Hello, Universe.
As the song goes, I've come to talk to you again. I have been trying to keep my focus on green and growing things. I got everything finally planted over the weekend. The butter beans have been the latest to sprout. They're looking pretty. Today's rain was a big help. I was beginning to worry. I just hope my precautions will continue to keep the varmints away. One of the reasons I have been so focused is keeping my mind off Dead Snapper trying to show back up into my life. I remember worrying if you'd ever cross paths... Because bail money is hard to raise, and I had no doubt you would have totally mopped the floor with Dead Snapper over what she did to me. I knew when my baby sister wasn't kidding around. She's damn lucky that never happened... I'm not a fisherman. If I were, certain snapper would be thrown back into the ocean and woe to the poor sharks lest they too are sickened. I am more like a pirate. I seek treasure and only the fun kind of adventure. Drama walks the freaking plank! Also a taste of rum is quite nice now and again. Yarrr! Really, these days I'm more of a landlubber who enjoys the beauty of green and growing vegetables grown from the same earth as my father and my grandfather. I am not the garbage man. I am not interested in collecting trash, or spoiled seafood. Some things, Mateys, are best left to the scallywags. Yaaaar!! Seventeen years later, I would almost be willing to let bygones be bygones if only she would leave me alone. At least she can't just waltz into my workplace like she did back then. We have guards ya know. I would hope that by now she has better sense than to show up at the house. Ten years ago we practically had an episode of COPS in my front yard and it certainly doesn't need a sequel. At least since all my kids are in their 20's, nobody can call DCF on me because they're pissed I didn't drop the charges. I swear, all the things I have seen because of one bad decision! I don't want to see Dead Snapper. I don't want to speak to Dead Snapper. My hatred of Dead Snapper carries no ill will or intentions, merely the fact that if I ever see them again it will either be too soon, in hell, or both. There are days, believe it or not, when I find myself with nothing to say, not for a want of words, but of knowing they have all been said. The subject is old, tired, and ancient. It's days like these when I, too, feel old, tired, and ancient. It's an odd situation of explaining myself, to myself. Why would such a thing be necessary? Maybe to judge whether I would still make sense if I were somebody else. I am feeling just a bit lost. I can't understand why it can be so hard to admit. I am a mess like most anybody else. So why? It is strange how a seemingly unrelated chain of events could coalesce into such specific thoughts. What do you do to chase an unpleasant thought away? Do you change the subject? Do you distract yourself with a crazy catchphrase? The Metamorphis said that time has changed. (A giant brain from an animated science fiction film). Actually, he had a lot of traits in common with a certain Anakin Skywalker. For Vader, time too had changed... And changed again when he saved his son. Redemption was the difference. That never happened for the Metamorphis. He fell with his soldiers beyond the door of time. I, too, am from Ghandahar. Time has changed and so have I. It's ironic how it was a fear of loss that motivated both of them. Anakin feared for Padme's life. The Metamorphis feared for his own. Darth Vader and his stormtroopers. The Great Beginning and his men of metal. The parallels seem endless. Random thoughts, random events, I who exists. I who exists no longer. The struggle against the one who only was and not is. The irony of the fear of loss is what comes after the loss that actually happens, when the sun keeps rising, when the birds keep singing... When they really should pause... When you look around at so many empty spaces where a loved one should be. Have you ever felt so old that everyone around you seems like children? Even the 30 and 40 year-olds? Especially the 30 and 40 year-olds? Another irony is that back when I was that age, I would sure take issue with some old codger calling me a kid. But yeah, look at all these damn kids. Well, at least they're not on my lawn. (Grumbles in old codger). I guess perspective is everything. All these thoughts, coalescing.... People in shadow, people in memory, old ghosts, new ghosts, those with substance, and those without. Alive or dead. Dead inside or dead to me. Those who live in the past, those who live in my heart. As different as night and day are the zombies who still walk the earth, whose time has long come and gone, who mindlessly and persistently bang at doors long closed and forever locked. It is I, not them, who chooses who haunts and who shall not. Only true hearts and true souls, whose presence in my life meant safety, are allowed beyond this point and behind this door. Zombies belong in the grave. Demons belong in hell. Only angels belong in my heart. They are the ones that will live there, so long as I remain on this earth. Social media needs a toggle switch for things like AI, politics, and yadda Yoda. "Hmmmmph! Too much Yoda, no such thing there is!" Also, regarding requests, there should be three buttons, not two. Accept, Decline, and GO TO HELL. After all she put me, and especially my kids, through, she's got some nerve. It has taken me many years to get my life and myself back right. There have been many pitfalls and setbacks along the way. Hurricanes, pandemics, losing my parents, losing my baby sister, and half losing my mind from undeserved disrespect and drama. A drama queen, though I may seem, I know I am not special. I am no better than anyone else who has been through similar things. But still, it must be said. Not for applause. Not for sympathy. Just to state the facts. I am only now emerging from the other side of a lot of things. These words could never truly explain or describe all I have endured, or the aftereffects, the echoes, the things that just won't go away. It has been one long and treacherous climb out that abyss. Now that I'm finally back above ground, I can't allow anything or anyone to pull me back down. It's been a long fight to get back, and I'd quite literally be damned to find myself in that particular darkness again. I shall keep the people I love alive in my heart. I shall treasure my friends. But I must also say that some are not my friends and never shall be. One who survives poison gains the wisdom to avoid it. In sickness and in health, yes. But not in betrayal, not in treachery, not in self-destruction. What has been made null and void, holds me to nothing, holds me to no one. No zombies are allowed at my door. Go away. I am literally too old for this shit. No zombies. Not a hundred. Not fifty. Not one. No dead snappers. Dead snapper can not be stolen, only picked up by the garbage man. I hope the poor guy is wearing a gas mask so he doesn't hurl. That poor garbage man. Look at what your yard did to him! Who ya callin' foo, foo?! An flark yo yard! Clean cup move down. A respectful debate between two open minds is one thing. Arguments, however, are a circus. Right or wrong, It is way too easy to become one of the clowns. They talk over one another, convinced that volume and correctness are the same thing. You will accomplish nothing by joining in. It is far better to be quietly right, guiding actions rather than words. Let me say something I know well. The most impossible way to change a mind is by arguing. I have learned long ago to simply state my opinion and let it be. If the other party does not agree, then they will find out eventually. If I happen to be wrong (it does happen occasionally) then I will find out. Either way a lot of energy and stress will be saved. State it once then let it go. Let reality do the convincing. We all hate to be wrong, don't we? We tend to hold onto beliefs like life preservers. All and good for the ones that actually save us. Not so much for the ones made of concrete. Only they can let go. We can't do it for them. Just because one disagrees does not make them an enemy. And when we do disagree, we don't have to be assholes about it. There's already too many of them in this world. Clean cup move down. A mad watch? Really? I dunno, but Michael Myers time is upon me once more. Although speaking of time, apparently all that overtime that started at the beginning of the year seems to have settled down. This week will be my second Friday off in a row. This hasn't happened since '25. So, I'll need to figure out what I am going to do with this abundance of time. The garden as far as the planting and the breaking of ground is finished. It's just a matter of keeping the weeds down and the varmints out. There's some mowing to be done, probably some trimming of the crap that grows where the mower can't get. I need to get a serious start on backing up Marsha's soaps. It's not my thing, but she's put many hours into them and was very passionate about them. Because of that, they also mean something to me, even if I am not really into them.... Except for an Angry Victor Newman.... Nobody on earth is cooler than an angry Victor Newman. You got that? Do you understand that? You don't know the power of Victor Newman. "I will crush you!" Clean cup again. Move down again. It hurts to feel invisible. Even when you are in fact, not. It's only perception, you know? It's your own life and it's your own show. Your own life is the only place where being the main character makes any sense.... And that's only when you don't have a world of responsibility, when you become a side character even in your own life. But the world turns and seasons change, and you can become yourself once more. (eventually) When you finally stop and look around, that is when you see it. What am I? A thought, an echo, a point of reference? Visible to make a point before fading back into obscurity? That is when we must redefine ourselves, write a whole new definition. Validation comes from within. Clean cup, anyone? Move down, baby. Neil, Buzz, and the other dude landed on the moon before I was born. I always wondered why space exploration has since reverted to randomly circling the earth and sending out robots. Surely the idea of a moon base is nothing new, but it's about damn time. I don't think these 21st century robots match well with Asimov's vision. Anyone who has had to deal with a robot over the phone knows the First Law Of Robotics does not exist. The stress those blooming clankers put me under could definitely bring harm to a human being. Does not compute. Also, the vending machine in this break room should really shut up and just give me my drink. If overthinking were an Olympic sport, If Yoda were my trainer, "No more training do you require. Know you already that which you need." <(- _ -)> I wouldn't make for a very good Jedi. Just call me Darth Wie. The Dark Lord Of The Sith, Master of overthinking. You underestimate my power, high ground or not. When a watch can't properly keep time, is it the fault of the watch or the watch maker? If we wanted perfect timekeepers, we should have created perfect timekeepers. The watch didn't ask to be a watch, you know? It might well have been content to have remained minerals in the earth. Or it might want to try to keep this gig as best as it can. Everyone may be born ignorant of all things, but there's no way anyone is born evil.... Good and evil happen much later in the midst of decision. Being born human happens first and is not a crime. The brightness of the human spirit can sadly sometimes cast a dark shadow. Like I said, if we wanted perfect, we should have made perfection. I know I've said this before, but I'm tired, Universe. Every year brings more of the same insanity and brand new variants of insanity, too. Every year also means I'm another year older. And frankly, I'm getting too old for this shit. When you've been around the block a few times, you notice repetition, old things rebranded to fit the time and the narrative. It's like the background when Fred Flintstone is driving. At least he didn't have to worry about gas prices. There's nothing new under the sun, especially not me. And oh how I'm constantly reminded! I am the modern day Ben Kenobi. Hello, there! It is funny how old hermits become more and more relatable with each passing year. A long time ago in a galaxy far away, I was Luke. Now, I am Obi-Wan. Oh, he's not dead, at least not yet. Of course I know him. He's me! Excepting that if my phone indeed counts, then I actually do remember owning a Droid. (Overheard from a passing speeder) "I've never seen a Jawa fly, but I'd sure love to make it happen!" Okay, enough of Tatooine. Let's go to Naboo, and talk about the queen. The Queen Of Mixed Signals, that is. The Empress of my confusion, yet still my angel, nonetheless. "Harrooo! I'm so dizzy, and it's you, girl, making it spin!" Errrrrr! "Yeah, Agnew, I know, right?" After all this time, I guess I'm going to love her for life, regardless of what shall never happen... So I guess I've gotta learn to live with it. While Dead Snapper would be stopped by a locked door, damn near a fortress, a castle with a moat filled with sharks with fricking laser beams on their heads, my angel could most likely waltz in anytime she feels like it. It's crazy and it's stupid, but it's only love. And love just is, you know. I don't know why. It just is. I just love her. Of course, she knows. I have said so in a thousand different ways. It is difficult to change my own feelings. It's impossible to change hers. So, I'm like Richard Marx, right here waiting, possibly for the rest of my life. I don't know what it was that endeared this one particular soul to my heart. I have spent these years trying to figure that out. Clean cup, move down. Let's fall a bit further down. I honestly believe that the longer I stay away from social media and the news, the better shape and the better space my mental health is going to be in. It's just no good for me to carry the world on my shoulders. Especially when such over investment won't change a damn thing. I'll leave that circus to others, and if the whole shithouse goes up in flames, then so be it. Ladies and gentlemen, I am done. No more. I'll leave it for the idiots to fight it out. I've got better things to be thinking about. I just wish I had the bandwidth to download Doom levels on this thing. I would, you know. I prefer the pixelated demons (in Doom) to the real ones out there in religion, politics, oh and marketing. Damn, do we ever need an exorcism. The power of common sense compels you! The power of common sense compels you! The power of common sense compels you! Did I see heads spinning? Oh, what an interesting hurl that was! Truth is that this whole insane asylum makes me want to do the same damn thing... Just not as creatively. Ewwww! Clean pure cup, move down, far down!
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