Hi Sis....
I guess this the so-called back to 'normal' day. Except, I sure don't feel that way. I can't understand how it can ever really be normal again. I woke up way too early this morning. I thought 'might as well get ready' and so I did. So Now I am sitting here, totally ready (in one way) but not ready at all (In many ways) to get in my car and head to my job. I know it has to be done. Still my heart is just not in it. Sis, I only thought I felt grief before in my life, but losing you has taught me that there was a level far beyond what I could have ever understood.... Until now. This is hurting no less than it did the day that I lost you. I don't see how this is ever going to fade. Maybe there is something down the road that I could possibly understand. But I just can't see it. You know, I got a bunch of 80's and 90's movies last year and I was thinking back then with some of them This would be a good one to watch with you. These fandoms and these things that I enjoy, they're so much better when they can be shared with someone who loves them just as much. There were all these things that we shared. Now, it's really just me. I don't see how it's ever going to be the same. Yet, today Am I supposed to just go on like nothing happened? If that's the case, I don't think I can. It is just not possible. I miss you so damned much.
It has been one week and one day. And here I am going through the motions of my day to day. But I just can't go on like nothing happened, like I didn't lose you. That's impossible. That would be like somebody losing a limb and walking arould like la la la, nothing's different. I simply can't do that. So, in other words, I have no idea what I am going to do. I guess the short answer is I'll do what I have to do, even if I must make myself do whatever that may be. I just don't know, Sis. I just don't know. I am not the same. I totally meant it when I said part of myself is gone. I know you would understand. That's the thing, really. There were things about me that only you knew or could possibly understand. I know that others care and mean well, but only you could truly know. You know, Similar operating systems, different computers. That was you and I.
I look out now to see that it's a sunny day, the birds are singing, and that freezing cold weather we had the day of and the day after your ceremony has gone away. The Sun shines and the birds sing. As I said earlier, It's like that old song by Herman's Hermits. As the lyrics go, Don't they know? Life goes on for the rest of us. There is no stopping this world from turning. It just goes on and on and on.
I understand this logically of course, but in a slightly different form of What Sarek said in Star Trek 3, Logic fails me where my little sister is concerned. Yes I understand, yet I don't understand. I know you would totally get what I'm saying here, but others? I just don't know. You and I were on this uniquely awesome wavelength, and now the frequency's silent except for my own voice. Just silent static, that's all that's left. I find myself going over the same words again and again, yet what are words, really? They were just confirmation, really.
Oh, I forgot to tell you about the special disk I made. I couldn't sleep at all for a while, so I started going through a lot of my old files. The first thing I found was my copy of "Our Town" In which you played Emily. I don't know if it was the exact performance I came to see, but definitely the same production. It was at TCC in Tallahassee. I haven't had the courage to re-watch it yet. Lets just say I'd have trouble seeing. All I need is my own memory of being there to know you were absolutely wonderful. Anyway I made ISO images of the DVD's, one for each act. Then l added all our old pictures. I hopefully also properly saved your Buzz and Jenna website. I promise that if Angelfire ever goes away, I'll make sure it gets hosted somewhere. And do you remember "The T Disk"? you made that for me back in the day. It had a bunch of cool stuff that we both liked. Futurama, Sargent Hartman, Mr T, and that cool Suzanne Vega parody I Dream Of Jeannie TV Land promo. Remember that? "I am sitting on the sofa, there's a TV in the corner......." Anyway, I just found everything I could and I made me a special disk. Maybe a psychologist would say I'm saving everything else because I couldn't save you. Maybe I'm crazy, but oh well if I am. Maybe because I will never forget you, I want to make sure nobody else does either. Of course there are others who like myself could never forget you, nor would they want to. I just want to make it so that even an archaeologist in 5000 years is gonna know who you are. Remember that Egyptian episode of Futurama? Except the giant statue I would build would say "Remember Her!" "Remember Her!"
Okay I'm getting silly with my allusions, but my main point is so long as I live, I am going to make sure that if even in a small way, so do you. Plus, I happen to know of several others who love you just as much as I do. You happen to be in quite a few hearts, and on quite a few minds. You went from having just one address to having many. You most certainly live here.
I love you and I always will.
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