. It's good to have the support and compassion from kind and caring hearts in difficult and trying times. But there is that inevitable time when everybody has to go back to whatever they were doing, when everyone has to go back home, so to speak. Then there's life to deal with. Relentless life, Relentless bills, a multitude of things to deal with. It probably helps to have someone by your side in times like these. It can be done alone. I know that well. People will praise you for your strength, for you choosing to be strong and face the multitude. But really, what other choice do we have? Curl into a ball and cry? Well, I suppose even crying does not take away strength when you find a quiet corner to vent for a while and get back up to fight another day. The funeral is only the beginning. I know because I have attended way too many since 2022. I only thought I knew what it was to be lonely. There is a new level when you're running out of the people who love you. Friday would have been my father's 76th birthday. Please give him a thought. September is here again. I'm not sure how to feel about this month anymore. It's quite the beautiful day outside, the type of day that might be enjoyable if I can just get my mind together and chase away these blues. (Not in the Eric Clapton way) At least the telemarketers, the spammers, and Verizon trying to sell me a new phone that I don't want, are good enough at blowing up my phone with calls, notifications, and text messages.... Otherwise, I would have to wonder why I have a phone at all. Remember people: There's more good to life than what consistently eludes us. We've got to find a reason to smile, a reason why we don't roll back over and fall back asleep. (Oh, though, that sounds so nice) September is here. This is birthday month for my father, my grandparents, my sisters, and I. So if I seem weird over these next few weeks (more so than I already am), well, what can I say? And if I lived in a vacuum and this was all I had to deal with, maybe it would be simple. But it's not, you see. There's finances, there is the future, there is this effort to learn to let go of impossibilities, and the even greater challenge of figuring out just what I want for the back half of this life, which is a smaller question (If a question at all) than where, how, and why to get it, achieve it, yadda yadda Yoda. But, I'm okay. (Or I will be okay) That is what I tell myself anyway. The best way through uncertainty is to trust yourself to do the absolute best you can. Financially, I will take care of each bill, one at a time, balancing it down to the penny. They'll get it when they get it, unless they wanna drop by for a Hulkamania Challenge! "From Northwest Florida, weighing in at (I'm not tellin ya) It's The Jonathanman (tm)" Otherwise, I plan to get up, out and about each day with a plan to do what I can, to rock and roll, to go, go, and go. Hopefully, to be busy is to not be lonely. Hopefully, to carry on carrying out the wishes of my loved ones is to not feel they're completely gone. Yep, I'm most likely gonna be weird, but hopefully lovably so. Some days are harmony harmony harmony. Some days are homina homina homina. Either way, either day, we still gotta keep on rockin and try to be smartah den da average bear. Wayda godere Ralphy boy. I know what's real at the very core of my being. And I know about precipices, edges, of tightrope walks, and the choices we have to make, not as to the way things are, but of the limitations of reality and practicality of letting a truth be a truth. You know? I was indeed on that edge not so long ago. I can't expect everyone to understand. I can't blame anyone if they can't, don't, or won't. Still, while they might have seen through me, they have never seen all around me. And there are things one either knows or they don't. As a line from The Stand that the great Stephen King wrote, It stops being funny when it starts being you. And nobody wants to be a clown. Maybe an awesome offbeat comedian, but never a clown, never a fool. Therefore, I have decided to embrace my role, and I fit the mold as best I can. But I am at my core, the same human being I always was. So, if you don't understand, let's treat it like Fight Club and not talk about it. I guess the good news is I am finally starting to get over certain feelings. It don't take very many pages ago to know how smitten I was with a certain someone. I still care about her, of course, but I don't think I should keep hurting myself or going down what I know is a road that leads nowhere. The time has come for my Mr Spock to be in charge. We must resolve to be logical. So be it. If I were Kirk, then it's time to find a new planet. The honeys aren't quite swooning here. Beam me up, Scotty. Sulu, set a course for The Planet Of The Babes and engage at maximum warp! I've never been a Wall Street tycoon or anything like that. The only time I had any money tied up in the market was a 401k that got evaporated in my divorce 15 years ago. But... I've been thinking... (It's dangerous to think these days) That choosing investments in this life sometimes doesn't always have anything to do with money. and sometimes it's not so much loss we hedge against, but hurt. Money can be regained after being lost with enough determination and enough grit. Not so much for that part of ourselves that we put out there. Placing your trust in another human being can be the most beautiful and the most scary thing all at the same time. A bad experience in that regard is a tough thing to get past. And you can't go blaming a whole group of people because you had a bad experience with one. Not everybody's the same, you know? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. But I think that never having in the first place is a far worse fate. To invest or not to invest. The only way I like gambling or games is when we all win, when we all gain, when we can both find what we need and be what they need. You know? a win-win. Is it really a rule that someone always has to lose? If so, then so much for the grand design. I have serious doubts that a world where human beings are hungry, hurting, suffering, dying, and even lost and lonely could ever be a part of some god's plan. If so, then he's an asshole. He's that king living high and well on that mountaintop, while the people in the valley suffer, whether they bow down to him or not. He's like those rich folks from the Gilded Age... He's the Monopoly Man plus hair and a beard, with Boardwalk and Park Place, and all the railroads, but only the peasants can be criticized, only the lowly go to jail. I don't mean to sound bitter, because really I'm not. It's just after enough decades, I pretty much know what this world is and what it isn't. Random chance and probability have a lot more sway. We don't get to choose the circumstances of our birth or whether to be born at all. I got lucky that I was born to loving parents who wanted me. I would pick the same mother and father that I got. I would never change them. I am a one in a million. I am a roll of the dice with thousands of sides. When the wheel stopped spinning, the world got me. There's nothing bad about that, I suppose. Maybe I wish the dice fell slightly different. Not a lot. Just a little. Nothing that would make me not me. Just a little bit more me. Like maybe skip this tendency for anxiety. Didn't need that. It's not their fault, but yeah. Let's skip the turbo nerves. Also, let's make the CPU a little more powerful and maybe match the chassis a little better? Or (even better) flip the equation? Yeah. Make it happen. Such as I, this actor in this role. I am so ready to take five. I'll be in my trailer. Okay I admit it: I am in a dreadful mood today, and yes I also have a bad attitude today. Today I need my space. Life of late has been crushing my soul. I've been living like the federal government, deficit spending, debt rising. I'm still grieving three fifths of the immediate family I grew up with. My son's pet rabbit was killed by varmints last night. People are giving me hell at work and outside of work. I feel like I might go totally Nutso the Clown... If so people might ask what the hell is wrong with me. What the hell, indeed. Grief is weird, man. It has a way of rearranging the ol brain, and dropkicking the heart at random times. If my bad Sigmund Freud imitation could describe my state of late, he vould zay I'm Phacked up in za head. Also, A very interesting caze. Well, I'm working tomorrow. Really it's not a bad thing. The Great Cosmic Wie is in some serious need of buckazoids. Those bills have been horrendous, as scary as those Aliens, and about the same tummy ache. Secondly, I really need to spend Dad's birthday with as little time to think as possible. I miss that man more than I can express. This is going to be one hell of a September, emotionally and financially. Oh is my bill ready to be viewed? What a coincidence. Your 'Go Flark Yourself' is ready to be heard. You know, this might sound crazy as all get out, but all the ads everywhere are even more annoying than usual. I'm like leave me alone, I'm broke! I'm barely making it! These are not the damn Droids you're looking for, mofos! Coming to me with dollar signs dancing in your brain is a lot like going to Pluto for a warm summer breeze. As the Big Bopper once sang, "I ain't got no money, honey! Leave my broke ass alone. Maybe my patience has worn almost as thin as my nerves have of late. If patience is the Jedi way, I will make a most triumphant Sith Lord. I find their lack of tactfulness disturbing. You have mailed me for the last time. Return To Sender. How ya like dat? I got your extended warranty right here, pal. Sponsor this, buddy.
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