Mirrors And Minds

 Hello, Universe. It's me again, half awake with thoughts swirling throughout this old brain of mine. You know? There are few things more stressful to me than not being able to speak my mind. I know that the word catharsis gets overused a lot these days, but it's probably the best description of my sessions here. Outlet? Venting? Lightening rod? Hell, it all means the same thing. I get it all out here so I can deal with a boringly 'normal' life. You'll never find me stretched out on a tropical beach with an umbrella drinky Miami Vice in my hand. Nor is it likely that I'll be singing on a cruise ship like Kathie Lee. So yeah, normal life of trying to fit an ill-fitting mold. So, yeah, lightening rod, zap zap zap! Let's all do the shocking blue dance. Boogie down, baby, boogie down. Here is where I say what I really want to say. Doctor patient confidentiality, Blog-ieo. Though, my dearest random stranger, you're not bound to that. Maybe somewhere in spacetime, these words will reach a kindred spirit who will understand exactly what I mean. Maybe in a year, a decade, or a few centuries. I may or may not be long gone, depending on which. But whoever, whatever, whenever you are, thank you from the very essence of my being, from my heart and soul. I am sending my love over the waves and across the years. Thank you.

I don't mean to put anybody down when I say it's my own belief, most certainly an actual fact that nobody in my real life will ever read these words while I am still living anyway. And since I hope to live my own way for a very long time, perhaps they never will. All of this is just between me, Doctor Blog-ieo, and you, random stranger. Welcome to my secret world, quite the garden, I'll tell ya whut. I do not mince words here. Well, I guess there are times when I deliberately choose to be indirect, but I'm speaking the truth. Random Stranger, you are in the unique position of knowing things about me that no one in my real life ever will. I used to talk to my baby sister, but she's been gone from this world for 18 of the longest months of my life. This is the way I continue talking to her. Not only is this online, but I also keep a plain text copy, adding a full and updated copy to every M-Disk I write. I mean, text doesn't take up a whole lot of space, right? It makes for a fair degree of certainty that these words will long outlive me. Unless, of course, we destroy Earth, in which case, there would be nobody left to read them anyway, English speaking space aliens excluded. That would be sad, as I am not exactly your typical earthling. Nope, I'm about as far from normal as Andromeda is from here. Even farther. Even further. I am, after all, who I am. And I am no longer who I was. I've been going through some heavy changes, man. Some came by the hard knocks of bad choices and bad luck. Others of late have come through my own realizations and choices. Yes, I am indeed who I am. Sometimes, I think I have managed to mind trick myself with all these changes I have made in the last several years. My thought pattern isn't exactly the same anymore. I can tell by how I relate to the world and to the people around me. I can tell by how I relate to myself these days. There have been changes, some subtle, and a couple not so subtle. And I couldn't be any happier with them. The less subtle they are, the better. Though I guess I'm lucky enough that most of the world seems to ignore them. Some things you can't exactly shout from the rooftops, you know. That is, even when you wish you could. It is mind as well as body. Well, the former is just reinforced from and by what was already there in the first place. I am standing on that same figurative edge that I mentioned a few posts ago. Nothing has changed aside from maybe my center of gravity. Yeah, that is as good a way of putting it as any, I suppose. Still.. In reality, outwardly, it probably doesn't make that much of a difference. I have never been the extroverted, outgoing type. Hell, I barely interact with anyone. I am mainly just there. But, inwardly, everything has changed. You know, I am of the belief that my future is basically set in stone, that I am destined to grow old alone. Therefore, all the inner (and even the outer) changes in the world won't make a difference anyway. It is also a fact that some of this is by my own free will, of me not wishing to repeat the drama and stress of long ago. And with all of this considered, who else but me, yours truly AEB, should give a damn about who and what I am? Nobody. This is about my own happiness in whatever time I may have left. I am still a functional gear in the machinery of society. I work. I pay bills. I was never the type to butt in to the business of others or push my ways on anybody else. I am just here and nothing more. I do far more living in my head than I do out in the world. And do you know something? This is perfectly okay. I have my world, and everybody else has theirs. I have no time for all this political bullshit. You guys fight it out and count me out. I'll be over here in Wonderland where I belong. Otherwise, you are welcome to a cup of tea anytime. Just never mind the mad hatters. Though better mad hatters than mad haters. There is just way too much of that in the real world these days. It is so much better when you no longer play the game. It's a well-kept secret that leaving the game is often the only way to win. And I left the game a long time ago. And now that I have finished this little preamble, It's time to rock and roll. "Sooooo, tell me, Meeeester Seeeeester, what do you wanna doooooo with your life?" "I Wanna Rock!" (Damn, I still love that song)

I know I've talked extensively about my past somewhere in here before. Though I seem to gain new insight as I have more time to reflect on that past. I guess there is no point in rehashing that same old ground again. I was once naive, far more gullible than I am today. There are bad apples in every bucket, but I didn't believe so back then. There are, though. Human beings can be good or evil, kind or cruel, victims or villains. This cuts across race, across creed, across nations... And what a lot of people don't realize, gender too. There are good men, and there are evil abusive men. There are good women, and there are evil abusive women, lacking empathy or conscience, just as much as their male counterparts. The worst thing is to think it's funny, no matter the gender. Be they male or female, take it seriously, and try to get them some help. I would help a man move out of a dangerous, unhealthy relationship just as I would help a woman. Couples should support one another, not hurt the other, be it mentally or physically. A princess should be able to lean on her prince for support. A prince should be able to lean on his princess for support. Nobody should be inferior. There should be no bosses. We should honestly help each other. I guess my weird inner wiring, plus past experiences is why I identify with certain song lyrics, about how that devil comes to you with that angel face, promising to never hurt you again, about a heart hallucinating, seeing monsters as angels, for needing so much to be loved. And even so, even so, I can not convey just how difficult it is to leave even when the whole world thinks it would be easy or simple. Believe me, it's not. I was devastated on that dark last day of 2008. But I often wonder if it saved my life. Would I still be alive today? I don't know. Would I have eventually left, had I not been abandoned in that store parking lot? I don't think so. I was rescued by my father, by my mother, and by my sisters. Yes, two women who happened to be my siblings stood up and fought for their big brother. They were my heroes during that time. I didn't call Marsha my guardian sister for no reason. She was Alice Johnson standing toe to toe against Freddy Krueger and taking absolutely zero shit from him. She was Ripley telling that alien, "Leave him alone, you bitch!" When I say she was a warrior and my freaking hero, I ain't joking. There weren't many people in this world who cared enough about me to make such a stand. But, getting back to me and my own reactions, do you know the real irony? Imagine being in Hell, and being upset when the devil swings open the gates and shouts, "Get the Hell out of Hell!" No more perdition for you! I mean, what kind of idiot gets homesick for hell? But I was, I really was. If it were not for my children needing at least one of their parents to actually be a parent, I would have spent my days wallowing around and crying my eyes out. It took me years to realize I had been rescued. It took a long time and a lot of self reflection to even feel as if I had been saved from a bad situation. Love does not always make it all better. Sometimes love can be the problem, imprisoning you with a bad person. It is only when the spell is broken that you are truly free. It took a really long time. Do you want to hear something really weird about me? Too bad, I'm gonna say it anyway. I wish I could have been the one to carry my children before they were born. I mean, basically I had to become both father and mother to them in basically every way, so why not that, too? The only reason their actual mother ever made any claims was to mess with me. Think I'm lying? She has had absolutely zero to do with them since my youngest turned 18. It was only when they were still minors, therefore a conduit to hurt me through, that she would call, show up at my house at 5am, and sue me when the other methods didn't work. I gave her opportunity after opportunity to be in their lives, and she kept rejecting them. She wouldn't often back out of visitation at the last minute, yet she tried to sue me over that shit in 2018. It was my kids themselves who got enough of her antics, and why would I force them? Some jackass in a fancy suit was claiming I should make them go because I also make them go to school. Not the same thing, fancy suit! School was a healthy environment. The other was not. I mean this was the person I woke up to find standing over my bed at 5am because she broke into my house. This was the person who went to great lengths to find out where I worked to stalk me there. This was the person who would call at all odd hours of the night. This was the person who would falsely claim she was dying, especially to my children, yet seems to still be quite alive many years later. Yes, It's crazy. And it's also manipulation, very similar shit to what she used to do to me. Was it any wonder why my kids felt like they did? This wasn't me telling them some false bullshit and them simply believing me. This was real shit that we all experienced firsthand. Yet there were many years after her leaving that I tried and tried again and again to find a way for her to be positively involved in their lives. But she never once did so. So, the only experiences they remember are the negative ones. Instead of using them to get to me, she could have made an honest investment in their lives. Her view on all relationships, Husband and wife, mother and child, are like my relationship to a Pepsi can. Just take and take and take until there's nothing left to take anymore and throw it out in the Chipley Foodmart parking lot when you feel you've drained it all. I guess I am still hurt. I guess I am still angry. But not for what she did to me. It is what she did to them that I can never forgive. For that, I shall take it to my very grave. As a father, and yes, as a mother too, I am very protective of my babies, even if my youngest will soon turn 20 years old. I guess once a parent, always a parent, that is If you actually choose to be a parent.

I guess I got a bit windy on that subject. Sorry. It is amazing the power of these emotions even after all these years. My life these days isn't perfect, but it is sure a hell of a lot better than it was back then. Drama after drama after drama, not to forget my very own episode of "Cops" in my very own yard. I bet you can understand why growing old alone is not so scary to me anymore. I was able to escape the gates of Hell, and now I finally find myself beyond the range of the heat, so many miles and years beyond the gates. And I am finally grateful for that 'terrible' day when I was all but ready to beg the demon back into my home, back into my life. Now that the spell has been broken, I'd first be a roomie with Satan himself. I guess I could say a lot more, But I'll save it for my next entry. Hoping for all the best, good vibes, love, and especially peace for us all. Never confuse peace for loneliness. When you find the right person, you can have peace, belonging, and truly be loved. It is a risk I wish I had the courage to take.

Until next time......