Coming back to myself is a little like waking from a dream. I guess it also can involve literally just that. See, I made it through another 23rd of January, got home, and was out before the sun went down. See, a side effect of heavy thoughts is they kinda wear me out. Sleep, deep sleep, is the next ingredient. It was definitely what I needed as I woke up feeling rested and a bit lighter in my heart. I can't exactly know why I feel better, but I won't question it. You may have noticed my weirdness level has gotten more and more the closer the 23rd got. But now, I have made it through that day of all days. And now I just feel more at peace than I have in a while. There will be a couple of rough spots ahead, but spring is coming. You see, spring does for this old heart the same thing it does for the grass, trees, and flowers. May we all get through our rough days and may we all find our Spring. Much love everyone. This goes double for all those who were kind and patient with me when they didn't have to be. As for the assholes? Go to hell. And in the immortal words of Forest Gump, that's all I got to say about that. Man, there have been some confusing times in my life, especially in my distant past. But there are even moments of the here and now that seem to rival even that past. I guess when it's all you have, it's really all you have and you damned well better hold onto whatever you can. Especially if it brings happiness, even if for only fleeting moments. It seems my present day is all about running out the clock because the part that mattered was over long before I even knew what it meant. The game is long over and I'm just left with whatever lifespan. I might as well cling to whatever joy there is to be had. That means being true to myself. That means seeing myself in the looking glass, hearing myself when I speak.... And knowing full well in my soul that yes.... This is me. The older I get, the less sense this mold makes, and the less purpose this role has. Of all the confusion there is or ever was, one thing is crystal clear: I know who I am. The question upon those lines has been answered for a long time now. Of all the doubts in this world, there is none as to who I see before me, the color of this soul, of each point of light that graces my heart. Ladies and Gentlemen, This is me. You can either know me or not. It makes no difference to what I am whether you see me or not. I know the aura of my own soul. Nobody has to approve, disapprove, or even acknowledge. A human being is a wondrous entity. There is so much more to us than meets the eye. And the best part? We're not all carbon copies of each other. How boring would that be? Look, It's not about pushing one's worldview on others. In fact this has much more to do with one's own life than it ever had to do with projecting a persona. Besides: Not everyone wishes to be on display like that. Why should I be front page news? How often is that a good thing? Almost never. So... Here's the deal: You be you, and I'll be me. Go ahead and let your own life be governed by your strongly held opinions and beliefs. Nobody is going to stop you. It is when it stops being you and starts being me that the decision becomes mine. The whole concept of freedom is not prefaced with "....So long as you do things my way." You do your way and I'll do my way. This whole idea of having to fit in with a bunch of incompatible people just irks me. I mean really. If you can't be yourself in your own circle, that doesn't make you a square. It only means it's time to elope with another ellipse. You know change scares the hell out of me. Still, there comes a time when it is necessary. Then there is the question of how to go about it. There is a reason I have stayed put for such a long time. This situation is a good deal more complicated than people might think. How can I put this without coming right out with it? I'm....... different. Yes, I think that is an apt way to put it. Different. And because of this difference, what worked for me in the past can never work for me in the future. In my current job, the pay is crappy and the hours outright suck. But.... It's close to home. There is no going out of town and sharing a motel room with a stranger. I am also kind of isolated here, and that is most certainly a good thing. It all boils down to privacy, and in privacy, I can be my true self. I get so few chances to be me as it is. I also like going home at the end of the day. I like my quiet time. I like my me time. The idea of having to spend days on end among strangers who would never understand is absolutely terrifying. This whole tightrope walk that I have to do would be so much easier if assholes quit playing with the line.
I'm not sure what message my subconscious is trying to tell me, but it seems my recurring dreams have been having recurring themes.
1. Going back to smoking (bad for me)
2. Going back to my ex (Worse for me)
3. Going back to my old job (Hmmmm? so-so)
4. Going back to high school (WHAT?)
The latter dream even included my getting a text from my original homeroom teacher saying something about "New Life Sciences 101" (What the heck is that?). Texts? What texts? I graduated more than three decades ago! That's like talking about SONAR on the Titanic. My repeating dreams have certainly been big on encores. I've seen Momma, I've seen Marsha, I've seen my Marlboro reds in the box, and I've seen my ex. The former two are always welcome visitors that make me happy, though I tend to wake up feeling bad because it was only a dream. The latter two are persona non grata that I could die happy never seeing again. As for my old high school, I'd only want that if I could have back my youth, my mother, my sister, and 1991. If it's still 2024, then it's all pointless. The theme seems to be all about repeating my past, something I'd rather not do. I'd rather have something new and exciting (in the good way) (Please not in the bad way) to make my life seem new again. Conversely, I could use a bit more peace and tranquility, too. Hell, I guess I don't know what I want, only what I don't, which is more of the same. Why repeat the same experience over and over again, especially the unpleasant ones? I can see repeating the good stuff. Just not the boring or painful experiences. If I've been there and done that, I do not want to go back there and do it again. What I'm saying is that life should be about so much more than keeping the demons at bay and the wolf away from the door. If that's all there is, then why do we bother at all? I once again forgot to put the food I left out to thaw into the crock-pot this morning. I also forgot to bring my lunch again, but luckily, I had time to run by the store on my way in. I swear if I get much more absent-minded and forgetful, y'all can just put me in a home. I'd like to consider myself to be a reasonable human being. I wouldn't guess I'm the best judge as you know how the closest can be the last to see. Still... Whoever that was with the bright lights that would put an arc welder to shame aimed right down my employer's driveway where everybody was trying to see where the heck they were going trying to get here..... Well, I was having some mean thoughts my mother wouldn't have approved of. Sometimes, it is unironically reasonable to be irate. But I still kept quiet and was nice. Still, I have afterimages from them lights worthy of an acid trip. Not that I've ever done acid, but it's what I would imagine it to be. Oh well, I'm rambling, aren't I? Good morning? Yeah it's eight o'clock at night.
I miss my baby sister no less now than I do on any January 23rd. I guess on the 23rd, These flashbacks get a lot more vivid. I just find myself back in that little room holding her hand, entertaining the false hope that because she squeezed my hand back in reflex that maybe that meant she was coming back to me, kicking my own ass for foolishly thinking that since my elderly father survived this sickness, so would my little sister. I should have been by her side the moment she was hospitalized. I overcame my anxiety and braved the traffic for my mother and my father. I damn sure should have overcame my anxiety for my baby sister too. But still, I thought she was going to be okay. Foolish, so goddamn foolish. I am not so arrogant to think I could have saved her by being by her side sooner, but she was my kindred sibling of the universe, and I should have been there in whatever capacity anyway. I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life. It makes me feel so hollow. I know she wouldn't want me to feel this way. I also know that kicking my own ass is not doing her any favors. Still, I can't seem to help it. January is soon to be over once again. There are these next few weeks and the warmth of spring, the brightness of the colors. The monotone gloominess of January will take its proper place in the past. There will hopefully be moments when it seems distant. But there will always be a part of me that never left that little hospital room where I lost the best friend I ever had. It is something I am learning to live with the best I can. There is no getting over something like that. There is just this learning to live with the finality of it all. The reason I go through the effort is because of what I know she would wish for me. While I know I am not exactly the awesome older sibling she viewed me as, I still wish to try to be. I wouldn't spend the energy doing this for myself. But for her, I will. She would want me to live and live well and she would tell me to stop beating up on myself for things I just can't change now. I know this because I know her. Still it is the most difficult thing ever. I would like to thank all the friends, Romans, robots, and strangers who have made it this far through all my ramblings. I know this gets weird and rough sometimes. You are all princes among men, princesses among women, and proud farm girls of Robonia, a land you most certainly didn't make up. Kudos to you and much love.... May we all find the peace and rest we most desperately desire.
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