Ground Control To Cosmic Wie

 

 

 

Well, hello, all my bodaciously radical dudes and dudettes! Can you say "Bummer, dude!" I sure can. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Cosmic Wie, astronaut, adventurer extraordinaire, intergalactic man of mystery, and when I go, I go boldly, baby. Still, I am getting ahead of myself, aren't I? Sadly, there is not a lot to be found between the stars. Just empty darkness, and I don't really need to leave the confines of my own body, much less the Earth to find that. I'm looking for a bit of love and a bit of light. Light is no problem. Between the stars, glowing clouds, pulsars, and quasars... Light is out there. Love is a bit harder to find. One could live and search for a million years and never find it. I know I should be feeling cool and adventurous, but between you and me, I'm not. The final frontier should sound heroic and glorious, but it seems to me an empty planet, devoid of life, devoid of love. I'll proudly stand and plant the flag, saluting planet Earth all the while. There could be cheers and interviews, ticker tape parades, shouts, and commemorations.. There might well be.... But, I just don't want that anymore. I have no need to be celebrated and be loved by an entire nation, much less an entire planet. I need but just one person. But that one person might as well be a planet beyond the cosmic horizon, a dream so far I could never even see it, much less reach it. Maybe these vast empty distances are just not for me. Maybe I should just retire from this program and buy a nice farm and call it reunion. It's not that I no longer want to venture grandly, but the background radiation can be a bit much, this background pain even more so. I think more and more of melding back with the planet of my birth, where there will be peace, forever and ever amen. Even starship captains need to feel safe and loved once in a while. And why I have to be so damned particular about by whom, i just can't say. All I know is that it could only be you. I thought I was seeing things. You couldn't be real, could you? No, no, no, just a trick of the mind. Certainly there was no way a mere human being could glow, could shine, melt hearts with a smile, capture souls with those eyes, brighten, enlighten, and light up the darkest void for miles and miles? It couldn't be, right? No, no, no, it must be just a hallucination out here on the perimeter, a manifest dream of this lonely creature, lost in darkness. I really must be dreaming, right? I thought I was hearing things, this song of a voice, the outpouring of a beautiful soul with wonderful words that tell a story of mystery, a hero's tale of a long struggle with tenacity and determination to overcome and win, and be somehow greater in those victories. Could I be reading it all wrong? No. I thought maybe there was something wrong inside me for what are these feelings? What is it about this giving, loving, wonderful person who has totally rewired my brain? And just how do I get my old self back again? (You can't) (He's gone) Remember, children, don't do drugs. For one, they're no good. For two, out there is a human being who will get you high just by walking into your life. The problem is never coming close to that high again once paths diverge. The perimeter is a desolate plain where souls, lonely and lost, aimlessly wander and endlessly wonder. They might be legion, but I am merely one, trying to find my way through this longest night, wandering, wondering what to do now that I love you. Logic speaks loudly as if high on the mountaintop, commanding that I just get over this. The heart whispers that logic is quite stupid. I feel I could divide into two very different people... Logical Man vs. Emotional Man. Who would win? I think this time we're gonna find out. And so the battle continues. People thought I was a genius in high school. I am not. People treated me like I was stupid at my first workplace. I am not. I am not the smartest cookie, but I'm not dumb. At least in most ways. Though in some ways I am quite the dumkopf. Even I get on my own case for this. Welcome to my attempted bedtime self pep talk... Alrighty, then!!! You absolute helluva guy, listen up! You did your absolute best. You rocked. You rolled. You were the Ayatollah of rock and rollah, just like Lord Humongous. And even though you may feel gravely disappointed, you should also take heart. Fretting and feeling down and out about something you can never change is a lot like banging your head against an invisible wall. Hell, it's a lot like unrequited love, as in you can not always win even by being your absolute awesomest. This does not reflect badly on you. It's just circumstance and circumstance could make a much better vacuum cleaner than Hoover. Because it just sucks more than anything. This does not make you any less awesome.. Someday, there is gonna be a time, a place, maybe even a person that will see you as that temporal, geographical, lovable missing puzzle piece that absolutely completes the most beautiful landscape... And when that happens, I will be there. Why? Because I am like, totally you, dude. Cheers to my fellow human beings, men, and women of all walks who hold back from expressing their true feelings for fear of being perceived as being 'unreasonable'. Remember.... there is no right or wrong in your emotions. Only that time and circumstance kinda suck sometimes. I think it's so very good to have friends, people who care, people who don't even have to say anything... Just be there. There are some things for which I would give everything I have, everything I am. Words just can't do what I am trying to say here justice. The need is deep. The longing can be overwhelming. I could have the power to take on the world, if only I felt loved. Maybe I wouldn't be so tired, so ready for the loving arms of Oblivia. At least she would not forsake me. At least she would not forget me. At least she would never leave me, never let me go. I am just so tired of this loneliness, so tired of this pain, so tired if feeling like nobody cares for me at all. It seems that all this world wants to do is kick me while I'm down. I can accept reality, just not all at once. I can accept this reality here. I can accept that reality over yonder. I can accept tomorrow's reality. I can accept yesterday's reality.... All these realities are like pills, some harder to swallow than others. One reality pill is far bigger than my head... The one that others can't see because they dream about my dream more than I dream myself. Ever have a rumor you wish were true? I do. Sadly, it is not. Fate, if you're coming for me, don't be half assed about it. Take me and take me all the way there. Don't leave me in some limbo in between. If you can not help me, Universe Kenobi, then let's just quit this cleanly. No more loneliness, no more emptiness, no more pain. No more evils, major or minor, subtle or gross. Give me everything, or take it all away. Don't leave me hanging. Don't leave me hurting. Whether by finding happiness or finally ending this, let's please bring an end to this pain. Damn this pain. Damn this loneliness. Damn this love with nowhere to go, for my dear baby sister, for my mother, long gone. And for the beautiful soul who could never return my love. I am tired of this hurting in my heart every single day. Look, the only thing I want to end is this pain. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I blame nobody but myself for this. I want to live. I want so badly to live, to truly feel alive...... And loved. I so need this. This is far from my wanting to end this. I fear this is killing me, this lonliness and unrequited love. I can physically feel this pain in my heart, like some corrosive toxin, burning deep. Sometimes, it fades, and sometimes it burns with renewed passion, but it is with me always. There is no point in fearing hell when I already live here. No demons, no devils could torture me more than my own feelings that burn day and night forever and ever amen. The older I get, the less certain things matter to me and other things begin to matter oh so more and more.... The rest of the world can fight it out with politics and what is real or not... Because I know what is real here, and how I feel. Now, this has been a bit of a rough week for me. I am not saying this because I want people to feel bad for me, but just to explain myself a bit. Besides there are some things I need to work out myself. Caring (loving) is a wonderful, beautiful thing, but it is also one sure-fire way we hurt ourselves sometimes. And lately, I have been totally kicking my own ass with that one. But, really that's not my point, here. My point is there is nothing left of me to care about the abstract. The world can fight it out without me. Don't go on about responsibility and duty. I spent a long time doing my bit for King and country with the return leaving very much to be desired. That desire being happiness, love, and belonging, Coming home after facing the world.... A home (Not just this old house) involving santuary, peace, and warmth... As Bob Dylan sang, shelter from the storm. And friends, If I can't have this.... If this is how things are gonna be... Then none of all this other malarkey matters. Basically, there is only one thing I want anymore. Either I will have it or I shall have nothing at all. My love, my love. Yes, you are my love. We may not be lovers, but you are the one I love. You are my love, for I love you. I fell in love with your beautiful soul. I fell in love with your deep and true feelings and with the realness in your eyes. I can't tell you the many times I saw the pain there and just wanted to hold you, to comfort you, to be that shoulder, to show you the wonder that I see in you, to give you all of my love. But, I guess it's like Donovan sang it... I might as well try and catch the wind.

In "The Martian Chronicles" TV miniseries (1980) There was the second expedition led by Captain Arthur Black that upon landing on Mars found a recreation of his hometown of Green Bluff, Illinois, 20 years ago, populated by the most loved people of his life, his late brother, his parents, and even the girl that slipped away. To make a long story short, it was a deception of the Martians who rightly didn't want their planet overrun by we humans. My favorite scene was the "Then, you're not my brother Edward", "No Arthur, I am not." scene... Why I bring that up is I often weirdly think of how it would be if I were the captain, and It was I the Martians were tricking. As the ship descends, the dust would clear, revealing the hard pan dirt roads lined by the oaks and pines of Northern Florida. The first to greet me would be my baby sister. We would race to the front porch of our parent's house just like Arthur and Edward did. The parents would be our parents. Instead of 40's big band playing on the turntable, it would be my Dad's 60's rock and roll records playing. And since the Martians could so cleverly read my mind, I sure as hell know who the surprise guest would be. I think the difference is, unlike Captain Black, I would be so afraid questioning all that blissfulness would make it all go away. So you would not get the whole "Then you're not my sister" scene. Nope. Just me slipping away quietly in my sleep. No, unlike the title of Ray Bradbury's short story, "Mars Is Heaven?".... Not quite Heaven. Just the end of a few personal Hells of mine... Grieving the ones I lost who are long gone, grieving the ones still around that I never really had in the first place. I think that even if part of me knew it was all a lie, the rest of me would refuse to believe it wasn't my dear ones back from either obscurity or death. Of all the weapons of intergalactic war, love is the most diabolical.