A Cloud In A Crowd

Hello, Universe. It is good to talk to you again.

It seems I always have my head in the clouds, either the light fluffy clouds of a daydream, or the dark heavy storm-clouds of stress and anxiety. Sometimes it's a weird mix. I'll probably never figure myself out, but all these walls of text do count as an attempt: Carry on. Anxiety is a storm of the mind. And like most storms, you've gotta just hunker down and ride it out. One can't exactly evacuate from a storm of the mind, can they? Just take slow, deep breaths, close your eyes, and say, "I'm okay." It is all going to be okay. We'll handle whatever happens. I'm okay, we're all okay. I am not sure if it jives with any professional's advice, but stigma and finances have often led many of us to figure stuff like this out on our own. Some ignorant people will tell you to tough it out and call you a buttercup. But you and I both know there is nobody tougher than one who has had to teach themselves. Nobody lonelier either. Nobody less judgmental of those who must fight the same battles, face the same jerks who don't understand. If it helps at all, I am one fellow human being who understands what it's like. It is not sympathy that most people seek, just a bit of understanding. Even a winning battle can feel hollow if nobody seems to get what you are going through.

 Well, that big solar eclipse wasn't total in my part of the world. Still, it was cool to see the TV footage from elsewhere. If I can live another 21 years, 4 months, my area will be at the exact center. Who knows if I will live that long or will still have my strength or my mind. I tell you this, folks: I don't want to go out the way my beloved elders did and are. If I have to go, I want it to be all at once and without any fear or pain. I do not wish to lose myself by bits and pieces. I wish either to live or die, no half-assed existing, depending on others to take care of my basic needs. No way. I want to live with dignity and go out the same way. It has been one hell of a crazy ride, my friends. I have had my highs and lows. I want to wrap this up on the highest of highs. There are no hangovers in the arms of Oblivia. It would be an understatement to say things have not gone according to plan. It's like the main event was a no-show. Expectations vs. reality is the bought of the century where none of the combatants get hurt. Only the poor soul having the former, yet facing the latter. I think a big puzzle piece in this, the human condition, is that while we think we know what we want, we really don't. Not really. Well, maybe we do in general, but as they say, the devil is in the details. So many situations in life are a package deal. The Pros are lovely, but there are Cons. And there is no getting the best of both while casting aside the downsides. In for a Penny, In for a Pound. And so, one has to decide which is better overall. And the truth is, my friends, I really don't know. There are pros and cons in my current situation. There were pros and cons in my previous situation. Currently, I am (mostly) happy. It may simply be the most I can hope for. Still, despite all the brave talk, we humans make for lousy hermits. Though, if it is my destiny, I plan on being the coolest mysterious recluse ever. Hawking knew it, and so did Einstein. Deep down, Newton knew it too, but in some ways, that dude was always in denial. Logic and reason tend to be better than ancient superstitions when it comes to getting down to the facts of the universe. I hate to break hearts, but the old fables just don't cut it anymore. I think beyond overcoming the vast distances of the cosmos, beyond perfecting nuclear fusion and its wonderful implications in such a way that doesn't create a miniature sun on earth, beyond perfecting robotics and AI in a way to give all humans the life of leisure that only the super rich enjoy today, Beyond conquering all the possibilities of the universe, I think we must first overcome ourselves and our outdated superstitions. The bright side? While human nature isn't perfect, there is beauty in those little quirks and quarks, for they are what makes us real. It is all the little flaws, those bits of roughness around the edges that give real substance to our existence. I am one hell of a mess, but I am real. I am not a computer generation projection of what somebody wishes to be. Although painting a clearer picture of my soul would be quite validating. Oh well, that's reality for ya. I may not understand completely, but I do care. And as far as understanding, I do try. There are some things I could never see, so much that I could never know. In the end, and for varying reasons, there are some roads we must walk alone, with struggles along the way we must face alone. That meme that is shared all over this place, "Be kind for everyone is facing their own battle." I wonder how many people are aware of its true meaning and depth. Nobody else can ever see firsthand what your eyes have seen. Nobody else can ever feel what is in your heart. The depth, the emotion, and the memory you wish would have the mercy to fade. And I would be the last one here to claim that anything is right. When it all comes down to it, nothing is ever 'only in your mind' because the mind is the very place everything lives. I far from know, but I do care. I do not completely understand, but I will try. 

About 12 years ago, I finally had enough of intrusive ads, making the internet unusable. The final straw was when I was browsing for software on a certain website of the seven seas, and suddenly, a large animated ad featuring full-on (Rhymes with ducking) going on. I had to quickly cover the screen because I wasn't the only person in the room, and I sure as hell didn't want to have to explain certain things yet. Look, I don't mind something respectful on a top or side banner, but anything that interrupts my reading or viewing is gonna straight up piss me off. I certainly won't be buying shit from whoever interrupts me. And so long as they try to, I will use blockers. And when they try to force me not to? Most times, I haf vays of accessing the content anyway. Many have tried, and many have failed. I tend to see it as a challenge, and I'm not going to lose.The way I see it is that life is short, my time is precious, and I don't have time for bullshit. Besides, after all these years, there's very little I need to go online for. Of course, I am still collecting Doom levels, but really, I have more levels than time to play through them. As for anything else, there's not much I want that I don't already have. See, I am from the days when computers were not constantly connected to the internet. You'd dial in, check your email, browse a bit, then log off. I will not pay for anything that can not be stored locally or can not be accessed without phoning home. If that makes me a relic, so be it. I think the world is way too connected these days. If it brought people closer together, I would be all for it, but it doesn't. I think it alienates us even more. I miss those early days, but we can never have that again. It's a different world from where I started. Some changes are awesome. Others, less so. I don't miss paper checks or having to run by the bank every time I got one, but I sure hate how everything is so connected that there are assholes all around the world trying to figure ways to steal from me. As for social media, you've probably already seen my rant, so I will spare you this time. The world is a different but not necessarily better place. I have seen a lot of changes. I sure miss handwritten letters on pretty stationery. I miss there being people who liked me enough to send them. I guess I miss many things my current self would appreciate oh so much more than the one who was there at the time.

I will say again that the fable of the fox and the grapes was a good lesson to prepare us for adulthood when we were kids. No wonder foxes were depicted as crafty and wise in these stories. Sour grapes? Figuratively speaking? Who needs em? Be mindful of any figurative gateways in life. Do not step through if you can not truly see where they lead. Outside appearances can be deceptive. Mario didn't turn out to be the better choice, did he? Loved his mushrooms more than he loved you, did he? Oh, but hey, he was rich and very flashy, right? Silly girl, didn't you know that star only lasts a little while? Just a Goomba in disguise. And now your prince is in another castle. Duh. Or should I say dudda dudda dudda? Two turtle birds and partridge in a biting tree. Everyone goes for the glitter and the glamor. Everybody mines the fools gold. All for the glitter and never for the real. And yadda yadda Yoda, that is why you fail. Your prince is in another castle. All the while my special friend has returned and she is more real than you could ever be. It was never about being nice. It was always about being real, knowing the time, the place and the moment, knowing when and why. That never made me less, never diluted me, but still here when the star ran out of flash, still real and still me. Now that the glitter no longer dazes you, I stand here clearly silhouetted against the sky, very clear but no longer within your reach. Maybe if you ask nicely, Luigi will be your friend. Of course, he's just Mario 2. And as for me, I'm movin' on.

Hello, my dear friend. It is so good to see you again. How have you been? Me? A lot bored and a bit lonely. In short, I have really missed our talks. You always had a way of bringing me out of the gloom just enough so the rest didn't weigh me down at all. I am not sure how or what it is about you, But if I could bottle whatever it is, I'd be richer than Elon. I can't exactly describe it in so many words... Hmmmm. Your presence makes me happy? Yes. Close enough. Maybe even right on the money. Even if this all that will ever be, I shall still treasure this forever. In reality, I appreciate whatever I can have, and take my joy from the little moments of life. You are indeed a brightness for every room you walk into. There is beauty in simple friendship. It brightens my days and so do you. I can be happy without the expectations of going further. It is enough to stand in the sunshine, the warmth caressing my shoulders. I can be happy. I know I can. Surely I can. Can't I? I'm like Anakin Skywalker. I want more but I know I shouldn't. Then again, why not? Just what makes me unworthy of such love and belonging? Maybe it's that it's just too late for me. And such are the circles of thoughts that run through my mind. I am a grown rational human being. Still, I wished upon a solar eclipse, and here we are again. There are moments I wish I believed in magic, that planets align, that the deepest hopes, the most wonderful dreams can come true for only the asking. I wish it were true, that whatever spirits, whatever gods heard my wish and sent you back to me. What a lovely story. I wish I could believe in it. Sadly, I cannot live my life in a delusion. Reality is like a wolf at the door. Half the battle is at least acknowledging its existence. It is wonderful to dream, but there's a bit of myself that must forever dwell in the waking world. Daydreams, love, infatuation paint a picture of loveliness, of a place I could lose myself in happiness. But it's not real. Nor would it be right of me to compare you to some idealized illusion. I know this world, its time, and my place. I dream to take the edge off the emptiness. I pretend there is no void, no empty darkness, pulling me in like the supermassive black hole at the center of this whirlpool galaxy. It's damn difficult to pretend to never be lonely. It's damn harder to pretend I don't wish for more. In this imperfect, not so grandly designed universe, not every question has an answer, and not every soul has a mate. That's the sad truth about random chance. If I could believe in magic or miracles or wishes coming true, I would be waiting for the day I found myself in your loving embrace. Still, there's Oblivia. Still, there's eternity. Still, they're both waiting for me. In a world without magic, it's the best I can hope for. I can count the many ways dreams and wishes are just not possible for me. I know this. So, why do I still dream? I know it's impossible, out of time, out of my league. I am a rational human being after all. And if I can at least have friendship, I can live with that. It is just not my place, nor is it my time. Still, it saddens me, makes me wonder if there is anything left to live for. This beautiful, sweet, super smart, awesomely cool daydream. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I am under a spell. But I guess that just being beautiful and having a great personality just has that effect. No, I will not ruin our friendship by taking a step too far. I would be kicking myself for the rest of my life. Of course, she's not dumb. Heck, that's one of the many things I like about her. She's got an intelligence about her. She is also hard working, determined, and is a very interesting soul. A deep thinker, too. That's not very common these days. Who wouldn't want a friend like that? I guess I really need to get my head out of the clouds. Though, daydreaming is how I get through a lot of my days. Things can feel barren and glum without them. I guess it is okay to dream, so long as one remembers what reality is and can separate one from the other. I am not some crazy stalker here. Just a dreamer. As Alice Johnson once said, when dreams are all you have, you kinda become an expert. 

Today is food day. It began at about a half past three this morning when I left the house for the first food giveaway. Now it's about half past seven, and I'm waiting in the second. After this, it's to the grocery store to buy anything I still need. I've been cooking for my Dad as well as for my boys of late and the cupboard is sorta bare. I work full-time, but still need all the help I can get. After everything else, I've got to get gas, and then I'll finally be heading back to the old Ponderosa. The bug man will be dropping by on Tuesday, so I really need to catch up on my housework after putting up the groceries. Then I need to mow the lawn. After that, I plan on hibernating for the rest of the day. I am oh so sleepy bo peepy. I am not unlike your typical zombie, staggering around in a daze, looking for food. Luckily for my fellow humans, not hungry for brains. Food for thought, or would that be thought for food? Brainzzz! Hopefully this long line will start moving soon. I got a lot of stuff to do, and I want to relax and enjoy my afternoon later. Anyway I guess I have rambled long enough for this time. Sending wishes of beauty, happiness, awesomeness, love and belonging from my soul to yours. 

Much love and all the best.