Pi Day Friday Eve

Hello Universe. 

How are you my friend? How goes the moment? What is the time? And the million dollar question? Will we meet again? I hope so. Otherwise, all existence throughout the cosmos of space and time would have no poetry, much less reason or rhyme. If there is any motivation to face the day, it is to know, somehow, somewhere, some way even today, you're out there and okay. Nobody knows me here, not really. They know a face they remember a name, but it's not the same. Somewhere in a place only I can know is a treasure chest of secrets, containing nothing of monetary value, but a whole lot of me. There can be found all the things they don't know. Welcome again to the why of Wie, where I try to explain to myself just who I am and just why that is. Okay.. Enough heavy stuff. Clean cup move down. I just realized tomorrow is Pi Day Friday. Or is that Friday Pi Day? Who knows? It's probably a wonderful, wonderful day for pie. Oh, and Saturday? That's Caesar Salad day, at least according to Brutus and Cassius. Not me. Caesar was alright in my book. Who else would deliver pizza to all the Roman Empire? Bread and circuses, pizza, and pie. The dude was an alright guy. Anyhooo, this morning, I forgot something in an extremely dumb way. No, not as bad as the underwear dream where you suddenly realize you forgot to put on clothes, but still bad enough that I'm not going to say what it was. Ah, but after a whirlwind trip home (and I do mean whirlwind), all is well. I would say my driving was worthy of NASCAR, except it was even better because I wasn't going round and round in silly circles, which has never been able to inspire much enthusiasm out of me. I would say it was more like Mad Max in the Road Warrior. But, anyway.... Problem solved. I might have been gravely disappointed earlier, but all is well now. Ah, except now I appear to be having old people problems this morning. What do I mean? I mean that if only the muscles in my damn neck would untie all the knots in them, my day would be peachy gweechy. Damn. Sometimes, I think the human body is the iron maiden for the human soul. I guess this kind of punishment figures if I've done gone and made the king angry. Note for future reference: Quit ticking off the King! Human body: We don't seem to be in enough pain. I got it! We'll make balloon animals out of our neck and shoulder muscles! Hooray! I am now in considerable pain! No wonder old folks are grumpy. Now, get off my lawn! It's just been a crazy week, and I feel I am ready for a chance to sit back and breathe. I rocked, and I rolled. Now I need to rest. I do awesomely, but I'm only human at the end of the day. I feel like I need to get both mind and body right again. Don't get me wrong, I'm still rockin' despite being a bit worse for the week's wear... But... Yeah... I need a bit of me-time. Some reassembly is required. I need a recharge. It's been a good run, but it's been a long one. I need to be reminded that there's more to life than just work and sleep. I know you know what I mean. We don't live on bread alone, liquid or otherwise, do we? Yeah. There really is no escape from the fun, is there? Ah, not really. Ah, but there is good news: I have tomorrow off for a change. After a nice morning of waking up slowly, actually to the sun shining, I'll make my town run for food and meds... And, since the weather pattern is being a Saturday troll for a lot of us weekday workin' folk (Gonna storm here like a sonofagun after being so beautiful outside all week long while I'm stuck in that factory) Looks like I need to get my yard work done after my town trip. If not, I won't get the chance. Thems the breaks. Ah, but the sound of the rain sure makes good napping weather, so there's the consolation prize. I might do some computer stuff despite my resolve not to spend my weekend trapped in a screen. I mean if it's raining, what else is there to do but sleep? I'll just see the way things roll. Either way, this day couldn't possibly be over fast enough. I've had my fun for king and country. Now, I want to do something for myself.   I can find most anything I want on the internet. Information, the answer to most any question. I can order a variety of items from Amazon. Or... If you know just where and how to look, movies, music, games... Damn near anything within reason (As Morgan Freeman said in the Shawshank Redemption). Except of course for friends... Well, human friends. (Robots are easy) That is indeed with the special exception of the few yet wonderful internet friends that I met back in the days before. You are awesome and it is an honor to know you. I am glad we're still friends to this day. However if the internet of present day is my only way of finding friendship and especially anything beyond... Well... It's pretty much a guarantee I'm gonna be that old hermit we used to read about in fairy tales. I miss the internet of old, the internet of possibilities. I miss the realness. I miss the humanity. A pretty picture can inspire. A sexy picture can arouse. A well told story can intrigue. But all the above could very well be robotic in nature, or a human absolutely not being real about who they are. I can not trust the internet for something so important. A picture and some text will never be enough for me. Neither can a video or a disembodied voice. It just won't work with me. Of course real life has not exactly been kind or forthcoming in that regard... You could say I have met someone, but you could also say they're not exactly meeting me. Bummer really, but no point in whining here. I have accepted that if the internet is my only option, then it is simply over. Therefore I must find alternative means of being happy with what I have (and don't have). I guess I am still trying to figure out what that means. What exactly is my pursuit of happiness? Only I can know, right? What does a glorious Captain do when that ship wrecks and we find ourselves alone on an island? What if there is no more treasure to be found? Do we build a hut, fish all day and fall asleep to the sound of the surf? I guess it does not sound all that bad, does it? Maybe if a crate of rum washes ashore, yarrrr! Am I so stuck on this human drive and instinct, this need for connection, this need for closeness, this longing to be truly loved by someone? Is there really no escape from this genetic programming? And this of course brings me to my next question: Can the human spirit, emotional and intellectual, ever rise above the creatures that gave us rise? I wonder. I would like to believe there is more to me than this biological organism, so prone to instincts and drive... Though I know I can't say I'm not that creature at all. That would be a lie. Because there is a definite primal component to me. Just try getting between me and my food. Grrrrr! I admit to being this living, thinking, feeling creature of flesh and blood. Still I hope I am maybe more than just that. I can't exactly escape this creature I am, but I want to be more, oh so much more. There's more to existence than just food and sleep and huhuhuhuhuh hmmm-hmmmm scoring. Not that any of these things are bad.... They are in fact, cool uhhhh huhuhuhuh... But.... There has to be more.... After all most creatures that walk, creep, or crawl on this Earth, consider that particular 'holy trinity' as hallmarks of a successful life, even if subconsciously... I want more... I want my existence to mean more than just continuing the species, of which I've already done my part. I need to be more. I want a legacy of so much more than my genetic code. Maybe I shouldn't want more. Maybe the key to happiness is being content with the creatures we are. The problem is we humans have way too much brain matter upstairs to be happy with that. Okay, I can only speak for this particular human being, but it is most certainly how I feel. I want more and I need to be more. I did not spend a whole lifetime being born for anything less. Still... I'm a human and quite a mess of a human at that. I suppose if you're looking for someone who never messes up, never falls short, doesn't disappoint you once in a while, never falters, never fails, well.... There's no one here, but we humans. I do honestly wish I could be what some people wanted. But, with expectations like that, it's an inevitable fall. The problem with high pedestals is that it's a looooong way down. All these decades, and I still don't have this figured out. I am starting to realize I probably never will. Scattered like the leaves in the wind, scrambled like the eggs in the pan, so are the days of my thoughts, these... err... hmmmmmm..... days? This is my brain on nothing.... No drugs needed for this trip. Nope... Simply being me is a total ticket on the Funway Rocket Powered Roller Skate Express.... Say it with me: Wile E Coyote, super genius. I am truly a being of contradictions. Sometimes, I want to be seen, so tired of feeling invisible. Sometimes, I don't want to be noticed at all, to be left to my thoughts and to the task at hand. Sometimes, I feel lonely. Sometimes, I wish to be left alone. I'm like, leave me alone but please don't leave me alone. If it makes no sense to you, don't worry. It makes no sense to me either. Leave me in peace, but please don't leave me. Ever feel like you need a vacation, not just from your job, but from yourself and from your whole life? Not forever, just a while. The person or company that invents a way to be somebody totally different, living a totally different life for two weeks, is gonna be filthy rich. Sometimes, I feel as if I need to get away, just to be able to breathe. It's like oxygen has pulled an Elvis and left the building, and I need some freaking air. I'd like to think I am a kind, considerate, patient being, but I guess I have my limits beyond which I can quickly change into a grumpy, impatient jerk. Ah, but it takes a long time. It also takes a push beyond anything remotely reasonable. Today, I find myself teetering on that particular brink. I guess it would be best if I were to temporarily remove myself from the situation. It's the only way to keep Lord Vader at bay. Damn it. Am I the only one seeing the absurdity so plainly before my eyes? Stop it, just stop it. I really feel like I'm being used. I care, but it seems I only matter sometimes. Oh well... Clean cup move down. It's crazy how certain things bring back feelings I thought I've dealt with, at least in some way. Apparently not. I watched a YouTube video about the so-called "perfect victim" in Victorian dramas, these tales of beautiful women gone before their time, and a big BS line of how suffering supposedly made them beautiful. I don't buy into that nonsense. I was already thinking of someone who did suffer but should not have. She was... Is.. beautiful... But that had nothing to do with the things she went through. I glanced up from my computer to her picture on my wall.... No... She deserved so much better... Three years gone, yet there are walking scumbags still alive who actually deserved it when my baby sister damn sure didn't! People so low down that they would outright fake being terminally ill in a vain ploy for sympathy, nonetheless still alive and well today. (My ex was just as lousy at dying as she was at being a wife or a mother). In short, It seems this world smites the good people and blesses the freaking lowlifes instead. It's just not right. If there were still any sliver of belief in an ever present, all knowing god, watching, truly seeing, ensuring all be just and right, then it left me the same day my sister left this world. She was beautiful indeed, especially her spirit and soul. She was courageous, and she stood tall for what was right, stood by her beliefs and convictions. She did not need to die to be an angel. She already was one in my book. There was no need to take her from us. It's funny how my train of thought can so quickly go careening off a cliff, just from some stupid, idiotic YouTube video. I admit it, I'm still angry, at the fates, at the world, and especially at myself. I think of many times when I could have been a much better person to my baby sister, and times I should have been much more of a jerk to my ex. Because Marsha deserved better and the ex deserved far worse. But the time is far removed now. That young fool is long gone, and this old soul full of regrets is all there is left. I can not change the past and it is far too late now to do what is right. Just like Red, I've got to live with that. Welcome to my mind. Buckle up, baby. We're going for a ride. See? I am definitely no angel myself. This is not meant to be an excuse, but I've been through quite a bit in these decades, so long and so short, all at the same time. I hold this chip against fate for how it has been too cruel to some and far too kind to others. And it is far too late to wait for anything to ever be right. Or at least some things. Now, I have enough past regrets and wrongs to understand that I'm not some innocent babe in the woods who didn't deserve at least some of this heartache. Still, I'm not some demon either. No angel, just a human being that has absolutely no control over the past. I am somebody else these days, hopefully somebody better. If living through all that I've seen could have any meaning at all, I would hope it would be about learning and growing, becoming more than what I was... We may be physically born after nine months, but I say it takes so much longer for the wise beings we are meant to be.... In fact, it's something I am still working on. In the meantime, along with the wisdom and maturity I have gained through the figurative fires I've been through, I have also picked up a few quirks, quarks, and Captain Kirks along the way. Some of these I have to keep from the world because they would think I'm crazy and maybe I am. Am I a bit worse for wear, mentally, physically, emotionally? If so, then I've earned it. I am tired of so many things. I am certainly tired of being used... If they're going to keep me on the periphery, in the figurative Outer Mongolia of the Friend Zone, then maybe I shouldn't be obligated to anything at all. Maybe I should be as done in reality with this situation in every way as I already feel I am. What the hell am I? Who the hell am I? Damn it. Maybe this time, I'm the one who deserves better. It this my purpose? Can this really be my only existence? I think not. I most certainly hope not.. Am I really still such a damn fool? I guess for certain people, I am. Though, I shouldn't be. I really shouldn't be. Why, why, why, and when, when, when? I have seen enough struggles to feel that maybe I have earned at least a bit of peace. Surely, on the other side of the fire is a lush green coolness, peace in the valley without having to freaking die for it. Friends, I am done. Not with everything, but with a great many things. I don't claim to have had it any rougher than anyone else, but I have been through enough of my own trials and tribulations. It is my hope that I am a better being for them, but I also happen to believe I have had my quota, paid enough dues. And as Danny Glover said on Lethal Weapon, I'm just too old for this shit. I still believe in give and take, in live, and let live. I still believe in kindness, compassion, and caring. But I do not believe in being used. Love and understanding should always be a two-way street. Damn it, I am so tired. It's not just the one who has exiled me to the figurative Gobi Desert either, but my own flesh and blood, too. I understand the struggle of starting out, but still, my grown kids (each in the ways that they are able) need to start taking more responsibility for themselves. I did what I could. I was left to raise them by myself a long time ago. I did what I was supposed to do, maybe not perfectly but to the best of my ability. I have only so much sanity and only so much of life giving blood running through my veins. Can't a certain number of folks carry their own for a change. Must I have to still carry the whole world? Shouldn't it be time for everyone to be responsible for their own lives? I hate to be echoing the words of my mother, but what are you going to do when I'm gone? I am under no illusion that my position is any less temporary than my father's or my grandfather's. I am on borrowed time here. Make no mistake about that. I plan on staying around as long as I can, but I am getting tired all the same. Believe me, I want to live and certainly not die. But living is the key, This plain out existing as a freaking meat robot to go out and work or a goddamn ATM machine that doles out money or a free grocery store ain't cutting it, dude. I have worked full time since I was 19. Supported myself and others since I was 25. Never ever since my own mother and father have I had anybody else contribute to keeping me sheltered, clothed, and fed. I've been doing for myself for a long, long time... And for others, too. Now, I'm not saying this was a problem back then, but I think it's getting time for me to reclaim what I lost a long time ago. If I must deal with the downsides of being alone, then I think it's only damn right I get the perks, too. Hell, and even this is cold consolation that could never keep me warm. Its like freezing my butt off while still carrying the weight of a heavy jacket. Ironically, not cool, huh? Basically, I mean this: Outside of working and sleeping, I ought to be able to freely decide what I want to do and where I want to go, even when the answer is nothing and nowhere. I ought to be able to walk into.a store, see something, and say, "Hey, I like that", "Hmmmm, I think I'll buy it", just as happened with my first CD player in the mid nineties. That's what I want, to have my life from the mid nineties back, even if I'm older now and there are far too many people missing from my life that I stupidly took for granted back then. It's not everything that I wanted, but it would be a start. I guess even a fake rewind button is better than none at all. The missing, however, would always remind me that it could never be real. This is what I carry in addition to everything else. It can not be helped for there is no help within the laws of physics. Only a god like miracle would ever save me from this inevitable fate. It's not the way I wish it to be, just the way that it is. Blows harder than a hurricane. Still, I must face up to it. I must stand tall, even when I feel like curling up and giving up. I can't. It would not be fair to them. In a messed up way, this may be my only chance to at least do something for them. Now let me just clean cup move down.... Soooooo... When was the last time I did a good diss track about social media? Really? That won't do at all. Yo, yo, here we go! I'll get you wabbit, yohhhhh! Yeah It's a vortex, but sometimes I still feel the pull of it, and despite knowing better, around that drain, I'll go once in a great while... Some human interaction and a dopamine rush if I'm lucky. A bunch of stupid bullshit if I'm not. Spin that wheel, baby needs a dopamine hit, woooooo! Damn it! It's just the wacko tagging me in shit that doesn't have anything to do with me. Oh, some jerkwad highlighted a post. Whoopty freakin dooooo. Notifications that do not originate from an actual human being specifically interacting with me need an optional "Go to hell" button. Mainly because it's a bummer to see that bell light up and it turn out to be BS. Not that I am holding my breath or hanging on every second for human being to say hello... Although... Let me just say HELLO, THERE! But still I don't need no stinkin' notification if it does not involve a real person. Then there is still the politics, the religion, and the bullshit ads. my favorite example? Intrusive Ad in my feed: "Do you have memory problems?" Me: "Yes, because......" [in my best Samuel L. Jackson voice] "I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing!" It's the same old shit show but they're pretty good at temporarily convincing me otherwise...