Winter Musings 2024

Hello, Universe. 

How are you? And I? Okay, I guess. I'm just missing you as I always do. My back years would be a life of quiet reflection if it were not that I've got to go out and face the world. It was sure difficult to climb out from under my warm, cozy covers and away from the soft inviting pillows that probably wouldn't have minded had I slept until noon. My loud and obnoxious alarm clock was once again spared from utter destruction simply by being needed again tomorrow. And, damn, it's cold! The covers were warm, and my bed was soft. Outside, it's cold as hell, and life is hard. I tell ya. I could hibernate until spring. Sadly, I'm more human den da average bear, a voo va voo voo! And that means getting up and going to work in the wintertime. I really don't care if the calendar says it's not for another two weeks. Winter is already here. Cold enough for ya? On one hand, I hate the bitter cold of winter just as much as the brutal heat of summer. On the other hand, I can be a bit more myself in winter, and that kinda makes me happy, though I won't explain exactly why. I'll just say that even a symbolic psychological gesture is better than nothing at all. And I can't waste my time seeking understanding or validation anywhere outside of myself. I can't say that even I completely understand myself. Still, I know what makes me happy, and I know what eases my pain. I have to grant myself whatever peace of mind that I can. Yes, dear friends, Romans, robots, and strangers, these are my actual thoughts. Judge me as you will. Remember Freddy Kruger's wise words to Zsa Zsa Gabor. It is that problem free philosophy one must adapt if they do not wish to melt down from overthinking and worry. And as I have said so many times, if I truly have gone insane, then I have earned every quirk and quark. This is my very own Watergate breakdown, haroooo! Break it on down, Agnew! Errrrrrrr! Boogie down, baby, boogie down. It's another long December, just like in that song by the Counting Crows. Will next year be better? I can't say. This is not a novel. This is not a love story that will necessarily have a happy ending. Though I really wish it were. I would love to be that main character that overcomes all adversity and finds that love and belonging once lost beyond the horizon. But this is only my reality. All this really is, is one human being's thoughts, where I vent with almost no filter, that cheap therapy of the good Doctor Blog-ieo. I can't say my story will ever have a clear beginning, middle, or end. My memory tends to get more hazy the farther I look back in time, finally ending with the abyss. Will it be that way going forward? I just don't know. I have reached the point in this life where I can truly acknowledge a total lack of knowledge. I know nothing. Somewhere out there in Cyberland is a happily ever after, frozen in time. I guess that makes it both never and forever all at the same time. What was it that Yeats wrote and Stephen King repeated? Things fall apart? The center doesn't hold. Still, on a long forgotten server in some vast data center.... Forever still exists. Want to defeat entropy? Press the pause button. Without time, nothing ends. Still, without time, nothing begins. To really live is to truly risk the test of time. And though I don't know the guy, I have to agree with what he said. She is a wonderful person. I well understand the feeling, for those same feelings have been inspired in me. And it seems the more you know, the deeper those feelings will go. I see he did get a lot further down that path than I did. And I also assume that for some reason that their happily ever after fell apart, though I do not presume to know why. As I have said, I don't know everything. Still, when you start buying the rings, things must be pretty serious, and equally serious circumstances must have made things fall apart. Either way, in the way of Yeats, the center did not hold. If I had been in your shoes, it would have been a great tragedy to me. Is it truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Or, as in my case, to have loved and to have never had those feelings returned? I suppose it is far better to be me than to have been you. See, one can't lose what they never truly had. But, damn, I'm telling you, dude, just to see my own present day thoughts and feelings articulated so well, seven years before the fact of them is strange, uncanny, and maybe a bit unnerving. We come into each other's lives, but there was a time before, and sadly, there will be a time after. And the real kicker is this: it seems I am not so unique after all, to have seen so many of the same wonders that can only be seen beyond vision. I guess I am not the only one to recognize a beautiful soul when I meet one. You saw this, too. And if I thought I'd have even a ghost of a chance in hell that she would say yes, I would be shopping for those golden rings, too. Sadly it's just not the case, no matter how much I wish it were so. Because, yes, I love her, too. You lost a wonderful treasure, long gone for you. I sought the very same, but it was never a possibility for me either. To quote Zombie Duke Nukem, It's a total bummer, dude, and it is high time I moved on. Besides, my most significant experience of love and loss was not of the romantic kind. Oh I was once married a long time ago, but I had fallen in love with an illusion. What I lost was that illusion. And hindsight has made that abundantly clear. It still hurt me deeply, but nothing compared to losing my dearest sister, my mother, and my father. They were the ones who stood by me. This is a hurt that cuts far deeper than losing that flim-flam scam sham of a wife. Besides, I could well blame myself for not seeing clearly back then. Not all fools remain fools forever. Sometimes, we learn, and we grow. Sometimes, we gain insight and wisdom. It is my very hope that this is the case with me. I have seen a lot of changes over the first half of this decade. At its dawn, I still had both my parents, and they both were themselves. I still had my baby sister and had no reason to think I wouldn't today. I was eight years older than her, after all. My kids were all still in school. I was in my mid forties. I guess the only thing that hasn't changed is that I still have the same job as I did back then. I was single then, too, though that hasn't changed in sixteen years. I guess the first big thing that happened was in July 2021 when my mother's health took a major dive. She went from being herself to not herself. My sisters and I did our best to help Dad with her, but it just became too much. I never wanted her in a rest home, but it got to the point where we really had no choice. Later in October, we three siblings met in Tallahassee to discuss the situation. I didn't know then that it would be the second to last time we three would be together. And I don't want to think about the last time. January 23rd, 2022. Hell is a hospital room with the walls closing in watching her die. To hell with that day. I hate that day. Damn that day. Two months later, in March , Momma's turn. 2023 spared me from seeing any more death. 2024? No. July 21st was Dad's turn. The only saving grace was due to my middle son's help, we never had to put him in a home. When it comes my turn and time, I, too, would rather die in my own house than some strange place, surrounded by strangers. I have been thinking a lot about whether if I will be the next to go. It's a logical possibility. Still, losing Marsha proved the cruelty of fate as well as its lack of logic. The truth is we are not promised the next hour, much tomorrow, next year, or however many decades. If my father's age were any indicator, then I could say I have about 25 years left. But I can't. If I am as fortunate as my grandfather, then I will have another 42 years. Or my heart could mess up, or one of those damn deer could run out in front of me on the highway. The mother and child reunion is only a mishap away. Damn that's a dark thought, isn't it? Dark but true, I guess. Regardless, I plan to live for as long as I can. Eternity minus whatever is still eternity. And please, no reincarnation. I definitely don't want to have to go through all this again. That would suck. Well, unless I have better luck and make better decisions. Then maybe, just maybe. Otherwise, this old soul is tired and in serious need of rest. I am halfway through what has been so far, the shittiest decade of my life. It just sucks. Believe me. I need some serious change. I would like the second half of this otherwise rotten decade to be about life, living, happiness, love and belonging, keeping rather than losing, presence instead of absence, living rather than merely existing. I need the flame of memory to chase away the coldness of growing old. I need the warmth of love to replace the chill of an empty place and an empty heart. I need to know that I matter to someone. I need those who matter most to me to know that I care. Time is a distance greater than space, for space can be overcome, yet time can not. Home is so much more than a place you can go to at the end of the day. Home is the people you love. Without them, without that, it is merely an empty place to hide between battles against the world. The thing about winter is this coldness and emptiness that I feel. It is looking out a window to a lifeless world, devoid of so much. I feel as cold as the frozen ground. I feel as if I can never be warm again. It's plain coldness cutting through my jacket and seeping deep into my bones. Could I ever be warm again? She could make it so. And heck, I'm not specifically talking about sex, though that would be nice too. But wouldn't it be nice to fall asleep next to her, all warm and cozy, with her warmth and her heartbeat as my lullaby. I could happily get by on cuddles and snuggles alone. Sadly, I only get struggles. That's my life in a nutshell: All struggles and no snuggles. It's just me and my army of pillows at the end of the day. Ah, to be warm, comforted, and loved. It would be the absolute closest thing to heaven on earth. It would be my greatest wish after 16 years in an empty bed. I was merely tired of being lonely years ago. And now? I'm just tired of everything. What is this struggle for anymore? Why do I bother? That is the question. I am so tired of coldness. I need to be warm. I need to feel that somebody loves me. I could write a million words but could never explain the depth of this emptiness. It is a persistent pain I try so hard to ignore, but it cuts so deeply. I am so cold. Will I ever be warm again? Death, too, is cold. I can't imagine the arms of Oblivia ever being warm in their embrace. Still, the loneliness will end, and the pain will torment me no more. Still, I should have better things to look forward to than that. Otherwise, why struggle? Why waste energy I could sleep away? I need a real reason. I can't do this merely in the name of absent friends and loved ones long gone. I need a reason in the here and now. I need something to look forward to. And it's got to be something more than old age and death. Oblivia is a patient lady. She is quite willing to bide her time and wait for me. Ah, but can I wait for her? Not without a reason. We need more than the food we eat or the air we breathe. We need a reason. It has to be more than sparing the few that care the pain that I can not spare myself from. It has to be more. Just because you're the last one standing does not mean you win the game. Ah, games. Now that's a subject that lifts my spirits. They are some of my favorite escapes from reality. But unlike these folks buying expensive, overly realistic new stuff, I stick with the classics. I need escape, not realizm. I love my ancient computer games, those that were new when I was young. Some from the 80s, but the 90s were especially awesome. In some ways, I still live there to this very day. Lately, I've been making Doom demos with my special dehacked patch. You see, a long time ago, there was a program called DehackEd where you could edit Doom and basically change all the rules of the game. The patch I made makes Doom extremely easy. Your health can go up to 999. Former human commandos drop BFG's. Regular former humans drop Medikits. There are no more Pain Elementals. My Elementals are Health elementals who spit health powerups at you, boosting you up to 999. Plus, there are special things I make the game story say, my special slang for certain game items, plus I get told I am awesome every time I pick up a health pack. Normally, I am a fairly decent player, but I still like to blaze through a level now and then like John Rambo. Hey, yo, to survive a war, you gotta become war. Still, cyberdemons can be just as dangerous, even with my extra help. The end of my Boom 202 demo run in both Freedoom and Perdition's Gate was done so by a cybie. "Rooooooo! I don't care how awesome you are!" Thank goodness for the re-record function of Prboom Plus. Anyway, so far, I have done Doom 2, Perdition's Gate, Evilution, Plutonia, and Freedoom v07. Next up is Freedoom V13 and maybe V05. The levels are very different in each. Then maybe I'll tackle the rest of the Community Chest series. (Already beat CC4) Then again, I guess I could go back and do Ultimate Doom, but I sure would miss my Health Elementals, and I would be way overpowered in Episode 1. Episode 4 would be a totally different story. It's not that I need it to win the game, but it makes the game a lot more fun. I have made many demos without my special dehacked patch. It's just that while sometimes I want to play by the rules of the game, there are also times I like to make my own rules. Rule Number 1: I get 999 health. Rule 2, I will get reminded of how awesome I am every time that I pick up a medikit, even with my health being way over 100 percent. Rule 3? Let there be Health Elementals! You know I wish I could create a dehacked patch for real life. I'd change all my pennies (actually all pocket change) into 100 dollar bills, give myself 999 number of 9's of money. I'd bring back all my loved ones and give them all 999 health. And I would summon a Health Elemental to give as a pet for each one of them. Feeling ill? Spend some time with your Elemental, and let me know what name you gave them. And... maybe I'd influence through the code and the ones and the zeros to make a certain someone more partial to falling in love with me. Hey, if I long ago glitched out of this game, I might as well not be bound by the rules either. And such is the dream for this daydreamer. The purpose of a game is an escape from reality. I wouldn't want to play them if they were just like reality. That's why I never understood this realistic look of the modern ones. Give me either pixilated love or pixilated violence. Fight the monsters and romance the anime girls. Games are an escape to a world of possibilities, a chance to experience a variety of emotions that are beyond reach otherwise. Whether the pride of conquering a level or the joy of winning a heart. To fly a starship to the other side of the universe, to as they say, boldly go. Imagine a world you get to create rather than merely discover. That is what games are for me. Possibilities, endless possibilities. When all hope is lost in reality, they are a thread you can hang onto. And some days, I feel that games and my other distractions are all I have anymore. It is a hell of a thing to wish to be somewhere else, to be someone else. Then again, this really comes full circle to the root of my problem. The customizable characters I have created in games all have one trait in common, a trait that I sadly lack in real life. See my characters, and you'll quickly understand who I wish to be. Still, that's neither here nor there, nor is it within the scope of these sessions with the good Doctor Blog-ieo. Though I'm sure a real mind doctor would have already figured this out about me. I bare a lot of my soul here, but there are a couple of things I will take with me to my grave. It sometimes feels like I am shouting it out loud, but maybe that's only because it is painfully obvious to me. I keep forgetting how different it must be on the outside looking in. It's only out of the ordinary if you're seeing it that way. From where I stand, it is not only ordinary, but it makes perfect sense. We all live on the same planet, but many of us are in different worlds. I wonder if this was the problem that certain people had? They expected the rest of the world to find their situation as obvious as they themselves did. But it's just not that simple. The lens of the mind makes for a very different point of view. Still... As the Martian said to Colonel Wilder, it only matters that you see your world and that I see mine. The existence of one does not detract from the realness of the other. The universe within is just as vast as the universe without. Within both, there exists possibility. And sometimes, the validation we seek from the outside world can only truly come from within. I don't know. I'm just a simple human being, one of billions. Simple, yet complicated, dealing with a variety of contradictions from within and without. On this compass, there is no objectively true north. You've got to decide where the circle starts at zero and go from there. And that may change over the course of time. It may seem disquieting, but it's okay. We're all allowed to grow, and we're all allowed to change. We are not static beings, frozen in stasis. We are dynamic patterns, and we're all beautiful in our own way, not only in the universe but of the universe, destined to become one with it. These are, after all, my letters to the universe.