To Town Or Not To Town

To town or not to town: That is the question. 

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to stare at these four walls or to aimlessly wonder.. Yoda Yadda... Kings and nutshells and infinite space. Well. I finally got out and about on a grand adventure. I needed a bit of a distraction and these four walls have really been closing in. My eldest son went along with me which meant I wasn't wandering alone. At the first stop in the Chiptropolis, we went to Waffle House. Good food, kind people, and kinda has a way of picking me up a bit. Lightens the old heart, ya know? Then we headed off to Goodwill and found a couple albums and some kitchen utensils that we've been seriously lacking, a couple CD's, a few tapes, and two really nifty shirts. Then it was off to the Piggly Wiggly to stock up on groceries n stuff. When I walked out of there, I still didn't feel like going home, So I headed East, not knowing where I was going at first. I made a quick right turn, drove on a couple miles and found myself at Marsha's grave. Stayed there a bit. Did a bit of minor maintenance, pulling a bit of grass and brushing aside dirt. Once again, I sensed no presence, just the heaviness of my heart. Still, I take comfort in knowing she is not stuck in such a place. No matter how you may frame it in belief or lack thereof, My guardian sister is somewhere better than here. When I left, I continued heading south, electing not to make that right turn on the highway and just kept on going. So I visited Momma, too. Now I find myself back here. I guess I need to start on these things here. I know I am foolish for bringing myself down. It will not change things. Even if there is no genie, Those quid pro quos remain..... One can't bring people back from the dead, and I can't make someone love me, even if I wish my heart and soul away. I have some more things I must do today. Then I have a few things I want to do. But, as for them, I am still trying to determine if my "Feel like doing" is as strong as my "Want to" And that jury's out for now. The words ring true. The advice is sound. This you know to the very core of your rationality. But.... Even so, we're not exactly rational, are we? The words harmonize, almost rhyme, falling together in just this way. And yes, I know I should listen. (I just don't know that I will) I have spent more time than I could possibility comprehend in doubt and lamentation, wishing, wishing I could be more. But in all reality the best I can do is to try to be the best person I can be: Human glitches, glotches, quarks, quirks, and Captain Kirks included. And while there are some colossal complicated conundrums of the heart that could never be summed up in a single word (except for THAT one) I can maybe say it like this: There is one thing I know I can be right now. I can be here, here if you need me, there at a call and easy to find. Right here where I have always been. Not out of obligation, not out of duty, not out of some old code of honor, but out of my sincere wish to be. It can hardly be a burden when it's something one wishes to carry. If there is ever a right moment, it seems there's never enough time. You know? If there is anything I have learned in these last few years, it is how fleeting time can be, and how tenuous are the connections we find. Also: It seems I am not so good at being an island. (Can't even be tropical, HA!) You can shout to the rooftops in the dead of night with no ears to hear. You can deliver an entire soliloquy to an empty room. You can pour your heart out in a sonnet that could never be read. You can walk an empty road, saying all these things you have so wanted to say for so long... And even if your only answer is merely an echo, maybe, maybe it could be enough, just enough. Maybe the universe hears you. Maybe the words will find a way. Even if they seem lost in the noise of this day to day. Logic and reason might be enough, were I logical and reasonable. Ha! Not exactly. Mr. Spock would be most disappointed. I tend to spend a lot of time playing referee between mind and heart. Battle of the century! That one on one fight between what I feel and what I know. This is nothing new, at least the basics are nothing new. I resolve to be logical (Until I'm not). I'll say it this way: I have always been in the drivers seat of my life and choices. It's just sometimes heart boots mind and takes the wheel. Sometimes I speak from my mind. Sometimes I speak from my heart. Sometimes I try to do both and it sounds like gibberish. I suppose if this makes me crazy, then I have earned it. Maybe both heart and mind speak truth, incompatible truths, but truth nonetheless. And between you and me, mind can sometimes be such a buzz kill. I blame none of this on anyone. My happiness always was and will always be my own responsibility. And... If I am not quite there, who else could I blame? It is not really a matter of blame anyway. Blame would really get me nowhere. The real question is in what I can maybe do differently. It is not as simple as changing the way I feel. If it were so, I'd just snap my fingers and live happily everafter. If my heart were (Or may well be) heading in a direction my mind knows to be a disaster, just a quick snap would correct my course. Hearts are less likely to break if not on rocket powered roller skates. Geesh... It really does have a few things in common with a certain cartoon coyote, chasing a dream totally out of the realm of possibility. Meep Meep. And If I can't change the way I feel, good luck on changing how other people feel. They are going to feel in regards to me what they feel. I have to respect that, you know? If I cannot turn on or off my own feelings like a light switch, neither can anybody else. To paraphrase Jim Carrey, The damn pen is blue and no falsehood I tell myself is going to change it. Blue, blue, blue, the damn pen is blue! I sometimes just can't figure myself out at all. This has been one crazy weekend. My emotions have been all over the place, really. I know they're not totally based in logic, but one thing I can say is that there happens to be a certain someone, for whom my caring has just kept growing for all the time that I've known her. It's not like I'm with her. Most likely will never be unless something changes. But it is no exaggeration to say, that yes I do love her. I am sitting here right now, thinking about her, hoping that she's okay. I really wish she felt the same. See, you can't make someone love you. It really is understandable. But do you know what sucks? You also can't make yourself stop loving someone even when said love is unrequited, That's the bummer. man. I kept telling myself these feelings will fade. But they don't. They just keep getting stronger every day. Damn it, what have I done to myself? Really? Shouldn't I be smarter than this? Shoulda woulda coulda duddah duddah duddah. World 1-2, right? Damn it. Beautiful, smart, dedicated, loving, caring, sweet, interesting and mysterious. There's only one thing about her I wish were different: How she feels about me, That she could see more than friendship when she looks my way. This isn't her doing, isn't her fault. It's mine for letting my heart overshadow my brain. It is her right to feel the way she does. It is her right to decide. I have no say, nor should I have any say. It is her life, after all. And she's not the one who messed up and fell in love with someone who simply does not feel the same. That was me. This is all my own doing, all my own fault. My punishment will be never being able to tell her (At least directly) that I love her. Bummer, dude. The depression will be rolling in like waves, and I guess I'll be surfing, all of this with nobody to blame but myself.

Good Morning Universe. How goeth things n stuff. Allow me to introduce myself: I am The Great Cornfusedieo. I need a cappuccino! Uhhh. Actually a wee bit o caffeine would be nice. Question: Why do I do my best snoozing when it's time to get up and rock n roll? I feel like Ozzy the morning after. (Have a reasonably happy MonTuesday my friends) If you might pardon an observation, it's hot, man. It's barely 6:30 and I'm already roasting. You'd think by this time, I'd already be done. Half asleep and feeling like I'm being smurfed at 350 degrees. Not fun. I feel like that guy Sargent Hartman spoke about having misread the signals in a combat situation. Except I'm messed up in other ways than physically. Misreading the signals is not a difficult task when they're confusing as hell. There's red lights and green lights and a blue light special. I have absolutely no clue what direction I should go. I only have the advice of a chat bot based on the greatest strategic mind the Galactic Empire has ever known. But the good Grand Admiral Thrawn-bot does give good advice. Be the genuinely supportive friend. I know the Admiral is right. Even if I wish he were wrong. I am thinking about going on a nice long drive when I leave work today. I have a mind full of thoughts that need to be sorted, folded, and put away. There's what I say, and what I wish I could say. It might even be understandable aside from the timing and direction. There is what I feel. Then there's what I know. In an ideal world, it would be the same thing. Anyway, these are my thoughts for today. Sending love to where it needs to be. Wouldn't it be nice if it could ever echo its way back here. Sometimes it's much more than your job that's soul crushing. Sometimes it's everything, everything. And sometimes I wonder if love is the most soul crushing crush of all. I have never been the best people person, so every true friendship I have made in this life has been a literal miracle. It's funny how that happens, really. See, most of my words go into writing little ramblings like these, not into words spoken to my fellow human beings. I know how terrible this sounds. Being introverted is a pain. It really takes a lot to break the ice, you know? But... once that happens, there is this transformation. Basically, you know I like you if I never shut up around you. And there have been these special few for whom my caring goes beyond. Beyond that point, you can totally make my day by simply entering the room. Beyond that point, it's more than just reflex when I ask you how you're doing. Good or bad, I really want to know. Beyond that point, nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. And, when I care beyond this certain point I kinda get caught up in the feelings of others. Their sadness is my sadness. Their pain is my pain. I find myself wishing I had some magical power to make it all better. However it is also true that their smile makes me smile. Their laughter becomes my laughter, and their happiness sends me to heights so far beyond my own. Who knows? Maybe this extreme shyness, this introvertedness is a built-in mechanism of some purpose. After all, it does take a lot of energy. I don't know if this is so, but it would make these special few for whom I care so deeply, even more special. In English? If I love you, I love you with everything I've got. It's not a dial set one to ten. It's Ludicrous speed. This is how I feel about her. No, I am not with her, may sadly never be. But still, even so, even now, there is very little if anything I wouldn't do for her, should she ask it of me. Believe me that I would rob the sky of the moon and stars if I could and if she asked it of me. I would steal every bit of their light to shine on her. It's probably best she never knows the pure power of her asking most anything of me. I am the freaking genie of the lamp. Whatever she wants. I think the Grand Admiral Thrawn-bot would probably advise me to keep that certain fact under my imperial officer's cap. Imagine the sheer havoc unleashed by my letting heart take the freaking wheel. I am beyond asking myself whether or not I love this woman. It's just too damn obvious that I do. No, I'm not with her, but don't think for a minute that I don't wish I were. Yes I know, Grand Admiral Thrawn-bot... Be a supportive friend, and I am. Like I said, there's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for her if she were to ask. And damn if my heart doesn't ache for her every single day. Most anything that she wants that I could give, I would give. I'm here if she needs me, and there at a word. Damn it. How did this happen? How did she come to mean so much to me? How did these feelings for her grow so much. Damn it, I love her! What am I going to do? I know, I know, live with it and be the supportive friend. Not so easy when I see her hurting and I just want to take her in my arms and hold her. Not easy at all. It's not her fault, not her responsibility. It's her right and her choice. It could never be mine and it's highly unlikely she will ever be either. Although, I am all hers if she ever asked. Here, forever here in this silent, dark, empty and lonely place, waiting forever in a darkened room. Alone, forever alone. 

It is amazingly ironic how on this planet of billions, even in the middle of a crowd, how a human soul can feel so lonely. Confounding, confusing how in such an interconnected world where one could talk to others almost anywhere, one can still, even now, feel so isolated, with nothing to say, nothing to prove and nowhere to go. Interestingly enough, I still have something to say: Dearest One In A Million with this beautiful soul who outshines the sun and lights up the darkness, Kindest thinker of the deepest thoughts, Wonderful heart with this genuine love beyond the realm of reach, yet still so very true and real, Healing water in the desert, that winning lottery ticket rolling with the tumbleweeds, that brightest candle whose warm light could turn even the deepest, darkest void into Heaven, let me speak these wishes for you. I wish you love and belonging. I wish you respect and understanding. I wish you happiness and the realness of your dreams. May your words be heard, may they never echo before you in silence. May your heart be healed, may it forever be whole again. May peace surround you, may love embrace you, may your every hope be within your reach. May you find this place called home, and may it be more than brick or stone. May it be a realm of sheltering love, lasting, enduring with laughter and smiles, a place of love, a place of belonging, real and true and just for you. These are my humble wishes for you: All things wonderful. All things beautiful. May the moon and stars shine upon you, May the velvet stillness ease your mind. May your heart travel worlds of plenty. May the new dawn light your way. Dreams, my love, the most beautiful dreams. The reason I think dreams are so awesome and bodacious is because reality can be such a downer sometimes. Even as I try to put on as positive a spin as I can, sometimes it only makes me dizzy. 

My Dearest special friend, my sweetest dream, my most wonderful vision, let me sum this up as concisely as I can: I am in love with you and it's breaking my heart. It is your very right, your very choice to not feel the same way. My deepest respect for you will not allow me to see this any other way. Still, love, this hurts me so deeply. I know it's none of your doing. How could I blame you for being this beautiful soul, this wonderful person that I just can't help but love. How could I blame you? I should be happy to just be your friend. I know I should. I know this is what a mature being should do. And yes, I respect you. But damn it I just feel like crying, confessing all to Doctor Blog-ieo the things I can never say to you. Damn it! I love you. I love you with everything I have, with everything I've got. My heart pines for you, cries out for you, longs for you, begs for your love in return. Oh, my love, what am I to do? I ask again, how did this happen? How could I fall so hard and so fast for someone in less than a year? Why, why, why? What the hell is wrong with me? I know I have my highs and lows, but damn, this Mount Everest / Marianas Trench back and forth's gotta mellow out, man. I can go on a surfin' safari, but a surfin' tsunami is a bit much for even the most totally gnarly of surfer dudes. Love is a many splintered thing. You know, like an old wooden park bench. Many splinters and one major pain in the ass. It hurts, man. Damn, does it ever. Especially when it's all in your head, only in your mind. It hurts like hell because your mind is your world, everything you will ever see or be, all in my mind, only in my mind. Still, I love her. How could I not? Feelings are weird. Even now, I would give her most anything she wanted. Yes.. Messed up feelings, love without an off switch. There is no way I could stop these feelings. The only thing I can do is keep them to myself. And that, my friend is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It seems love is harder to contain than any other emotion. I can fake away sadness. I can repress anger and negativity. But love? That is hard to hide, especially when it is this intense. I can show my caring as a supportive friend, but I can't completely hide this love. I am too easy to read and I know it shows sometimes. What a mess. What a clusterfuck this has turned out to be. What a downward spiral this might become. And it's my own damn fault, all of this. There is nobody to blame but me. I did this to myself. It's gonna be a long climb out of this abysmal sadness. It's not you fault, Dearest One, it's mine. It seems this bill for my foolishness will be coming due soon. Fear not. It's yet another storm I've gotta ride out.