Cosmic Man II

Sadly, this is not an ideal world.

 There is the way things are and the way I wish they were. Some things I can change. Others, I can't. It's human nature really. Surely everyone has wishes. Even the luckiest people who seem to have everything. Well, I have my wishes. No genie, no lamp, but plenty of wishes. Now, we all have to know the differences between our wishes and reality. I have to discern my own. And apparently remind others that if certain wishes were reality, I wouldn't be so secretive about them. Believe me, I would be shouting from the rooftops for all to hear. Sadly, this is not the case. Sight, sound, touch, emotion: All that makes this void not so empty. All that would sustain. The Moon has been falling since long before I was here. It will be falling long after. Heavy thoughts really have their own form of gravity that pulls on the mind and the heart, rather than on bodies. Could there also be escape velocity? Could a face launch a thousand starships and light up the sky? Could a memory have an event horizon, beyond which there is no hope of return? Could an emotion that can not be helped bring my universe to an end? Could the brightness of a new star bring it all back again? Questions, always questions. It's nice for Stevie Wonder to do commentary on my phone conversations in my car. See, I have my playlist set up to play when I'm not on the phone. Well when my phone conversation ended with a certain lady I have talked about a lot on here, Stevie suddenly sang, "My Cheri Amor, distant as the Milky Way". Exactly, Stevie, Exactly. Actually, I think she's as far as Andromeda. Good news, Andromeda is rushing towards us. Bad news, it's gonna take 5 billion years to get here and that's about time the Sun goes kablooey. Good news, I'll be long gone by then. But, if I did still exist, I would still have these deep and strong feelings for her. Since she doesn't feel the same, this is a problem, my problem. It doesn't stop me loving her, but it does stop me from telling her. Holding back love has to be the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. As transparent as I am, she most likely knows I do. I am sure every subconscious signal I send absolutely screams I love you. And I do love her.

Pretty faces are not rare my friends. You will find them everywhere, wondrous countenances gazing everywhere. Online, from magazines, even in your daily life. The same goes for the rest of the visual aspects... (If ya know what I mean) Believe me, If it's something you want to see, you're gonna see it... Faces that glow, smiles that brighten, and eyes that could send your very soul into a spin.... All these can be seen. But a beautiful soul? A wondrous heart with the depth of love that seems to have no end? Good luck, buddy. That is not so easy to find. And even when you do, circumstance can be cruel. In surfer speak, "Bummer, dude!" It's not always simply a matter of wishing to find what I'm looking for.... (Sorry U2 for referring to your song) ...But an even deeper matter of wishing to be found as what they were looking for. This may be a silly distinction to you and sometimes even to me.... But it would be my wish. Oh well. If wishes were horses, I would be the lone ranger. (But I am already?) (So how in the hell are not wishes already horses then?) Well, hiyo freakin silver, my friends. I only get one life, and a good deal of it is in the past. There are plenty of people to talk politics, both sides, yadda Yoda... But I just don't care about that sort of thing anymore. I have more important things (And people) to think about... To me it seems everything is going to hell anyway. And I? And I? I just want to hold onto whatever happiness, love, and belonging I can amid the figurative chaos and flames. It's not like I wouldn't wish for a parachute amid this crashing plane, (If not for myself then at least for those I love) but.... If that can't be arranged, then I'd much rather be holding and be held on my way to the inevitable. Deep down, nobody wants to be alone. Not even me. If that makes me an overgrown baby, then so be it. I am what I am. Anyway, between my messed up AC, this brutal heat, and a few heavy thoughts, I can't say I won the sleep lottery last night. I'm still gonna make my every effort to be positive today. But, just in case I start mumbling about brains and biting, just know I'm an honest zombie trying to get through life.... undeath... whatever. It is a ubiquitous presence in my heart. It can be beautiful but has a bit of an edge. It never really goes away. It's with me in the morning when I try to free myself of the fog and the haze. It's riding with me in my car past the lights and shapes of early dawn. It is with me in my confusion of getting my things together, getting my mind together for another eternity of a day. It is with me as I aimlessly wander. It is with me as I try to find my way home. It is with me and the setting sun. It is with me as I drift away to sleep. One thing can make it fade a while, but nothing can truly make it go away, this love I feel for her. You might be wondering, what makes her so special, so much better than all the rest? I'll tell you why. I will tell you everything I love about her. Surface wise she's got a beautiful face, a lovely smile and eyes I could get totally get lost in. Not to mention a lovely body that could be the perfect fit for my arms. She's charming, witty, with a sense of humor that matches my own. She's a giving person, constantly doing for others. But what's got me so freaking crazy for her is the depth of her feelings. I swear I have never seen a heart like this ever before in my life. And how I wish this deapest love were directed at me, but sadly it is not. I wonder what it would be like to live in an ideal world where every need is met and every puzzle has its place, where we are to each other everything we could have ever wanted in another, where everything falls into place and was always meant to be, where we feel as if we belong. Imagine light even on a stormy day and shelter that never goes away. Imagine having to look up lonely in the dictionary because you don't understand its meaning. What would such a universe feel like, and how could I build a quantum gateway to take me there? Please don't misunderstand. Consider this wall of text an exercise of self therapy, and nobody needs to read further. It's not like I want to complain. In a place like this, whining woe is me can seem over the top and silly to do so. You know? There was a time long ago when one could feel right at home expressing themselves, but times have kinda changed. Look at it this way, I write when I need to get something out of my head. I've got to say it somewhere. Besides, heavy thoughts seem lighter when converted into words. In short, I am tired, my friends. I'm tired of working towards nothing. I'm tired of running as hard as I can to stay in place, not to get ahead but merely to avoid falling behind. I am tired of things around me both figuratively and literally falling apart. I'm tired of my old house with its crappy wiring where I can't even use my oven and the non working AC. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of how it seems the only time people want to talk is when they want something from me. I am never left alone in the thousand ways I wish to be. Just in the one way I never wanted to be. Irony is a hell of a thing. When I say I want people to leave me alone, I only mean the ones who want to take away my only source of peace. Not the one who could very well be. Either way, I have made up my mind never to join their old grumpy crab club. Nope. Forever young, one way or another. I have to find happiness in this messed up life in the best way that I can. If that means living in a dream, then so be it. It could be that dreams are all I have left. And yes, I do know that loving her is futile. I understand I can't make anybody feel a certain way. I only wish I could make myself not feel that way about her. But, of course I can't. Guess I'll just spend the rest of my life feeling empty without her. See you christians can't scare me with hell. Because I am already there. I have been there for a very long time. These tiny glimpses of heaven only serve to remind me that this isn't heaven. I'm already in hell. It really is my home address. Oh well. So much for being positive today. Only I would be so foolish as to fall in love with a woman who does not love me back. Pretty faces are a dime a dozen. Sexy bodies are everywhere. But a heart like hers is a freaking miracle to find. In a mere instance of emotion, I have seen everything that could have been, but shall never be. The depth and honesty of her love will never be mine. That is the tragedy. That is what proves to me this universe was never designed by a divine, perfect god. To show me the possibility, but to rip it from me. This is not the work of a loving god who cares about me. To show me what I could have had and take it away. That's why this is hell.

Metaphorically speaking, I as Cosmic Wie, As Major Tom, I blast off into the sky in many different heroic ways... Emotional rocket fuel, boldly going, soaring high, every bit your hero to infinity and beyond. But, also metaphorically speaking, I really need to work on my landings. To put it bluntly, my landings suck. To call them crash landings would be an insult to crashes everywhere. Soaring high, flying low..... Wile E. Coyote - Super Genius. Hello, void, it's been a while since I last stood on this particular edge. Hello, there. Hello, hello, hello. Why do you answer only in echo? Gravity pulls me forward and the wind holds me back. What strange balance is this? What is my freaking problem? What is it, angel? What is it, my love? Damn it, I can't seem to get you out of my mind.  Just why do I love you in all these ways. It's not just that you're beautiful, that you have a smile that melts my heart, and such lovely brown eyes that touch my very soul. It is not just your lovely body and how you move that makes my heart want to race wildly. It is not just your wit and your charm, not just the kindness, caring and devotion you show to the ones you love. Not just any one of these wonderful things about you. But, it was the depth and realness of love and longing I saw in your eyes, so real and such depth I wish was meant for me. That is what made me fall in love with you. And now? What should I do? In all my life I have never seen someone so real, so genuine, deep, and true. If I were one to pray, you would be the answer. If I were one to hope, you would be the fulfillment. If I were one to wish, you would be the star that I wish upon. It is so hard to hold back this love I feel for you, so difficult to hide it from you. Instead I try to show it in other ways. I ask myself new ways to tell you and to show you, my deep caring and affection for you. I want to tell you outright that I love you, but the timing and the circumstance would be so very wrong. However loving the wonderful person that you are could never be wrong. You are beautiful on so many levels, outside, inside. Your very presence inspires me in so many ways. You are this wonderful dream, so very real... Just sadly not with me.