The Richard Marx Paradox

Modern day romance is a stupid game, nothing but let downs, heartache, and one serious blow to most anybody's self-esteem. A picture and a few lines of text hardly describes a human being or the soul within. I just don't trust the internet for such things. If ever we met it would be in real life or not at all. Not that I'm looking anymore. I am absolutely done. Nobody is worth the struggle or the pain. Well, almost nobody. There is one. There is someone who would be worth a thousand struggles. There is one, only one. But for that one, I would give the world. For that one, I would steal the moon from the sky. Poetically speaking, of course. But you get my meaning. This one, I love. And I can't seem to stop. Houston, I've got a problem. Fuel is good, the oxygen levels are nominal, and the ship is precisely on course. All radiation levels are within safe parameters, and the engines are doing just fine. Yet, we have a certain space cadet on board who has hopelessly and recklessly fallen in love. This is not a new problem, nor is it sudden by any means. Bones doesn't seem to think it a problem, it's only natural to love, he says. But Spock has developed one hell of a headache. PAIN!!! For these feelings are not only illogical, but impractical, too. And, I, the Great Cosmic Wie am trapped between heart and mind, and I have been for quite some time. Avid readers (if any) will know I have been referring to the same person for years. I have even (through others) sought the advice of the brilliant strategist, Grand Admiral Thrawn-bot. He said to examine your feelings over time, how they have changed, how they have grown. Using his method, I have determined that I, indeed, am in love. The Grand Admiral also said that love can not be forced, that it either is or is not meant to be, to give it time, and to accept what it becomes, or does not become. So I have taken the good admiral's advice. My only problem are these feelings. Love not given can be very painful for the would be giver. Poets through the ages have lamented the silent suffering of unrequited love. I have accepted that this is an internal issue that I must resolve myself. It's not her problem. It is mine. It is not her fault for being so wonderful. Geesh! There I go again. How did Stevie Wonder sing it? "As lovely as a summers day." "As distant as the Milky Way." While the nerd in me wants to point out we are in the Milky Way, I have to acknowledge Stevie is quite correct in this instance... For love is a science all its own. Irrational to be sure, but it can't be helped. I too, feel the same way for My Cherie Amour. She belongs on that shell in a certain painting. Yeah, yeah, I know I must sound crazy, but this is how I feel. I have referred to her in these writings as my angel, even though she's a human being and hardly mine. The reality of it all is more that I am hers, if only she would claim me. As complicated as it may sound, it's really that simple. I have written extensively about these feelings, back and forth between denying them, accepting them, wishing I didn't have them, and learning to live with them. I have told myself to get over them. I have told myself that it is the image and not the person. Yet, a few years is long enough to see many aspects of the real person, and everything I have learned only makes me love them more. It seems that every bit of logic and reality I have thrown at these feelings has vaporized in their wake. There is no escape, not for me. So my only choice is to resolve these feelings within the framework of this reality I must live in. It's not so easy. But I think I may have found the solution. I call it the Richard Marx Solution. (Right here waiting) Maybe it is the only viable solution for my Stevie Wonder problem, (for My Cherie Amour). Because I 'can't see' any way out of this. Since she quite clearly knows how I feel, it will be like this: I'll be here and you know where to find me. Any time that passes won't change a thing, as I am (and will remain) totally uninterested in anybody else. As I said, the headache, the heartache, the drama and general bullshit just ain't worth it. That is for anyone except for this one. I have tried many times to take these feelings apart and examine them logically. Each time I have failed. I have tried many times to dismiss these feelings as impossible, and therefore useless. They just won't go away. The won't fade. If anything they have grown stronger with each passing year. So, I have decided that my heart and my door will be closed to all souls except for one. But for this one, heart, door, and mind shall be forever open, or at least open until I draw my last breath. I have about figured out that I'll stop loving this one in the exact same way that the guy in George Jones' song did. Like Walter Cronkite said, "That's the way it is." There's nothing I can do about it. The only thing that could ever make it so would be her own free will. In other words, it's her choice, and the ball is in her court, not mine. This seems to be the only way forward. This the way I try to arrange my irrational, illogical feelings into a rational, logical way. Wish me luck. Though in the meantime (or maybe forever) I have to be finding ways to be as happy as I can be alone. Everyone has their own definition of success. Part of my own is being happy with what I have. I am far from rich, but I remain gainfully employed, and can afford the majority of what I need, and just a bit of what I want. I have a nice place to live, mainly due to the hard work of my parents (I remember how they struggled sometimes) and that of my grandparents. My main work has been in maintenance and improvement, in keeping things the way they would have them to be. But they get the main credit and my gratitude. Aside from that, I have a way of going, plenty to eat, and a bed to sleep in. I ain't exactly Nelson Rockefeller, but I'm doing alright. There once was this jerkwad who called me a loser. I don't think so. I may not have absolutely everything I want, but that's life, you know? But I am grateful, deeply grateful, for everything I have. As for the rest? Well I ain't dead yet and who knows? Figuratively speaking, I was first burned, then burned out. The funny thing, also the good thing, is that I learned the value of what was left behind. It was not a desolate place. At least not for long. I learned what mattered. I am quite content with no longer playing the game. I have been so much happier knowing I have better things to think about, better things to dream about. Yet I must confess this only applies to 99.999% of the world. And we can call that .001 actually One. Yet even while 999 complete and quite content, I for One, still find myself waiting, waiting, waiting, right here to wherever I need to be. Right now, until whenever, if ever. Right here is where I'll be... An open door, an open heart, but with a very specific key. For in the end there can only be one. Like highlander, minus the swords and living forever, with only the hope of living long enough. I was never all that crazy about that song. I always thought it silly. Yet, here I am, right here waiting. It's just as corny as the field behind my house, but yeah, it's true. No expectation. No plan, but to be here and to be myself. It is close enough to perfect as it is. But I know one way it could be even better. One angel. One human being. The only one worth the effort. The only one worth the challenge. I will not step even once out of my path for anyone else. But for her, I'd take a side quest to the end of the universe, if she'd only ask me to. For anyone else, I think I'll pass. Even a perfect supermodel would have the flaw of not being her. Therefore not worth the struggle. There is and shall be only one. And if not the one, than nobody at all, just me. I can and will live with that, accepting and resolving to be complete and content on my own, yet I would welcome this angel home at any time from now to eternity. One would think a wonderful soul as hers would be impossible to find, someone so special, a one of a kind, unique among wonders. One whose outer beauty is out-shined only by a beautiful soul within. Someone who the more I have learned about, the more I have come to adore. A rare find, one in a billion or more. You might think such a search would be a tall order, damn near impossible. Not at all. I've already found her. What is unlikely to the point of impossibility is being for her what she is to me. A special friendship I treasure, but I want so much more. I don't even keep it a secret. I have told her exactly how I feel. She's the only one on this earth I would ever consider marrying. For anyone else, even supermodels, even beauty queens, no freaking way. The ex ruined that. But I would marry this angel in a heartbeat. Name the place. Name the time. I am either hers or nobody's. Normally I have a rule. That rule is Hell no. But every rule has an exception, and this exception happens to take the form of the most wonderful human being I have ever met in this life. I have made it clear that she will always be welcome in that life. Just say the word. If you need a home. If you need somebody to care for you, I'll be in the same place, and I'm not that difficult to find. I have already waited more than half my life. I am just as willing to wait the rest of it. But for nobody but you. As far as the romantic kind, you are the only one I will ever love. I can't explain it, but it is what it is. You are the only one I will ever let get that close. And of course it has to be your choice. Otherwise I can do quite well on my own. I'll have to. I'll really have no choice, will I? The problem with everybody else is that they're not you. That's the deal breaker, isn't it? They could be wonderful in a thousand ways, but they could never be you. And that's why my door will always be open. I know well that the chances of my living the rest of this life alone are damn near certain. But for you, even a ghost of a chance is worthy of my waiting forever. I won't be calling your phone like crazy. I will not hover. I will not chase. I will not stalk. But I will wait. I am here. This invitation will not expire until I do. This more than anything has been a way I can resolve my feelings within, and go on living without, a way to deal with circumstances I can't change. Most of this is only in my mind, but I have to live there, so I am doing the best I can to bridge the gap between what is and how I wish it was. It's a Jedi Mind Trick that I am using on myself in order to better accept the way things are. I'm not sure it is working. Still, I've got to live and I've got to find some way to be happy. I think maybe I have found it. My garden is growing, it's looking almost as beautiful as a certain someone I know... (Alright, space cadet, cut it out!) Moving right along, I'm keeping the yard looking lovely as well... My computer stuff has greatly decreased in prominence as I have made an effort to be out in the sun, but it's still there. So, I have plenty of hobbies and distractions to keep me relatively happy. Even if I don't understand why I have movies I never watch, songs I rarely listen to, and game levels I never play. It's all part of the mind trick, I guess. Hey, it's what I do. Because you gotta do what you've gotta do. Do you remember how in childhood how everything was simple, even feelings? How I crave that simplicity now. How I wish everything was soul to soul, heart to heart. I feel so confined to this living being that I am. I feel so confined to reality, biology, and time. I am resigned to missing something I have never truly had, with someone the same. Sometimes I feel the two great punishments are growing up and growing old. Few of us are ever given the chance of our hopes and dreams. We just function, do our job and pay our bills. We keep the wheels of civilized society turning until we're ground under them. The best we can hope for is a little love, even as we are a part of the machinery to function until we wear out and are replaced. To be loved is to be irreplaceable to someone, to mean more than just a role, just a job, just a function. I bet a rich man is just as lonely. He doesn't lose sleep over bills, yet he will never know who's there for friendship and who's there for the money. That it is the way it is, is not the harshest thing about reality. It is how it gives us fleeting glimpses of how wonderful it could be. This I have seen in ebony eyes in which there exists an entire universe, a wondrous place I wish I were. I wouldn't mind the existing, the working, the paying of bills, all that would be an afterthought. I wouldn't mind the struggle. I wouldn't mind the pain. I would power through everything just to return to that place again. Even if it is a place I have never been. Just a momentary glimpse, and a persisting dream. Yes it's crazy, but it's how I feel. And all these musings are of having to live with these feelings in a reality that will never be quite right. I shall make an effort to be happy with what I have, but I shall always be like Richard Marx, right here waiting.