Five Thousand Years Later

Cosmic Wie awakened in the space capsule 5000 years after flying beyond the moon, where slingshot effect from the planet Venus flung him far into the dark reaches of interstellar space. I knew this was coming. I knew I was going to eventually have it bad for you. I knew it, for it seemed every time I saw you, every new thing I learned about you just made me love you even more. Lady, just where did you come from? Where are you now? Where am I now, and why am I here? I seem to be lost in extremity. One must be careful about being over the moon, for they may find themselves beyond the moon and caught in the orbit of Venus. "Houston, we have a problem."Roger Dodger, Earth is calling." "Can you hear me, Major Tom?" Kinda lonely out in space, isn't it? Do you know what I think? I think we're all like onions, and getting to know each other is having to figuratively peal back layer by layer. On the outside is our appearance and the persona we try to present to the world. With each layer, we get more and more real. Our quirks and quarks and Captain Kirks begin to show a bit... After all, we all have our flaws and imperfections. But have you ever found yourself in a situation where each new layer is more endearing than the last? Where even the quirks glimmer? Yeah, it's kinda weird. And, if I say it's weird to me, it's probably the Twilight Zone to everyone else. I think I'll peek out my window the make sure Rod Serling isn't standing in front of my house, narrating and stuff. There are the things I can change and the things I can not. There is what I can help and what I can't. I still say there is no right or wrong in our feelings. It is in what we do with them and what we don't. Part of the human condition is in realizing we are not robots. We are logical and illogical beings. We go on logic, but sometimes the heart takes over. All I really know is that my greater regret is not for the words I have said, but for what I never said at all. If you think holding back negative emotions is tough, try holding back love. It's not fun. I'll say that much. I really need that off switch that Commander Data has. It would make life a breeze. It would be easy to think of this bleak place with its cold stars as cruel, but I really needed to find myself here. It is the only place I could ever get my mind right again. This cold but painfully hot slap of reality was really the only way to bring back my focus. Falling in love, especially when the one you've fallen for could never love you back, does tend to mess up your perspective. So here I am on my return voyage to planet earth. It is my every intent to make this an actual soft landing rather than a crash. Maybe if I ground myself carefully and properly this time, there will be less improvised trips to Venus. Hey Siri, how does one stop loving someone? I'm asking for a friend.... Correction: I'm asking for a lover but I'm only getting a friend... A friend I don't want to lose, paradoxically because I love her. But, I know I'm eventually going to lose her anyway. Talk about one total bummer, dude. This sucks. Also it's quite painful. Damn, this just hurts. It's gonna keep hurting for a long time. I know it's not her fault. It is most definitely mine. I guess that's why I must live with this pain. It does not mean I have to like it. This is the ultimate form of bullshit. And like I said it is all my own damn fault. I swear, everything I learn about this person makes me love them even more. I swear the paradox with some people (a person) is how the more I learn about them, the more amazing and wonderful they are to me. Isn't that crazy? Yes it is and so am I for keeping on hurting myself. I love her and it's absolutely killing me. I often ask myself just what the hell is wrong with me. I'd like to believe I am reasonable and intelligent human being, clearly knowing what is possible and what is not. Maybe if I were a cold, calculating robot, I'd be better off. Damn these feelings. I have had people tell me that they're my best attribute, but they're no good for me. As I look back on my life, they've caused me more pain than anything. And, this time, I can't really blame them on anybody but myself. Stupid feelings: They're how I kick my own ass. Nothing quite as humiliating as losing a fight with yourself. I do not wish to downplay the importance of our friendship. I value it immensely. But I also know it cannot last. Any self respecting dude will not allow this friendship with me to last, especially if he knew how I feel about her. Even as a friend, I am going to lose her eventually. It's gonna hurt. Especially since I love her beyond any words. I can't even imagine the magnitude of pain I'm gonna feel. I'm losing my dearest love either way. Yep, this is gonna hurt. So, I am trying my damnedest to stop loving her, but I just can't. Not only that, the better I know her, the more I love her. Damn it. Damn this. Damn everything. Just what am I to do? How do I get over this? How do I get past this? My mind knows, but my heart refuses to believe. Never before in my life have I met someone like her. If she was just a pretty face and a nice body, I would have not fallen so damn hard for her. See it's a lot like that song. To know her, really is to love her. I have never met anyone so kind, caring, so giving. I have never seen love so deep, genuine, and true as I have in those beautiful brown eyes. Not for me, but there nonetheless. How I long to be loved in this way. How I wish such beautiful feelings were meant for me. She has the most beautiful soul I have ever encountered. My God. Before I met her, I did not believe a love like hers could ever exist. Maybe I was better off not knowing. I have seen the keys to a most blissful heaven. To hold and be held by this beautiful human being, something I know can never happen. I guess the punishment of Hell is way more effective when I can see heaven from where I stand, grasp how wonderful it would feel to be in her arms. I love her and I can't help it. I love her and I can't stop loving her. But I need to. I really do. These feelings are going to cause me nothing but pain. What am I going to do? I can't make her love me. And even if I could, it would be meaningless if she didn't choose to by her own free will. Though, really I am finding it very difficult to not love her. I can't make her love me and I can't make myself not love her. I just do. I want her to be happy. I just wish she could be happy with me, so I could be happy, too. Someday this friendship will have to end. I will be happy for her, but sad, lonely, and jealous for me. One can not be jealous if they're not in love. How in the hell I got myself in this situation is beyond me. I am in love with someone who does not love me back and I am totally clueless how to get over my feelings. But anyway, I've gotta try and so I am. I think I may get back into my games and computer nerd stuff. One can't be so lonely when they're busy focusing on other things. I don't think trying to date someone else would help. I am sure I might find someone wonderful, with just one problem. They wouldn't be her. They wouldn't be my love. They wouldn't be the woman I love so much. And that would not be fair to whoever they are. I can't exactly love another if my heart's done run off with her. I love you with all of my heart. So much that it's hurting me. I want you to be happy, even if it's not going to be exactly what will make me happy. It will be consolation enough just to know you're going to be okay. This not despite the fact that I love you but because of it. Your happiness means a lot to me because you mean a lot to me. But damn, this is going to hurt so bad. It's like being on the Titanic, knowing it's headed to the bottom of the ocean. It's like being on a train you know is gonna wreck. It's like being on a plane you know is about to crash. There is no stopping the way I feel. There is no changing the impossibility. I wish her all the happiness in the world. When you really love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it's gonna send you into a tailspin of sadness and despair. You want what will make them happy, not what will make you happy. I want every dream for her, everything she could ever want. I only wish that I could be the giver of all those things. If wishes were horsepower, I'd be a Camero. I'd probably get pulled over by the reality police. "Son, do you realize how fast you were falling in love?" No officer I didn't. "Bullshit! Hands behind your back! I'm taking you to the Heartbreak Jail Hotel!"