Hello There!
Universe Kenobi!! You are a bold one.
Seriously, I miss you. I swear my mind is a totally strange place. How did I begin this? You are one with the universe. Therefore, you are the universe. The next added layer seems to be equating you to Obiwan? Well, he's a good Jedi, no doubt. But we're more like Anakin and Ahsoka, in my opinion. Oh, well. Another week, another rambling. Here I go again. Reality is a hell of a thing, especially when one spends most of their time in a daydream. I have a very sweet dream. Reality is the bitter aftertaste. It may be an all new round of mind vs. heart. Those inner conflicts are always quite the fun-house ride. I say to myself to follow your heart but use your brain. Fine advice. But, what do you do when each is pulling you in opposite directions? Yes, emotion vs. logic. The heart doesn't give a damn about the odds and cares even less for the situation. Sis, I think you would approve of her. The way our personalities go together like peanut butter and jelly, I think you would have been friends. But it's the situation and the circumstances. Both hers, and mine. I know I'm only dreaming, and I seriously doubt it's a two-way dream. Hearts hallucinate, as Jewel Kilcher sings. And mine might as well be Timothy Leary right now. My heart is tripping. My mind is, on the other hand, quite sober. It's just a Jedi mind trick that gets me through some lonely days. Nights, I can sleep away, but days are another matter. Once upon a time, I believed I could fix everything, just charge in and solve every problem. In my naivety, I truly believed I could. Maybe too many stories with happy endings filling my head, too many unlimited possibilities filling my heart. When in reality, I had several unsolved problems of my own. So, the logic being that if I can not fix everything of my own, there is no possibility of superhero-ing my way through someone else's. So, in the end, after so much tragedy, after so much heartache, I realized that I have only two powers: the power to listen and the power to care. They may not be superpowers, but I shall give them everything I've got. See, in this crazy, real world, nobody is the rescuer all the time. In this imperfect but deep reality, we tend to take turns rescuing one another. And maybe, this is how it should be. Nothing says I love you, nothing says I trust you, quite like "I'm not afraid to be human in your presence." I sometimes still wish I could be that hero, that knight, charging into your rescue with a flashy film star grin. It breaks my heart that I can't always be that. Yet it's kinda poetic that we rescue each other like that. And rescuer or rescued, You will always be a hero to me. I am generally not a jealous person, or at least that's what I would like to believe. With maybe this one exception: It kinda-sorta grinds my freaking gears to see those who show a clear lack of appreciation for what many of us out here on the perimeter would damn near sell our souls for. Do not curse your winning lottery ticket, your lucky break, or your significant other who brings so much more to the table than just themselves. They're like a dummy in the middle of a desert complaining about the water that sustains them. How did that song by Steely Dan go? "You wouldn't know a diamond if you held it in your hand, the things you think are precious, I don't understand." But, maybe I should also say I am done with this world and its stupid games.
When I say to somebody I care about, "I want you to be happy." or "I hate to see you so sad." It isn't just an altruistic statement. See, it seems the stronger my caring, the more strongly I feel whatever they feel right along with them. I swear it's like a strong signal on an adjacent wavelength to my own crossing over and taking over. Believe me, it's no fun at all. And it's not like I do this on purpose. In fact, there have been times I wished I was like Commander Data from Star Trek. Who hasn't wished for an off switch? I always say follow your heart but use your brain, but it's kinda complicated when they each want to go in opposite directions. So much for this grandly designed life. Here I am, a soul in the hell of loneliness, finding an equally lonely soul that I wish I could be one for. Yet, since I genuinely care for her, I would rather things get better in her current life, even if that happening would leave me as empty as I ever was. She loves someone. I see that love and the hurt in her eyes. Damn it, I feel it in my heart. Damn this messed up brain and these feelings I can't help but have for this beautiful soul. Life has to be a punishment. And I have to say, it is uber effective. If some invisible sky guy really wants me in hell, well, it seems I am already there. I wish I could be the one to make her happy. But I know in my heart that if a certain somebody would get off their sorry ass and give her the love, appreciation, and belonging she damn well deserves, that would be best for her. I'll still be out here on the perimeter, cold and alone, but at least I would have only my own pain to feel and the thought of her happiness to maybe comfort me. Damn it. I hate this life. Okay, I admit it. I love her. That's one hell of a thing to say, given the circumstances, but there's no sense denying it. It has been many years, but I still know what it's like to love someone, to care for their feelings more than my own. Yet so many things are freaking impossible. Everything in my head may be a delusion for all I know, but my feelings are very much real. And just as a mature Philip J. Fry once said, "I want what's gonna make her happy, more than me." Yep. Life sucks and then you die. I don't know whether the latter is an added curse or a saving grace. Oh well, at least I still have the promise of Oblivia and her loving embrace. The beautiful goddess of oblivion will quite literally take away all of my pain. I have been thinking about it a lot, perhaps an unhealthy amount. I wonder if a hopeless desert is better without this taste of love and belonging without the dream of being held with love? Would no hope at all be better than this achingly beautiful dream of finally coming home to someone? I wonder as I wander through this life. I am tired. I am ready for either a change for the better or a merciful end. I am just so damn sick of everything. Look, I have to vent somewhere, and really, these days, this is the only place I can. This blog is the duct tape and gorilla glue for my mental health. It all comes out here instead of out in the world. It might not be a permanent cure, but it's all I have for now.
Universe, universe, universe. Please forgive me for the following confusion. Sometimes my mind speaks. Sometimes my heart talks. Just think of this as yet another storm of the mind, and just take anything from here on out with a grain of salt the size of the Empire State Building. Thank you. Now let us begin. My dear special friend, my beautiful special friend. My heart goes out to you. There is so much. I wish I could say. You are the island of light in my days. Did you know that? Today was maybe the first time I have truly laughed out loud in weeks. It was also the first time I saw your smile in a while. Everything is just better when you're around. What is it about you that brings me out of this gloominess simply by your presence? Am I in love? Is that the word for these feelings I have for you? Or is it that there's something that may be wrong with me? After all. I have been feeling quite down and lonely of late, and maybe it's just that you are the only person I know that can so easily chase those feelings away and fill me with such happiness just by being there? Hearts do hallucinate, man do they ever. Could it be me? The last thing I would ever want to do is ruin this good thing I seem to have going. Your friendship means a lot to me. You.... mean a lot to me. I would practically sell my soul just to be in the shoes of the one you love so much. I would know to appreciate everything you are, everything that you do. I would shower you with the love and respect I know you deserve. Maybe it really is just me, a mirage, a fever dream, but it seems my caring for you continues to strengthen every day. I guess I've got to live with these feelings. I could never call them wrong or misplaced. You deserve to be loved. And of course you are. It just happens to be by me. This is a picture of the thoughts that circle my brain. These are the things I manage not to say. I guess hiding love and affection is better than hiding hatred or malice, right? I will only actually say anything when and if it is ever appropriate. Social anxiety combined with having this intense crush is sure to make for smooth talking, right? Right? Right? I guess it doesn't matter anyway. Like I said, it's just a daydream. Friendship is important too, you know. And there are things we can't simply make happen. It's either there or it's not. I am not so far gone that I can't grasp this simple truth. A lot of this is just me in a lot of ways. I'm just Jedi mind tricking myself. That's all it is. Maybe if the fates and the gods and the spirits or whatever will someday have mercy on me. Either by granting me the love and belonging I need so much, or just by taking me out completely. It is getting to the point where I really don't care which. It's just so long as this ends. Either way, my main wish is happiness for my special friend.
So it is simply time for Major Tom to come back to earth and to know my place in it. It can sometimes be an empty place indeed. This world is so full of people, but it often feels empty, lonely. I don't mind these long days, if I could simply come home each evening. This empty falling down house is just not a home to me. The only thing I can look forward to is sleep. But sleep unfortunately ends. I must wake up and go again. It would be okay if there were at least one human being who cared about my day, who might even look forward to seeing me again. I have spent so many years of my life trying to do what's right. It hasn't gotten me anywhere. Maybe I have three sons who care for me and appreciate that I was there for them as a parent should be. Once, I had a baby sister who believed in me more than I believed in myself, who didn't seem to mind that I'd go crying to her about this shit-show of a life. At least, I once had a best friend. Really, nobody could ever fill those shoes. It just would not be possible. You've gotta be wired similarly to me to really understand. And such a person just probably does not exist. I care for my friend very deeply, but I am probably in love with an ideal image that is only in my mind. And it would be most unfair for me to superimpose that image on a friend. I want this person to have what will make them happy, even if it is not an answer to my own dreams. That's what love is supposed to be about, caring for another more than ourselves. And this is why I must come down to earth. I have since considered deleting all this rambling above. But, I still want these letters to be the truth of my thoughts and feelings. And it seems, regardless of the situation, facts, possibilities, or the lack thereof, my feelings for this person run deep. Even if everything else is a delusion, my feelings are real. I just love this person, and I can't really change the way I feel. Maybe time will bring clarity as I try to get on with my life. Hearts hallucinate. Jewel was definitely right to say so. It seems my heart gets higher than Snoop Dogg, then falls to earth like Wile E Coyote. And it's nobody's damn fault but my own. Why do I keep doing this to myself. It's so stupid. It's like I set myself up to come crashing down. What am I, some kind of masochist? Really? Just what in the hell is wrong with me? I should really know better. Wait. I actually do know better. But it's the mind and heart thing. This battle between mind and heart is leaving the land in ruins, And I just so happen to be the land. And this heart could give a damn about logic, reason, or knowing better. I guess it's really no good to try and solve anything. I'm not a hero. I can't be Mister Fix-It for anybody else if I can't even get my own damn ducks in a row. Everything's just fucked and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Who wants to feel helpless, hopeless, with no way out but one? What kind of an existence is this? Nothing. It is just nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing that will matter to anyone outside of this mind and heart. Nothing. Fucking impossible. I guess I might as well wait to rebuild myself after I fall apart. Because this is really all my own fault. The problem is that there are many situations far easier to fall into than fall out of. I guess that's why they call it falling. It is not so easy to escape while still having breath left. Damn it. Just what is wrong with me. I am so sick of everything. This has nothing to do with anyone else. Help me, Universe Kenobi. You are all the hope that ever was. Sometimes it seems like a choice: Do I want to read the news headlines to feel more depressed, or should I take it to a personal level and let the social media vortex suck the life-force out of me? Which way, human? Pick your poison. Which way do I wanna feel bad? Do I want to see the waste of a million human lives, or do I want to focus on the depressing facts about my own life? Which way, outwardly or inwardly? Friends, once you start down certain paths, there is no turning around. As Yoda might say, forever will they dominate your destiny. There is always the morning you leave home for the very last time, and I am not just talking physically. Home is not a geographical location alone. It is a place and time and the people you love. When the time and the loved ones are gone, you can never again come home. Sometimes there is no going back. Not now and not ever. You just don't always know when it is the last time, the final time.
I have long used writing to try and sort out all of these thoughts and feelings. However, I will never make the claim my writings are not just as irrational as my feelings are. When I say Cosmic Wie's going to space, It means I have taken off on another one of my tangents. You, my dearest friends, Romans, Robots, and strangers can come along on these great adventures. Just be sure to sign the waiver before you climb aboard. I am a mess. Social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, and the serious flaw of wearing my heart on my sleeve, and my emotions on my face. I try to channel as much as I can into these words so i don't make a total fool of myself out in the world. But I guess I've got to do this somewhere, so here I am. Even if something is supposedly only in my mind, that's where my heart lives. I do my best to see things though other eyes, but that's only my best guess. My entire world is my mind, or at least seen and felt through the lens of my thoughts and feelings. Like I said, my feelings are quite real. If I could dismiss them too, as a delusion, maybe I would be better off. But I simply can't. They're a part of me that if taken out of me, would leave behind a totally different person. My feelings are real because I am real. And there is really no right or wrong in our feelings, just in what we do with them. I try to channel them into these words to maybe sort out later, and generally to get them out of my head, if I can. What I can't channel here, I do my best to channel out in the world in a positive way. If I love somebody I try to help them in anyway I can. If I have empathy and compassion, I try to do something that maybe shows those feelings. I keep a close watch on myself to make sure I don't start gushing or blubbering like an idiot. (Out in the world, mind you) (I know I have done that here already in my above ramblings) (Gotta do this somewhere) Sometimes
I think the only way to stay sane (relatively speaking) is to go crazy
once in a while. It's not the only paradox I have encountered in my
life. It's a paradox, not a pair of Docs putting me in a weird jacket. Though if the professionals ever read through this stuff, they just might. Kidding! (At least I hope I am). (I am Napoleon and I demand a room with a view). Actually, this is how I keep my head together. Once I come back from my little journeys here, I am relatively back to my old self. Good 'ol Doctor Blog-ieo. You sure can't beat his prices, can you?
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