November Soufflé

Leaving work, I reached over and turned on my radio for some driving tunes.. Only to hear a commercial loudly proclaim, "WE HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR A ROMANTIC DINNER FOR TWO!"  Well, I changed stations and then I started to think, Hmmmmmm. Food, atmosphere, candlelight, maybe some wine and the fancy violin dude/dudette who stands by the table playing fancy tunes. Yeah that's most of it. However it seems that according to my Doctor Emmit L Brown style calculations, Something/someone is definitely missing from the equation. But did they say 'EVERYTHING'? Yes, Yes, I believe they did.  So what is this place called? Mel's Diner And Matchmaking Service?  Cavern On The Green Dating Scene? The Dating Game Bar And Grill?  McDonald's:  I'm Loving It? Try the new McHottie? Just curious.. Inquiring minds wanna know.  I mean, are they all that with a super size soda and fries? Or just a Big Mac with a Sixpack? I mean, what kind of happy meal are we talking about here? Are they most excellent or non non heinous? I may be a fish out of water, a soul out of its time, But... I'll never stop characterizing things as either excellent or bogus, most triumphant/bodacious or totally heinous. Nor will I ever stop seeing San Dimas 2688 as a place and time as close to heaven as fundamentally possible. I also tend to equate 2022 to the other place.

One downer about liking some of my favorite artists on social media is this push to try and sell me an album that I have already bought three times... LP, Cassette, and CD..  Third time was charm enough for me.   So... I don't need the recycled special edition. Still... I miss my old hobby of going around to second hand stores and finding cool records, tapes, and CD's. Always enjoyed that. Once I bought this big box full of cassettes. Many were unlabeled, and it was kinda cool finding out what was on them.  Some cool stuff from 70's and 80's radio. And, for some reason, the answering machine messages for some guy named Bill. Apparently a lot of people didn't like Bill. Poor Bill. Maybe if his last name was O'Reilly, I'd totally understand the hate. Maybe he should have done it live. I miss those days of browsing stuff like that. It was a kinda treasure hunt without having to fire a canon or wield a cutlass. I'd love a chance to go back to that Goodwill In Tallahassee. Last time, Marsha was with me and that just opens up a bunch of other thoughts. Remember the record clubs? 10 CD's for a penny? It was pretty much how I transitioned from tapes back in the 1990's.  Ah, the original trial version.  I guess (In this crazy future) it continues in places online. But, do you know? Maybe sleep is even more original, the ultimate trial version. But maybe I'm comparing apples to oranges. I really need to think lighter thoughts you know. Though I'm quite sure that even a physiology student in their freshman year could understand why thoughts such as this are so common with me in dystopian 2022. It seems I didn't choose these heavy thoughts, they chose me. They're like the immense gravity of a singularity that seems to be the pied piper of my time. An event horizon is not an object at all. It's just the place where everything changes. I wonder what it would be like for anything caught in its orbit, the whirlpool in the drain of the universal bathtub. Round and round, down, down, down. Would one feel the need to swim against that inevitable pull? Or would it be like the river leading to the ocean, as in the most natural thing in the world?  Would it be best to just kick back in that inner tube and let it take you wherever it will? Thoughts are funny. They're hardly from point A to point B, ya know. Sometimes one can't even figure out which is from what anymore. It seems the literal and the figurative gets all upside crossways.  But on another level, it actually makes too much sense. Proof positive that thinking ain't always good for ya.  Sometimes you find you can never come home again. Home is yet another one of those little words with oh so many different meanings.. One is where you hang your hat and try to rest your mind. Maybe it's where you keep all your stuff and maybe try to sleep at night. But I guess the toughest to think of is that very special place lost in the distance of time, A place you miss dearly, but can never hope to see again, at least not here, at least not now....  And it's so much more than a place, for it was never an empty one.  Grief for me is kinda like a Ninja. After leaving me be for a while, it likes to silently sneak up and kick me where it hurts. This warrior apparently does not believe in tapering off slowly. It prefers full intensity out of nowhere when life otherwise has distracted me for too long. And what kicks the hardest is I feel I no longer have license to speak of it so much, nor do I want it to seem as if it were all about me. Maybe only that it's me without her. So... Which is the greater prison? Body or Mind? Is one the warden and the other the prisoner? Or are they both for each other simultaneously?  And which mirror should either believe? The one we look into, or the one which looks into us? Which of these speaks the greater truth? 

There are just some things I guess I will never understand. And it's not that I'm saying they're right or wrong. Just that I don't understand.  And there's no real way to say this other than right out.  How is it that I keep vehicles longer than people keep people? And how is it that I needed a long time for healing and self-reflection, when other people apparently don't?  You know, when your car breaks down and you need a way, you've gotta go out and get another one as soon as you can. But I've spent more time in between cars than some have between relationships. Like I said, I'm not saying they're wrong with whatever they do. I'm just saying I cannot comprehend just how they can. I couldn't. I can't. I did the rocket powered roller skate relationship route once. It ended in a crash that even Wile E Coyote would wince at. Seems to work for others, though. Remember kiddos, when flying through the air with (figuratively speaking) a rocket strapped to your back, It's not the flight, but the landing (Or lack thereof)

  I assume it's 'normal' and therefore happens to other people, but have you ever suddenly found yourself so deep in thought that you almost forget where and when you are? And do you find that several minutes have elapsed in that moment? They call it being absent minded, but it's actually being so present in said mind that you're kinda absent from the real world. It's like time is on a turntable and the tone arm gets bumped a bit. Thinking of the past, considering the future, tends to take one away from the present, I guess. Never mind me.... I like to share my most random thoughts now and again. Either they'll make you think, or maybe you'll be entertained. Hopefully you won't be bored. Just testing the hypothesis whether thinking is dangerous or not. Everywhere can be nowhere. A crowd can be an empty universe. And reality? Hell, that could be anything in between. The mind is quite powerful at making one feel empowered (Or powerless)  Loved (or alone). It is the double edged sword that just keeps on giving.  We do not base our love for others on perfection. Because, let's face it, we'd sure have no love for ourselves held to that same standard. No, we love them for being them, and for having done the best they could under whatever circumstances. Sometimes we love them simply because we chose to. And it's weird how we can question our own worthiness when others have made that same choice regarding ourselves. And maybe it's just that they see or saw something that you were just too close to see yourself. And maybe life is just too damn short to question it, and maybe it's best to try to be what they see, even while forgiving yourself for the times it's just beyond your reach.

Forever's just too long a time. Maybe if the people and places that I loved were along with me for the entire journey. Otherwise the further you go along Route/Dimension 4, the more you will find missing.  Infinity would be a nightmare. Just what besides yourself would be left?  And even if we never physically age, the world around still changes. Everything seems to be forever in flux. To me, forever would be the ultimate punishment, especially when spent without the most loved people in my life. I could never be joyful about outliving relevance, my time, or the people I love.  Sometimes being the last one standing does not mean you won. Quite the contrary. That's when you've lost and lost badly.