Well, I've got multiple heavy thoughts running around my brain today. We're halfway through the week and I've still not heard back from the evil at&t robot. I guess those jerks still think I owe them 55 grand for the worst week of internet ever. Been thinking whether to take that job I interviewed for (If I get it) all a matter of weighing the pros and cons, I guess. As always I'm missing Momma and missing Marsha. I am not sure of how I could not miss them every single day. Lots of philosophical stuff too, going around in my head. Life, death, mortality, getting old, and a heavy debate on what would define a successful worthwhile life for me. Feeling a bit L-word, but that's nothing new really. It's been a long, strange trip, my friends. If it's the journey and not the destination, then things had damn well better start making sense.
I used to be quite awesome of making the best of what little I had, time, money, energy, sanity, Yadda Yadda Yoda. This seems to be a skill that I might have lost a bit of. I used to be almost obsessed with getting everything as ready as possible for facing tomorrow mornings. Now, I drag myself into the house and plop down in my chair, not long for my bed. All I can think about during these long days is the moment I can finally get under my fan, into my bed and drift away from this reality. I always tell myself I'll get up early enough to get everything done. But I don't. And it seems these mornings get here far too soon. Its only a small part of me that I say to myself wishes to never have to wake up again. Surely that's not the same thing as wishing for death, right? Sleep is peaceful. Sleep is beautiful. I am not sure whether I leave this body or this world. I am only sure that waking up sucks sometimes. And with no clear goals, hopes, dreams, or even favorable destinations in sight or even on the horizon.. I believe less and less in anything being worth this fight anymore. My only reason in fact boils down to my not wanting to cause hurt to those few who truly love me. I would never want to be the cause of heartache and pain. I thought I would have never found myself here again, you know? That big realization, that self epiphany from the summer of 2019 that I may have alluded to somewhere was what pulled me out of depression the last time. That great internal reveal is still with me, still helps me sometimes. But maybe I need to go further with how I manifest these internal thoughts and emotions... But what more can I really do now? I think it all comes down to home and sanctuary and a place to be myself. I need a place where someone other than me cannot simply just walk in on a whim, unless I want them to.. I need a place where I can just drop this bullshit mask I put on for this world and just truly be myself. More of this inner epiphany needs to be realized. I took some big steps in the summer of 2019. They made me happy for the first time in years. But now those big steps were long ago made and Between all I have lost and all I have been through, I need more steps. If I were to go into detail you would probably think I've gone totally insane. And maybe I have. I don't discount the possibility after all I've been through. I am far past denying that I have problems and I honestly believe I have earned whatever eccentricities and quirks fair and square. I am who I am and I am what I am. And that... happens to be a story for a later time. All I can say is that there was only one way I could pull myself out of that deep depression a few years ago, And... It stops being silly or crazy when it starts being you. It was the only road left to me. Everything else was just a dead end. And I find myself with only one choice left to me once again. Deja Freakin Vu. A certain change or a certain (if slow) death.
There is is sort of mind game I use on myself sometimes. I call it the Spock game. It is where I try to step out of myself and examine my situation and reactions logically. It's like I am a scientist examining the creature whose brain I happen to live in. Fascinating and logical too, huh? It kinda goes like this: What am I feeling? It appears to be a case of the blues with just a dash of anxiety. Why am I feeling anxious? Stressors at home and still not hearing back from AT&T who must still think I owe them 55 grand for the lousiest week of internet ever. Okay, what's with the blues? Why am I feeling the blues? Why don't I also have a guitar and a cool wide brim hat? Duh.. Missing Marsha of course. Momma too. Something also happened this morning that made me feel useless and old. I won't go into it. It seems the world keeps getting younger and I stay the same. Reality is there are so many people around this place I'd just bet I'd remember the year they were born, a disturbing amount these days that I could have been buying beer on the day they were born. It's quite possible. Buying beer was an activity I engaged in quite often back in the day. I still do sometimes but not as often. You could say I'm a semi retired beer buyer. (And just a bit old I guess)
Well, Maybe I am at least not yet what they'd call a senior citizen. Yet neither am I a spring chicken anymore.. I guess it happens to the lucky ones. They say growing older is a privilege. I say it depends on the circumstances.
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