This Day Of All Days

It's January 23rd..... Again.

Hi Sis, It's me. 

As you can imagine, I am a bit of a mess today. I know you wouldn't want me to be like this, but I can't really help it. I just miss you. It's been two years but time is strange. Time most certainly does not heal this loss. I think of you, of all your plans, hopes, and dreams. I think of everything you put your heart and soul into. I think of that little hospital room, of the walls closing in and of losing you. Yes, time is strange because part of me will be in that room forever. I hope that somewhere in this Universe you are happy and at peace. I hope too that it is possible we'll meet again. I see our kinship to be of far more than merely the biological, but also cosmological. Maybe I'm crazy. I honestly wouldn't doubt it these days. And let's just say I haven't been very happy with myself. I have been thinking those heavy thoughts. You would know the thoughts I mean. Our similar wiring tells me you've had those thoughts too. We were always there to talk the other through such thoughts. Now I just have this blog. I can escape a lot of things, even people, but I can never get away from myself or the harsh limitations of reality. I sometimes wish I could actually afford a real vacation. But then again, no matter how far away I go, I'm quite sure I'd still be me. I'd absolutely love to spend a couple of weeks being someone else. There have been rare people (mainly you) who used to say I was awesome just as I was. I never quite understood what they saw in me, but I did my best to live up to their vision. Now, there is nothing left but words unsaid and defunct phone numbers and memories of those long gone. The 23rd is a rough day. I must apologize in advance if I am acting even more weird than I normally am. Hearts and minds remain mysteries, especially my own. As you may have gathered, I tend to spend several days cobbling together my disjointed thoughts before I post them in this blog. Therefore, I'm sure the 23rd will have come and gone by then. But from where I am sitting, it's today. Two years, Sis, two years. Sometimes the years disappear altogether, it happened yesterday, no doubt tomorrow too. Sometimes, the years stretch out to infinity, and it seems forever ago that I stood by your side and held your hand, hoping you knew I was there, foolishly hoping I could bring you back. The years disappear, and I could swear I am back in that room with the walls closing in and wanting to scream, to loudly shout down the reality of losing you, to make it flee before me. Damn and curse this reality, that sadistic liar, that cruel thief, even now I curse it. But what is now.. is it 2024 or 2022? I can't see the difference. Damn that day and to hell with 2022. If it were a person, I would kick its ass all over a Tallahassee hospital parking lot. Damn that day. I am so angry with that day and monumentally pissed at myself, too. Surly, I could have done better by you, surely I should have been by your side from the beginning. But I let false logic lull me, that since our elderly father recovered, you, eight years my junior, would too. I was wrong, and I hate myself for it. You were the one person who truly believed in me. It was amazing to see myself through your eyes. You saw what I could never see. I only wish I could have lived up to that vision. Now, it seems everything is gone, and if I keep on with this subject, I'm going to be one hell of a weepy mess. I wish I had been worthy. Please forgive me, Sis. Okay, okay, okay. Subject change, please. Clean cup move down. The hatter is madder than ever, and I'm afraid Alice is a bit out of sorts today. Give her some time, please. I think that by simply putting January behind me will be doing a world of good. As the world warms, as the land greens, as the flowers bloom, you will see a side of me that I actually feel good about sharing. Chipper, happy, and not so much of a buzz kill. Photography is a hobby of mine, and I am looking forward to sharing a bit of the beauty I can capture in images. I am not a pro, but it makes me happy. All I have to do is make it through this month, especially tomorrow. In other news, I had another close call with Bambi's mum this morning. This makes the second in a month. Damn deer. I had to slam on brakes, which sent my workbag flying, well squishing my sandwich bread. But at least I didn't wreck. Damn deer are everywhere. I am no hunter, but I'm darn sure rooting for them. Dodge Deer is not my favorite sport. This having to be on the road before dawn is dangerous as hell this time of year. Probably my messed up state of mind isn't helping either. Man, I've got to get through these next few days. Why is it worse now than ever? The thoughts that run through my brain have not exactly been healthy. Give me that sunshine and greenery, and give me colorful flowers. I need them now more than ever. Let's just say there's a lot hanging in the balance that may well depend on brighter, more colorful days. Not to be a drama queen or anything, but simply to state a fact obvious only to me. I suppose that even now, I am being a bit vague, but I have some very good reasons. 

Well, that day of all days has reared its ugly head again. I don't know what day it is from where you're sitting, but here it's January 23rd. I hate this day and at this moment just about everything else, too. Have you ever wished you could punch a day? If I could, I would make Iron Mike proud. In fact, I wouldn't limit myself to just one punch. I would totally throw down on the 23rd's ass. In addition to what day this happens to be, it is also not going well otherwise. As I reached into my workbag, I realized I had forgotten something that is just going to make this day worse by not having, but never mind. I took my blood pressure medicines, and then I took my antidepressant, what I call my anti-cryin' pills. Those little guys sure have their work cut out for them on this day of all days. I doubt they work very well. Today is Suckuary The Worst, the day of all days, the day that stole my baby sister from me. I hate it beyond passion. To hell with this day. Now, I will try my best to distract myself by talking of other things, but she is foremost on my mind. Instead of deer this morning, it was humans and their bright ass halogen lights. I can't say I am a fan of either species as they're both a danger to me so early in the morning. Yeah, yeah, I'm a human too, but I annoy myself, and I'm not exactly a fan of me either. That looking glass mismatch for one thing and myself from the distant past another. But you can't escape yourself. I guess there may be one way, but I am not so sure that would work either. Damn this day, damn January, and damn the 23rd. You know? My baby sister thought the world of me. I wish I could see and even be that person she saw in me. I just don't see that version of myself. Especially today. Damn this day. Damn this day. Words could never describe my hatred for January 23rd. This is going to be a long day. All I want to do is go home and to my bed and stay under the covers until this damnable 23rd is over. They say time heals, but two years hasn't done a goddamn thing. She's still gone and not coming back. How in the hell am I supposed to heal? Instead, I have learned to live with the grief and without her. But am I over it? Hell no, and I never will be. Okay, It seems that my attempt to distract myself has failed. I guess I will try again. I am a bit ill with my employer. Remember me saying I was back to 40 hours? Apparently, they were lying. Oh, well. I think I will start matching my attitude to pay. I have never seen a more cheapskate employer in my life. Oh, well. You get what you pay for, jerks. Tell me friends, Romans, robots, and strangers: What is there left of my life beside whatever time I have? Is this a life, or is it a sentence? And will I be free or simply gone when it's over? Isn't that the million dollar question starring Rod Roddy? What game? Why the game with these great prizes. Not that time is all that great a prize anymore. Not when it's merely time to think of all you have lost. Geesh, my attitude is horrible. I think I will be better in the spring. I know I will be better in the spring. It's just that bleak January is not my time to shine, no way, especially today. I have got to break free of this gloomy mood, but I know it's not going to be today. There is nowhere to go but up. Give me the greenness of spring, give me the gentle rain and the beautiful flowers. Give me the warm sunshine to caress this old heart. I need a reason. I need it so very much, more than anyone outside of my soul could ever know. Only the rare friend, Roman, robot, or stranger who chances upon these words will know the tightrope I have been walking of late. Probably the only sign I show outwardly is maybe I'm a little quieter than I normally am, but that's literally not saying much. I don't go out of my way for idle conversations even on my best days. The person I would have talked to has been gone for two years today, and I sure don't want to waste my time trying to explain myself to anyone else. With her, I didn't have to explain. She is the only human being I've ever known to be on this similar wavelength. She understood because she was fighting many of the same struggles as me. Also, I don't want to be a dreary wet blanket, a buzz kill, and I certainly don't want to be a burden for anyone. That would be worse than this loneliness, far more unbearable than this emptiness. Yes, I need the spring. I know it would help. The beauty and the energy of a warm spring day would do this heart good. It seems I am only now, on this darkest of all days, realizing the full magnitude of my need for a beautiful spring day. I just need to hold on until spring. That's what I need to do. When I asked my earlier question about what I have to look forward to, I think I can answer: Spring. I can look forward to spring. It will never be right, her being gone, but with spring, maybe the renewed life all around me can soothe my heart and ease my pain. Help me, Universe Kenobi. You're my only hope. 

Okay, It seems I have poured out all of my heart and soul into these words. Now that I have thoroughly vented, I can see a ray of sunshine peaking through these figurative storm clouds. I take back nothing that I have said, but I do feel better now that I have unburdened myself here. I know I must sound totally insane, but those were words that needed to be said at least somewhere. I really have nobody to talk to, so whatever robots and strangers who stumble upon these words get to be my honorary friends. Congratulations, strangers and robots! I include Romans, since I don't know anyone from there. So, hooray, everyone! And a big welcome to my circle, honorary friend. If there ever were a day I needed a session with Doctor Blog-ieo, it would be on this day of all days. He's cheap therapy, and he never charges a penny for my thoughts. He doesn't secretly judge me either. On one hand, I don't have to worry about this particular doctor calling the men in white coats to take me away. On the other hand, that also means he can't prescribe happy pills either. Bummer. I need to be on whatever Barney The Dinosaur or half the main characters in Disney movies are on. I mean, who the hell sings all the time? They've gotta be on something good. Yep yep, I'll take a 1930s Snow White mood, please. Guess I'd be singing to the deer instead of cursing them for damn near causing me to get in a wreck yesterday. I'll have whatever she's having. In fact, make it a double. I really need something like that if people out in this world continue to be assholes to me. (Sorry just had something happen to me) (I know the context is missing but can't people pick a different day to be mean?) I got a bit stressed there, got this pain behind my eyes that tells me my blood pressure is running high, so I took an extra metaprolol and downed a few ibuprofen. Now, I'm waiting on it all to take effect. It's the best I can do for now in the way of self care, aside from breathing and trying not to let things get the better of me. This is my world and it's kinda hard to live in it sometimes. It's moments like these that tell me that I was not built for this world, much less this body of mine, but I guess that's a whole other story. Suffice to say that inner stress with added outer stress can sure make a hell out of earth. So, here I am waiting on these blood pressure pills and those headache pills to kick in, purposely breathing slow. This headache is easing and I just feel a bit tired and woozy. It's nothing that my bed can't cure. It will either take me to tomorrow or oblivion, and if I'm being honest, I really don't care which right now. 

(I promise to be better tomorrow)