Tell me tell me the paradox of the human condition.... To place hopes, dreams, desires within our hearts yet relegate them beyond the realm of possibility. It's a badly told joke where the punchline is a hard left hook to the jaw and a full-on punch to the heart... Yet some still think it's funny.. I think it's irony... Maybe overzealous punishment for transgressions, be they real or be they fragments of figments... We can give a total stranger latitude upon latitude... But we can't forgive ourselves. I can't wake you when you've already gone. I can't save you when you're already lost. All I can do is stand on this empty stage when the play is already over. And maybe hoping for a curtain call that will never happen... For an encore that can never be answered. And though we know that the audience will leave and the bright lights must be turned off.... It does not prepare us for the silence and darkness they leave behind. Dearest Universe, Beautiful Sister, Today makes the fourth birthday you have been one and the same with the universe. There are days like this one and the 23rd of January, these very bookends of your life when I can't help but think of you. But there are so many small moments in between... A movie or a song we once enjoyed together... And it can be like a tsunami, crashing over me, flooding my mind, with a lot of back when and might have been. Did I ever tell you? I honestly feel you are the only human being who ever walked this earth who truly understood me. And now? It seems there's no one left. Only me for whatever duration there may be. In countless generations of countless people, there will never be another you. It's not only for the usual reasons that I miss you... I wish you were here for my own reasons that do not apply to anyone else, no matter how painful those losses are. You gave me perspective and definition. I felt more real while you still lived. What am I now? That is the puzzle and struggle, to find meaning and definition in a world without you. I'm still trying. Mainly because you would want me to. Anyway, Happy Birthday. I wish I could call you. I miss you more than any words I could ever say or that I could ever express. It's going on four years and this still hurts. It happens in waves. It surfaces in times when I can not still myself against it. Those are the moments that I hope I'm by myself because it's very difficult not to slip and maybe show that I'm not okay.... Even after all this time. Your number is still on my phone and I am quite sure that by now there is a stranger on the other end of the line. I know I shouldn't resent whoever that might be. It's not their fault that they're not you. I guess I should delete it, but I just can't bring myself to do so. The irony is not lost on me as I look back over these many decades. The first few years after I turned eight years old your constant presence drove me crazy and I wondered just how in the hell I was going to learn to live with you. Then you kinda grew on me over the years. Sister, sister.... These last few years since I was 48 years old, your constant absence has been driving me crazy and I wonder just how in the hell am I supposed to live without you. Since it's about to be four years, I guess our monopoly on starlight will slowly be ending.... The closest star will soon no longer shine with light from when you were still here.... But there are still plenty more stars and maybe I have just a bit more time. You live in my thoughts and in my heart even as life and the struggle goes on. With that, I snap to the present day. Isn't it a strange realization, so very strange indeed, that the decision weighing so heavy on you mind is one you've concluded a long time ago? You knew. You chose. You just forgot. Or maybe it's simply the hypothetical becoming a real world thing. It's like Deja vu gets thicker and heavier with each list of the pros and cons you go over in your mind. You say to yourself you've thought of this before. You realize this is just a review and the choice is still the same. Isn't love beautiful? I think it is the only pursuit worthwhile in an otherwise gloomy world. A comforting hand running through one's hair, reassuring arms cradling one's tired body... Cuddles, snuggles, the calming rhythm of a heartbeat. Genuine affection and genuine care.... The true power of love for those of us still confined as creatures of this Earth.... There is peace in such belonging. But, tell me if you can, just how far would you go to have such love and affection in your life? Let me quote Larry Underwood... Tell me if you can, baby can you dig your man? Can you? "I am the last Martian." "I don't see any Martians." "Don't you?" Tell me, tell me, should I hold fast to my principles, walking, staggering blindly in this dry desert until I collapse? Or might I be happier by saying flark em all? I don't believe there will be anyone there to sort them out. Brush away the sand of the hidden marker and read the lines, "Here lies he who was never compromised. He died alone." Should the choice really be between being right and being happy? Would certain situations really be so horrible? I have done more than my time And I have paid more than my dues. Is it really that damn wrong to think just a little bit about my own needs for a change? I doubt I have a whole lot of time left. Yes, I might still live a long time, but I'll be old soon... And then it will be too late, much too late. There will really be no point to living at all by then. Just waiting on that bastard reaper who took everyone from me except myself. Now, old age will take from me, myself as well. I used to shake my head at the old folks in church singing so joyfully about essentially waiting to die. Now I understand in ways that I wish I didn't. They sang about Jesus. I'll probably be singing about Oblivia instead. Unless somehow I were to find faith again. It's not so easy in this obviously not so grandly designed world. If I could pray, believe me I would. Instead I write. Instead I shout into the void where no god could possibly live. Do you know what I think? Social media is the post modern day way of shouting into said void. Unless you happen to be known by a significant part of the world, the result is about the same, too. Do you want to know what I also think? Survivors and winners are rarely the same thing. Mainly what survivors survive is loss after loss. And that's not winning. (It sure does not feel like winning either) It's merely being the one still alive. I survive, but I did not win. Why? Because it was never a battle, never a contest. My only fight was against fate. The only way I could have been a winner or a champion is if we had all won. Always allies, never competitors with those I love. There is no I in team until (that is) there is only that one letter left. It's not just the politicians that make promises or betray trust. I have never placed my heart in a politician's hands, nor have I ever told a politician in confidence the very secrets of my soul. When one knows the nature of the beast, one also knows better. I just wish I had known better with certain others. Broken promises from a stranger mean nothing at all. A broken promise from someone you love can destroy your whole world. That's the difference between what is real and what is not. That is the difference between the person and the persona. That is the difference between those who need a camera rolling in order to feed the homeless and those who do not. Can you see past this brave stoic face? It gets lonely here sometimes. Bad enough alone. Even worse in a crowd. Shallow people and hollow meaning, shadows all around. Endless talking and nothing ever truly spoken. Faces everywhere but few with realness behind those eyes. Great towering facades, bright neon signs above glittering windows but no rooms and no soul. I never knew so much could have been built from nothing at all. And I have to wonder if there are others who see what I see. That the whole damn world has been on a PR campaign for quite some time now. What would you do if you were suddenly teleported back a few decades with your present day knowledge and wisdom intact? With me, I would make changes all across the board. Professional, personal, financial, career, relationships, and a great many things. I would do so many things differently that I couldn't even tell you where, what, or who I'd be today. It would sure be lovely if life had a practice run where we could make all of our mistakes in. Like quitting the wrong job, taking the wrong course at the Vo-Tech. Electronics bad. Computer Programming good. Absolutely no more entering a marriage doomed to fail... Wouldn't it be nice to say, "Well, that didn't work. Let's do the opposite." If parallel universes exist, I am sooooo jealous of the parallel me that got it right. Im just a shadow. I'm like a parallel version from the mirror universe. I'm like Evil Captain Kirk or Gotee Mr Spock. I think I'm in the wrong damn universe. I don't exactly feel quite right, you know. Something is off. Something is out of place. Not just with the world, but with my own mind. As Tuvok said, I know where I am. I'm just not exactly sure of who I am. I seem to be in a sort of flux. I guess if I were an amoeba I could just split into two separate beings. I just don't think the resulting two creatures would get along so well. One longs for logic and reason. The other wishes to blindly follow passion. Yet they both burn within that same particular flame. The Great Cosmic Wie has been caught in a distortion rendering navigation impossible. I am not sure of where this came from or why it's here, but I have been out of my mind! Ah, temptation eyes that mesmerize. A pretty face out of place. Temptation eyes with a big surprise. Oh and one space cadet completely out of time. They must have been singing about those hazel eyes over there. You know? The ones in which you can lose your soul in more ways than one. Not that I know them. But as Anakin Skywalker once said, I would certainly like to. And as Khan Noonan Sighn once said, I never forget a face. And as Emperor Palpatine once said, Goooooooood! Few journeys take a single step, but for some that final step is realizing you've been there for a while now. Borderlines of the mind are quite something. You can't go by coordinates or by latitude and longitude. You might think you're just now crossing that fence when the truth is said fence has long disappeared behind and beyond the horizon. You may think the idea may have only now occurred to you a day or so ago, but it has in reality been dwelling in the subconscious for years. And now? And now you find yourself looking around and seeing for the first time. Welcome home. What have I become? There is what I can control. There is what I can not. I have done my absolute best. To care beyond your ability to act is to drive yourself insane. I have done the best I could. I have given so much more than many would. There comes a time when we are on our own. I am grateful for all the help I have received during those tough times. Why should I be expecting more now? They've done their best and I have in turn done my best. The rest is truly up to you. On the outside looking in, You could never intervene in any battle that exists only in another's mind. But you can be there, hand extended, should they ever choose to reach out. Many who reach wisdom that the entire world is just too damn heavy for any mere single set of shoulders, will eventually.... reach out. All we can really do is simply be there. It may not sound like much.... But in a world of apathetic complacency it can damn near be a superpower. The mind is a hell of a thing. And what can overwhelm from within and take control of your soul... Just might surprise you.. Oh and not pleasantly. I'm not saying demons and devils are real, but I am beginning to wonder just how much free will we really do have when the body can suddenly decide to flood the brain with chemicals and hormones and lead you around by the nose. A soul can never be truly be free when trapped in the flesh. Either we spend a lifetime fighting or we simply go with the flow. When you feel powerless to help another, just show some love. Love is far stronger than anything the world (within or without) can throw at us. Still... While caring does you credit. While your compassion shows your heart and soul... We can't keep breaking our own hearts over what is beyond our control. It makes no difference when there's no point, and there's no point when it makes no difference. You shouldn't kick yourself over what other people do. It's hard enough keeping yourself straight. Much harder for others. You can point the way, but you can't force another down the path. Friends, I haven't exactly been myself of late. I'm not sure how or why, but my thoughts have made a turn and there are things I can't seem to get out of my head. A switch has flipped and a breaker has fried. Something has changed. I try to be logical but logic escapes me. My inner Vulcan seems to be struggling to keep control. Control, control, control. Give me back my control! It seems the ship has found itself caught in a temporal rift, A time warp. Shall we do the time warp again? Fire... Burning.. A New Pon Far. My world is fire. My mind is aflame. Burning! Burning! Burning! I have long resisted the flames, but they are overwhelming me now. Brighter! Hotter! Burning! This fire. This desire in flames. Burning! Aflame! Madness! Desire! Only one flood could quench it. I burn. I am in flame. As I climb the many steps of the temple, I still burn. The sun of my homeworld burns down upon me, though inside I am already ablaze. Step upon step, I continue to climb. This time I have no power to turn back. So I climb higher on the steps as the sun climbs higher in the sky. My destiny awaits at the top. Will I be up to the challenge? Will I be able to appease the gods? By doing so will I be free? Or shall I belong to them forever? I stayed in space for too long. I thought I could endure, resist, overcome. I was under the perfect delusion fire could not burn in the vacuum of space. But the sun is aflame, burning, seething, ablaze! I resisted, but it did not bring me peace. Now, I am on fire. Burning! Burning! Burning! And I must seek out what I have long denied, long defied. A long destiny waiting in anticipation, needing what I must give, giving what I must have. Destiny awaits and I must choose whether to try and quench this insatiable thirst. (temporary subject shift) I dreamed I was actually watching a movie on TV and here was the plot: In an alternate universe either Earth or some rogue planet... (Maybe that one that shattered and became the asteroid belt) orbited Jupiter so close that it filled half the sky.... Despite that it was still Earth-like..... Forests, oceans, humans and our technology. The big difference was religion. Most of the people treated Jupiter as some sort of god.... And the giant red eye is watching now, watching now. I guess melding the Roman god with the planet named after him.... There was this repeating cycle of atmospheric phenomenon that made the giant red spot appear to glow brightly on certain days. In the Jupiter religion it was supposed to be some sort of holy day and the entire population was required to join a festival of sorts... The story itself was told from the point of view of a human from our own dimension who got teleported there, didn't pick up on the social ques and was branded as a heretic, and revolves on his trying to get back to his own universe. (Yes, I made this up in my sleep!) Yet it was only a subplot of this ever complicated, strange dream. I was watching this movie on a TV in some old man's house. He had a strangely formed daughter and an even stranger grandchild who was apparently the product of some bum of a boyfriend of the daughter, living in the house and mooching off the old man's life savings, I guess. This I never said or asked, just gathered from what I saw... It looked like a sad life for old man, daughter, and baby alike. The bum was just there like furniture, except for maybe consuming the food from the fridge. All the while, the red spot on the old man's TV glowed brightly. And the Red Eye Of Jupiter is watching now... And I woke up thinking W, T, and F... And sleepily murmuring how they should repent before the mighty red eye. I have a mighty imagination when I am awake.... But... Being asleep takes it to a whole new level. Sometimes I wonder if writing this all down would get me into the writers guild.... Or the nuthouse? Now if these were all symbols, what would they mean? The old man, the daughter, the bum, the lost soul who did not bow to Jupiter. The strange planet. The strange culture. That strange land what did it all me. The fire.... Burning, burning, burning.... I have used the last of my strength to climb the stairs, the flames of Pon Far burning me inside.... Burning, fire, flaming, blazing! Purge me of my emotion and give me back my control! Suddenly the world begins to spin and all is darkness. I wake up in a pool of my own sweat.... As if a high fever has finally broken... And the clearness so sudden in my mind surprises me. I have to wonder the permanence of this clarity. Have I only temporarily surfaced from the waters of madness? Will I be going down soon? And if so, how would I feel about it? Questions, questions, but never answers. Where did the middle go? Between the plain lunatics and the religiously insane? When did the world become a choose your own madhouse adventure? I believe in the preciousness of human life. I believe in the freedom of things. I also believe in freedom from those same things. I believe in live and let live. I also believe in leave me alone. It's a big world. We can have our spaces and our places. We can live and love and pick from a thousand paths to happiness. And we don't have to hate those who think differently. It would be a boring bland world if we all thought exactly the same. No point in exchanging ideas if we're all carbon copies. And I'll say one more thing: I'd change my world for just a little love. But I guess that's neither here nor there.
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