Seasonal Rollercoaster

 

It has been an absolutely beautiful day outside considering it's the day before Thanksgiving. The sun is warm, the breeze is nice, and everything is just so peaceful and soothing. I really wish I could feel like this all the time. The warm sunshine on my back feels like arms around me. The older I get, the more I appreciate moments like these. 

I love to read just as I love to write. The former is a great escape while the latter is simply the way I sort my thoughts, And that's Basically what I do here. With a book instead of real life, you can always put it down and pick up another one if the story just ain't going how you always wanted it to. You could always do as I have done and find an online fan fiction that takes the story in a better direction, a happier place, a life lived vicariously through the characters. And Visual novels are even better for that.  My opinion about some of these endings is as probably as close to me having multiple personalities as I get. See, on one hand, I see them as damn near impossible and sickeningly sweet. On the other hand, well, I guess maybe I wish they were a little less impossible. Real life seems to pass you by, and sometimes even the best made plans can disintegrate without warning. Take it from someone who knows: There may come a day when a good story to be so absorbed in is all you really have anymore. The years can be kinda sneaky and a bit treacherous. Life really needs a practice run, you know. There is so much we realize far too late.

You may have noticed that I tend to view my current situation in different ways, depending on how I feel on any given day. It really is like the tide, you know. High and low, seen through a very different set of lenses from aquamarine to rose red, to shades of deepest blue. There are many times I tell myself that I am better off by far without the drama or worrying that it just aint gonna last. Do you know what I mean? But then in an instant I am reminded of just how achingly beautiful a moment can be, and just how desolate and barren a world can be in its absence. And then yes, it just breaks my heart. Ah the collateral damage of the war between logic and emotion, mind and heart. And the toughest part is both are right in their own way. There is truth in both facts and feelings, and they sometimes conflict starkly. Logic rules me sometimes. Today, however is at the mercy of a runaway heart. Go figure go fish. Mind and heart will go round and round and round until the former fades and the latter stops. Ever just feel tired in all the ways a living feeling human being can be? Ever just want to rest in a pair of arms, be lulled to sleep by a heartbeat, to feel loved, at peace, and finally home? Ever just totally contradict all the other times you've said that you don't need anybody? Mind and heart. And my heart makes it quite clear. What is this preoccupation I have with romantic stories? I don't seem to remember having that before. And what is this insanity of how romantic scenes in movies turn this old heart into putty. What the hell is going on, huh? Maybe this part of my overall descent into madness. We humans are complicated, and quite simple at the same time. I guess it depends on how we look at it and how we look at ourselves. Welcome patients to Asylum Earth. Enjoy your stay. Hey, look me up, and we might party.

Ever be looking through your closet wondering aloud, "Where the Hell is my blue shirt?" and are answered by a dry ancient voice and a skeletal hand holding said shirt, "Here ya go, buddy!"? Yes, we all have a few in there. Some of us have the entire army of darkness and the crypt keeper too. I doubt anybody's closet is completely skeleton free. Several of mine could probably be found in all this writing I've been doing here. Though I can't really guess how surprising any would be to anyone. I can't completely grasp the perspective of the outside looking in. I only know the other way around regarding myself. What would surprise anyone? None, would me, as I already know all of them quite well. Though maybe this time I think I will discuss skeleton number 1, aka the Grim Reaper's shadow. There is this ghost of an idea that has been running around my brain of late. You could call it one of my heavy thoughts. Maybe I can explain it in a way that expresses these feelings without getting me into trouble, huh? You know? I am not into sports unless the coaches get mad, there is a fight, or the volleyball game is particularly bouncy. Not a sports fan otherwise. But maybe a sports metaphor would still fit here. Lets just imagine I am an aging quarterback who once loved the game so very much, though I was never the best in the league, yet never the worst either. I'd say I did alright, you know? It's just that even with the only Superbowl ring I ever won, well I lost the ring a decade later and belatedly lost the game too. Since then, there has been the rare game with the better (by far) teammate, but all in all, the touchdown pass seems to be of the touchdown past. The days of passes that connected without actually throwing the ball are long over. Plus I just didn't wanna be penalized for acting stupid or making an ineligible pass. Do you know what I mean? A bad play is far worse than no play at all. It has now been six seasons, my friends. Now, while getting across that ol goal line was never a bad thing, actually quite wonderful, what I really loved most was being part of a team, sharing the highs and lows of each season. I mean, Who the hell in their right mind would play this game solo when they could at least be on a team of two? Right? Not voluntarily at any rate. It is only circumstances and bad luck that bring that about. And being alone just sucks. Well, anyway I am thinking of a permanent retirement from this game, among other things, namely everything else too, of maybe ending my career on an even year. I am tired of losing, tired of this bench after all. It is quite cold and lonely, not to mention full of splinters. I just want the loneliness to go away. I am tired of the league feeling more like a punishment than a game. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I try to fake myself out as if it does not matter, that I'm okay. Fine, fine, just fine. But a lie, especially to myself, loses its power over time. Feelings never lie, my friends. Maybe it's like how hunger seems less of a big deal if there's no food in sight? Ever go from just being a little hungry to feeling like you just might faint and fall out from hunger when you suddenly find yourself around food? And what of when you have been long so starved for love and affection and deep friendship, bond, belonging, and connection to where even a movie scene just turns you into a crying weepy mess? Because you would give your life, everything you ever had or ever were, just to have someone look at you the way she looks at him, that smile, the way her eyes just light up, the way they meet in the middle of the room and embrace as if the whole world disappeared, and it is just the two of them, so happy, so in love. And you know that your own chances of ever truly knowing such bliss, such wonder, grows less and less.... And that you're only going to just grow old and die... So you ask yourself, why wait? Such is the intensity of my heavy thoughts. You can see why I can't talk about this with anyone. And really, even here, I am almost crossing the line. The only reason I am spelling this out right now is to give a glimpse, a glimmer, of these very human feelings of mine. There are no escaping them. This need for others is just built in when you're a human. Which is why I wish I were a robot. Take away the longing, take away the need, take away the loneliness, take away the pain so that I can be happy and content with my hobbies and distractions, and the fact that I am destined to die alone. And yes, maybe I am the drama queen that I've been called.. Not the red queen, but the blue queen.. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm just an emotional mess. I would make a lousy Jedi. And I certainly understand how things did not go so well for Anakin. Dude wore his heart on his sleeve just like I do. Not very Jedi like. Far more becoming of a dark lord if you ask me. 

Wow, these next few days, man.. Actually the entire month ahead.. It's just plain gonna be rough. Emotionally, mentally, not to mention financially. Nothing to do with gifts as I was skipping all that because I just can't afford it. Luckily my kids are all technically adults now. My my middle one has some heavy duty dental work coming next month and that's where any funds I can muster beyond the bills will be going to. A trip to the dentist, what a Christmas gift. Still he really really needs this to be done. And it just all goes along with the disaster 2022 has been. I really need to get to a doctor, myself. I am fairly sure I also need a real therapist instead of just Doctor Blog-ieo. But unfortunately I live in the land of E Pluribus Unum, where health care could double as lottery prizes. You just can't afford it here, even if you work an honest 40 hour week. It's the biggest criminal racket in history and sanctioned by the good ol US of A. Crooks, every one of them! And it spells doom for those of us lowest on the food chain. If I ever fall ill like my dad did (he had insurance and barely survived) The only thing I will be able to do is get my affairs in order, because it's going to mean my death. Well, with my heavy thoughts, I guess it would all fall in line, wouldn't it? I am a believer in everyone who works a full week every goddamn week, should be able to afford everything they need. Wants may be out of reach, but needs should never be. It's criminal, and pardon me, but it's fucking evil too. Freedom, my ass. We are being used and drained, Indentured servants for life. And that's why all this political propaganda pisses me off. I want to tell them all to just shut up already. None of your bullshit saved my sister, did it? Then close your flapping gums! Sorry. I guess I have some strong feelings that will never really be resolved. Like I said, this is gonna be rough. Come on 2023. To hell with this year that took my mother, my sister, and a large portion of whatever sanity I had left. 2022 can sit on a hot coal in hell forever and ever amen. Burn in hell, 2022, burn in hell. Wow, I sound so angry and bitter. Not all the time, really. Only when I think of everything that has happened this year, of what I so deeply need, yet will probably never have. I don't need to be super rich. I don't need to be loved by absolutely everyone on this planet. But I do need a life worth coming home to, and maybe just one person who might have a reason to love me. Universe, is that really too much to ask? I have spent a life working and trying my best to do what is right by people. Throw me a bone, why don't you? Let me at least have this. If you can give it to goddamn sorry ass deadbeats, you can certainly spare it for me. If not, then universe, you are an asshole. 

Okay, okay, okay, okay, Subject change clean cup move down! I know it does not look so, but I really am doing my best not to be a gripe, a grump, or a grouch. After all.... Bitch, I don't live in a garbage can! It only looks like one sometimes because I seem to be the only one there not allergic to housework. That's gonna be a good bit of my Thanksgiving weekend. Perfect time to catch up on all I need to do around the house. I might do some computer stuff too, always compiling my digital collection of all things awesome. And maybe some more sleep. Sleep is good. Yeah. Sleep might as well be my lover these days. Lately, I've been practically passing out not long after I get home from work. Even with things as messed up as they are, I do have my few joys in life: music, books, computer stuff, and sleep, Good food, now and again, and great booze once in a blue moon. That's about it, these days. Still, there are those fleeting moments every once in a while, just enough to keep me relatively sane. And remember, I am the mad hatter (fun kind) of crazy, not the psycho clown kind. Remember, hang out with the hatters but stay the hell away from clowns. They're Nutso!