I think a decision not to go and not to do can be just as important, just as correct, as the affirmative alternate. Moments and circumstances do change, and I really don't see it as a negative thing. If you need to take some time, then you really should. And... I have decided that a bit of time, a lot of silence, along with some reflection and sorting out is just what this human needs today. Besides, maybe if I delay my errands to tomorrow, maybe I can convince one or more of my boys to come along. One does grow weary of going places alone. Not that it's always bad, but my self-insistence of being the Neil Diamond described 'Solitary Man' does wear a bit thin sometimes. Meanwhile, today will be a good day for getting my mind on straight. I do admit I can go out on some unique tangents sometimes. Always have. Creative thinking has never been a weakness for me. (Though it sure can mess up the day to day 'realistically important' kind of thinking) That's when the great Cosmic Wie has to come down to Earth. (A bit of context: Cosmic Wie is a reference to both the Futurama Episode "Luck Of The Fryish" and Wie, a region of Trantor in Asimov's "Prelude to Foundation") That Futurama episode was already heavy, heavy. Then I lost my sister. Now that heaviness could bend the light around the stars. And Wie? Well, that's just where I'd live if I were a Trantorian.
Do you know what a real friend is? That's when the masks come off, when you can be yourself, And they are comfortable seeing the true you, when they don't pretend you don't exist.. It is also when they feel they can be themselves around you, that they trust you with that self. (It's quite an honor when they do) I'm not saying you can be a jerk to them for it is not ugliness but truth. You see, there is a certain game face a lot of us have to put on (When we go out into the world) It is so much more than a mask. You've just about got to clothe yourself in this persona... It takes a lot of energy to do so. It can take a lot out of you. And it says a lot about people... (Either if you feel a need to keep it on when they're around) (Or if it's them that never reveal themselves to you). That is the difference between an acquaintance and a friend. That is how you determine the closeness of any relationship. As I said, not all relationships are created equal... Either they are real, or you're just going through the motions. And with that in mind I give this shoutout to the few and the wonderful.... those still here, and those I miss so much, Those I could trust without a second thought, and brought me great honor by trusting me. You truly made these long years worthwhile and I thank you. And also, you know what? I love you... And that pretty much it. I guess I can kinda understand why some might want to memorialize a loved one as a chatbot... But I don't think I could do that. I have their pictures. I even have their voices. With Marsha, I even have her plays, her writings, and hopefully her Sims characters (Though I need a copy of The Sims 2 and a bit of good luck restoring her data to truly bring them back)... But a chatbot? I don't know. AI might could capture her voice, might could even read her words in that voice. I even remember the anime series, "CHOBITS" a good series otherwise where a side character recreated his lost big sister as this robot, even partially believing it was her, but a machine could never replace my baby sister. Robot, android, or chatbot, no matter how they might try. I think it would only remind me she is gone.... And I need no more reminders. I have never realized any fact more clearly. As for my mother, I can still hear her words in my mind, especially when I am about to do something dumb. Momma always had these catchphrases, probably known only to myself, my remaining sister, my kids, and my nieces and nephews. Maybe my Granny once said them too. Who knows how far up the family tree some of them go? I still remember while raising these boys, finding myself saying some of them and thinking a second later, "There goes Momma." Nope... I don't think even the world's fastest quantum computer could ever come close to them. They'll invent pocket fusion reactors, the teleporter, warp drive, and the holodeck first.
In a time that may seem ancient to many of you, but was in the blink of an eye to me, "Try Again, Space Cadet" only had power while you still had quarters in literal cents. Still, the concept stands in a figurative sense. Just replace quarters with time. Don't think you can't buy time. The rich do so all the time by affording irate medical bills, and proper treatment otherwise shamed and stigmatized. Yes, rich cadets can stay in this arcade a longer time, and have better games to play. A blink of an eye ago, in the galaxy, milky way. A Space Cadet named Cosmic Wie took off for outer space. This voyage began meticulously, almost too ridiculously, a finally detailed plan. Then by strange temporal anomaly this voyage in that tin can, by random chance and rarity, by gravity, singularity, by ignorance and charity, and far too recent clarity beyond the Earth's domain, found a would-be hero lost in space and slowly going insane. Any resemblance to actual people (living or dead on their feet) is pure coincidence. Quarters made of time and no sense at all remaining for this pointless game. And what does it matter anyway? Many of my favorite characters are gone already. I am but a collection of shadows and light and reflections of the ones I love, the ones who either defined me by their appearance in my life, presence in my life, or by their leaving. And there are a certain few (for whose definition upon my heart) were and are of all three. A stranger you pass on the street. An acquaintance you may know their name. A friend you can be fond of. But, when you love someone? That's both light and shadow in the making. Just a collection of thoughts from my slowly powering down mind, one cell at a time, kinda ready for a reboot and a reset.. It has been one funhouse ride, my friends. The nerds in charge must have been high, leaving to me the what, when, and why. Still, I've gotta fly. Not a minute of training, but got a cool hat, so hey, hey, I'm your guy. It's all the same til you glitch out of the game, forget your name, or go insane. How does it feel to be bored in yet warden of your very own wonderland? A magical realm where only we patients understand. Welcome home, friend. I'm like Dante from Clerks. Am I even supposed to be here today? David Lee Roth once sang (To Eddie Van Halen's guitar) about going to the edge, of seeing a few friends there who didn't always come back. I've seen it. I've walked it. I am staring into that abyss right now. And even now, even now, never before in my life has it seemed more inviting, beckoning me, summoning me, calling me, those open arms I could never see anywhere else, loud in the silence of the remainder of the universe. A fish out of water, a man out of time, out of my league and out of my mind, and oh so far out of the way. Ah, but here I am and here I'll stay, until gravity wins. I am a special kind of relic, Generation X all the way and more. Because in addition to 80's new wave, hair bands, 90's grunge, oldskool hip hop and pop and all that other awesomeness from my childhood, I'm also into my father's classic rock and country, and my mother's bubblegum music. So, if you think I'm old, a lot of my music is even older. A-wha? Oh my yes. Yep... If I break into song for 1-2-3 red-light... Just deal. I think my VCR of life has upgraded to DVD. Why? Because it seems I skipped scene on yesterday. Just got to feeling bad from either the heat, inner tummy gymnastics, certain situations, or another Mother's Day without my Momma. For either reason or all of them, I felt a bit woozy and pretty much passed out in my bed under the fan. The next thing I knew, it was 7-ish last night. Got up, put on an audiobook, and konked right back out, and it was morning and time to come to work. I would imagine y'all feel this way sometimes. So don't you just hate this out of sorts under the weather feeling?
Apparently, I got home from work, tripped over my bed, and fell into a time warp vortex. It's like somebody flipped the sun off with a light switch. One minute, it was threeish. Now it's nineish, almost tennish. Tennish, Anyone? You can not be serious! But hey, I actually woke up feeling good, so I guess I needed that... In fact, I feel like I could go for another flip around the continuum. Well, after falling into a second time warp, I have to say I really needed that. I'm so glad to be feeling better. Yesterday was rough, man! One total bummer in temporal form. And why, why, why, do the powers that be pick the day you're feeling at your worst to pummel the daylights outta you? But today, I woke up feeling human and hungry... Two states of being I have not felt in a number of days. Random thought: Does anyone else think as I do? There is a good amount of computer generated art that I like, even love. But, there is this large subset that I find mildly disturbing. A subset of this subset would be mascots and avatars. No, not those overgrown smurfs. La la la la la la. Why not just use anime instead? That would be over 9000 more to my liking. Oh well, billions of people. Billions of opinions. Which brings me to this question. As one of billions, in a world overstuffed with we billions. Ain't it a bummer we can still be lonely? Go figure, go fish. I would simply hope the adage, "Just because something is old doesn't mean you throw it away," applies to humans as well as things. It most certainly applies to MY humans. Ah, hell. It's not like my youth and beauty was ever the focus of anybody's interest. (Except for maybe that one weirdo stalker when I went to the vo-tech school) (But like Fight Club, we don't talk about that) I guess I'll say this much: I was angry and freaked out back then, kinda shocked someone like myself would be the subject of interest in that way, with someone wanting to do in a physical sense, the same damn thing others most certainly did to me in the mental, emotional, and spiritual sense. Yes, it pissed me off back then, and even if my preference changed today, the dude still wouldn't be my type. Nope, not into dudes, but if I were, I'd certainly have a type. Still, said Silver Lining being that someone must have seen me as beautiful and sexy for at least once, huh?
Well, next up in the exciting mundane adventures of The Human (tm) My father got a good report. He's got a ways to go, but he's making steady progress healing. He goes back in 2 weeks. Now I'm back home and going to try to both literally and figuratively let some sunshine in (if the rain's moved on) I've got some stuff to do around here... A good case of the blues and I tend to let everything go to Hades... Then I look around and the vicious circle can turn in to a snowball... And it's just too damn hot for that... The only way to stop it is to give myself a good swift kick in the butt... When it looks better, I will feel better. I've just gotta kick those blues. Just not in the way Eric Clapton recommends. It's true I've been thinking those heavy thoughts, of what-ifs and resets, of Yaddas and Yodas, of this and that and this. (And like so). The glass is half full, half empty, and spilled out on the floor. Must be Schrodenger's Glass. A superposition of this human condition. But, Hey hey, I'm okay. Kinda similar to that dude in that Monty Python movie. Just a flesh wound, my friends. Well, not exactly flesh... More like spirit. Yep. Just a spirit wound, my friends. So long as you're not me (And be happy you're not) you've got nothing to worry about. It's just a teensy weensy little breakdown. I'm used to that sort of thing. Or maybe I'm just sitting around feeling sorry for myself? Maybe. I suppose I am a little too old to be immature, but hey it happens sometimes. Age is no guarantee of anything. Unless of course we're talking about exclusion and waning chances, right? It sucks to not be old enough to have my head together, yet be too freaking old for a lot of other things. So, which is it, really? There are just some places, some life events, a lot of things that were never for me, you know. They weren't for me in my youth, yet they're sure as hell not for me here in my apparent middle age either. I do not expect to deserve the perfect life or anything like that. I understand a lot of things some people think I don't. Believe me, it comes up in the dialogue of my thoughts often enough. Do you want to know a secret? Do you promise not to tell? Well, well, here it is. The older I get, the more I think of this blog as one of the longest (One of those) notes ever. See, something is gonna soon have to give. And I kinda worry it just might be me. All hail the great reset button. The very fabric of kings (And queens) and reasons and rhymes and possibilities. Okay.... Cosmic Wie, You need to correct course.
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