A Few Random Thoughts

Well, Hello There, Universe. 

Universe:"General Kenobi!"

Ah, just kidding. But, still, my friends Hello Universe indeed. How are those galactic proportions getting on? I hope they're going well, at least with no more than the usual chaos, no more entropy than the usual falling apart. Maybe we can all hold it together just a little while longer, right? Let's all give it the 'ol non college try. 

I don't know what's been going on with me of late, but I have been sure having a hell of a time dragging myself out of bed in the mornings. It's for once not having been from a lack of sleep. Heck, I've been falling over like a giant redwood, sometimes even before the sun has gone down, knocked out like after a fight with Mike Tyson. Still, it's been a serious pain in the backside waking myself up. I wonder if this has anything to do with me quitting that vaping. I'm telling ya, that's poison. My breathing has been so much better with far fewer drowning on dry land experiences. Those were scary as hell. It's been about three weeks since I quit the damn Vuse Man. I've actually been doing really good with that despite several stressful events in the past couple of weeks that made me seriously think of giving up. I really have no support to lean on, and I've been a nicotine addict for the majority of my life. Still, I have gone 24 days so far, and I'm past the worst of it. Maybe this will be the time I finally throw it off altogether. I used to spend about $40 a week on those damn things. I think I might take some of that and reward myself with some decadent fast food. Sure, it's bad for me but not as bad as what I just quit, right? After all, there are many pleasures in life I doubt I'll ever experience again. I might as well enjoy the ones I can. There are not many left. Drinking lost its fun a long time ago. I like being able to properly walk, talk, and think, thank-ya-very-much. So, fast food it is. Oh, and ice cream. Give me mint chocolate chip or rocky road. Of course, I probably need to be careful not to wind up looking like a Sumo wrestler after a while. No offense meant, but if my goal is to be healthier than I was, then I do need to watch it. If I had gone through quitters incorporated, it would be about time for Mr Donati to start checking my weight. Though, whose pinky finger would be at risk, I have no clue. 

I know I have said this before, but it bears saying again: Something to look forward to in life is a necessity, not a luxury. Yep, we really need this to live. Without it, we die a slow, miserable death. Another important thing is to at least feel as if one person truly loves you, cares what happens to you, and cares about your feelings. Without that, you may wonder why you even bother anymore. I am not merely talking romance or yadda yadda Yoda, as there are so many shades of loneliness. I can quite easily tell one from the other. I have become a connoisseur of sorts over the years. It is not the lack of a lover that cuts the deepest. It is the lack of love itself that hurts the most. The reality of life is not easy in the first place. I probably need not tell you that. If you are a human being, chances are you know as well as I do. There is a lot of harshness I have learned to accept in this life. This world kicks you hard in the backside, and never wastes time asking how you feel before doing so. I can live with a lot of this, but it's this loneliness that seems more than I can bear. I could face a lot of reality, if only I had somewhere to come home to. You go through life, feeling like crying, but you know you can't do that. You're expected to function like nothing is wrong. Life's not so bad when you have the love and emotional support of others and to be able to give your own love and support for them. Without this, life is just torture. I have no positive reasons to wake up in the mornings, only negative ones. You don't want to lose your job, do you? Otherwise, I would just sleep forever. I know I have talked in circles about this. I wish I could come up with something better to say. I have been asking myself why I bother. Life can be beautiful, you know? I know. Though it might be merciful not to know. Remember late December? That brutal north wind cuts deeper when you remember a warm, spring-like day like this one. To know what it is like to be warm is half the harshness of being cold. To know how it feels to be loved is half the bleakness of being alone. This is some heavy stuff to be thinking about. I can't say I like these thoughts at all. I need that memory messer upper from MIB. There's a lot of shit I'd love to forget. I think I'd be a lot happier in ignorance. Knowledge isn't always power, my friends. Oftentimes, knowledge can be a burden. Would a prisoner truly be a prisoner if they knew not of life outside that cell? What exactly did Hamlet say about being bound in a nutshell yet being the king of infinite space? It's these momentary glimpses of what it could be to be free that are the true slings and arrows. And, herein lies your answer, dear prince. Life seems so full of the tragedy of lost nobility. One could literally sacrifice everything and never even be a blip on the radar. It's like a golden asteroid that could've made you rich, had it not have fallen into that black hole, never to be golden again. It's just heaviness with no purpose or meaning. In Valley talk, it's a bummer, dude. Or as Cheech would say, that's heavy shit, man. My mind is a broken record, a looping tape real, an 8-Track tape going round and round. And I guess words need to be said now and again to preserve whatever sanity I have left. Reading back over a lot of what I say here can sure put a lot of things in doubt. So maybe I have already gone just a bit crazy. As I say, if so, I've earned it. Well-earned insanity. Well, that's one to check off on the old bucket list. Also known as the fucket list. We'll do it live. Tell me, friends: On a scale of one to infinity, how obscure are my references? I actually have little catchphrases that come from a variety of sources. "I forgot what I was doing, Kremmit!" That was a stoned Big Bird talking to an equally high Kermit in some random parody. And I say it every time I forget something. I'd come up with more examples, but I'm not gonna do it. It wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. Besides, I forgot what I was doing, Kremmit. 

I am so looking forward to my fan and my bed and maybe a bit of background noise.. When I'm this tired, sleep takes on this mystical, magical power. There was this scene from an old Sierra game, with a garden, an old rock wall, flowers, with a bench shaded by dark green trees. I imagine falling asleep in a place like that. In my little fantasy, the clock never dares to move in that wonderful place. There, you can close your eyes and never worry or fear again. You are safe now. You have come home. You are in the garden, and nobody could ever harm you here. Cool, huh? All of this from a 1990s video game scene that had absolutely nothing to do with sleep. It sure sounds like something that I would do. 

I think about Marsha a lot. There has never been a day when my thoughts have not turned to her. 40 was way too young. I guess I have said this so many times. But talking and writing, they have nothing on these thoughts. One might as well compare grains of sand to skyscrapers or subatomic particles to grains of sand. That is the magnitude. It gets to levels of comparison that are so abstract that they're pointless to make. To say I miss my baby sister is to say I breathe, that my heart still beats. What else can I really say? I love you, Sis. I miss you terribly. Meanwhile, the world goes on and on and on.