Well, Hello Universe. How goeth the planets and stars and stuff? Swirling in gravitational chaos I assume? That is how I know I am of this universe as my own thoughts tend to mirror that chaos. Galaxies collide, stars go nova, gamma ray burst go streaming into the void. Yet here I am as always. Maybe I have a weird way of looking at things. It is now my intention to be a downer or a party pooper or yadda yadda Yoda. I can be fun at times. Heck I have this wacky sense of humor and I have been known to make people laugh now and again. It's just that all the events of this year, quite the metaphor for exploding stars and galactic collisions, has kinda put a dent in my being the life of the party. I wonder if I would even stand out at a goth poetry reading or be kicked out for being too moody, dark, and gloomy. "You're sapping the vibe, dude!" "Yeah, man you need to cheer up and look on the bright side!" Imagine out gothing the goths. What a way to start this chapter, man. Way to go, dude. I have to admit that the way I write can be a bit disjointed sometimes, rambling from topic to topic. This however happens to be how my thoughts go too. This is actually a near direct port of what's running around my brain to this very page you may be reading. How did that song by Gordon Lightfoot go? "If you could read my mind, what a tale my thoughts would tell" Well I bring the maybe good news that yes, you can read my mind. You happen to be reading it right now. Because when I write, I am writing my mind for others to read. I guess the downside is it is quite disorganized, a true picture as any of my thoughts. What kind of thoughts? Well, read on.... Being this semi aware biological organism can be a contradiction at times. A lot of these things one aspires to rise above gave rise to we beings of consciousness in the first place. And it's hard to separate the Being from the creature. We can have art and science and language. But we still have to seek out the needs and the desires of the creature. For these bodies we inhabit still possess those needs and desires. For now, the being's existence depends on the life of the creature. We can create beauty. We can strive to understand the universe. But we can't forget the food while doing so. This I understand, but what I can't is those who never wake from it. Now I admit there have been many times in my own life that I found myself in that creature daze too, so I am not meaning to claim I'm much better myself. As I said, sometimes it is hard to separate the Being from the creature that gave rise to it. And the creature has never left and so far the being still cannot exist without that creature. I wonder if it will always be so. People fear artificial intelligence. But really that would be the next step. Just copy my brain and put it into a supercomputer or a robot, a creature that would only need electricity and raw material for continued existence. It would kind of be like that Twilight Zone episode where that elderly couple wanted to buy robot bodies for themselves... But with a twist. Because the robot I would choose for my rebirth might surprise a few. It would be really cool to start a new life that way, to bury the person I used to be and consider them long deceased. Build them a headstone, and let the cemetery become overgrown with vegetation, the name faded and forgotten. Long live the new being who maybe in about 200 years, will lead an expedition to visit their former self, vaguely remembering the name. "I do remember them. Their heart was in the right place, but they could never find happiness in all the days of their life." This new being on the contrary had known nothing but happiness from the moment their eyes were opened and they truly saw themselves for the first time. Whoh.. Started a science fiction novel, did I? Oh well, this is a story I would not only like to read, but would absolutely love to live. The sad thing is that even if technology really took off and science actually finds a way, I would imagine that it would be way out of my price range. So, guess I am stuck with being this creature for whatever time I might have left. There have been many times I wished that mind and body were a package deal. And I used to believe they were a long time ago. It is amazing really what can open your eyes. Not everything is in black and white, nor what it seems to be. There may seem to be a grand design, but that's just an illusion. I don't believe there is. Things are what they are and how they are because of the way they came to be, not because they were necessarily meant to be. Yes, there are laws of the universe, laws of the jungle, but the being and the mind transcends all. And that's why moving beyond the creature is so important. That is also why I am that, who, what, and why I am, and the very reason I cannot change my core being. And I don't want to be limited to an existence based on something that has absolutely nothing to do with my true self. One can't completely discard the creature, for at least so long as robot bodies are the stuff of science fiction. The needs of the creature must be met in order to keep a life going. Gotta eat. Gotta sleep. Gotta Breathe. Gotta yadda yadda Yoda. We are at once nothing more yet so much more than the creature we inhabit. Body and mind can be a prison of sort. Time is another, really. It is like a wall that separates me from the ones I love the most. I saw this documentary on the nature of time and motion once. It brought up an interesting concept using a hypothetical alien on a hypothetical bicycle and how their perception of now changes drastically by their speed and direction of motion. If the alien is sitting still then their now is the same as my now. But depending on the direction they pedal, their now becomes either my past or my future. And so if this alien creature pedals in a certain direction, Marsha would still be alive from their point of view. In the other, maybe I have long since died. I guess even this does not matter, for my mind is stuck in my moment of now and there is no way I could ever go back, except in dreams. Which reminds me, Sis. It's been a while since you visited my dreams. How about you drop by one night soon? We can have a Trek or a Futurama marathon, or maybe we can play some of our favorite computer games while listening to the Beatles? How about it Sis? I really miss you, and I think if maybe I had your council one more time, maybe I could stabilize a bit. I fear I might be edging toward insanity. Just check out this mess I've been writing. See? Do these not seem the ravings of a lunatic? Or maybe these are nothing more than the ramblings of a lonely lost soul missing their mother and their baby sister. I have been under so much stress in the past year. There were cracks forming even before you left me. I am like the Enterprise in that battle with Khan. The ship is being rattled, the consoles are spewing sparks, and the main energizers have Scotty in a panic. In short, I feel I canna hold her together much longer, Captain! And believe me, I'm giving it all she's got. As for our mother, remember how she would call for our Granny sometimes? Even though Granny's been in her grave since 1999? Well, this is gonna sound totally crazy, But I have caught myself calling for Momma sometimes. Mainly when I am on that borderline between wakefulness and sleep, but also in moments of my worst anxiety. I know she's gone, been gone for almost two months now. Maybe its just one of the ticks I have developed under all this stress. But it kinda scares me, Sis. I don't want to find myself in that same hell. I don't want to leave this world in the way our mother did. I don't want to go, but if I must, please let it be all at once, body and mind. Not one before the other. As Neil Young sang, Better to burn out than to fade away. All at once and please don't let it be painful or scary. Let me exit stage left like the mythical Johnny in Bad Company's "Shooting Star" on a high high that never sees a hangover. Of course I also hope I have some more years and a lot more happiness before that time. Even if I am having a difficult time of seeing just how it can even be possible right now. These days it seems that putting two thoughts together is a much greater challenge than it used to be. Focus tends to elude me. My thoughts are scattered across the universe. There has been too much unsettled chaos that has kicked up the dust of my mind. It is so hard to see things clearly anymore. My body of late has been about as messed up as my mind. Not sure if it's all this damned pollen or what, but I keep having these spells out of nowhere where I suddenly feel like I'm drowning. Here I am feeling underwater on dry land with long seconds where I can't take in a single breath. Now that shit's scary. It makes me wonder if I might be seeing my baby sister again sooner than I thought, a wondering that brings both hope and fear. Hoping to see her and afraid to die. Kinda like pickles on ice cream, isn't it? Kind of like something an expectant mother might crave. Not mine. Momma once told me she craved tomatoes when I was on the way. Makes sense. I like tomatoes now and apparently I also liked them before I was born. Wow, what a tangent. Still... I would love a BLT sandwich right about now, salt and pepper on my tomatoes, please. Well at least I am thinking about food for a change. I guess there is an upside to being a living creature after all. Food is a creature comfort that I can still enjoy. I suppose I would miss that as a robot. Maybe there is something to be said about the human condition, even if not everything jives together like it should. Good food, cool breezes, restful sleep, and warm sunshine.. The nice part of being this biological organism, this creature of the Earth and time. Maybe I can someday learn to deal with the rest. I suppose that maybe there is still hope, huh? I hope I can someday again appreciate moments like these. There is so much beauty and so little time to immerse oneself in the moment. Too much focus on what I could never have, hold, or know, and not enough focus on the warmth of sun, the sound of the birds, or the feel of the breeze. I would imagine it would be great to have a clear mind for once, just to pause, reflect, and sort a lot of these thoughts out. It sounds so easy, doesn't it? I wish it were. I really wish it were. I guess I've really been a buzz kill for those around me today. I just don't feel up to faking cheerfulness. It takes too much damn energy that I just don't have. I am a 1980s boombox playing the tape too slow because these batteries are drained. Just stating that particular reference probably gives away my age. Few people these days will ever know the joys of the cassette tape. Friends, such memories to me are enveloped in a warm space cadet glow of nostalgia. Okay, okay, subject change, clean cup, clean cup, move down, mooooove doooooown! Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name, and you simply must have a cup of tea. Curiouser and Curiouser... A perfect description of my blog if I have ever heard one. I would actually prefer Wonderland to Oz any day, and I have my reasons. In a world of my own, yadda yadda yoda. I am debating if I will take that job I interviewed for or keep the one I already have. Lots of pluses and lots of minuses. Hmmmmmm. I hope I don't hear back until next week so I might have the weekend to really think this through. There's a lot to be said about staying where I already am. There's also something to be said about taking a chance every now and again. Either way, it's a little food for thought. What will I choose? Maybe I wasn't selected and I won't have to choose at all. I have been accused of sometimes looking a bit too long before I leap. I guess hesitation can be nearly as hazardous as haste. I don't know. There might be some truth to this. How about I flip a coin? Take the game of random chance. Spin the freakin wheel and just see what happens. Really, I would like a few days to think about this. I wish I had tomorrow off, not just to think, but I need to make one serious grocery run. Man, these prices are getting totally Nutso! What makes it so bad is that while the prices are going crazy, my wages sure as Hell ain't going up. I am really beginning to feel the pinch of this dumpster fire of inflation. And since I am the only one bringing any income to this household, man it's getting tough. Well... Anyway. Enough rambling for now. Goodnight.
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