Sister, Sister

 

I woke up in a haze, running late, having to move quickly before I got my brain in gear. On autopilot, running on empty. navigating by muscle memory, I awoke to find myself here. I looked around, seeing reality in every direction, yet lost in the memory of a dream...

 

Dear sister, beloved sister,  My guardian, my warrior, my hero, my friend. How can I bear this lifelong sentence without you? The permanence of it all comes back to haunt me again and again. Everything's such a mess, the opposite of how it should be. All is chaos, things falling apart, while I seem to do the same. The world just isn't right anymore. It is a night sky without its brightest star. It is the Moon without a face. It is a brother without you. All the laws of logic seem to be unraveling before my very eyes. It's like molecules breaking their bonds, entropy reigning supreme. As Yeats said, "Things fall apart, the center doesn't hold." This beautiful sunshine belies the sense underneath that keeps saying that something's just not right. Even the soothing sound of falling rain seems just a bit off. Is this truly my universe now? It can't be. How can it be my universe and not be you? The beautiful song of the birds is nothing but a pretty falsehood. The surface does not match the core, the blanket does not match the fabric, and this universe and its atoms do not seem to jive. It's not right, but it is. One can't argue with what is, only lament the way it once was. Something's missing. Someone's missing. The brilliant work of art that is heaven and earth is no longer complete. How could it ever be again? 

 

 

 

Waking up to reality is not an easy thing to do. But we all have to face it. We've got to be functional. We've got to do all the things we're supposed to do. We can't be a broken record, even if our thoughts seem to forever sound like one, even if it has been more than a year, yet feels like yesterday. Grief is love scattered across the multiverse, to every corner of time and space in the hope to find you again, happy again, healthy again, whole again. I get the feeling that my dreams are merely this quest, this search, glimpses beyond eternity. I can't explain that which has no definition. Feelings do not always have words. Sometimes, they are beyond language. I learned all too recently that part of ones soul often lives within the light of another human being. When they go, so does that part of yourself. I miss you, Sis. Not a day goes by without a thought for you. The universe is not the same, and neither am I.