Castaway On Bummerdude Island

Once upon a time in The Magical Land Of Wie, it was Friday night! All subspace hailing frequencies were open for beings all over the galaxy. They could say hello or not. They could ask a question or not. They could have done or done not. There was no try. <(- _ -)> "Hmmmmph! No fun, these creatures are!" Therefore the one remaining alternative left to this particular space cadet was to lead off with some [Various Random Thoughts] Okay. Here goes. Self-improvement is one thing. It's certainly a good thing. A change for the better is always the way to go. Reflecting on a better way is a good road map to follow. So long as this change is objectively true betterment. Hey, we all have our areas. However, changing to conform, changing to fit in? Hiding your uniquely you quarks, quirks, and Captain Kirks just to be 'normal'? That is the most subtle form of self-destruction I have ever heard of. Learn, grow, and improve. Just never stop being yourself. That's the most awesome thing about you. One claim to fame I have is like totally suggesting Bill And Ted terminology to a certain crowd funded anime social simulation game. I chose EXCELLENT and BOGUS for good/bad. So when the girl calls her fellow student a "Bogus Baka," that's thanks to me. I am very proud of my contribution to simulated civil society. It may not be San Dimas 2688, but it's a good start. Next? I'd almost wish the grocery store would go back to Christmas music than that cringy 2020s cowboy country they're playing. It's driving me madder than a hatter! Real country is awesome. Gimme Merl, Waylon, Willie, or Travis Tritt. Give me some John Conley, Johnny Cash, or Hank Williams, senior or junior. Good ol drinkin' tunes. One can almost taste the whiskey when those real tunes come on. Cowboy country, however, is nothing but male prissing and prancing. [DUDE, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF!] Quit waggling like you've got something up there! If that's how to win over the ladies, no wonder I'm single. I don't wiggle and waggle for just anyone. It's as if the cowboy from the Village People tried for a solo career. [FINAL THOUGHT] Ronald and his burgers. Pennywise and his deadlights. When someone introduces themselves as Nutso The Clown, make sure they're stating their name and occupation. Probably best to avoid them either way. Why? Because chances are, they're into politics and other equally disturbing things. Some mornings are like swimming against the current of a raging river. And it's just too damn cold to be swimming. Who do they think I am? Ivan Bigballzski? Never mind. Clean cup, I say. Move down, I say! Hello, Universe. One with presence. One with the universe. One with all my love. Everywhere and nowhere. I feel you. I hear you. I know you. Neurons firing, atoms singing, absolutely everything in a shimmering flux, almost alive, a rift in time I could almost step through if I only I could bring myself to believe just a little more. Have you ever felt the presence of a barrier you couldn't see? To the eyes, all is within reach. To the eyes, nothing is over. Nothing is impossible. To reach out is to shatter the illusion. Shattered illusions can, in turn, shatter hearts, leaving one to pick up the pieces with no one else to blame. In the vast kingdom of mixed signals, I think I've met the queen. Only actions speak clearly. They say what I already know, what I always pretend not to know. There is nothing wrong with dreaming big. Even in the daytime. The problem is in wanting something to be true with such intensity that visions become hallucinations. And you can't do that. As Kasey Kasem said, you've gotta keep your feet on the ground when reaching for the stars. Wishful thinking and self-deception are separated by a line that covers half the width of a proton. Yet I let it go on. I'd sooner understand quantum physics than the reason why I do this. And hey, I'm not a physicist. Just a mad computer scientist who happens to drive a forklift by day. Hooray Hooray for the Great Cosmic Wie! Here I am, rocketing towards that final destination. I have already said how I am not afraid, but I will admit that I find the passage of time to be just a bit unsettling, a bit unnerving. That said, there is some reassurance in what stays with you through it all. It's far better when it's people, rather than just places or things. They come and go. Rarely do they stay. It's not gnarly. One could it call it bogus, most non triumphant. It's okay, I guess. Mainly because I'm used to it being this way. Still... Out of sight, no matter what they say, is rarely out of mind. Time will always have its way. That I accept. Though the journey would go a lot better if one thing changed. It would be a whole lot better than counting my footsteps and thinking out loud. Oh, life, life, life. Where have you put me? You know? There are only so many different possibilities. When possibilities run out, you get repetition. It's not that everything has got to be brand new. It's just got to be worthwhile. Even excitement gets boring after a while. And few forms of excitement are anything good or fun. In fact, I can only think of one. But that's an entirely different discussion. Not all repetition is bad, either. I, for one, happen to need a certain amount of predictability. Chaotic games of chance are for the young. Love, peace, belonging, and home... Now, that's my kind of fun, ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes, the answer is simple. Sometimes, the solution is simple. It's the question that gets complicated. Did I see a job opening for an experienced maniac? Do they actually pay for that? Sadly, I am not manic enough to qualify. Hey, I'm trying to be funny here... Gimme a laugh, darn it! The definition of insanity is not merely looking on the moon for air. It's checking back several times a day to see if air will be there this time. [checks] Nope! And that is a painfully accurate description of the social media vortex and myself. And I really need to stop. [checks again] Nope! Ah, but maybe next time will be different! I just know it! How can you keep a fool busy for hours? Maybe the time has come to start checking other places in the cosmos. The clearer the picture of what I need becomes, maybe the less I should care where I find it. Tell me, ladies and gentlemen, how can the most basic of all needs be the most impossible of all dreams at the same time? It's like saying red is green, yellow is blue, and white is black. It is the difference between what we need to survive and what we need to truly live. Sometimes it feels like the joke is on us, and that the punchline is to the gut, and there's not a referee in sight to call it out and stop the match. Hey yo, Adrian! I'm getting clobbered here! Anybody? Anybody? What I need most is not what they think. I need to drift away in perfect bliss, knowing full well that when I drift back, I won't be alone. I need my dreams to move to the rhythm of a heartbeat. I need that peaceful song to bring me to rest. Once, I had an illusion. Today, I need a reality far more beautiful than this emptiness before me. For that, I would give my very soul. I ask, nothing of which I wouldn't joyfully return. Some things are even more wonderful to give. They are warm and kind when given, but they burn the soul when left with no place to go. I again quote Paul. All that magic feeling, nowhere to go. You know? It bothers me, but it doesn't. I care, but I don't. The former is how I really feel. The latter is knowing none of this will ever change. Is it all about acceptance and inevitability? Resistance is futile? Although, I've never heard of a lonely Borg drone. They will always have the others. Not necessarily for the rest of us. There is really a fine line between the freedom of individuality and the loneliness of being completely invisible. I suppose that being invisible is not always a bad thing. It is a good way to avoid negative attention. The downer is that it is also a good way to avoid ever being truly seen at all. Pros and cons, I guess. It's not that anyone ever really gets to choose. I certainly don't remember ever getting any choice at all. If I had that choice with knowing what I know now, I'm not so sure I would have taken it. An eternity minus a lifetime is still an eternity, after all. But, here I am, like Jack from Pandora's box. We're way past debate on that one. Now that I'm here, I do the best I can with what I have. I make an earnest effort to be a productive member of society. I do my best to be kind to others. I even try to be sociable on occasion. The loneliness is the hardest to ignore. It permeates every moment of my days and is the background noise of everything I do. I'm not under some crazy delusion that meeting someone would solve all my problems. But it would give me better motivation, courage, and will to face them. We all need silence. We all need solitude. That does not mean we need a freaking overdose of either. Maybe all the good things in life are a game for the young. Captain Kirk said as much when he turned 50. No doubt he was feeling sorry for himself. Maybe I am, too. When you miss the bus (or take the wrong bus) there is no going back. I think I took the Freddy Krueger bus. But that's a story for prime time.... What was I saying? Prime time indeed. But the past is the past. The present is the future, and science damn it, I'm sick of the freaking future. Whatever celestial being that has their paws in the fast forward button needs to stop. Okay, now for some real heavy shit. You see, I have been debating on writing about this or not... But since I can't get this horrible picture out of my head any other way, here goes: Yesterday, a father and his two little ones got in a wreck on the interstate. The kids did not survive. The father was seriously injured. From what I read, he either fell asleep behind the wheel or was otherwise not looking in front of him. So, this man is fighting for his life right now. And I wonder, if I were in his place, would I want to make it out of that? Imagine how much worse living is going to be with such a burden on the soul. It's going to be a fate worse than death could ever be. Then again, I am sure there is a mother in the picture as well. How horrible for her. I can't even imagine the pain. Yes, I have seen tragedy, and I have seen loss. I also have my own guilt and regret that I carry, always the would haves, the could haves, the should haves, that are like needles and pins to the heart. But, this, this? I would go totally mad. I would see those innocent faces behind my eyes forever and ever amen. Something like this would completely shatter whatever sanity I have left. And I would quite literally be better off joining them where they are. I couldn't deal with a burden such as that upon my soul. You know, I should really stop reading the news. It's heartbreaking and really bad for my mental health. I never learned how to turn empathy off. Those poor little ones. What made it worse is that I had only read the article by this point. Later, after I had finally gotten the thought out of my mind, I suddenly encountered on social media the pictures of those poor little ones and the words of their grieving mother, and damn it... It's just totally devastating. I have seen some heavy shit in my life, but nothing as horrible as this. If God truly exists, then she needs him now. If He does not, oblivion is our only hope. Okay. ENOUGH!!!! No more talking about it. Stop it! Back to Earth. Back to my own problems. I try carrying the world on my shoulders when I know I can't. My heart goes out to places my mind could never understand. No rationality seems to sway me. You know it might be a good thing if it actually helped. But it doesn't. There is nothing I could do, nothing that I could say. In this, as with so many other things, I am as powerless as ever. That makes me angry. But it is anger with nowhere to go. It's just something to be added to this emotional pot luck stew that has been simmering inside me for so very long. It's just about every emotion one could think of, all together now, heart and soul. I wish my power matched my caring or that my caring matched my power. Because there is no better way to kick your own ass to care beyond where you are able to intervene. It is a backward world when the cold and calloused are at an advantage. I've got my own problems, ladies and gentlemen. No doubt. Still, that doesn't blind me to what others are going through. Let's change the subject again, shall we? It was a beautiful day. Gotta love those 70s. It's days like these that make me think of getting a porch swing. A nice place to drift away to the sounds of spring. Believe it or not, there are some positive things to glean. Maybe not from this, but from what I am reminded of. Life is precious. So are the people we love. And friends? They're treasure worth any pirate quest. Yarr. Yer Mateys be golden! While there some things we must face on our own, life itself was never meant to be walked alone. So goes the struggle, knights of the octagon table. Or at least mine. Remember, the difference between a noble knight and a Knight Lite is that a 12 ounce can is hardly to be considered battle ready armor. That's why it's better to be King. Or the Hoff. Because then you get a cool talking car and get to hang out on the beach doing babe watch. I'm reasonably certain he wasn't watching the guys.