Dearest Friends, Romans, Robots, And Strangers.
I'm another year older and I guess I just wanted to say thank you. My gratitude is beyond words. Your kindness has warmed my heart. To me, there are no spare moments. We have to make the time. And for those who have made the time for me, I just could never express in mere words how deeply you have touched my heart. Let me level with you, though: It's been a while since I've actually had a happy one of these. 2022 was the first year I knew I couldn't hear from Momma and Marsha. 2023? Second time and a half-century milestone to boot. And now? Another first, the first, without either of the two wonderful people who made it possible in the first place. Their love and caring for each other, my sisters, and myself is the most genuine and true love I have ever known. The only downside of brightness, the only negativity of beauty, is the greater darkness and the deeper void, absence leaves behind. And this is why true love and friendship means so much to me. This is why I count my friends and the people I love as the most valuable aspects of my life. More valuable than any possession is a heart of gold. And some things, my friends, take a lot more than age alone to learn. Take it from somebody who knows.
I love You All
Cosmic Wie
Sometimes it's the person you lose. Sometimes it's the illusion. I guess I have lived long enough to have seen both happen more than once. Dear loved ones lost. Friendships and relationships that have crashed down on imperceptibly (At the time) unstable foundations. Either way, no matter which case, you've gotta be moving on just like in those lyrics of that old blues song. Well, I guess it's not exactly that easy, but we have to. I can't say which is worse because both are pretty bad, and so painful. When it is a person, you at least have others who knew them, loved them too, so you're not going through it all alone. When it is an illusion, however, you are most always on your own. I think it is almost as bad to idealize someone as it is to demonize them. Either way, you are robbing yourself of the truth. While everything (and everyone) in this world truly is what it is (are who they are), we all have the lens of our own thoughts and feelings, Rose colored glasses and shades of the deepest blue. Perception is one hell of a drug. Emotion can have you over the moon or crashing to earth. And I, The Great Cosmic Wie have been all over this galaxy in that regard. When it is the person you lose, you move on but you'll always love them. As Julian Lennon sang, Love Never Dies. When it is the illusion you lose and the smoke and mirrors fade into a complete stranger, I guess maybe you could choose to always love that part of yourself those beautiful images came from. I guess in the end, those pretty pictures had much more to do with your own heart and soul, and not the person you projected them on. No, you were not stupid or any of the hundred things you might have called yourself)... You're just human. See, we love and we dream and sometimes we get those mixed up a bit. Love can be just as insane as it is beautiful. And for cosmic adventurers like you and I, it is one powerful rocket fuel. A certain coyote would be jealous. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a Roadrunner to catch. Meep! Meep! (The ACME corporation is not responsible for any antics or crashes arising from the use of their products.)
Ever wake up and say to yourself that you hope everyone will leave you the hell alone because you are in absolutely no mood for this shit? That's me today. They need to just not mess with me today... In addition to them shoving another's job at me that I straight up don't want, and dealing with the usual bullshit, and putting idiots in charge that don't know jack shit, I am also tired and sore from all the work I did around the house, overdid it I admit.... Wouldn't be so bad if I had some help, but such is the way of things of late. I just want them to leave me alone today. I might be more able to deal tomorrow, but not today. And just because I keep telling myself, "Don't be a drama queen," does not mean I won't put on a floor show that would impress Doctor Frankenfurther. Don't dream it, be it, baby... And I'm quite sure they don't want that. I would like to think I'm a nice person, but some folks are so annoying that they piss me off by their very existence. I know it's not a nice thing to say. So maybe I'm not so nice? But damn it, they just need to shut up, go on, and leave me alone. There is a reason I eat my lunch alone on days like this. There is a reason I take lunch when most folks don't. This goes back to primal Captain Caveman days... Don't mess with me while I'm eating. Grrrr. I just might bite. I guess there are different levels of me. I can be kind and I mostly am. It s just when I need some personal space, I can get a bit defensive. In those times, not just anyone can encroach upon that space. I need it to hold onto whatever mental health I have left. If I am to the point when I need to pick some space and some time to be by myself in silence, don't be surprised that I can be one hell of a grouch when you intrude upon that time and space. Also, there are some things I consider to be extremely personal. For example, I don't want anybody taking a dump next to me. Only one monarch should be on the throne at a time. Taking a shit is not a damn group activity. Stay the hell away from me, creapazoid!
I basically passed out shortly after I got home yesterday, woke up at what I thought was five this morning, but it was only midnight, so I fell back asleep. Man, that was some deep heavy duty sleeping, probably just shy of a coma. Guess this body needed to heal, because the pain is mostly gone, but I am still insanely tired. Life has been rough. My birthday is coming up later this week, but I just don't see how it's going to be a happy one. The rest of 2024 is just gonna suck. Man am I dreading the holidays this year. Too many missing people, and really no center anymore. It's like if the Sun disappeared, what would we all be orbiting? Before that, there are birthdays... Nobody to call on theirs... Won't be hearing from them on mine... Maybe if the world would stop and cut me a break, but that's not happening. Speaking of which, I am thinking seriously about changing jobs. A bit more driving but a good deal more money. Friends I want to be left in peace but I don't want to be left alone. Does that make sense?
I heard these words once in a song, "Loving you wasn't enough"... And wow, man... If I ever got a song, I totally got this one... We would like to believe that our love is a shield that keeps our dearest ones safe.. But it seems love was never a raised shield, but a lowered one where we open our hearts, open ourselves, share with those we really care about the very essence of ourselves, our very souls. But... loving them wasn't enough... I could only protect you on a superficial level. I can only protect you now in memory. I am strong, but fate was stronger.. I am fast becoming an elder, but I was a small child trying to hold back the tide. Loving you wasn't enough. And this is the prism that scatters my emotions in all directions. The sadness of loss. The happiness of memories of good times. Anger sometimes at the universe, and sometimes at myself for being a mere human. For caring is beautiful, yet caring beyond the event horizon of control can be one harsh life sentence. Friend, forgive yourself for falling short. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for being ignorant of the future, or for learning too late. For while love can't always save, it always shines, and they knew.... THEY KNOW... That your love was and IS real and the absolute best you could give at the time. Forgive yourself, my friend. You too, are worthy of your deepest, truest love.
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