Hello, Doctor Blog-ieo. It's me, your favorite patient, and goodness, I have been having trouble of late. So let me lie back on the figurative couch and tell you all about them. Some of my problems are outside of myself, like the one hell of a financial pickle I find myself in. Others are quite internal, not to mention, quite infernal. Anxiety is a hell of its own, undiagnosed, untreated, because I can't afford a real mind doctor. It seems that you, the good Doctor Blog-ieo, are the only therapist I can afford. I have to do what I have learned so many times to do, make do. Still, it's so difficult sometimes. The weekend should be either a time to relax or a time to catch up on things around the house. Either way, it should be a break of some kind. Sadly, when anxiety rears its hideous head, there really can be no peace or rest. Even on a weekend. I can't exactly go into details, but it was a newly discovered worry that triggered this whole mess. It just takes over my mind, and it just won't let go. I tell myself to stop, that one way or another, everything is going to be okay, but that part of me just will not listen. I just can't make it stop. I mean, I am in full-on panic, and I know that can't be good for me. I know everything is going to be okay. I know it is. It has to be. That's what I've got to keep telling myself. I mean, it is true. It must be so. I have to get my head on straight. I can't let this bring me down. I can't let it destroy my will and resolve to keep going. It can be overwhelming to take on all at once. It is a dark and scary forest. I can only face each individual tree. It's like an enormous Doom level. I could never make it to the exit if I had to fight all the demons at once. It is only when I can take them on one by one (ideally) or in smaller groups that I would even have a chance of survival. The same is true for these figurative real-life demons that are plaguing my soul. I have to break it down into manageable bits. Maybe I should make a list of the top ten demons that I need to either vanquish or make them retreat. Then maybe I start with the most troubling monster and hope I have a figurative BFG9000 to blast it with. I can never surrender. I have to fight. Sunday, I felt so depressed. I looked in the mirror, and that didn't help. I was a mess in need of serious self maintenance. At the moment, it seemed like a daunting task that would take all the energy in the world. Still, I made myself do it. And I felt so much better after showering, shaving, and brushing my hair. I really felt good for the first time all weekend. I then got in my car, went to town, and spent $99.77 of the 100 dollar bill I had in my wallet on groceries. I was actually proud of how much I was able to buy for that hundred. I later did a bit of research online and found out that my low income would most likely shield me from what I was particularly worried about. It remains a tree in the scary forest, a demon in a crowded Doom level, a concern on my to-do list, but maybe a pinky or an imp, rather than a Cyberdemon on steroids. Only Doom players will get this. In English, maybe that giant unscalable mountain is just a hill to deal with. Another demon I am dealing with is my increasingly dire financial situation. Here lately, If I actually want to buy silly things like food and gasoline and still pay bills, Health insurance, Car insurance, Electricity, Car payment, Loan payment, internet and the bug man, using the old credit card, then I am putting more on the card than I get from my paycheck to pay it back down. My credit card balance has slowly crept up over these last few months to over 2000 dollars. The limit is only 3000, and besides, I don't need that much debt over my head. So, I am resolved to work on getting these bills lowered. I kicked Amazon Prime to the curb last Friday. I haven't been able to order anything for several months anyway, and that's 15 dollars a month right there. I picked a crappier health plan with Obamacare that will reduce my monthly premium from 170 a month to zero in January. So, that's close to 200 big ones that have been shaved off these bills. It's a start, anyway. So I can say I am doing something about it. I should have a two week vacation check coming next month, That will be a grand I can pay down the credit card with. Maybe with these steps in the right direction, things are going to be okay, and even if not exactly fine and dandy, I hopefully can keep the wolf away from the door for a little while longer. Let's chase old Big Bad away. Tree by tree, I'm clearing the scary forest. I doubt I'll ever clear it all, but such is the way of life. There is only so much within my control. I really need to limit my worrying to the things I have the power to change. I say that, but Mr. Anxiety has a way of overruling me sometimes. Of all my demons, anxiety is the king who would sentence me to hell on earth. It seems to me that my reaction to things can be more trouble to me than whatever I am reacting to. Anxiety in a nutshell? Most of the time, it is not that bad, and I can manage it well by affirmations, grounding, and focusing on my breathing. Friday and Saturday, however, were atypical. It had been a long time since the panic demon last paid me a visit. That sonofabitch made up for lost time, though. He is one hell of a monster. I have to fight this monster. I have to win. I also need to maintain my mind as well as my body. I need to engage my thoughts and focus on more than what troubles me. I need to get back into the things that brought me meaning and joy in the past. I need to reconnect with happy memories and resolve to find ways to build new ones. Life is so full of uncertainty, and the unknown is pretty damned scary. Yet you can't be courageous without fear. There is a big difference between being courageous and being fearless. To me, fearlessness is foolishness. A bit of fear gives one a healthy respect for what they're facing. The future scares me more than Pennywise The Clown on crack. Still, I need to be charging into this battle like Rambo on steroids. Hey yo! To survive a war, you've gotta become war. Death is the only certainty in an uncertain life. That's why I think it takes a hell of a lot more courage to live. And living needs reasons and a direction. I need something to work toward, one major goal divided into many smaller ones. I really do need a plan of some kind. What was that whole saying about nobody planning to fail but failing to plan? I need a real plan, something beyond vague generalities. Maybe Plan Z? I hear it's lemon scented. I wish I could plan like Emperor Palpatine. Now, that was a dude who knew how to make detailed, meticulous plans. Of course, those plans didn't allow for the consequences of messing with Lord Vader's kid, but I digress. See, I don't wish to rule the universe. I just want a contented, quiet life where my work is meaningful and fulfilling, and my home is the perfect refuge and shelter. I shouldn't have to activate order 66 or Zap lightning around for that, right? Surely, someone like me is capable of coming up with a simple plan. I'm not Albert Einstein, but neither am I Forest Gump, and that's all I gotta say about that. Well, 370 big ones later for the electric bills, my card is now at 2400. Man this sucks. My paycheck should hit the bank tonight, so I'm going to put as much towards that balance as I can. Still I fear it won't be enough to stop the balance from creeping higher. Like I said, things just can't keep going on this way. I am not the United States government, after all.
Okay the election's over. Thank goodness. Sadly, the politicking isn't. And after all this time, I have absolutely had enough. Still, they just won't shut up. Look, I don't care about anything but my bottom line. When everything is inflating except my pay, life is one hell of a struggle. I don't care what the leader looks like. I don't care which equipment they may have downstairs. All I care about is whether they can fix this mess. Anything else is just bullshit. I am going to unfollow a few folks on a certain social media site. I am tired of the obnoxious political bullshit. The election is over, and I'm sick of hearing it. I knew it would either be gloating or whining, depending on which way it went. And I just don't give a shit. Being they won't shut up, I'll just mute them. There's just certain things I'm not going to put up with anymore. I have long since burned out hearing about a process I've been long too disgusted to participate in. I just want them all to leave me alone. I've got enough of my own problems to deal with. It's all a bunch of hot air from both sides anyway. And that's the opinion of little 'ol me. Everybody has one. But not everybody forces theirs on others. I once heard it said that religion and politics is a lot like a certain member. It's okay to be proud of it. It is not okay, however, to wave it around and put it in the faces of people who don't want anything to do with it. Only bring it out or up for those interested in that sort of thing. And friends, I am not one of those people.
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