Bummer Conundrum

Man, is it Kermit the froggy out there this morning, monster movie fog one would expect the great Lon Cheney Jr. to be walking out of. It was a hell of a struggle just getting to work today, but hey, I made it. Between that heavy fog, slow poke chowderheads, and time being the sadistic troll it usually is, It was a proper challenge, to say the least. I'm kinda feeling like a run-down clock, but I'm still ticking, if a bit slowly. The covers were soft and warm, and the sleep was particularly feeling good... I'm already missing my bed. It's my only escape these days. I remember long ago at the end of the day, I used to look forward to playing some games, watching some TV, or grooving on some good tunes. Now, I just think about sleeping. I guess sleep is the new party, huh? If that's the case, I am sure looking forward to party time. Gonna get my sleep on, harrrooo! When did I stop being young? When the kids were born? When the ex left? When I lost Marsha, Momma, Dad? When did I stop being young? That's a damn good question. I'm not sure if there's a type of survey instrument where you use stars as references, zero on one, and turn to the other. But I had a dream last night of my Dad showing me how to set such an instrument up. (Did you know there is no such thing as a fixed point in space?) Ah, space bends, and so does time. (Just not enough) You know, I think an interesting project would be laying out the Martian grid. North pole to South Pole, around the equator, then go from there. There is no line to cut, clear line of sight... But if you want GPS, better launch a bunch of satellites. Yep, I have weird dreams and an even weirder imagination. My Dad has been showing up in my dreams a significant number of times of late. It makes sense. After all, I am in his room in his house... Technically, mine. but it will always be his and Momma's house to me. There was another dream where I was driving with him, and he was trying to give directions, but I couldn't understand what he meant. The symbology isn't really that hard to decode, is it? Everything is now up to me, but I am kinda old, and I'm kinda tired, and really, I don't know exactly what I should be doing. Still, life goes on, and we've all got to keep up with the machinery lest we get caught up in it. It's life, and it's the way of the force. At least nobody ever said we have to like it. I don't mean to be belly aching here, but... Hmmmm, actually, Damn. Got one hell of a tummy ache. Feels like I've got an alien on board. Congratulations, it's an alien. I've had no change in my diet today, so I have no clue why. No encounters with face huggers either. Those Alien movies are a no-no for me. I can watch Jason, Freddy, Pennywise, Michael, Chucky, and (most but not all of) Pinhead... But aliens jumping out of tummies is where I draw the line. I can't do zombie movies either. Not even the original in black and white. I can deal with scary, but I can't deal with gross and gory. That's just not my cup O tea. Oh, don't trouble your pretty little head, dear. I'll get it. Clean cup move down? Well, here I am, another day in a not so perfect world, just killing time like always, wondering if maybe I should try something new. I've been going through the motions, drifting through the day by day, alive but aware only sometimes. Autopilot used to just be a morning thing, but I spend a lot of time these days living in my head while I just let this body do what people expect it to do. This disconnect has always been a thing, just not as usually pronounced like it has been of late. The world around can be a blurry haze, just scenery and people passing by. It's my home planet and my hometown, but it can seem so alien sometimes. Or maybe I am the alien? I can't say I know what is what, much less why. All I know is here I am, and here I'm not. My uniqueness goes far beyond my outer appearance. I would imagine anyone brave enough to read these ramblings would know this. The real kicker is there is more, so much more that I wish I could tell you about myself, things I must at least for now leave between the lines. Though I guess I'm not too subtle for the savvy. Remember: Nobody outside of you is qualified to tell you who you are or who you aren't. They lack both the knowledge and the right. I think it is totally wrong for them to butt into what should be your own personal business. On the other side of that equation, be real and don't be obnoxious. Everything has a proper context, a proper time, and a proper way. The only limit to freedom is that you shouldn't push your beliefs on others. They're free to disagree. Live and let live, my friends, but I know just who and what I am. You can't change that. Hell, I can't change that either. I am more than just some simple biological organism. I have a soul, and I know that soul, for I am that soul. I know my own aura. I know my own light. I know the colors. I know the frequency. Who are you to tell me who I am or who I am not? How can you know when you have never been me? You can't know. Not for sure. Really, it took a lot of soul searching for even I to truly understand. It is not about questioning my core truth, which has never changed, only about what I should or shouldn't do about it. My answer has been a pragmatic one, considering the imperfect world I live in. I have to find happiness within myself, even if I can't go about it exactly in the way I wish. Small affirmations here and a little reassurance there, not to mention a lot of the symbolic things that I do these days. They're not much, but they keep me going. I may not rock the boat, but make no mistake: I am the captain of my own ship, and I will decorate my quarters the way I want to. Let's fly the Jolly Roger high, mateys, Yarrrrrr! (And boldly go) There has been so much of the tried and true that has fallen by the way. And as much as I want to keep things simple, they're a bit complicated. I almost wish I were as simple as the person the ad algorithm thinks I am. I won't say I am totally different from the person you may know me to be... I am that person and then some. I am me and more. And this is not a new development. It has always been so. The only things that have changed is my life situation, my thoughts about the future, and my inner debate about exactly where the point of no return is, just where does the land drop away. Falling or flying... I guess it really depends on the trajectory. All I know is I can't figuratively stay where I am. I have been saying this for a long time, but it has not changed. Something's gotta give. I look at the last time I was able to climb out of the depths of depression, and I well remember how I did it and how it made me feel. And I have decided that it is exactly what I need again now. It has to be. There is no other way. I must have something to strive for, something to look forward to, a reason to live. And we all need that, right? There's no logic in criticizing the things we do to stay alive. It's more than survival. It is sanity, or at least a close approximation thereof, far closer than I would otherwise be. Maybe we need our quirks, quarks, and Captain Kirks. If it keeps your head above those dark waters, then by all means, do it! Life is short, and we waste too much time worrying about what other people think. You're the one who has to live your life, all the joy and all the sorrow, all the pleasure and all the pain. I'd say hold onto whatever happiness, love, and belonging that you can. That is the real treasure. We need it intensely and immensely. That is the difference between living and existing as if you were the walking dead. We are creatures of light, and we starve in darkness. Most of all, we need love. What is life without it? My heart aches for it, pines for it, starves for it, and needs it so badly. I am not exactly a fan of my own species, not exactly crazy about we humans, but it turns out I need at least one human being to love. It's crazy, huh? It is, and maybe so am I, to be so willing to sacrifice absolutely everything just to have that love. What's worse is that I already love someone. Do you know what is the hardest thing to do with the love you feel? Absolutely nothing, as if you didn't feel it. How am I supposed to pretend that I don't care when I do? I can't help these feelings that intersect the very core of my being. How does one fake indifference? Holding back on love is quite the hell on earth. Love is damn hard to hide. I would give her absolutely everything I have and all that I am if it meant she'd love me too. Still, love only means something if it's mutual. Without that, it is just a feeling, something one must learn to live with. Reality bites hard, man. It really does, that I could fall so far without a net. It's been over a year now, and I still can't shake this feeling. It drives me crazy. I get annoyed, not at her because it's not her fault, but at myself because I am the only one to blame. I guess we can't help or change our feelings, but damn. All this time trying to speak reason to my own heart, yet this deep love, admiration, and adoration I feel for her have not faded but have just become more defined and stronger. What happens when you meet someone who just becomes more and more endearing with every new thing you learn about them? How does one ever get over such feelings? Damn it. Here I go again. You know, there are a million beautiful faces, an endless array of captivating eyes, an infinity of smiles to launch an infinity of ships. You can put them all on the wheel of random chance, and every number would be a winner, all beautiful, but all the same. But what of the heart, what of a beautiful soul? And that's why for some there can never be another. There may be a billion fish in the sea, but they're not a fish. They're a treasure shining below the water, beyond the sand, far past that brilliant sparkle. They're an uncharted island of wonder. That is where they differ from all other treasure. Money can be replaced. So can a brand new car. Even a house itself is not a home. Not without this. A real, true, rare wonderful soul, can never be truly replaced. Beauty beyond what the eye can see can rarely be found, can never be forgotten. Beautiful brilliance can dazzle the eyes, but it can never erase what the heart can see. If you ever find (Or have found) someone like that, try to keep them if you can. And if your mind ever whispers, if your heart ever speaks.... Listen, my friend. It's the same love confession I keep making over and over again. I love her! If this were a romantic movie or anime, it might have become quite beautiful and wonderful. But this is real life, and real life can blow freaking hard. You can't make somebody love you. And even if I could, it wouldn't feel right anyway. If it is not of her own free will, it would be pointless. To be actually chosen would be the most wonderful feeling. But it's all or nothing in stark reality. You either win or you lose. There are no runners-up or honorable mentions. Random chance can be a real son of a bitch, if you ask me. It can be so harsh, so cruel, very unforgiving to a lonely heart. It's nobody's fault, but it hurts just the same. How can I blame someone for being the wonderful person that they are? That sounds like a me problem. After all, she's not the one hurting me. I am hurting myself over and over again by constantly wanting someone I can never have. I am at fault here. Damn it, I really need to get over these feelings. It is time for some serious self reflection. Some dreams were never meant to be. There is really no right or wrong in feelings, just in what we do (or don't do) with them. Still, holding back love hurts, man, it really hurts. I guess people are more used to hiding negative feelings. When you really love someone, It is so much harder to hold back from holding them, from comforting them, from drying their tears, because empathy says they need this and there seems to be nobody else being that shoulder, being that support you know they need and deserve. Maybe this would be easier if I thought she was truly happy where she is. Though really, it is her choice to be and I should be respectful of that choice. But damn it is so difficult to be sometimes. Let me just go on and admit that part of this could even be my own selfish need, I guess. Maybe also, however, there's a certain dude that needs to step up and be a real man for once in his life. How can the luckiest man on earth be so damn stupid? You have her love, pal. Now be the man she deserves, damn it. Because if I could steal her from you, I damn well would. Grand Theft Girlfriend, Cosmic City. In a heartbeat! So, If you love her, start acting like you do. Be kind, have tenderness, show love. Her pain is your pain. Her happiness makes you happy. This is what it's supposed to be like when you truly love someone. She needs a partner, not a boss, not a guard, not a warden, someone to build her up, not put her down, to encourage, cheer for her, to celebrate all her victories as your own. This is common sense, not rocket science. If you love her, show it! This is coming from someone who has to hide the very feelings you should be displaying. Make this wonderful woman happy. You don't know how fortunate you are. Somehow, you won her heart. Be worthy of it. End of sermon. And as for me, I need to be moving on from these feelings. More a change in direction rather than giving up. There is no sense in kicking my own heart forever. It is a cruel thing to say get over it, but I know this is what I need to do. I once gave up a long time ago. I think maybe the time has come again. I guess the differences now may be even greater than I once thought. Back then, I still had these rare people who still loved me. Back then as well, I wasn't fighting against my own love for someone. So I guess things now are extremely different. It is the day after a last hope and a last hurrah, the first page beyond the end of the book. It is a change of direction, but it is also giving up. It is closing the door on that ghost of a chance. Part of me wants to scream and shout at myself to hold on for another day, that improbable does not mean impossible, that a wonderful change could be a heartbeat away. Feelings can change, though it seems I can't change mine. I can't help but feel the way I do. And I can't just wait and wither away. I need to blossom, one way or another, within or without, inside or outside, maybe all of the above. I can't go on feeling unattractive, unwanted, or unloved. If I can not have, than I at least want to be. I guess there are no words to make anyone I know understand this. And here lives the struggle and the conundrum. Do I live for others or do I live for myself? I spent many years living for my kids. I was the only one of their parents to see this through. Now, they're grown, I want to pursue my own happiness. I don't know how much time I've got to do this. All I know is that I close my eyes each night and wake up each morning with one less day to make it happen. I am not claiming this universe owes me anything, just wishing and hoping it would be kind, show some love, and grant it to me anyway. Peace, purpose, love, and belonging: That's all I want anymore. If not in the arms of the one I love, then at least somehow, somewhere. In a universe of infinite possibilities, there has to be some small corner meant for me. There has to be. Don't leave me out here alone. Forget me not, abandon me never. Remember me. Guide me to where I need to go, to who I need to be. I'd go anywhere. I'd do just about anything if it meant truly coming home. The moon is beautiful, don't you think? It has been falling for billions of years, for long before my birth, for many times my existence, but it's still up there, beautiful and lighting up the night. It is a fall that won't end soon, for yet another eternity after I am long gone. I found it fascinating when I was a small child. I guess I do still, even now. It is maybe the one thing that has never changed. Spouses leave, kids grow up, loved ones disappear, and I grow older. But the moon is still the same. Couples in love, my parents, grandparents, and on back and back, walked under it, hand in hand, all the ones who led to me, falling still when they were falling in love. Falling on the day of their birth, falling still on the day I lost them. The phase may change, the tide may rise and fall, ebb and flow. Neil Armstrong may have even visited once, but the moon will never change. It may not be forever, but it might as well be when placed next to me. What am I in that light but the blink of an eye? Could I ever be anything more? They say we've got to make our own meaning, but they never show us how, do they? Too many fill in those blanks with religion. And while I won't argue with what gives them happiness and purpose, I know well all the while that it's not going to work for me. Oblivia, goddess of eternal nothingness, is my only imaginary friend. And while her beautiful figurative countenance and figuratively loving arms may be only my dream, she might well be quite real when it comes to literal circumstances. Scientifically speaking, eternal oblivion is just as likely as anything else. I respect those who are able to find religion to be a satisfactory answer. I, however, can not. It's not that I won't. It's just that I can't. Momma always said that can't never could, but I have honestly tried. I know she would be upset that I can not accept what she believed so strongly in. And there are times when I really wish I could. I can't believe in a flat earth sky from which the stars can fall. In the backdrop of the far away galaxies in that needle eye corner of space as seen in the Hubble deep field, there is more infinity out there than be contained in any book. Even beyond all this, though, I'd still like to believe that somewhere in infinity my loved ones still exist. I would be the last to claim any understanding of the metaphysical, or provide any answers. All I know is that it takes neither a genius nor a god to know what love is. Do you know what sucks about the waveform collapsing? All those infinite possibilities go away and then we're down to one: reality. That may be okay if that reality involves winning the billion dollar lottery, or where that wonderful human being you've fallen in love with actually loves you too. Otherwise we have nowhere else to go. In scientific surfer speak, Bummer dude. Bummer conundrum, catch 22 superglue. In other words, oh what a mess. Remember, kiddos, random chance in a blender makes for a roughie, not a smoothie. Serve chilled, adding chaos and pandemonium for that right amount of spice.