To Sleep In A Shrine

Greetings throughout the cosmos. It is I the Great Cosmic Wie, space cadet of the ages, drifting in a tin can far above the moon, as David Bowie would sing it. I'm not quite Ziggy Stardust, but I am still made of that stuff. Nonetheless, I am here. And today just so happens to be the birthday of one of the main reasons I happen to be here at all, my dear mother. March 25th will make it four years, now. I hope that wherever in this vast universe she may be, that she's happy and knows I think of her all the time. It is no wonder this universe is vast to the point of infinity when so many of the souls I have loved the most happen to be one with it. Maybe this is a crazy way of reasoning, but I have never claimed to be normal, except on job applications. And at the end of the day, I am but a simple space cadet, making my way in the galaxy. Anyway, happy birthday, Momma. I will love you always. Okay, on to my next rambling. Radio used to be fun. The AM broadcast band used to be so much better than it is. There used to be 50,000 watt rock and roll powerhouses. You could tune in at night and hear so many. My favorites were WLS in Chicago and WTIX in New Orleans. And there were more, so many more. With a good radio set and the right antenna, you were in for an adventure. Then there were the shortwave frequencies, and that was worldwide. On the FM band, I was always rigging antennas so I could pick up stations that would normally be out of range. The frequencies are the same. The bands are the same. It's the stations that are gone. The internet really destroyed shortwave. Before the internet, shortwave radio was the way different governments and nations presented their culture and worldview. Now, about all you'll find on the AM band are talk shows, and about all you'll find on shortwave is preaching. It's sad to one who once enjoyed radio so much. Of course, without my father, it really wouldn't have the same meaning. It was he that really got me into radio. Just as he was, I am a licensed amateur radio operator. I have been so since 1988. I have kept it up to date all this time. The radios and antennas, everything are right here and I could go on air at any time. But without him, it's not the same. I have always, despite how scientifically incorrect it is, loved the opening scene of the movie, "Contact." If you've never seen it before, it begins above Earth with present-day radio signals, and then the scene jumps away from Earth with the signals suddenly from the past. And as it continues to move outward, the signals are ever further into the past with 1920s ragtime fading into morris code. And how I wish that was how radio worked. The first problem was the timing. You wouldn't have heard Nixon saying he's not a crook at the asteroid belt, nor would you have heard Dr. King's speech at Jupiter. That's because Jupiter is only about 2 light hours away from Earth. It would have already traveled 58 or so light years by now. Secondly, you wouldn't be hearing dueling speeches from Hitler and Roosevelt at all. Radio frequencies from that time were mostly below 30 megahertz. Medium wave, shortwave, no VHF to speak of. Low frequencies as those hardly escape the atmosphere. And what ruins it the most when it comes to radio signals and outer space, The Inverse Square law that tells us everything dissipates within one light year really breaks my heart. I hate that this beautiful picture in my head of aliens, 70 something light years away, watching brand new episodes of "I Love Lucy" and "The Honeymooners" has to be ruined. Because that is a totally awesome thing to picture. Space aliens, sophisticated scientists, trying to puzzle out Ralph and Ed. Address the ball. Hello, ball! They would probably take, "Zing, Zam, Straight To The Moon!" too literally. Homini homini homini homini! Way to go there Ralphy Boy! So.... I guess saving all the cool culture stuff is the only way. So much for the internet, though. I really do believe the total decline of the that great digital world is at hand. A long time ago, It really was an awesome place. Though this decline has been happening for a very long time. Even fifteen or so years ago, I thought it was all over. There were just so many sites that were made practically unusable by unwanted annoyances that would slow my browser to a crawl. Then, after an extremely inappropriate pop-up ad, where I had to quickly cover my screen, lest my poor kids see it, I got pissed off and sought out a solution. And I quickly found it. It is a piece of software that a lot of people use these days. And suddenly, the internet was back to being awesome like the old days. Pages actually loaded and faster than they had in years. No more fake download buttons. No more having the content I was reading suddenly blocked halfway through. Top, side, and below banners didn't bother me, but I hate being interrupted. And I won't sit through ads, either. My time is precious, and it will not be wasted. So, I have spent years preparing for the internet apocalypse, preserving all that I enjoy. I have seen a lot of it disappear. It used to be countless destinations. Over the years, it has become more and more confined. There used to be creativity. Now, there's a lot of blandness on large corporate run sites. And recently, AI has gotten into the mix. And if that didn't take the cake, sites are fighting to bring back the bad things from 15 years ago. See, when I discovered that wonderful, magical software, I was among a minority of people. Now that a lot of people use it, the big guys fight it a lot more. Still, I have never once been forced to turn it off. I have ways of getting around it a lot of the time. And in those rare times when I don't? The back button will always be my choice. Nine times out of ten, it can be found elsewhere. That tenth time is still not worth the bullshit. So, yeah. There will come a day when it will be just for checking email and paying bills. I'll just use my archive instead. There's a lot of cool stuff to revisit. The internet that I once loved has been dead for a long time. Still, much of what I loved is safety stored away. Though, I could sure use some of those 5D Superman crystals as an additional backup. I wonder if they'll ever make a consumer version. I have quite a few terabytes I would love to see last a millennium. Not that I'll be around, but it would still be awesome. Not only for the things I saved that are gone from the net, but for the faces, the voices, and the words I saved for the people I love. A digital family heirloom of sorts. Speaking of family, today is my mother's birthday. I've been thinking. Yeah, I know, it's dangerous. But, yeah. While birthdays and death days are both difficult, I do find the birthdays (aside from my own) to be far more bearable. It seems I remember more of the good times, those special moments. The memories are everywhere, always. But these are the moments that bring them into greater focus. I had wonderful parents. I had a wonderful family. Nothing about our home was broken. I never realized back then just how fortunate and rare that is. One could say I sleep in a shrine, not a temple to any gods, but a place where I honor everything and, more importantly, everyone I love. You see, while home is my favorite place on earth, I generally spend my time there in just one of two places: Outside and my room. And both of those places are monuments in different ways. There is the outdoors where my father spent many hours in the garden, keeping up the yards, oh, and those chickens of his. As I feel the essence of spring growing closer, I have decided that this year, I, too, shall grow a garden. Then there is the room that once belonged to my parents, the only room in the house that has been completely changed from what it was when they were still there. Yet, that most changed room (aside from Dad's radio room) is the biggest shrine in the house. On the walls, on the shelves, some might say I am only surrounded by things... And yes, I suppose that would be true if such things had no meaning. But every item represents something that I love or once belonged to someone that I love. Then there are pictures and a thousand reminders. Yes, I do indeed sleep in a shrine and sounder than I could sleep anywhere else. Because in ways that not even I completely understand, they're with me. I guess some people would be unable to sleep in the same room in which their parent passed away, but to me, I guess it's different. My father did not pass in some cold hospital or nursing home, surrounded by strangers. He had his two remaining children and every single one of his grandchildren by his side and in his own house. And friends, if I've truly got to die someday, the way of my father is the way I would have it be for myself. If I must go, this is the way. As for why I can sleep, why wouldn't I? He was one of a very few people on this earth who truly loved me, truly wanted me to be here. What reason for discomfort could I possibly have? It is a shrine to everyone I love. Then I have had dreams in that same room where he told me he never left, and looked at me as if I were silly for even thinking so. Maybe it's my messed up subconscious playing on childhood memories, but either way, it is that truth I said earlier that I only partially understand. Yet, I understand it well enough that I can sleep. This sleep of late has been heavy heavy. I came home yesterday fully intending to get started on that garden, but I just felt so exhausted. So, instead, I konked out early. The sleep was heavy, and the dreams were crazy. The next moment, I was even aware at all was when I had to get back up and go again. And so, here I am... again. Hello there. The day is beautiful, and so is that angel I sometimes speak of. If wishes were horses, there'd be a stampede. There is so much life and living out in this world. There is much of it that seems (for me) so far beyond hope of reach. In this game of life, I feel like a spectator. I know I'm not perfect. But am I really that undeserving of these precious aspects of life? Am I really unworthy? Have I not, for the vast majority of my adult life, made a conscious, earnest, meaningful effort to do right by people? Have I not sacrificed my own dignity many times in order to keep the peace. Have I not, especially in these last couple of decades, did my best to see things from others' points of view? Have I not done what I could to improve myself, become a better, more understanding, and emotionally intelligent human being? Have I not self reflected, understanding that I could well be wrong about some things? What makes me unworthy? Just what is it that forever bars me from having the happiness, purpose, love, and belonging that I need so badly? What am I doing wrong? How am I being wrong? What is it? I need to know so I can stop doing or being whatever it is. I would sacrifice absolutely everything. Removing a mere aspect of myself would be chump change compared to that. I just first need to know what and why. Okay.... This has turned into a spiral, a little whirlpool in the drain, going down, down, down. To stop this relentless and rapid descent into hell, I'll just say that The March Hare had a good idea. Let's change the subject. Clean cup move down. Move down! Mad watch! Mad watch! Two days slow. Oh, and a merry merry unbirthday to you. You know? I catch myself even now, still (figuratively speaking) checking the moon on case it suddenly stopped being an airless void. Nope. Still no atmosphere. I am so surprised. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, maybe I should be committed. I should know better. I do know better. Yet I still do that same ignorant thing again and again. Why? Even I, myself, would like to know. I know I am nobody special. I know I am nobody important. I am neither famous nor infamous. I am just this single drop of water in this infinite sea of humanity, past and present, living and dead. But, I still say social media is no longer worthy of my words, no longer worthy of my true feelings. It's just a bunch of empty headed, shallow posing and manipulation. It's nothing more than a platform for selling junk. Junk products, junk religion, junk politics. Just as there is no air on the moon, there is nothing of any real value there. My words, my true words shall remain here with Doctor Blog-ieo, where they may never be heard. Yet it is a far better fate than being drowned out by a bunch of bullshit noise. Besides, given time, they may someday find their way to someone who might understand, even if I am long gone by then. Just knowing that it's possible makes me feel better. This just in: After numerous times checking in, this action news reporter has confirmed there is still no air on the moon. Repeat, there is still no air on the moon, and unless Elon builds a big shield around it and pressurizes the damn thing, there never will be. There is no air to be found on the moon. There is no meaning to be found on social media. Yet, I still find myself checking for air. Silly, right? Another thing I just don't get is all this copy paste bullshit. Maybe it is because I write and maybe they don't. Does that make me elitist? Does that make me uppity? I don't know. I just know that I don't copy paste jack shit. I write my own words. Why? Because I am nobody's parrot. Yes, I may be everybody's pirate, but I be nobody's parrot, yarrrrrrr! To each, their own, I guess. Avast there, me hearties, set the main sail and go datta way! But here on me own ship, ya write yer own words or ya walk the plank! Oh well. That's all I got to say about that. Okay, on to lite thoughts. I am a fan of Isaac Asimov's books, of both his Foundation series and his Robot series. My favorites of each are, "Prelude To Foundation" and "The Robots Of Dawn". Recently, I came into possession of audiobook versions of his works. I absolutely loved them. However, by a quirk of mine, I picture the Emperor Cleon as a Jon Lovitz style Emperor Todd Spengo from "Mom And Dad Save The World." Is it weird or is it just very Wie? You might see how I have taken part of my name from a certain region of Trantor. In some worlds, I am The Mayor Of Wie. Which, if you think about it, makes me the rightful Galactic Emperor. All Mayors of Wie share that belief. Alright, Spengo! Prepare to abdicate or be overthrown! Good, Anakin, good! I... Can.... Feel.... Your..... Anger! Oops! Wrong Emperor. Hey, they're both Galactic Empires. Maybe if Cleon had red guards and storm troopers, the empire might have lasted a bit longer. Then again, at least Cleon's empire wasn't taken out by Ewoks. Ah, Ewoks: Lovable little teddy bears or evil little monsters. Cosmic Galactic News investigates. Yub-nubs: Endor potato chips or storm trooper on the half shell. Cosmic Galactic News investigates. I'd say that Cleon was much more likeable than Palpatine. Clean cup move down. Okay, ladies and gentlemen of the galaxy, I find myself in a bit of a conundrum. Decades ago, I went to vocational school for electronics technology. I completed the course after high school and got a certificate. It was my dream back then to open my own repair shop. Well, the way of technology did not go as planned. What do you do when your TV breaks these days? You just get another one. So, in all my many years of working, I have never got to apply what I learned in that class. Now, 30 years later I see a job opening where I work for just that: Electronics Technician. So, should I go for it? My parents would want me to if they were still here. My younger self would have wanted to. But now? I just don't know. While my present job doesn't really pay much for what it is, it's also very low stress most of the time. As much as I gripe sometimes, I admit there are also many things I like about my job. And it's not something I am willing to risk for a few more dollars. Stability is important. Mental health is important. It's more than about how much money I can make, but how much longer I can be making it. Besides, if it so happens that I can never afford to retire, this would convert to the perfect old man job. The main job is not too physically demanding. The lift does most of the work. I just guide it. I am no longer young and building a future. I am most likely beyond the midpoint of my life. What I want is to secure for myself a living for these last decades, these latter years, however many there may be left. My focus is far more personal than professional. I have seen much and have done many things. It has been an adventure. And it's not like I'm dead already, but still my focus has to be on the endgame. And at this particular point in my life it's all about deciding what is worthwhile and what is not. With work, all I need is a stable, steady job. I already have a home. They worked to build it. I work to maintain it. I need nothing more. As for romance, there is but one person I would risk my sanity for, and since the feelings aren't mutual, I can also write that off. I merely need to be able to pay the bills for the next 15 or 20 years if I live that long. If I don't, I need to see things through so that my children can continue where I leave off. The days of the big dreams are over. Now comes the time of the small dreams, working on my garden, making the yards beautiful, building cool things on the computer. You know, things like that. And it's not like none of the big dreams from the past ever came true. Several of them did. I have family and a home. I just didn't know it would be the house I grew up in.I am glad to be there, for it has always been home, but I miss my parents, and my baby sister too. Yes, I have a family of my own, grown children, just no wife. I just didn't know their mother would have turned out to be the rotten spoiled piece of gone-over mackerel that she turned out to be, that she wouldn't be in the picture at all, because she prioritized being a whore over all of us, that I would have lived most of my life with all the responsibilities and duties of married life, yet none of the companionship, all of the loneliness. Yet I have came through it mostly alright. And now it is those small dreams in which I plan my contentment. And I think it's just time for short-term more realistic goals. It's like what that old man on YouTube said. The most valuable thing we have is our peace. Nothing is more important. Not money, not status, not even a relationship. His having been on this green earth quite a few years longer than me, I'll bet he's onto something. Peace is important. I have made this decision completely on my own, seeking no advice, seeking no council. This is not like my younger self at all. And I feel that in this circumstance, I have made a very sound choice. I guess time will tell. You can't spend your life in indecision. Not choosing is a choice in itself.