You know? If it were not for ties to family and responsibility, not for
ties to this land, not for familiar places and familiar places, there is
a part of me that would pick a payday and split for parts unknown, just a point on the compass with
no memory. They say you can't run from your troubles, but have I ever
even tried? Inertia holds me here, but my mind wonders, and my eyes
wander, just what might be over that seventh hill. I have been going through some rough stuff of late that nobody knows about. I think mainly because most of this has been going on in my mind, and it kinda magnifies my outer problems. Let me briefly summarize a few of them. Now, allow me to start with what should seem a positive, but is a good part of what holds me here. I own a house and some land. Land is land but the house is in shambles. Horrible wiring, terrible plumbing, damaged in some places due to a hurricane a few years back. Basically, it's a glorified shack. I suppose when I get my car paid off, I might could afford a small mobile home, but that's years away. I have another three years to pay off my car, and I had to get it because the motor in my old car went to hell. I work, but I barely cover the food and the bills with what I make. See, my job is only about a 15 minute drive from my house and the work is not so bad, considering some of the other places and things I have endured in the past, but I am barely living paycheck to paycheck. My days consist of work and home, maybe a trip to the grocery store. I am around a fair amount of my fellow human beings, but there is just so much disconnect, so much to see but never experience, smiling beauty that I can never touch. In short, I am so very lonely in this crowd. The loss of my mother and especially that of my baby sister still hurts deeply. She loved me to the point of vowing to kick the asses of certain people who were hurting me. It made me feel worried, but I have to admit, also loved. Even if I have been alone in a certain way for these past fifteen years, I could still say that I was loved by someone. I know it's not fair to have favorites among your kids or your siblings, but it really couldn't be helped. Maybe favorite isn't the exact word, but she was the family I was closest to, the one I did not fear telling almost everything. So, her loss hit me the hardest. And although I know it is irrational and incorrect to feel there is nobody left on this earth who truly loves me, I still feel this way. I truly apologize if this hurts anyone for me to say. I intellectually know people still do care. However, that's just not how it feels to me. There is a big difference between what I feel and what I know. There is no closeness, only disconnect. I live in a world that seems to have absolutely nothing to do with me, with the exception of work to do and whatever little money I have left to spend or to give. Otherwise I am alone in all the worst ways alone can be. What's more is I happen to love a woman who will not and can not return my feelings. It's not her fault. We can't help the way we feel or don't feel, right? I do not blame her. I blame myself for being stupid and falling for her anyway. Why, Why, Why did I have to go and catch feelings for her? Yes, she has that outer beauty, but that's not what caused me to fall so damned hard for this person. It was what I saw when I looked into her soul. That is the difference. Yes, I suppose that beauty that we can see at a glance, whether real or an
illusion, is something worth appreciating. I guess it is a start. I am a
guy, after all. But what can be more alluring than a pretty face, a
beautiful smile, or a lovely set of eyes one can get totally lost in, is
the realness, the depth of emotion one can see in them, the unspoken
wish, the immense love, even if not for you, well, that's the most
beautiful thing, and that realness of emotion can be so very endearing.
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, and "They" are right.
Why? Because the beautiful person one can see there could upstage any
supermodel, outshine any gravure idol. And that is how I fell in love with a woman who could never possibly love me back. Oh, am I so damned smart, huh? What is life? I mean, really? If life is supposed to be a punishment, then the powers that be are doing a damn fine job indeed. But who would want to hear about all this from me? I well understand we all have problems and that nobody wants to hear me cry or complain. So I refrain from doing so as best I can within earshot of others. But I have to talk about this somewhere. I suppose that's what therapists are for, but again... Money issues. Dearest Doctor Blog-ieo, you have been with me for this entire journey, far more than any human being. If you were human, you would know me best now that my dearest sister is gone. You might infer that I've been thinking some heavy thoughts, dangerous to no one but me. You may even hear the echos of rashness and desperation, of a willingness to do almost anything to free myself from this deadlock. You may know too that if demons and devils were real, I would be most willing to make a deal. Name your terms, spirit. As they used to say on daytime TV, Let's Make A Deal. Yes, I know nothing is perfect. However, nothing is as it may seem to be either. It is hard to see
the inside from the outside. It is sometimes even harder to see the
outside from within. Sometimes, good and bad, I see only what I expect
to see. Elsewhere and else wise, I am really flying blind and winging it
the best I can, fueled only by the hope I will find a way. Hope is something I need right now. I really need to feel there is going to be more to this life, that I will finally find the love that I need so badly. How long can a human soul live without hope? How long can the human heart live without love? There's no facts and figures, are there? Not for love. Now with food, water, and oxygen: It is commonly agreed that a human being needs these to live. One can even look up the approximate remaining lifespan one would have without these. As for the rest, there is some difference of opinions. Some of us are strong enough to survive years, even decades. How long? I guess I will know or know not when this great experiment is over. But if there are any scientists involved, it's gonna be Nerd Vs. Nerd and we're gonna fight. It has been fifteen years since a marriage that I fully expected to stay in for a lifetime suddenly fell apart and left me in the worst emotional pain I had known up until then. It has been 12 days shy of two and a half years since my baby sister died unexpectedly, which made the pain of my divorce seem trivial and minor. I cannot describe how much losing her hurt me. There just is no scale at all... So back to my question: How long can one live without love? How long? I don't know, but in one way I can say at least 15 years. In another, I can say at least two and a half.
(So if anybody ever asks why, you've got the answer here)
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