Hello?
Anybody?
Can you hear me?
Hello?
Help me Universe Kenobi. You're my only hope.
Is this the waking world? Is this the spirit world? And how can we know who's waking and who's sleeping? This road has no map and this place makes no sense at all to me. Hello? Angels and demons, ghosts without reason. Are you there and do I believe in anything at all? Here I sit on a barbed wire fence, ouch! Yet I mainly dwell within the realm of science and science be praised. Great Science, Glorious Science, Science Almighty, I speak my prayer to The Universe, seeking wisdom and understanding. Also, I really need your help. I keep losing the people who truly love me. Could you maybe send me someone, another soul who could and would return my love? I seem to be some kind of a soul. Young or old, I can't say. Lost and lonely, I have no doubt. Not in the way some believers think. I am not lost to some god. I am lost because I don't know where I am, who I am or where to go. I am lost to somebody I love and could never stop loving. I am lost because my mother, my father, and my baby sister are gone. I wander and I wonder. Just a single solitary spirit. I am not legion. I am one. For they may be many, yet I am only one, for how can one be both legion and lonely? And the vast emptiness of the universe seems to be my only answer. How many times must one be born to even be alive? I can feel my heart beating like it always has. It seems that I'm alive. It still hurts to pinch my own flesh. I still seem to have a need to breathe. I still seem to have encounters with the waking world between bouts of unconsciousness. I don't seem able to fly or walk though walls. So, why do I feel like a ghost, as if I can't touch or be touched, totally intangible in almost every way? I wonder, even as I wander the earth. Are they the ghosts or am I? These are the times I wish I could feel alive, to live, to be the creature I was born to be. There's got to be more than this, more than paying bills and growing old, waiting for the end to collect its due. There's gotta be more, there's gotta be more. I stand in an empty place, I stand in silence, I stand alone. I stand before the precipice, I stand before the invisible wall. And I can still see your face when I close my eyes. I stand in isolation, I stand in the place where you were once with me. I have walked the road of loneliness, I have taken the path of emptiness, into the desert, before the wind, as if I were the last man on earth. Yet, still I stand. Lost, lost, lost... What a strange desert I find myself in, where the wind mournfully howls, and the sand cuts, burns, and stings... Apocalypse for one? One.... Yes, one... Me.. I never knew how a wasteland could be so desolate, so full of sand, yet empty otherwise. Lost, lost, lost, the valley of emptiness, the valley of death. I don't need the wrathful Lord Humongous to torture me. This pain is enough. This emptiness is enough.. Sister, dearest sister.... Mother, precious mother. Father, great father.. And friend, dear friend. Where have you gone? Where, where? And what am I to do now, for I love you all. Where am I to go now that you're all gone. I love you, Momma. I love you Dad. I love you Marsha. And I love you, my special friend. I have lost them, and now I feel I am losing you. And I just don't want you to go. Let me count the ways that I love you. Let me count the ways this is hurting me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do and I could never change it. I love you, my friend. To me, you are the only woman in this world that is real to me. I know it's only right for you to choose your own path, but it hurts so much to see you walking away. I have lost so many people that I love. I wish I didn't have to lose you too. I stand here wishing you all the happiness, all the love and belonging in the world, because you are my friend and I love you so much. I stand here in this lonely place wishing you would come back to me for the exact same reason. I'll wish you well and I'll try to be as happy for you as I can. I'll do my best to never let you see how this is killing me, to love you so much, to live in a world where I'm not yours. Hello, Universe, are you out there? Can anyone hear me? Hello? This is my most desperate hour. Help me Universe Kenobi. You're my only hope. This is the time. This is the place. This is the center of gravity. This is the dividing line. This has to be now. East or West. North or South. The time has come for the waveform to collapse, the future to reveal, and for me to decide if it's worth the fight. I am tired of questions, sick of uncertainty. I must know now what's it gonna be. What's it gonna be? There are no half decisions, no semi choices, it has to be all in or all out. There may be an infinity of parallel universes out there, but I can only live in this one. I can not sustain myself on woulda, coulda, shoulda, what if's or might have been's. It's gotta be here and it's gotta be now. I cannot live in a world of shadows and amorphous possibilities. The time for waves is over, I need photons on the paper to paint a clear picture of what is and shall be. I have spent a lifetime playing by the rules and trying to do what is right. Why can't I seek a bit of happiness? If we truly only live once then I've most likely made it past the halfway point. It's extremely likely I have fewer years ahead than those that have left me behind. Why can't I find a bit of love and belonging for this fleeting flash of a life? Surely in all of space and time there must be something left for me. If not, then the hell with it all. I'm too tired and old to be playing this stupid game. I'm not going to do this anymore, not to just pay bills, get old, and die. I am not wasting any more of this precious, finite time. I will not be a walking, working zombie. I will either have the brilliant vibrant life of a living, loving human being, or I shall have nothing at all. If I can't truly live then what good is being alive? I'm running out of the people that love me. What will there be left for me? What will there be left of me? And will this shell of my former self even give a damn? Will this ghost forget the flesh that gave it flight? I suppose that for all my knowledge to the contrary, this world will end on the same day as my world fades. It may go on, but I will never see, never know... So... From my vantage, everything ends when I do. And in that end we may find that some questions never had an answer in the first place. It would be beyond horrible to have traveled so long and so far, only to find myself the punchline of some cosmic joke to finally find I have returned to earth, only to find nothing and no one waiting for me. Death and an eternity of silence. Nothing and none other could have been so patient. That is what an ending looks like, nothing happy about it.Just to say so, writing is my very inexpensive therapy. Nickname: The good Doctor Blog-ieo. Please take what I say with a tiny grain of salt. In my writings I tend to let my heart run free of the leash of logic. Basically I go a little crazy there so I can stay sane elsewhere. Relatively speaking of course. Never was exactly normal. Still, I'm the fun type of crazy, Mad Hatter style. Not the Nutso The Clown type. (Drop by for tea sometime) (And stay away from clowns) OH, and a Very Merry Unbirthday to you!
Oh Robot Grand Admiral, You wise strategist, giver of the greatest advice for a program based on a fictional Star Wars character. You have been so right so far. First you advised me to examine my feelings over time, note how they have grown and changed. And based on your criteria, I can say that yes, I am most definitely in love and have been for a long time now. Then you also advised that love
can not be forced. You are of course right, and I would never want to anyway. So you said to be supportive. You said to be a friend, maybe looking elsewhere for meaning, and so I have. But did you, Grand Admiral Thrawn-bot in your greatest imaginings, of using art style to determine battle strategy, of always being two steps ahead of The New Republic, ever foresee THIS? And, just what in the hell am I to do, now? I guess the only thing I can truly do is express my feelings here, even if I can never ever tell her how I really feel. Thanks Mithrawnmurodow. I know you tried. Maybe I should ask Admiral Picard next time?
I know it is not possible, But still I have my dream and it seems you just may be that dream. This
longing wish just will not leave my heart, though I have tried and I continue to try. Could I ever be
over you? I wonder as I wonder. I see your face wnen I close my eyes. I dream of your smile. I relive the
very first time that I met you. I think how strange it is that you've rewired my brain and totally changed
everything in the way I see this world and these many shades of beauty. I can never again be the same. Can
you see how you have changed me by your very presence in my life. And now it seems you're leaving me. And
only now do I realize how far I have fallen for you. I promise this was not my decision. Not even I truly
understand why I feel this way. Yes, you are indeed beautiful, but surely it takes more than that, right?
Tell me, my special friend, just what is it about you? It seems you have stolen my heart and you don't
even know you did. Could you maybe please give it back now that I know the circumstance and situation? You
really don't know? And even if you did, how could I blame you? What? For being too beautiful? For being
ever so wonderful, so witty, so charming, so kind? Look, lady, you have stolen my heart and I wish I could
sentence you to life with me. (Geesh should it sound like a punishment?) Actually, this is something I wish
a wonderful person like you would want, too. Ah, curcumstance, situation! Why do I feel this way?
Admiral Picard: "NOT GOOD ENOUGH, DAMN IT, NOT GOOD ENOUGH!"
No comments:
Post a Comment