Once upon a time, there lived a human being. Neither they nor the world in which they lived were exactly perfect. Still, they did the best that they could. They learned, and they grew. They even gained a bit of wisdom, here and there. They also screwed up royally now and then. In so doing, they learned again. Only now, it seems lessons rarely grant one another chance to make them right. Life can be merciless that way. One used to believe that lessons can bring about better things than the obvious regret. The thing is that age tends to creep up on one as they learn. As Doctor Soran said in Generations, Time is a relentless predator that stalks us. That evil doctor was right. I can also understand his wish to return to the Nexus. Destroying a planet would take it too far, but otherwise, I would understand quite well. What a place this Nexus would be! To have my baby sister back. To have my Momma back. To go back and make all the right choices, such as answering the phone in my angry foreigner voice when my ex-wife called me for the first time. "I have never heard of zat guy, why you call me at 2 am?" Then I could have just gone back to building Doom levels with Sargent Hartman sound effects. Ah, the 90's, how I miss them. Back I'd go, changing, fixing, fixing, fixing, and fixing what doesn't work out from the changes, Yadda yadda Yoda for all eternity. Yes, the Nexus would be totally fine with me, and I wouldn't give a damn if it were real or not. In a place like that, my every wish would be at my whim, and my happiest dreams would all come true. That beats the real world big time. Sadly, in reality, all we can hope for is remote, unlikely at best, and at worst, plain impossible. The impossibility of things that can never be will never stop the wishing, the hoping, the dreaming, and thoughts of all so far beyond the horizon of reach. Life hits hard sometimes. It would almost be a mercy if we never dreamed at all. Sometimes, I truly believe the body is a prison for the soul. It seems, the older I get, the more a prison it becomes. Life waits for no one. We get so very few choices about how it begins or even how it will end. And whoever it is staggering by the factory track and supposed to be matching souls with eras, eons, and vessels are obviously drunk on the job. It really sucks when you can not be yourself. The heart aches for all the beauty that can never be touched. You can't even go hide away, for the world demands a certain presence. The lucky ones escape somehow, but my luck has never been the greatest. I'm just a permanent observer of what I can never be a part of. I want to so much that it hurts this old heart, but I can't. It would almost be a mercy if I couldn't see, didn't know, or ever dreamed. It might even be a sign of the gods if I never knew at all. However, I know, I feel, and I dream. And beyond this is the insanely ironic twist that I can't exactly name what I truly want, truly need. I just know it hurts every single day to not have whatever it is. You may be asking just what the hell I'm talking about. Well, if I can't figure it out myself, I doubt anyone else ever will either. Maybe this is the place for me to try and answer my own questions. What I want is more of a feeling than anything else. The question is more about the way to get there than it is where I want to be. How do I want to feel? Loved, connected, secure, useful, and part of something. That's far from all, but that's a start. I used to think I knew just what would bring me there. It seems the more I learn, the less I seem to know about anything. The Tin man longed for a heart. Data aspired to be a human being. I envy them both. I wish I were a robot. Human needs are understandable, but they are quite painful when unfulfilled. Robots never cry unless programed to. Robots could never feel lonely in a thousand years. I guess I wouldn't be myself anymore without my emotions, but there are too many days I just feel like crying, yet another thing I am not supposed to do. I wish the immaterial was a bit more tangible. I wish one could exist in a hug and live forever in a warm embrace. I wish a heartbeat could be my song alone. I wish this void were full of light, that this heart were full of warmth, surrounded, embraced, loved, held, with whispers of having been meant to be. I wish for so many things that it seems I can never have. I wish to share so many things I fear I will never have a chance to give. The problem is that I am just too different, and I know it. It's the copy paste cut out that everyone goes for, even though they would deny so. If they wanted different, well here I am. Unique, different, though I say exotic. Okay, crazy in the fun way. As in the Mad Hatter and not Nutso The Clown. And I didn't merely state his name and occupation. I am just too different, I guess, and if I tried being normal, I'd be one hell of a poser. And I'd rather be damned for who I really am than be loved for just faking it. It is a lonely life like a train on rails that I see ahead of me, where I again and again lose the people I love until death mercifully claims me. Yes, it sounds bleak, morbid, dark, defeatist, and a general all-around pessimistic bad attitude, but how can it be any other way? I want more. I want so much more. Sadly, I just can't see it. Mostly, I blame myself. Though that drunk worker on that factory floor, so carelessly putting souls into bodies and eras, is also at fault for so badly misplacing me. I can imagine many places and times where I might have had a better chance, all while being myself. It's that office temp with that bad attitude all over again, staggering, swearing, throwing souls just any way. It's also my way of saying I might have done a lot better in another place and time. Maybe there are parallel worlds, alternate universes, where maybe I did better. However, it is just this place I see. And without my baby sister, who at least had a similar wiring and wavelength, I feel I'm half gone already. I know nothing is forever, but still, could they have spared just a little more time for me, for her, for us all? Could they have granted a bit more youth after we learned? There is no mercy, no decency to not kick us when we're already so down as it is. I guess, no time, no respite could ever be enough anyway. The insanity will always await our return. It is an unfortunate truth of our current level of existence. It's the whole 'coffee break's over, back on your heads' joke all over again. Is there more? Can there be? I just don't know. If so, I have serious doubts about it involving the Middle East thousands of years ago. I do believe in the unique, complex electrical beings we are. I also believe we are born first, but only truly become ourselves after a very long time of growing and learning as spirits do. This all happens within the brain, so the question is, can we still exist when it's gone? Can this complicated electricity go out into the universe and finally be free, no longer tethered to this frail and imperfect body? That is the real question. The wandering, lonely souls out there, lost, misplaced, wishing to be somewhere else, could they be part of some perfect design? How can loneliness, pain, loss, and longing be part of perfection? In a perfectly designed world, nobody would ever be lonely, cast adrift, wandering, or lost. Home would simply be a heart away, love would be its warmth, and the music of its beat would be togetherness, family, and belonging. The greatest desire in that world would be to make somebody feel all the aspects of goodness and love. This planet is just not that world at all. In the words of the Grateful Dead, "If I knew the way, I would take you home."
I know how this whole thing must sound. It seems all I ever do is ramble on, pouring out these feelings in this place that may never see the light of day, which I simultaneously feel two ways about. To shout it out from the rooftops or hide in the remotest corner of Earth. I know how this sounds. I know. Drama queen. The sky is falling. The sky has fallen. I know it sounds extreme. But this is simply where I vent what I otherwise put away while I go on about my life as a mostly functional human being. I pour my heart out here so it doesn't bleed elsewhere. This is how I hold a job. This is how I can be useful in a world in which I often don't feel like doing anything anymore. I pour it all out here. Those who find it will see a side of me that few ever knew. And really, nobody knows anymore, no not for forgetting, but for leaving this earth. I share it here because I can share this nowhere else. It's our little secret, Dear Random Reader. Seriously though, this is a place to express myself in a mostly complete way. There are still a few things I've been holding back on, even here. Although I have certainly said them many times between the lines. There are certain experiences that unlock a lot of what was already there in the first place. This week, a couple of recently discovered songs seem to totally speak my language. But I have even had silence bring that to being as well. Sometimes, it's a shade of afternoon sun. It's like the lens through which I look upon this world is, in fact, a crystal that changes with whatever frequency, bringing forth its own harmonics. I can't explain any further, but I know well when my wavelength dawns. I know it well, for it is my very soul. It is an echo of resonance I can feel throughout my existence. And that is as close as I can get these words to go. I'm afraid they fall far short of what I am really trying to say. As wonderful as our language is, it just can't express this. There are simply no words, no magic combination of them. It's like I am trying to translate these thoughts from an ancient forgotten language. Ever have a definition without a word? So, a lot of this is simply me trying to articulate many things I already know but can't define. It's weird, but so am I. I haven't really met a normal person in this life, and I've been around for a while. I've been around so long that I can see the patterns and how a lot of things have lost their magic. I see a lot of simplicity in things I once thought had some deep mystic meaning. Conversely, I see depth and dimension in what I once thought was simple. I have lived long enough to see up become down, right become wrong, and foolishness become a wisdom far deeper than I could have ever imagined. Did the universe invert, or did I? It seems each new truth I learned took me further and further from the person I was. So many things have changed. I would set fire to the soapbox I once stood upon long ago if I could. That's the lesson, people. Never be so certain about anything. Words don't taste so good. Not even with ranch dressing. Never be so sure. Open minds can learn new things. Closed minds go down with their ships. I understand so many things now. I have also found that enlightenment can have its pros and cons. It can alienate you from a lot of people parroting talking points and long dead doctrine. I swear they can seem like zombies. That's why I avoid topics of politics and religion. When you don't fit the mold, speaking up can bring about the fireworks. Never be so sure. Never but never be so damn certain. I am open to a lot of things, but simply saying it's so will never be enough. Neither can 'because somebody else told me.' ever be a sufficient reason. I live in a world of here and now. My mind's still open, and the proverbial jury's still out when it comes to a lot of things. That said, some things are highly unlikely. I would sooner bet on my own dreams. Besides, my dreams are serene aquamarine, and dammit, I like that. Lawn-chairs, umbrella drinkys, beautiful scenery including thee and me. Aquamarine dreams. Let that private jet be my chariot to the promised land. And friends, whatever hero that could make that happen would have earned my everlasting gratitude. Yes. it is unlikely, however, no less possible than this other nonsense. Seriously, I was just making a point in a roundabout way. I have no such outlandish expectations. Dreams? Now, that's a different story. It's like superpowers. Sure, I'd love to fly, and super strength would also probably be useful. Laser eyes would easily keep the butt-head jerks away. A cool cape is fine, too. Be it Superman's or Dracula's. Both are cool, but the latter has an awesome accent. Sure, superpowers would be nice. But, It does not mean I'm counting on them like a package from Amazon. Still, if we're going to dream the impossible, we might as well make it super awesomely impossible.
It seems this jumble of emotions has once again become a jumble of text. A certain social media site asks what is on your mind. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is a good portion of what's been on mine. There is no reference point to normality, none that I can see. I've just got to go with what's there. If it's crazy, it's honestly so. If it's boring, then it's the same concept. This is about as close as I can get to a direct upload from my brain. At least here in A.D. 2023. It's far from everything. Believe it or not, a loosely defined mental filter was involved. I still have a few revelations left in me. They will be in later chapters if I make it there. If I were famous, it might make an interesting autobiography. Since I'm not, maybe there would still be a very few. Heck, it should be interesting for those who study human psychology. Do I ever have an enigma for you. Figure this out, and you'll know the universe forwards and backwards and arrange atoms any way you want. Okay, maybe I'm kidding, but I am just a bit complicated, and all of this has been about my trying to figure myself out. I ain't there yet. If you do, you will have gone beyond my journey of so many years. I'm a mess. Hopefully, a mess that has its special place in this universe, hopefully, beautiful in some unique way. If I could just be that, then I could be okay, at least in this one way. I never wanted the world, just one small corner, just a little space where I can be free and me. A human can dream, can't I?
Goodnight, Universe. Love to all.
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