Well, hello there, Universe. How goes everything? As for me, I haven't tripped over a suitcase full of money yet, but I still manage somehow. I mainly focus on the day to day, because the big picture is a bit too much. Maybe focusing on the trees will let the forest take care of itself. I've got to take reality in non lethal bites. The big picture would be a definite overdose. One tree at a time is the only way my mental health is gonna take it. There is a lot of this reality I would rather not think of, a lot of unpleasant truths. Awareness of them is one thing. Dwelling on them is another. It really does not make them go away. If I am to ever have hope of momentary happiness, I have to put those thoughts away. Nobody puts their skeletons on parade except on Halloween maybe. And it's November already. Yes, this year is almost over and I so want it to be. November is a lot of things to me. It is the birth month of all three of my children. 24th Anniversary of a marriage that failed spectacularly 14 years ago. Six years since I lost the greatest job I ever had. 18 years since I got in that wreck while trying to vote. It seems a lot of life changing events have happened to me in this particular month of the year. I used to get a bit down and depressed, thinking about all these Novembers past. But with 2022, the big changes came early, as did the feelings in far greater intensity. This November I hardly see the difference between this and the rest of this year. Marsha died in January. Momma died in March. Marsha's and my birthdays were in September and both had the deepest cut of her no longer being here. And I'm pretty damn sure Thanksgiving and Christmas are really gonna suck. Just bring on the new year already. 2022 can go back to Hell. Damn it. I miss her so much. I miss myself too, you know. I am not the same. At least outwardly I must be doing better. Been getting comments on have been in a better mood or something. I never knew one could be so removed from themselves that others notice something I am just totally oblivious to. I tell them it's like the tide, that ebb and flow, high and low. If there is a reason, your guess is as good as mine. I am just here. That's all I really know anymore. The alarm goes off, I get up, get ready, pick up my breakfast at the store, and find myself at work. My days are filled with the things I need to do. When quitting time gets here, I hit that clock and head home as fast as I can. I drown myself in diversions and I kinda leave this earth for a while. And when the night comes and the darkness envelopes everything, I turn off the lights to match within with without. I crawl into my bed. Sometimes I dream. And the cycle repeats with the piercing shriek of the alarm once again. Over and over and over. I seem to be caught in a crazy machine. Day after day after day after day. It seems I can't get out. Speaking of dreams, I saw Marsha again. In this particular dream we decided to take on the Big Apple. I remember how we used to talk about going on some sort of a world tour if either one of us ever got rich. It was sort of like that, but actually we were both kinda broke and were having to pool our resources. Dreams rarely make sense. And really I didn't mind. If even only in a dream, I got to see my baby sister again.
I continue this existence on autopilot. The days really seem to blend together. I try my best not to think too much. The world is different. I am different. Who knew you could be in Limbo and still be alive. Things feel differently. Moments hit differently. I'm in the same old place but it's unfamiliar these days in so many ways. Words and the English language (as wonderful as they are) could never express this feeling any closer than this. To know more, one would have to read my mind. That's impossible of course, but if it wasn't, it would be a scary concept indeed. We all have our secrets. We all have our shadow as Jung defined it. There is so much more to the mind, so much more to the heart and the soul. The iceberg metaphor fits this well. There are many things I know but could never express, even if I wanted to. There is no way anybody else could ever know or understand unless they're wired similarly enough. That is really the only way. And that way seems long gone today. So, I'll just wing it. One can always pick a direction and confidently set a course, even if they're already lost. There are still 360 degrees in a circle, even if you don't know where zero happens to be. Kilometers are still Kilometers. Miles are still miles. Time's arrow has still not changed directions. So, there you are. Or more specifically, here I am. Spin the wheel, pick a direction, be the next contestant in the game of random chance. Where is Bob Barker when you need him? I assume, and I do believe I assume correctly, that random chance is the reason I'm here in the first place. Random event from random event going back to when time began, a universe coming together. Protons, atoms, molecules, all being exactly where and when they needed to be. All this. And, Hello, there! Here I am. So, what now? Exactly what was the point of everything coalescing into this creature that so happens to be me? Here I am, so what's next? It's like playing a game for the first time and you're still figuring out your character and the controls. What does this button do? Oh Shit! I didn't want to do that! Except I've been trying for many decades and still don't have it all down. That's life, I guess. No do overs. No cheat codes. No save slots. No rage quitting.... Well, no rage quitting and being able to start completely over and do things right from the beginning. Wouldn't you agree we all need a practice life before the real deal? A nice chance to get all the mistakes worked out before they become as permanent as the great pyramids? Wouldn't it be nice?
There are just some things we all had to learn the hard way. Nobody could have told me back then. I wouldn't have listened. I can't tell anybody now that I know because they are the way I used to be. Irony is something else. You cringe most when you think, 'Yep that was me alright.' It is amazing how much you can learn AFTER you knew everything. It is just a shame there is never a chance to use that knowledge. What is the point in a lesson one can never apply? Life is that teacher that gives the tests first and the lessons afterwards. And the real trick is that we don't stay young forever. They say getting old is a privilege not everyone gets to experience. I agree except for using the word, 'Privilege'. I certainly wouldn't go that far. Maybe I would if we all got to grow old alongside the people we loved most, but that's not always the case. I remember my father (Who I am fortunate enough to still have around) saying to me that most of the people he knew were dead, That he had far more acquaintances among the dead than among the loving. Think about that! This could be me someday, And I don't want it to be.
Well, The hour is getting late, friends, Romans, And Strangers. I am so looking forward to catching some sleep. I swear, the older I get, The more I love it. Wishing all good things to all good people. See ya next time. Much love.
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