So, Universe, how are things going? Anything new with spacetime? Or is everything plodding along as it has for about 13.7 billion years or so, save for me of course? A mere near half century isn't even a microsecond flash in the pan. So when I ask what's new, could it be me? If so, the universe is full of irony because I most certainly do not feel new. I feel old. That is the irony, friends, universes, and dimensions. I feel as old as time itself. Perhaps my father, who I am lucky enough to still have around, would find my irony ironic itself. I am almost one half. He is almost three quarters. Me, I doubt I'll make it that far. Do you know what especially makes me feel old? Winter mornings. They make me feel quite ancient. As you might can tell, I am not a fan of mornings. Actually, mornings suck, especially cold mornings. Double and ditto for cold mornings when I have to be at work and therefore can't stay under my warm, comfy, cozy covers. Moreover, after winter took a month long break before returning with a vengeance. Indeed, the seasons so far this year in my lovely part of the world are winter, fake spring, and we're now on Winter II. I spent more than a month not having to run the heat at all. Now, it's back. The weather here is as crazy as the people are perceived to be. As the Cheshire Cat once said, I'm not exactly all here myself. But oh well, clean cup move down. I did a lot of computer stuff over the weekend, saving my two favorite KS fan-fiction sites. I guess after better than a decade, people seem to have lost interest. What's worse is that some of these awesome stories have completely disappeared from the internet, even the archive. Luckily, I had saved a few of them some years ago. All this will be included in my digital stuff that I hope to preserve for a very long time, hopefully even long after I'm gone. It would tickle this old heart pink to know somebody in the far future will enjoy this stuff like I do. Either way, I guess I'll never know, myself. Hello, future people. How goes the interstellar journey? Do me a favor, please. Carry my sister's likeness unto the ends of the universe so that she will be remembered forever and ever. Do that, and I will love you, too, forever.
Speaking of spacetime, I finally broke down and got me some reading glasses. I really need bifocals. For now, I'll settle for switching glasses for up close and far out. Getting older just plain sucks. I can't think of anything good to say about it. They say old folks are the ones who were lucky to live that long. Maybe they're right. I had visions of Marsha and I driving the rest of the nursing home crazy with our shenanigans. But I am the only one still here to get old. See? There's the downside beyond just our minds and bodies going downhill. Old people have had plenty of time to lose loved ones who meant the world to them. Getting old means outliving most everybody else, at least the ones you knew when you were young. And that plain sucks, pure and simple. A long life means a lot of loss. And that's just no good, my friends. I'm in what I call the outer stage of middle age. I can't say I'm looking forward to old age. What's there to look forward to other than illness and death? What good can there be in watching my hair turn white as snow, or my face shrivel up like a damn prune? This sure doesn't sound like fun. None of this has happened yet, but it will if I live long enough. I'll face unpleasant changes and not have my dear sister to commiserate with or to cry to about it. She, on the other hand, will never grow old. If I live a bunch more decades, becoming as ancient as Grandpa Simpson, and hers is the spirit that appears to guide me beyond, It will look like a grandfather being guided by his granddaughter. I am certainly your elder brother now, Sis. I'll be sure to yell for those kids to get off my lawn on my way out. "Ahhhh! It's the ghost of that mean old man!". "Boo, you little bastards!" The reason you respect your elders is that it's just a blink of an eye, and you're an elder too, probably with some little shit disrespecting you. Boo, Boo, Boo, It'll happen to you too! So, be nice to the old folks in your life. But I can't say which are the lucky ones. My worldview has kinda skewed into uncharted territory in these past few years.
Speaking of worldviews and whatnot, despite having very strong feelings on a number of issues, there are several reasons I avoid talking politics here. First of all, I'm just your average human, trying to get through this life. There are people with far more knowledge and eloquence to speak along these lines. Secondly, those very same people are less qualified to talk about my life and my experiences (which is what this blog is all about). Therefore, I'll leave theirs with them and keep mine with me. This is all about who I am, what I am, what I think, what I feel, who I love, and who I miss. If I don't talk about these things, who will?And if you happen to see some duality, I assure you it's honest duality. I think a soul is a lot like a subatomic particle of quantum nature, existing simultaneously in contrary ways. I am what I am and what I could be. I guess that does sound crazy. Well, when did I ever promise normalcy or even sanity for that matter? You've gotta read the fine print. Even the robot devil said so. I guess what I mean of duality is that with some things, it seems I both want and do not want. What do I mean? Well, allow me to give a few examples. There are things I want to shout from the rooftops, yet do not wish to catch hell about. There are aspects of myself I want to express, but never dare. There are things I believe wholeheartedly, but know at the same time would cause me trouble if I were to express them. That is yet another duality. I feel as though I am an actor playing a role, the self the world expects me to be. For the astute, it is the opposite mirror image of how they cast roles in Shakespearean times. And one can get so damn sick of having to stay in character all the time. Duality, indeed. And here is yet another example of skating up to the very edge, yet never going over. Darmok, Their Eyes Closed. The other duality is this tug-of-war of wanting simultaneously to be known and unknown. If life were like a video game, I could have both realities in different save slots. I could simply step over the line just to see where I land, knowing I could go back if this all were a horrendous mistake. Consequences mean nothing in a universe where the gods are in reality, yourself. I fear no mortals, for I am the goddess of empathy. (I love that episode of TNG) Who could blame Barclay? Marina Sitris was absolutely beautiful. Ah, The Holodeck. It's probably a good thing it hasn't been invented. I suppose there would be both positives and negatives. One could recreate their loved ones, maybe recreate themselves for their loved ones. How wonderful would it be to be able to tell your children, brothers, sisters, anyone who lives in your heart that you love them, even after you're gone? One could also use it as a tool to build confidence. But the possible addictions would also be pretty bad. Still, it would have its value. There would be those who go there to pretend: to play a role and live out a dream. There would be those who would go there to escape a role and be themselves, a dream all its own. In the holodeck, you can be anybody you want to be. Best get your affairs in order because you challenge the greatest swordsman in all the holodeck! En Garde!
Do you remember a song by The Art Of Noise called Paranormia featuring Max Headroom? Don't feel bad if you don't. This was from the mid-1980s when I got my first radio. Ah, memories of WPFM, the Great 108. Those were awesome times. Anyway, in this song, Max is going back and forth, wondering where he is, and yadda yadda Yoda, when he asks, "What am I doing?" He answers back, "Talk Talk Talking to myself." with an amused tone. Sometimes, I think this blog is a new level of talking to myself. This is made more true by the fact that it is not exactly searchable as of this date. It's still viewable to anyone who happens upon it, but it's not going to show up in a random Google search. Not yet. I plan on changing those settings someday, maybe after having a few years of putting my thoughts out there. I deleted and reset everything the day I lost my baby sister. That was the day my old self ended, and my current self began. I had to start all over. It has been one year and two months. That is too long to be without her, but not long enough to be putting all my thoughts here. I would rather have a couple of years, at least for context. One of my greatest fears is to be misunderstood. Although misunderstanding one another is quite commonplace with we humans. How often do we truly understand? And is it really anybody's fault? No, it's just our nature. Nonetheless, it sure feels lonely. Life is so long. Life is so short. There is too much time to think. There is never enough. The duality is not just in me. It's more common in this universe than even the stars. It is just as much part of the fabric of reality as is chaos. I guess it should be no surprise that being of this universe means inheriting some of its properties. We are not just in this universe. We do not simply occupy it. We are part of it. We are the universe. And so is she. Universe, Sister, it's all the same. I still miss you, Sis. Please visit me in a dream again sometime. I quite enjoyed watching Futurama with you. I can't see a single frame of that show without a thought for you. I miss you even more than Yancy misses Fry, even more than Fry misses his mother, even more than Seymour misses Fry. I know my three boys are all the kids I will ever have, still, still, if I ever had a daughter, Marsha would be her name. I also miss our mother terribly. I have your pictures on my wall so that your faces are the first I see in the mornings, and the last I see at night. So much has changed, even as I, too, have changed. But my love for you always was and will be. So long as I have breath. So long as I have a soul. I love you.
I awoke in the middle of the night for no particular reason. I got up and threw on some clothes for no particular reason. I walked out into the cold night for no particular reason. I looked up at a single star for the longest time, and a reason began to coalesce within the deepest depths of my brain. I went back inside, crawled back into bed, closed my eyes to the after image, and the image became a dream. In reality, I saw a single star. In the depths of slumber, I saw a constellation, glittering stars connecting to form a face I knew well. It was then I knew there was no end, beautiful friend. Maybe we can someday shine together once again.
And so I find myself here again, where I have so many times in this past year and two months. It all comes back to you. My thoughts and feelings are one big circle. They are as if you had thrown a boomerang. They always come back to you. Until we meet again, I will forever miss my sister.
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