Hello, Universe. It's your one and only, your one of many, your collection of thoughts and feelings bound to this collection of atoms with the slightly off configuration, this total mess that can think and feel and write. But to sum it up, hello Universe, it's me. I really must be part bear. I feel like I could hibernate the months away, mauling any unfortunate soul who dares wake me. Grrrr and all that jazz. Sleep is the only thing that makes everything go away. It is the closest to peace I ever get these days. I must apologize in advance for being so glum. I know it's not exactly the best way to make friends, is it? I did get a bit of good news in the midst of all this dreariness. I am back to full hours at work next week, so maybe my financial situation will finally ease a bit. Here's hoping for a small candle of hope in this bleak, miserable January. I would say it's colder than witches boobs, but I, for one, know they're not cold at all, and Darren Stevens from Bewitched would most certainly agree. Incidentally, Elizabeth Montgomery was a very beautiful woman, but I digress. Sadly, it is still January. To me It feels more like a prison sentence than a month out of the year. Some days really put the suck into Suckuary. Suckuary the worst, also known as the 23rd is closer now. Of all days, I hate the 23rd the most, with a passion. May January, especially the damned infernal 23rd, thaw in the fires of hell. Not that I'd swear to such a place existing. Who needs hell, anyway? Try living on Earth as me these days. It's hellish enough sometimes. January coldness is my hellfire. There are also moments of heaven, when the land greens and the pretty flowers bloom, but in this January bleakness, they're sadly fleeting. Something or someone knocked my mailbox down last night. I was on my way to work and didn't have time to fix it. It looks like somebody ran into it, breaking the post. Guess I'll check after work with the hardware store after work for something affordable. I sure hope it wasn't on purpose. I don't need that sort of stuff going on. This has already been a very stressful month for me. Money is too scarce, and so are hugs. It's overload, too much sensory overload. It's just way too much. I sometimes feel like crying, but I don't have the space or the time. Ever just need a hug? And isn't it sad that I am not of the variety of humans to be on the receiving end of such things? Call me crazy, but I just want to be held, and I am starting not to care by whose arms it is. Yes, I guess this must sound totally insane, even to me sometimes, since I often go back and forth on this lonely/happily alone thing. Such is this all too human need for love and affection. I can Jedi mind trick myself for a while into thinking I don't need it, but the truth shows up out of nowhere like Darth Maul to slice up all my illusions. I might as well try fooling myself into thinking I don't need to breathe. If I start turning blue, I can claim to be a smurf. Papa Smurf, Smurfette, whatever. Speaking of being blue, this is just a tough time of the year for me, unfortunately, still January. The 23rd is still looming, and I am still missing my baby sister terribly. Marsha was my safe person. See, there are no safe places, only safe people. It really is the person who makes the difference. Otherwise, all the refuge in the world will still feel like a prison. Social media is another prison in itself. I really should stay away more. See, at least with this blog, I understand that the chances of these words being read by anyone I know are infinitesimal, microscopic, damn near nonexistent. while it's sad in a way, it's quite liberating in another. It is one thing to feel overlooked because you're kinda hidden. It is quite another to feel ignored in plain sight. Seeking validation there is like returning to a dry well expecting water. Yet I seem to do that sometimes. I find myself in a much better state of mind when I stay away for a few days. As I said somewhere else, spider's web, pitcher plant, it's all the same to an unfortunate fly. It really is a trap, promising validation and friendship, yadda yadda yoda.. But there's nothing there but advertisements, religion, and politics. There is nothing there that I really want. Here is a very different place. Here, the topic and expression is all up to me. Here is nothing but a blank page waiting for my words, a home for my hopes and dreams, my thoughts and feelings. Without it I probably would have truly gone crazy. Okay maybe I still am now, but it would have been a lot more overt, to say the least. If I am going mad, I'd rather do so in private, not in the middle of a crowd, pointing, looking, judging, but never truly seeing me. That is a nightmare that would scare Freddy Kruger shitless. Fred would wish he had (not) stayed in bed. There is a line from Apocalypse Now that I will paraphrase and modify to fit a person like me: Every human being it has their breaking point. I feel mine is nearing and I really need to find ways to avoid it. There is too much riding of my not having a complete breakdown this month. Let me clarify that the worst I will do is melt down into a weepy mess in front of people, embarrassing myself in the process, quitting and going home. No worries people. Peace and love and no harm. I am merely a human being with feelings and under stress. I have my problems with anxiety, depression, and one more word that starts with that letter. Mental health has such a stigma in this world and those crazies on the evening news aren't helping that image. Let me explain. I see my mind like a complicated electrical circuit, and in many ways all minds are. It literally is an electric circuit, though I will now speak figuratively. There are peek times and off-peak times. January is definitely a peek time. So why does everyone around me, especially at work, wanna plug in about fifty figurative hair dryers and then run the AC because 50 hair dryers really heat up a building? You could say I had a figurative breaker trip yesterday. I'll bet it was good and charred and smoking too. The only saving grace was that it was the end of the day, and I was able to get away. Today I was at least alone when it happened again. To this world, I am of that part of the population not allowed to be emotional, and I don't feel up to explaining tears either. Well, I have feelings. I guess I am supposed to, am I? Maybe I could just say I'm allergic to mean people. It's a real downer to feel that nobody at all is rooting for me, more like for the opposing team that wants to see a mentally broken human being. Indifference, I can take. I even understand it. It is usually the most I can hope for. It's not that I am going for visibility here. The less I'm noticed the better. It helps me keep myself together and not get all weepy in front of the normals. I try. Goodness, I try. Nobody could ever know the effort it takes. With a monumental effort, I have managed to hold myself together and stave off this vision of curling into the fetal position on the floor while idiots stare at me like monkeys in a zoo. That is a picture I hope never to see. Sometimes, I think folks confuse attitude with perception. Yes, yes, one affects the other and vice-versa and yadda-Yoda. But how (hypothetically speaking, of course) can a situation that seems doable on Monday seem so dire and hopeless on Tuesday? Through which lens will I see the world tomorrow? Rose red? Deep blue? Hopefully, aquamarine dream. Is this really only a ME thing? It can't be. Seems more a human trait than a sign of losing one's marbles. Mutually exclusive situations? Meh. Sometimes, I feel like I'm losing my mind as well as my cookies. It has been a hell of a day. I'm sure Bonnie Tyler didn't mean an overcompenstor's pickup truck with four bright halogen lights when singing her song. Still, Bright Eyes blinded me on a dirt road where I didn't know where all the washouts from yesterday's storms were. I swear, every now and then, I fall apart. I'm not a doctor, and I don't even play one on TV. Still, concerning myself, I often find it useful to be an armchair Freud. After all, I am a varrrrrry interrrresting caaaaze. I had a heavy, heavy moment this morning. As I was getting ready for work, I accidentally bumped a poster on my wall, and it fell. It was for a play my baby sister was in at TCC, the one play I was able to go see her in all those years ago. The poster was undamaged but, still I kinda freaked. Must be the January effect. January sucks. Penny for your thoughts? Nah, inflation and stuff. Who sets their value? Chances are, if we don't place value on our own thoughts and feelings, nobody else will. Although gratitude toward those who cared but never had to, will always be well placed. How do you feel? Now that is the question. I'm sure nobody wants a Ted Talk from me. Though I guess this blog would be that. Well, more like a therapy session. Sadly, I have not been feeling so good in that aspect of late. Everybody has their struggles, right? Therefore, I will ask only that you be excellent to each other and party on, dudes. Gee, I wish I were in San Dimas 2688 right about now. It seems like a place where not a whole lot of crying goes on. It's probably a place where one could make some friends. Then there are the advancements in medicine and genetics that would certainly interest me. Not to mention the air guitar and the most excellent music. That was some kickass metallic clothing too. I bet I could certainly make the look work well. I would also borrow the telephone booth to go back and save some people that I love. I bet they would rock the look too. All things excellent and most triumphant, nothing bogus or heinous. If there really was a heaven, it would be San Dimas 2688. If there really is a hell, it seems like this place, this time, here and now. I know, I know, drama queen. To hell with it, fine, I will accept the title. I am tired of this play. I want to be left in peace. If they won't understand then they need to leave me alone and let me be. I can't stop anyone from judging the ocean only by its surface. But, what exactly is your world? Is is only what is outside of yourself? Of course not. Your world begins with who you are and how you feel. Well, well, let me state something equally obvious, a truth which also is what it is: Unless you have seen through their eyes, been in their head or felt with their heart, your obvious observations mean obviously jack. I guess I must admit that I too sometimes observe from the outside. The most recent is this poor guy constantly professing his love to this lady who does not seem to share his enthusiasm for their relationship. I mean, they're 'in a relationship' but she has never once responded to his professions. It's funny how the longer I have been removed from certain situations, the more I empathize, even as I relate less and less. I think, that poor dude, I would say she's stringing him along if he wasn't trying his poor heart out to keep up. The naivety of this poor guy is astounding and reminds me of the very different person I used to be. I hate to call it a fool's errand, but it sure looks like he's heading for disaster. Love does funny things to people. It sure enough made me dumb at times. I look back now and wonder how I could have been so stupid. The heart can override the brain sometimes. Love is not blind, but it can blind us all the same. I hope I'm wrong. There have been so many times when I regretted being right. Everybody deserves happiness, love and belonging. Dearest Universe, may we all find it.
If there is any bright side of this dark cloud is that (luck willing) my state of mind, like the temperature, has only one way to go and that is higher. Next month would have been my mother's birthday, March would make two years for her too so that will be a bit rough. Still other than that, the world will warm and so will my heart. I look forward to the beautiful green and the colorful flowers of spring. Photography is a hobby of mine so I look forward to capturing some of that beauty and wonder. No January has ever outlasted me (yet). Still I have January and especially the 23rd to get through. I am very sorry for the crazy, depressed was I must have sounded in the words above. I just miss my sister. I never knew grief could be a physical illness until I lost her. Nothing in my life, not my divorce, not even the many dearest loved ones I have lost has ever hit me this hard. On one level I can say why, But in so many other ways even I can't understand. She was my sibling by more than merely blood. She was my kindred of the universe, one with the universe, and forever will be the universe. Keep in mind that these are my letters to her.
This PSA has been brought to you by yours truly and viewers like you.
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