A Proverbial Box of Chocolates

Hello, Universe.

How are the waves on your side of the dimensional divide? I'm okay, here on earth. There may be minor turmoil as different aspects of myself vie for the wheel of ship and state, but all is as it always was... At least in that particular regard. You'll see it in the different courses these writings take. I am that proverbial box of chocolates. You never really know what you're going to get. It's not some outside influence. No matter where I go, it's always me. Many things about me are quite simple. I am a human being with simple human needs. But this particular being is quite complicated. I have seen a lot of things in my life, things that have changed me. I am not the same and can never be again. Closing the barn door after all the horses have escaped would be a mute action. It seems entropy and simplicity are opposite numbers. The former increases with time, and things can never be simple again. I can never go back to my former self any more than I can travel in time. Would I want to? To do so would mean willful ignorance to the truths and hard lessons I have learned. This is something I could never do. Not if I wish to take myself seriously. So, it seems I am trapped in the here and now. I call it "the future" because I get this feeling that I don't exactly belong here. Why do I go on? Obligations to the past and to the people there I shall always love. And so I continue. Even if I don't exactly know where I'm going. Ever get sick of your own dreams? I do. Too many aspects repeat and there seems to be no escape. Ever just wonder what in the hell is going on with your own mind? Shouldn't I Know? Isn't This me? Maybe it is. Maybe it's not. If it is, then I apparently have no control at all. Man, these crazy dreams about being back with the ex have got to stop! This one had an interesting aspect, though. I was driving somewhere. She was in the passenger seat giving hell and throwing shade as usual. Somehow this distracted me from the road ahead, I missed my turn, left the road, and hit the bank in such a way that I went airborne Dukes Of Hazard style. YEE-HAW! I found my car had landed on a high plateau (no such thing in my part of the world)... Got out of the car and guess my first thought: Am I okay? Is my car okay? NO! Sorry you don't win the prize. My first thought was, Wow, the sunrise is beautiful up here. Let me take a picture! I can't understand why I keep having these damn dreams! Figures, though. Back with a train wreck and in a car wreck, two of my greatest fears. Ah, but what a beautiful sunrise! Freud vould most definitely say I am totally vaaaaked oooop in za head. And I have to say, with dreams like that I can hardly disagree. I bet I really could make some head doctor famous. Ah, too bad I can't afford one. Also, I happen to like living unconfined (At least physically) and also, I prefer my jackets have sleeves that do not connect to one another. I mean really, what a fashion disaster! How am I supposed to walk down the runway like that? I'm trying to be funny here. Please tell me that made you laugh. Either the case, I do believe the time has come to move on down with another nice clean cup. How long ago? How long has it been? That was a question recently randomly put to me by one of the rare people I would actually answer. For most, I would say it is none of their business. Ah, but isn't it weird that I would write about it here? Ah, but you, my friends, Romans, Robots, and strangers are different. There is also sufficient remove and plausible deniability. Anyway, It was a simple question, but the answer is anything but. It has been a very long time. I was also a very different person. It might as well have been in another lifetime, ah but it wasn't. Let's just call her Tuesday, second of two, but first on my mind for a long while. It was a very unexpected and unusual circumstance I had found myself in. To understand why or to at least try, you would have to go a bit farther back in time. 15 years ago, I was abandoned, discarded, demonized and played for the biggest fool of all time. This was the deepest injury at the time to my heart, soul, self-worth and confidence I had ever seen. I was blindsided and devastated. I was left alone on such a state. And while I might have not been some completely innocent babe in the woods, I was still lost and vulnerable. Most of all, I needed love. I needed to feel that I was worthy of love, not broken, not something you would just throw away. I can't really find the words to describe the state I was in back then. Suddenly she was there, but not completely, never completely. As I said it was an unconventional situation. These days, I am in a better state of mind, and I also happen to know better. In short, I would never allow it because certain situations, no matter how well intended, never lead anywhere good. See, it was agreed upon in the beginning that I was not supposed to catch feelings for her. It was a relationship without the relationship. But. It would seem I am not among the lucky ones who can so easily separate the physical from the emotional. I fell hard and I fell fast and just had to keep my mouth shut about it. It's not so easy. In the meantime, the situation itself caused serious problems in other areas. No doubt, the fact that I was involved didn't help matters. I can't go into all the details. It turned out to be a big mess with a lot of hurt feelings, mine and others. It all ended about nine years ago with a strange combination of feeling guilty and responsible, yet used. On one hand, I could have said no in the beginning. On the other, that would have been a very difficult thing to do. Maybe somebody better, somebody stronger could have refused. But I either couldn't or wouldn't. I was lonely and I was needing to feel loved in at least some way. And even today I can't say these feelings have ever been exactly resolved. Coming so soon after a breakup of what I thought was going to be the only romantic relationship of my life, these broken feelings were just piled upon other broken feelings. There is no real separating or sorting them. In short, it is one big mess. I have since learned to live with certain things and without certain others. It's not so easy. So, anyway it's been just shy of a decade, if you need an answer. The answer to another question is only two. The ex and Tuesday, one and two, nobody else before or since. I need to start my own monestary, wear a brown robe, do chants and make wine. Noscoricus Everus Unm. Maybe I should take a vow of silence too. I think I need a very very clean cup move down. Present day, wake up, wake up! Hello, it's me. I'm not exactly that Rundgren dude, but I'm hopefully still pretty, if with a little less glitter. Hello, it's me. It's strange how I get this impression once in a while that some people see right through me. I play this role with due diligence, even if I did not choose it. Basically I never had a choice, at least any realistic choice. Besides, that particular pendulum appears to be swinging in the opposite direction. In other words, it would cause me great harm to drop the bullshit. Therefore I can never enter this particular stage as myself. Still, I get the feeling that some see me anyway, that a misspoken word, absolutely correct, was never misspoken at all. So or not, I do not live in a world free to confirm or deny. My silent approval and hidden smile is all I can do. Still it is nice to think of myself as truly seen. Such is the way and such are the times. Maybe someday. I am not sure but it seems I may have developed a small following. Humans or robots is anybody's guess, but I am currently leaning towards the latter. What human being would have the patience for all of this? Do you know what would really be hilarious? A total riot? Pure comedy gold? If it were some robot trying to train AI or something like that. Why? because that robot, like a magazine and me, is going to have issues, man. Roger Roger. After all, writing is my cheap therapy. Doctor Blog-ieo recommended. I go a bit insane here so I don't go crazy anywhere else. Consider this my idea of bailing wire and duct tape for mental health maintenance. Sure it'll hold together. I hope. C'mon, baby, hold together. I'm giving it all she's got, lads! Captain, this is all I can give ya! Use my ramblings at your own risk. You might find yourself in the mess as the Federation when they tried the same thing with a Doctor Richard Daystrom. Christ Jesus, please don't base SKYNET on me. It will not go well. Imagine the terminator with these heavy thoughts. On the bright side he might fall head over heels in love with Sarah Conner. Ha! A better plan for SKYNET! Terminators can't become fathers so no John Conner! Your welcome SKYNET. Just remember to spare my life on Judgment Day. I wonder if the human mind, spirit, and soul are truly made of energy and complicated frequencies, are there harmonics? Do we resonate, thus manifest elsewhere? Are the ones I so dearly love still out there in this specific way? If so, then Hello, Universe. I can not count the ways that I miss you. It seems like yesterday, but it has been a long time. More than an echo, more than a shadow, timeless, eternal, so long as this heart can still feel, you shall always be. Hello, hello, hello. Can you hear me? Are you okay? What is it like so far beyond what I've ever known? I seem to still tied to the earth, bound to this body. I seem to still be here. There are times that, at least to me, this world can be a scary place. (Mainly because of some of the people in it). I guess it's only natural for humanity to have its primal aspect. Civilization has helped humanity rise above many things. Still, we see a lot of the uncivilized even in civilization. I can't even completely exclude myself. It takes serious effort on my part to display my better nature, especially when under stress, though I really do try. Try as I might, my inner caveman is still there, even as I make my best effort to keep him in his place. There is a fact that this ex-con on YouTube, who did about ten years in prison, reiterates often in his videos. No matter how big and bad you are, there will always be somebody bigger and somebody badder. And I would add that it would be no good for even the biggest and baddest to be in a constant state of war. Who wants to spend their whole life fighting? Not me. I prefer peace. There are times I have to remind myself that while some things require a stand, many others are just not worth the trouble. Nope. No matter how much a certain little creep needs to be taught a lesson about personal space, especially mine. Though I might have to go all out stone age if it doesn't stop soon. Ah, but that's another story. Step away, inner caveman! Bad caveman! Put down that club, ooga booga! I want to live in peace. No constant war for me. I'll stay in my lane. It just gets my goat (Mahahahaha!) when people try to get in mine. One thing to remember is that even when you are right as rain and the other person is wrong as sin, you'll never convince them or change their minds. Pride is a hell of a thing, you know. I state my mind once and only once. Beyond that, I do not waste my time arguing. From that point on, it is all about their choice to be wrong, not my inability to enlighten them. Also, you can't fix stupid. Believe what you will, but belief does not make it so. It also does not pay to be aggressive and antagonistic out in the world, no matter how much you desire to answer fire with fire. There is no 'winning' in such situations. As they say, when it comes to certain assholes, the only way to win is not to play the game. And if you worry about justice, don't. It will come. See, those types are bound to eventually encounter someone just like them. The law of averages says so. It will not be pretty. And best of all it will not involve you. Remember, their is a lot of good and kindness in this world too. Be kind to the kindhearted and try to ignore the anal retentives out there. Believe me, they'll get what's coming to them. It's not just Karma, but the almighty law of averages that will bring justice. Behold the clean cup of justice! Move down! Sometimes, I think my own body hates me. I can assure you that the feeling is mutual. My neck muscles like to tie themselves into knots. I pulled a muscle or whatever, and now my upper left arm is black and blue. I look like I lost a fight, and I feel that way, too. I know pain is part of life, but haven't I reached my quota for the last few weeks? Black and blue arm. black and blue toes, muscles so knotted they could be balloon animals. Who's running this show? Pinhead from Hellraiser? Darth Vader and his interrogation droid?Look I'm ready to talk. The rebel base is on Dantooine! Now, please just make it stop! I admit to being a bit of a baby about pain. Basically, I feel like shit and I want to get away, but there's no escaping one's own body. At least no temporary ones. I think a soul who enjoys pain would be far better suited to this body, and that this particular soul who hates pain with a passion can add this to my long litany of things that I don't like about it. It's 2025. Where the hell is my sexy robot body? Give me my rockin robot body, so we can donate this one to some masochist who will enjoy it. This pain makes me in no mood at all for the inevitable bullshit that comes with making a living, either. After all I've been through in my life, there are certain organizations that absolutely have no right to impose any rules on me. The Humongous will not be denied. Besides, some rules are impossible to enforce because I'm just smarter than the average bear. Breaking them is kinda fun, just what I needed for these dull days. Catch me if you can. Like Sinatra sang, I'll do this my way. Besides, when you've been in this stupid game for long enough, you discover what I call the two week rule. No bullshit meeting can withstand the two week rule, no matter how they try. It's like an all-powerful god that will not be defied. The one advantage of being stuck in a loop is knowing in advance what is coming around again. Let them learn the definition of a living wage, and maybe I'll consider adhering to some of their bullshit rules. Otherwise, they can go to hell, sit on a hot glowing red rock, and wait. Helen Waite is my associate in charge of my bowing down to idiots. If they're expecting that from me, they can go to Helen Waite. They have no power over me. Trust me, I am not afraid. I am nobody's prisoner, nobody's fool, and I am nobody's slave. (Okay, maybe I am often one particular person's fool, but that's neither here nor there.) My point is, I may not rule the wasteland, but I will rule my own life. That said, clean cup move down. How about I talk about what really matters in my life? The show will go on as will these letters to my dearest universe. Nobody can stop me from doing what I must. The adjustment continues. I can't say it has gone smoothly, but I can say that I'm still here. I know what matters, and I also know what never will. Otherwise, I've just got too much else going on in my life. The home front has been interesting. It's like I forgot to finish moving. My son brought over some things I didn't think I would ever leave behind. I must have been a bit scrambled back in July and August of last year. I guess all of us were and, in some ways, still are. We might roll with the punches of life, but it can be hard to see past the circling stars they leave behind. Among these missed items was a box style stereo (Motorola) that my father bought used in a Tallahassee pawn shop in 1970. It's beat up, a bit worse for wear, and doesn't even work anymore. I guess it would be worthless to anyone outside of we who grew up with it as our centerpiece. And I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars. In the midst of all that going on, I had a bit of a spell. Nothing makes me so angry as to feel weak for no damn reason at all. Then I realized my dumb ass forgot my meds that morning. Yep, that will do it, alright. Why is it so much easier to remember on work days? Because they're more structured than my days off? Probably. Either way, I hate it when that happens. Words are weird, man. Really weird. They can mean so many things to different people. I remember how I once was, how I used to get hung up on certain words. Was I right? Was I wrong? Did it matter enough to be worth the energy of getting all riled up over them? Was it petty? Maybe. We can't stand on every soapbox. We can't fight tooth and nail for every hill. Not if we intend to win on at least some. The whole idea of picking battles is because even the strongest army on earth has limited logistics and resources. One can not conquer the entire world. Me, I'm happy having my own little corner, nothing more and nothing less. Besides, I'm just getting too damn old to constantly be at war. I'm content to stay behind my own DMZ. Now, should anyone cross that line. Well, of course, ya know, that would mean war. But I would definitely prefer peace. Therefore, I save my battles for the big things, and I let the little things go for the most part. And in the grand scheme of things, words are little and talk is cheap. I have written walls and walls of text here, so I should know. Words to me are really a mere means to an end of getting these heavy thoughts out of my head and onto the page. It makes me feel quite lite when it's all said and done. After all this time, it seems I still have a lot to sort out, within and without this mind and the world. I doubt I'll ever be done by the time I am completely done if you get my meaning. Sometimes, I wonder if I should use so much energy and sanity trying. There will probably come a day when none of this matters anymore. Trees fall in the forest every day when there are no eyes to see it happen.. My legacy will go three ways, my children, my land, and a dusty pile of disks.... Maybe there will be a few for a while who will first hand remember me. But far beyond that day will come yet another when I'll be completely forgotten. Maybe somebody will come across these words or those dusty disks and wonder just who this was. I would imagine that, like with all of us, the forgetting will happen slowly over time. First, the people who remember us, then the people who heard stories about us. Otherwise, if you're not a Julius Caesar, a King Tut or Henry, or a George Washington, or an Abraham Lincoln, being forgotten is inevitable. And as Freddy Krueger said, being forgotten? Now, that's a bitch! Right. Said Fred. I suppose we all leave something, but would their be anyone left to understand its meaning? Speaking of a similar grim subject: As the dude in the Twilight Zone movie once said, do you want to see [hear a story about] something really scary? Me neither, but here goes: I had fallen asleep yesterday afternoon and had this really creepy dream. I won't go into the details, but it involved the dead not being properly put to rest. It gives me freaking chills even remembering it. It's like W, T, and F, man! But I guess I get the symbology. But while they might well be symbols, these were real people, true souls, and I once knew them well. And they deserve far better than such a dreadful manifestation, even in my darkest of dreams. For, while I may not know much at all, I know most certainly this: These are beings of light and love and belonging. It is their absence that leaves a shadow, never their presence, but for that terrible dream. This is not the way consciously or unconsciously, that I would ever wish to see them. Yes, I get it. I need to figuratively let the dead rest, and put my past behind me, to live in now, to finally (mentally) properly bury the dead. I know, I know. I still find myself working up the courage to do so. Just, please, please, please, can we stop these damn dreams? If I am to dream of them, let them be happy, alive and well. No damned caskets. No damned corpses. As easily freaked out as I am by these things I find it hard to understand how my subconscious mind can conjure them. It's not cool. Besides. In the end it was just ashes in a small white box with a neatly printed name. And that was disturbing enough for me as it was. Three times in my life have I held such a box in my hands, asking myself, just how in the hell could this be them. And also, I would never be so disrespectful as to not properly put them to rest. It is my solemn promise to do absolutely right by them. Stop the dreams, please. Geesh. How did my thoughts become so dark today? Clean cup, anybody? We all move down. I think this blog has overreached the quota for such dark thoughts.