I place great emphasis of the importance of the existence of the people I love. They don't have to be anything for me or for anybody else. They don't have to be anything or anyone but the wonderful souls they already are. They are not here to be some sidekick character to brighten or glorify anybody else. They have always brightened my life simply by being. To me the only darkness is their absence in this present day... No matter what it was that took them. Love has never been something I do halfway.. I do so with all I've got, and love has had its way of both healing and hurting this old heart of mine. Their brightness is soothing. Their absence is emptiness. Nobody can exactly be the center of the universe. And really, that would be far too much for my sanity, anyway. But wouldn't it be nice if our orbits brought us closer together now and then? No equal distance perfect circle, but more like a comet, going about our merry way, but coming close for a visit now and again. It's like, I thought I'd drop by, say hi, and it's off to the universe again. I gotta go now, but I'll carry you with me in my heart. Overly sweet, I admit, but a little sweetness now and then never crashed a diet, right? It's sad, though. I've been missing you ever since that sudden jolt of reality and circumstance having their way. I can feel the distance increasing, that same inertia in its relentless steadfastness, that growing entropy overtaking whatever gravity that brought us together. And I wonder whether it be a blessing or a curse that I have grown accustomed to these empty spaces in this empty place. Now, don't get me wrong, solitude has a healing quality, and silence brings clarity. Still, I miss that gentle haze, those wonderfully perfect moments that never needed anything beyond your presence. It's funny how a mere presence could change everything. It seems that the company you keep matters, even when your world comes crashing down. Sometimes, what makes a hero is the friends by their side. Sometimes, what brings courage is having someone worth fighting for. These reflections from this distance seem so much clearer. Even though I am who I am, my definition seems to come from elsewhere. And that (Along with everything else) is why this has been so tough. Oh, my love, just what do you want from me? I find myself a guardian of memory, the keeper of dreams still sleeping, of a soul still waiting. For blissful awakening or eternal darkness, I can't say which. It is only the waiting I know so well. It has been a constant companion, always with me like a shadow in the sunlight. Even as the people, places, and things have gone one by one, the shadow remains, lengthened by the lateness of the day. They say that the waiting is the hardest part, but it is all I know how to do, knowing it so well, seeing that part of myself who doesn't get the irony of thinking about the setting sun so early in the day. The morning breeze seems cool and gentle as the sunlight scatters upon the leaves and dew. The sun rises and solitude descends. All in all it is very strange to be alone. The landscape is as familiar as my own face, yet I find myself where I have never been before. There have been familiar faces in fleeting moments that I have seen with so much profound clarity. I think I could even hear them if I truly knew how to listen. But I sit here in silence, knowing I must rejoin the moment. And so, here and now, I am. Do you ever feel like the machinery of time needs a few gears replaced? Those missing teeth keep causing time to jump far ahead so unexpectedly. This is how it feels to be me these days. I'm sitting here on the front porch enjoying the breeze, the sound of the birds, and in general, this beautiful morning. Oh, speaking about that, it's story time, one of my Dad's stories he told me. Back in the 1960s, my father was a student at Lively Vo-Tech in Tallahassee, while also working the midnight shift at a gas station. Knowing this man as I do, he was always on time for both his job and his classes, except for the one time he wasn't. He had a clock radio that woke him up to go to work late at night. But one day, sleep deprived as he was, he slept through it. He woke up to the sun shining, the birds singing and "It's A Beautiful Morning", by The Rascals playing on the radio. And that's why I always think of him when I hear that song. From what he told me, the boss was very understanding and he didn't get in too much trouble. Well, I got some more things done outside. I guess this might sound crazy or you might just get it, but this has been my therapy. The memories are so strong it is kind of like time travel. I remember one time my Dad come out of the house as I was mowing and he said to me, Great job, son, but you need to take a break. Let's sit on the porch and have a beer. What a memory! Chillin' with my Dad and feeling like a man. Most of my morning has been in the backyard, cleaning up around the AC unit and back porch, and that triggered another memory, how my Dad would set up his survey instrument in a certain way and bring my sisters and I out to look up at the moon and stars, and on one really cool occasion, even the planet Venus. You know, there is no corner of this place that lacks a memory of some kind. So much of my life has been here, so much of my life has been them. They say what was meant to be will be, that even I should see. But all I see that is, is love, loss, chaos and disorder. I see the scattered ruins of worlds and the remnants of a life's work, of hopes, a dream, a picture of a goal in the shadow of limitations. I see a life of the balance of seeing reality or merely what I wish to see. I see long days of fooling myself with the best of intentions so that I can make it through to a new dawn, even half believing these things to be true. I see with all clarity the beauty beyond my reach. I know with all understanding, the hourglass of possibility, the heaviness of time, and maybe I see things far more clearly than I ever wanted to. I often long for that soft fuzzy blanket of bliss that comforting curtain only ignorance could bring. That even as I must put away all childish things to be this man I am meant to be, there is a part of me forever frozen in time, three changes in all too rapid succession, yet still here in defiance of all logic and reason, still reaching out for an illusion, knowing it will never be. The world seems quite hazy today. It also seems a bit empty and without direction, too. Hello, Universe. Can you hear me? Are you still here? Are you at least still there? Hello? I need your help, Universe Kenobi. You are my only hope. You are all I can hold onto now. Damn, I am so lonely. And this loneliness is cutting really deep right now. I need love. I so need to be held. It's the same dimension, but it seems so much more desolate. Is there anything left for me? Is there anyone? I have stood as tall as I can, but I can't say how much longer I can stand alone. I am so weary. I need refuge. I need shelter, shelter only loving arms could provide. I can't carry on like this. I have come a long way across this desert, hoping to find something, hoping to find someone, but it seems I have only found this desolate place. Instead of finding, I have lost and lost and lost. I need somebody, I can't continue on without a hand to hold. Why have you left me in this empty place beyond the void? Am I not worthy of salvage, rescue? I don't want to be alone anymore. I would sacrifice everything. All my possessions and all of myself. Nothing matters to me anymore but this, and only this. Without love, I might as well be the walking dead, for I can no longer live without it. You know? This world has three types of people: those who know me, those who don't, and those who can see all around me. And I have spent a lifetime debating whether or not this is a good thing. Out in the world, I put on my game face exterior because that's what the world expects, wants, yadda yadda Yoda, but I'm not what I seem, and I never have been. More? Maybe. Certainly no less. I guess those who know me best might word it better. Oh, Universe, why, why, why do you do me like this? These past few years have been horrendous. I have lost three of the most loved people in my life. I have also caught feelings for a woman who does not love me back, at least not in that way. Part of me says she saved me from the edge of identity, while my core being, still the same as before, morns having once been closer to my true self. Now, moving on, I've got to decide once and for all (Not who I am for I already know well) but who I should appear to be, In this role or as myself. I am still, on the inside, who I have always been and always will be. That has not changed, even as I have gotten closer to my role and farther from myself. Sometimes I feel the light of my soul has been scattered by the prism, all hues equally true, the greatest certainty of uncertainty of the Heisenberg kind, scattered across the multiverse. This is (and is not) me. You would be surprised at the seemingly contradictory truths that coexist. A little silence is good. So is a little time to think. Too much of either is not so good. One must find balance. Balance must find them. It's a weird rambling, quite typical of me, I know. But hey isn't it true? Of course it is. I wouldn't steer you wrong, would I? Well, despite this weird sleeping all Friday night and again most of the day Saturday thing, I managed to get the front and side yard mowed, continuing in my quest to bring this place into a condition my parents would have been proud of. It's a long journey that is going to take a many a weekend's effort.... But it keeps me busy and distracts me from thinking the L-word so much. I have never been the best at making friends, but I very much treasure the ones I have. Friends, Romans, robots, and strangers: Lend me your screens and let me tell you about the universe. As I have said before, the universe and Bigfoot have a lot in common: big, scary, and a bit lonely. The difference? I can see the universe everywhere I look, and even when I close my eyes. Actually, the very word means different things at different times. When I write these letters, They are not to some dying star or some planet void of life. I am speaking to a living entity, not dead but transformed. To be one with the universe is to be even more alive than before. So when I say, "Dear Universe," I am talking to somebody I love. It may sound crazy, but to me, it's no more crazy than what some folks out there preach. Look, I do my best to think this way, because these next few months are going to be a bit rough. September is birthday month for several people in my family. My father, my grandparents, my sisters, and I. On all those days but one, I'll think of how I can't call or go see them, well I do have Carol, and I will most definitely call her with birthday wishes. Then there is one day when I'll think about those who can't call or come see me. Then comes October, when my father's sister and my mother's brother, both still with us and both having a birthday on the same day. Then there's Halloween, when I plan on watching Nightmare 4, as I used to watch with Marsha way back when. Then comes November, my kid's birthdays, a defunct wedding anniversary, and of course, Thanksgiving... I'm not sure how I am going to handle holidays. I have a feeling they're going to be quite lonely in 2024, no matter if I go anywhere or not. Not only do I miss the people, but I miss feeling like I am a part of something. Home is so much more than a place. It is people separated by time. With enough determination, I could overcome a distance of a thousand miles, but never could I overcome time. And time can be a beast. Time, Time, And Time. I really like the intro to the movie "Contact" with the radio signals going back and back in time the farther from Earth they got. Although the timing wasn't exactly right. (Jupiter is only two light hours away) and frequencies below 30 megahertz rarely escape the atmosphere... Still, I liked the thought of aliens watching "I Love Lucy" and "The Honeymooners". Then I sadly read it all dissipates into background static within one Lightyear. Bummer, dude. I wonder what a wonderful difference in this world it would make if these millions of dollars raised for both flavors of political BS went to actual needs. How many hungry children could be fed? How many outrageously unaffordable medical bills that bankrupt hard working families might be forgiven? Both elephants and donkeys talk a good game about helping the people. Meanwhile, the millions still flow and said people still suffer. That's why, while I love my country, I hate this political system of big money, all talk and no action with a passion beyond words. You wanna talk about green energy? Harness all that hot air. I just wish they would either do something good for a change or shut the hell up. In my half century I have heard it all and I'm long sick of hearing it. Just shut up already. I guess the reason I am so skeptical about all this political back and forth is these last few years have brought sone heavy lessons on what really matters to me in my life. All that politicizing the pandemic by both sides did not save my sister. And all this politicizing of everything is dehumanizing for everyone, not matter what boxes you check, no matter your identity. We're all human beings trying to make it in this world, and just because someone doesn't think like you do gives you no right to be a jerk. Also I don't care which race, gender, or whatever a candidate is. I want to know who's going to make sure I can afford groceries. I'd vote for a green alien from Pluto, or Doctor Frankenfurther from the Rocky Horror Picture Show if they can make living in this country affordable on 40 hours a week. i can see it now, "How do you do I, see you've met my faithful running mate..."
Overheard On Safari
Roar. Roar, baby roar. I'm that big fearsome lion the tour guide warned you about. Ah, do settle down, dear. I won't bite. Geesh, I don't know you THAT well (yet). Although, I must say you look absolutely delicious. Well, do come on in, and do quit doddling about at the doorway. Manners, my dear, are the law of the jungle. Speaking of which, do take a look around, what do you think of my jungle? I know, I knoooooow, I've been trying to redecorate, but it is soooooo hard to get good help out this far. Well it's absolutely dreadful to cut our conversation short, but I have an appointment on the Serengeti, plus I really need to go to the maul, I'm totally not lion. Roar, baby roar.
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