Freefall

 

 

 

 If I ever doubted the connection between one's mental state and their physical being, I certainly don't now. 

I have never felt anything like this. 

I've lost many loved ones over my lifetime. My Grandpa and Grandma Kent, My Granny Sasser, My Aunt Nell, Several of my friends who were very dear to my heart. But I must admit that the loss I feel for my baby sister hurts me far more than anything else in my life. I've been through a lot of tough times in my life, But this is by far the toughest. When I say this has even made me physically sick, I am not exaggerating at all. I feel ill. My stomach is in knots, I am finding it difficult to get my balance, My head is swimming, It feels like what I would imagine a bad trip on some awful drug to be like. I've been having trouble sleeping. I managed 3 hours Monday night, maybe 4 hours last night, And That's all I've had since I think, Saturday? I'm not sure. There is one hell of a fog in my head right now. I can't seem to wrap my mind around that fact that she's gone. 

We had a shared love for many things. Star Trek for one. I had recorded the entire Viewer's Choice marathon off of Fox 28. The picture was fuzzy, and as that tape wore over time, It had all the signs of an old VHS tape. She would come over and we would watch it again and again. We were both fans of the Beetlejuice cartoon, and I had yet another fuzzy Fox 28 tape full of episodes that we would watch together. We had a shared love for the Atari 2600 game 'Phoenix' and we would play it for hours while listening to the Beatles or some of the other music I had in my collection. We also both had this obsession with the Victor Newman vs Jack Abbot rivalry on "The Young And The Restless".  We weren't allowed to watch certain horror movies when we were kids. Certainly not Freddy Kruger. And for a while I only had Nightmare Part 4. That was another VHS tape we completely wore out watching over and over. We knew that movie forward and backwards. We even came up with parodies of the soundtrack. Sinead O'Connor's "Put Your Hands On Me." Became "Put Your Glove On me." and so on.  You know, As I think of this, The movie's main character, Alice Johnson reminds me of my little sister. Especially at the end of the movie where she became strong and was able to defeat Freddy. My little sister was like that. I never had a guardian quite like her. I can't tell you the many times that suddenly there she was, standing up for me. 

When she moved away, we spent a lot of time on the phone. Since she had better internet in the city, she would look up cool things online and make me disks. We'd do silly voices on tape and mail them to each other. We even came up with our own characters. One day a VHS tape arrived in the mail that had a show I had never seen before, but she told me that I would love it. It was Futurama. The first episode on the tape was not the first episode of the show, but a later one called "The Cryonic Woman" where Bender was terrorizing that poor old man in the cryogenic chamber. "Relax Chum, I'm not a giant fly. I'M A HORRIBLE ROBOT!!!!" She was right. I laughed my ass off and I have loved that show ever since.  I don't think I could watch the end of "Luck Of The Fryish" without thinking about her. My kids are all grown. So I'll never have a daughter. But, If I did, I would name her after my little sister, Just as Yancy Fry named his son after his little brother. And for the same reason. I miss her so much and I just can't even picture how I am going to get beyond this. I have been through a lot of crap in my life, But this is by far the worst. At least with those other times, I could pick up the phone, and dial her number and she would always be there to listen. I have this crazy thought I'm going to wake up from this nightmare and be able to give her a call. "Sis, I've had this horrible dream. What are your plans for the week?" And then, Driving anxiety or no, I'd hop in my car and make that 70 mile trip and maybe hang out at her apartment for a few days. We's go out to Gordo's. And she would order my favorite food for me because I was never able to pronounce it and she was spot on in her pronunciation.  Then we'd hit the second hand stores and look for cool treasure. And afterwards, Hang out at Prime Time with a big plate of nachos, My favorite drinky, the "Miami Vice" and the coolest little sister a brother could have. "You wouldn't believe this nightmare I had, Sis." "Isn't it crazy?" "Isn't it the most messed up dream in the world?"  Believe me, I'd rather Freddy Kruger show up in my nightmares, than have this nightmare of a reality. 

I miss you so much.