Well, hello, Universe. Good morning, Doctor Blog-ieo. And of course, good morning to you, whoever, whatever, whenever, and however you may be. How am I doing? Well, other than feeling as if surrounded by chaos in a universe of things beyond my control, I guess I'm doing fine. There is nothing new about any of this. I guess I'm somewhat better than I was about a year ago. I was, of course, devastated by the loss of my baby sister. Not that it is so easy these days, either. I still think about her every single day. I still miss her terribly. I still have not returned to my former self, and I never will. It can be a shock to realize how much of yourself happens to live in another human being. And that part of myself has been gone for a little over a year now. It lived with her. It left with her. And I am what is left. I love you, Sis. I always will. The rest of what has been happening is one hell of a mix between boredom of the mundane and the anxiety of chaos. It's all the same until it isn't. I wonder just how long this trippy chaotic ride of a life has left to go. If the past year has taught me anything, it is the fact that we rarely see it coming, and that relative youth is no guarantee. That skeletal, robe wearing son of a bitch loves to throw surprise parties. He also loves to steal away the wrong people. Maybe it is evil of me to say this, but there were plenty of people who deserved a visit from tall, dark, and scary far more than she ever did or ever will. Wow. The fact that so much anger remains in my heart surprises even me. They always say that grief is love with nowhere to go. Maybe it reflects and refracts around these broken shards of a heart, transforming into sadness and anger. My love is strong. Therefore, so is my anger at the injustice of my sister dying at barely 40 years old. And just like the love that wanders with no home, my anger too has nowhere to go. It remains powerful while I remain powerless. I guess I am angry at the circumstance rather than any person. It was not fair to her. It was damn sure not fair to me. A year later, and I am still mad as hell. I know it is wrong and unproductive, but I can't help how I feel.
Beyond this, there are other things. Some of them have been with me for a long time now. I do not want to claim I am perfect. And while I have always made a real effort to do right by others, I also have some deep-seated regrets. Some of these are from times when I honestly believed I was doing the right thing, only to later realize. Others are from when I was clearly young and dumb. Which, of course, reminds me of a story I used to tell about my younger self. The alter ego for my younger self was Ogg The Caveman. Ogg's catchphrase was, "Mmmmmm, Fire Pretty, Ahhhhhhhh! Fire Hot!" That was me, alright. I used Ogg to illustrate some of my most boneheaded choices. So, I am not claiming to be some perfect angel. I have my flaws, and I have screwed up royally at times. I do not regret my children, especially my younger two, but I wish they had been by a different mother. Hell, even a lab with test tubes and dirty magazines would have been a better mother to my children. Marrying my ex was the stupidest thing I ever did. Never grocery shop when you're hungry. Never marry the first woman to pay you attention when you're lonely. Hell, at least take a bit longer than three months from the first date to marry her. Talk about thinking with the wrong brain. Some of the things we do have permanent repercussions on our lives. I thought I was miserable back in 1996 and 1997. The thing is, it was the best time of my life, and I only recently realized that. It's not just nostalgia, either. I lived by myself in relative peace. My baby sister lived next door with my parents and would drop by to watch movies, play computer games, or just hang out and talk. There was no drama, no insanity, just me in my castle. And what did I do? Lay around and whine about being so lonely. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I had it made in the damn shade, and I just had to ruin it! If I had a top ten list of regrets, this would be the number one hit single. Casey would spin it again and again and again. I tried doing the right thing 25 years ago, and my punishment continues. Who knows? Maybe I would have found my soulmate had I just waited. At worst, maybe I would have ended up as that 40 year old virgin I've heard so much about. Well, so damn what! Trust me. Believe me. I can tell you that there are far, lonelier situations than being alone. A bad relationship is a special hell all its own. Another problem I have is I couldn't have kept things merely physical beyond a certain point. My heart was gonna get involved, like it or not. They say guys aren't supposed to have that problem, and maybe they don't. I, however, do. Then again, I have never been wired like a typical dude. In fact, my inner workings are absolutely nothing even close. Now, take that with whatever meaning you wish. It wasn't the only time. A few years after my divorce, there was someone else. She made it quite clear from the beginning that it was never going to be anything more than what it was. Haven't seen her in 7 years, and you guessed it, I have feelings for her. Yet another example of me being dumb. Of course, heart and mind aren't always the best of friends. Anyway, from the ages of 5, 7, and 9, I practically raised my kids on my own, though I must admit my parents were a lot of help. It wasn't easy. They're now 19, 21, and 23. These days, I'm living paycheck to paycheck, in a run down, falling apart old house. The one good thing is that it's mine, free and clear. I paid it off 7 years ago. But it sure ain't the prettiest house. I lack the skill, the time, and the energy to do much about it. I come home from my job just drained and worn down. People probably still think I'm lazy. Folks, I'm up before the sun most mornings because these bills don't pay themselves. My employer isn't the greatest at keeping up with inflation, either. I've been living like the government of late, with bills exceeding income for the last couple of months. This can not go on forever.
I'm mainly still working there because it's close, less dreadful driving in the dark, and I really don't want to have to cut my hair. This is me, after all. If I can't at least try to be my true self, then why go on living? Sorry, but my hair is non-negotiable, as is my other features. These thoughts of mine go round and round. I still try to do the right things. I'm just older now, and I am tired. I am tired by every definition of the word you could think of. And if I'm still going to have to play this stupid game and live this crazy life, I am no longer going to pretend to be someone I'm not. Sometimes, the only changes are the visibility of what was always there. As I have said a thousand times, I have to be me.
I'll say this here because I doubt anyone who actually knows me in real life will ever read it: Even though I'm single and probably will be until I die, I would love for someone to give me flowers and candy for Valentines day. It would just make my day, even if I am not in a relationship. Yes, I love flowers. I get that I am somehow not supposed to. But, as I said above, inner wiring. Deal with it or don't. It does not have to mean anything beyond surface value. Gimmie roses, lillies, and daffodils. Surround me with beauty. Pretty, pretty, pretty. How can anyone, no matter who they're supposed to be, go through life shunning beautiful things? Shouldn't it be here for all to admire and enjoy? What the hell is the matter with appreciating all things lovely? What the hell is wrong with people and their expectations? I have long ago had enough of being told what I should or shouldn't like. Key tip: If you want to influence me, send me a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. I'll be waiting, Universe. 😉
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