Hello, Universe.
It's nothing new that I find myself missing you. But September sharpens things. There is a Friday phone call I can never receive. There will be a following Friday call that I can never make. Though I just can't bring myself to delete your number. I just can't, even if it's now been reassigned. I tread carefully in my contacts because it would scare the hell out of me to accidentally dial it. It's bad enough to get an error, but it's so much worse for a stranger to pick up. Worst of all, it wouldn't be you. I realize more and more that you were maybe one of the very few on this planet to truly get my humor. You were about the only one to genuinely laugh out loud at my jokes. Nowadays, I feel like I'm failing out there like Beavis and Butthead would fail at the Apollo. I'm like Fozzie Bear, wocka wocka wocka! But Fozzie never gave up, did he? My biggest fear has always been fading memories. I can't let you fade because part of me would fade, too. And I simply can't allow that to happen. That's why I can't bring myself to let go, even after all this time. Attribute or flaw, strength or weakness, I don't know. It's just the way I am. Well, folks, it's my birthday. No big deal to the rest of the world. Only to me and the other people born on this day. I haven't seen a cake in years. I don't remember getting a card last year, except for those form printed ones that companies send. Though I found several from my parents when going through my old stuff... Bittersweet on the heart, you know. My government, of course, remembers me. Which is why I have an extra bill to pay. The freaking government, man! They have no mercy, and they give zero flarks. My one remaining sister is taking me out for lunch. I'll brave the traffic and the crowds for few else on this earth. It's very kind of her. Also, it's just we two remaining children of what used to be a family of five. Also, I want to see her. It is important to me that we maintain this very last connection. Everything else seems to be fading fast. Yes, here I go, running around the bend again, completing another lap around the celestial track. Get those extinguishers ready and spread the foam, 'cause here I come, ready or not. I can smell my back tires burning, but I think I'm going to make it... If barely. It still counts if you're flying through the air upside down, right? This is maybe the first birthday since losing Marsha that I actually feel like getting out there and doing something. I need this, and I will have this. This time, neither the world (nor my own depression and anxiety) is going to get in my way. So, tell the world they can go back to their crack pipes and their beer bongs and wet dream all they want because it ain't happening. I will have this! Recent times have been wearing me thin, and my mental health demands that I get some relief. Next week will be her birthday, and that's never going to get any easier, but maybe I can salvage my own. I miss my baby sister. Eight years younger and four birthdays gone. I miss you, Dearest Sister. What would they say if I said to the world I'm not okay? Nothing. Because there's not a damn thing they can do about it. Neither can I. Deboarding a plane already in flight is never a good idea. Especially when I have never owned a parachute in my life. If I'm going to crash, I'd rather have some sort of shell around me. Even if it's nothing but crumbling steel. When you have a lot to say, but nobody to say it to, that's what writing is for. Oh, and that's why I'm here. Let me talk a bit about life and half-lives. There is a subset of elements on the periodic table that have a tendency to break down over time. I think I might identify with one of them because I am figuratively losing protons left and right. Between a thousand different factors, I feel this whole damn reactor rumbling just below the level of all perception, except for mine. So, put on that hazmat suit, and if you see me running, try to keep up. Where else could I have gotten this golden glow? Mexico? Either way, feel free to pull up a lawn chair and watch the waves with me as I tell you a story of Whiskey, Tango, and foxes on the trot, and maybe demons on the prey. About a world gone mad, where the lunatics take to their keyboards and podiums. Watch them with snippets and clippets and paint a picture that proclaims that good is evil and evil is good. Watch them spin angels into and monsters into angles, just like Rumpelstiltskin spun straw into gold. Watch them navigate around the truth like a 15th century explorer might have gone 'round The Cape.... And ask yourself: Who will you believe when the fingers start pointing again? Their Insanity vs. My Insanity. I guess I would prefer my own brand any day. I have also seen just a bit more of theirs than I ever cared to see. I well understand about this world having a lot of evil, but I can't remember a time when I've seen it so proudly on display. My faith in humanity right now is at a record low. As I look around at all the ugliness that has hurt my heart of late, I guess I should remind myself that Freddy Krueger had a very valid question for Zsa Zsa Gabor in Nightmare III. Those people with the slings and arrows of ugly words that pierce the heart. Who indeed gives a flark what they think? And there will always be those with thicker skin and stronger hearts to fight back against them. My words go best here because they have their own controversy. However, devaluing a precious human life is not one of them. No matter how we believe, this is all messed up, SNAFU if you prefer military jargon. I don't even know where to begin. Maybe I don't exactly like the world and am extremely disappointed in a large percentage of the people. Have they no shame? I can't say I like them very much, not from what I have seen of their disgraceful behavior. I'd much rather live in the land of march hares and mad hatters. Sadly, I am not Alice. I am the great Cosmic Wie. Yet, I share her problem of not following my own advice. Damn, this is wrong no matter which lenses you put on. I have seen the horror, and I have seen the hatred, perhaps the purest form of evil ever. I might have to actually start believing in literal demons because I have seen them in human form, and this time they're not even trying to hide their true faces. May God help us, or science, or fortune, or whatever. As I have said, I don't know. From a creationist point of view, free will is really a hell of a thing. With all the twisted evil out there, I can't understand why the Good Lord wouldn't rage quit this particular game of The Sims and start all over again, because it seems something has gone horribly wrong. From an evolutionist point of view, It is painfully ironic how the brutality of natural selection eventually gave rise to a species that eventually invented civilization, morality, and justice. And how, all too often, despite these noble ideas, Darwinism still rears its ugly head. Either way, I have a conclusion of my own. A fundamentally good person should not need promises of Heaven or threats of Hell to be moral and good. And... so long as research and conclusions require money, you can never trust the science with certain things either. It would seem the very same thing that got us through prehistory is greatly hindering our efforts to build a better world. No matter politics or beliefs, the one constant truth, be we children of God or children of the jungle, is that we should all be a hell of a lot better than this. Armageddon, the robot apocalypse, damnation, or oblivion. Let us build something too beautiful to lose in any case. If beauty lives within our hearts, we can build a world by its light. If goodness lives in heaven, let it rain down and help us to grow. And may goodness and mercy return and follow us forever. Of course, I happen to believe us to be an advanced species who have gotten too damn big for our britches. Which should I believe this ugliness originated from? God or natural selection? It was nature that devised that creatures should steal life from other creatures, that there be predators, parasites, who steal what their prey worked so hard to achieve. Now, shouldn't that be evil? In my mind, yes. Does that make me vegan? Hell no. We creatures were just not built for that, and technology hasn't quite advanced to the point where our dietary needs can be properly synthesized. But it will be a great day for all the creatures of the world when those replicators from Star Trek are invented. I think technology is the only way we can ever break the chains of Darwin. And even then, as we try to become closer to the angels we wish to be, Darwin will always lurk in the darkness. He lives in our genetic code. A species does not come to rule a planet without rising to the top of the food chain as well. These are among the aspects humanity will have to overcome if we ever truly wish to be angels of light. We should also strive to be good and kind and to respect life as much as we can. I say we must break free of this flesh that tries to pull us back into the jungle. I would be the first to volunteer transferring my consciousness to digital, to be this being of pure energy. No more fighting the limitations of biology. No more being trapped as this organism, this creature of the ages. But since technology has not advanced so far, we must work within these bodies, these creatures to create the goodness and the righteousness natural selection never intended. It's not going to be easy to rise above, but we must try. I may be a creature of flesh when it comes to this body. But I dream of being so much more when it comes to my mind. I do not wish to be bound to this body for the rest of my existence. There is a very powerful promise religion gives to the faithful. That death has been defeated, that all we need to do is believe and repent to have everlasting life in Heaven with all the ones we love. I honestly wish I could believe in such things. Do you know how much I'd like to see my parents and baby sister again? Still, I see the universe from this randomly placed planet, as far as possible from any center of any kind. I see trillions of galaxies with millions of stars each.... As far as the cosmic horizon will allow me to see... I see beauty, but I do not see Heaven, and I can't find God anywhere. I want so badly to believe. I have tried, but I just can't. They say belief is a choice, but is it really? Maybe I am getting a little old for dreaming. Still.... I have them just the same. They say it is what it is and that getting in a staring contest with reality ain't going to change a thing... But.. No matter what turns out to be true, no matter who turns out to be right..... I would still hope (no matter how brief) in a sort of a 'Universal Tour', a chance to see all the beauty that is just too far away to see right now. Colorful nebulae in a starry swirl, a million bright hues to split the darkness, the brightest supernova signaling endings, yet new beginnings, countless possibility, boundless, formless, free.. Even if it turns out to be merely the hallucination of an old soul in the twilight of shining, that would be quite real enough for me. Okay, I get that this world has gone totally insane. I just wish it were more the (Mad Hatter / March Hare) style rather than the (Nutso The Clown Psycho Jason Voorhees On Crack) style that it apparently is. Oh, well. Clean cup move down! Order, I say, Order! Yes, I'll have a super duper double bacon burger with onion rings! Extra cholesterol, please! I have an idea: let's change the subject. Clean cup move down! Speaking of bacon burgers, pigging out, and going for a dopamine high, one thing I find extremely unsettling is the heavy influence the body can have over the mind. It's a complicated situation. It's like malware in your operating system, except that its original purpose was not to harm you but to help you survive. It can be somewhat resisted, but it sure takes a whole lot of work. For example, there is this drive to totally pig out and gain weight in the fall. Why? To get fat and hibernate? It's this and a thousand different things and the brain's desire for dopamine. And such things will totally take over if you're not careful. I may have let such things rule me a long time ago, but it has been my great endeavor to be more reliant on logic and reason in my older age. You know? Like Mr. Spock without the dreaded Pon Far... Yeah... About that.... Only something similar to it. Unfortunately, sometimes, logic fails me. And then I fail logic. It's hard to escape the creature when you are the creature. And you have to ask yourself whether appeasing the gods will get them to back off a bit or will it encourage them further? Most of all it takes a lot of self discipline. Discipline yes, but full repression is both unnatural and dangerous. Starvation diets most always backfire and you find yourself acting like Cookie Monster on crack. And it's not just literal cookies. Ah, and those cookies too. I have seen some of those old religious 'educational' films from the fifties and thought, with that kind of advice, that poor dude's gonna flip out and go psycho someday. Self discipline, yes. Complete self repression? Danger. Red Alert. Lock down the Holodeck! Confine Barclay to quarters! Mr. Data, Clean up in Holodeck 3. Computer end program. Ewwwww! Repression is closely related to implosion. Mainly for what happens next. Because there is that bounce back effect. Responsibility, morality, and decency is what should have been empathized. But you shouldn't teach kids to kick themselves for being human. You must let morality be your guide without denying you are a living creature, this biological organism. That goes for any attribute that got us through the jungle, but can now get us in serious trouble without proper guidance. You can't fight evolution, but you can change its direction. Let what is right and the person you want to be guide that direction. But yeah... Such things will overwhelm you if you are not careful. I guess that's why Vulcans lose their minds sometimes. Damn it, Spock! What the hell is wrong with you? It is scary to look back on one's life and just wonder who was at the wheel on that particular day. Every captain has storms to face. But you've gotta be at the wheel, Cap'n! You can't be asleep in yer cabin! Yarrrr! Now, me hearties, how about a clean bottle O rum and move down, mateys? Yarrrrr! Numerical facts: I was 2/3 my father's age when he passed. Later this year, my oldest son will be exactly one half my age. He was actually born on Thanksgiving Day, so no deciding between which family to go to for dinner. They all came to us at Jackson Hospital. Dad wasn't half Grandpa's age until 42. Marsha was eight years and one week. younger than me. One week from today will make four of her birthdays since she passed. Marsha was born (not on the exact day) 100 years after our great grandfather Jarous. My father was actually born on Labor Day. You could say my Grandma was a by the book lady. Momma was the odd one out (February) but her birthday sometimes falls on President's Day... So once in a while I'll get a day off and Momma will get a parade. The September rundown is as follows: Dad 77, Grandma 110, Grandpa 119, Marsha 44. That's all except for Carol and myself. Want our ages, you gotta go to the source. Or do the math. Clean cup move down. Did you know the quid pro quos the Genie had in Aladdin? No, not the first rule (no harming anyone), but the second and third would have been my first two wishes. Therefore, I would have been extremely disappointed after going through all that effort to find the lamp. Okay, this is sort of a science experiment you can try. Just make a public post on a certain social media site with certain keywords and phrases. I'm just curious if I could summon an army of robots. "My computer had a terrible crash. My computer might be cheating on me, how can I be sure? I've been hacked by my computer. Help! SKYNET has become self aware how do I pull the plug and get back my account? Don't accept any friend requests from Freddy Kruger." What's the experiment? I'd try to assemble an army of evil robots. Where? In the comment section, of course. Clean cup. Move down. I am not a robot. These humanoids are not well constructed. A lemon ate all humans. By your command. A lemon ate! A lemon ate! Glamorize your job. I'll start: It's the material hunter! G'day, mates! I know what you're thinking. It's an easy job, right! Not always. Some of these rolls can be quite the blooming challenge to wrangle! Take this filly, for instance. It just doesn't wanna come down. from the rack! Crikey!
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