I am well aware that I can't carry this whole world on my shoulders. There are so many things that are simply beyond my control. Even my own responsibilities can seem overwhelming, stifling, like walls closing in on me. It takes everything that I am just to meet them. And it just seems to be getting more difficult, financially, physically, spiritually, and mentally. Prices keep rising, my wages are stagnant, and now my hours are being cut. I worry about how much longer I can keep this together. I can only hope that my lifetime experience of having to do more with less will serve me well in these rough times. There are so many things I'd like to change, so many people I wish I could help. But it seems it's taking all I got to simply take care of myself. Life can seem so thankless in times like these. I'm down, depressed, worried about the future, and worst of all, It seems I am lonely. No matter how much I would deny feeling this way outside of these words. You, dear reader, are the only one in on this particular secret. I seem to go back and forth on that, and wow, do I ever! I am like a damn ping-pong ball. And none of this is exactly a conscious choice. Well, maybe at surface level, but it goes far deeper than that. How deep? Marianas Trench deep, my friends, far beyond even my own understanding. My best guess is that I am mostly reacting consciously to my subconscious actions, if that makes sense. I often wonder if we all are so much more then even we ourselves believe. The mind is a complicated thing, yet human needs can often be basic. Whirl them around in a conscious swirl and see just how simple they remain? The short answer? Not simple at all.
People used to tell me I was smart, rightly or wrongly, but the truth is I'm intelligent in some ways and pretty darned dumb in others. Computers, especially old ones? I'm Cyber Freakin Merlin, a Jedi Master in a galaxy of 1's and 0's. Interpersonal relationships? "I'm not a smaaaaat man, but I know what love is." As far as figuring out this government health insurance, I'm short bus special. Nothing (besides maybe my one marriage) has ever made me feel so stupid. I've got a little while to figure it out, but I'm already getting one hell of a headache. Further complicating my situation is my hours being cut at work. That is not a good sign. I have already been struggling financially as it is. Things are only going to get worse unless I can figure out what to do. Man, life sucks. And I sure as hell ain't getting any younger. There is no time for a midlife crisis. Besides, I can't afford a new sports car. I can't afford a new and uncharacteristic wardrobe. I've got nobody to run around with (or on for that matter). So tell me, Google, how do we do this midlife crisis thing on a budget? Meanwhile, a minor thought: Just because I'm talking to her does not mean I'm chatting her up for a date. I'm not going all Don Juan, Casanova, Supernova, or even Chevy Nova. It could be that I enjoy our conversations. Please don't scare the poor gal off by making her think I'm over the moon. Can't a human being, especially perpetually single human being, have friends? On the other side of that coin, it doesn't mean that I'm not. Still, and for the record and to (Nixon style haroooo) make this perfectly clear, no, I'm not. Just because she's beautiful, intellectually stimulating, funny, and yadda yadda Yoda does not mean I'm head over heels for her. However, speaking of falling, I'm not into pickup lines, so here you go with one: Tell her she's like that first cup of coffee. Looks good, smells wonderful, and how you'd absolutely love to wake up to her every morning for the rest of your life. Yes, I like her, but life circumstances, yadda yadda yoda. And speaking of coffee, or maybe tea, how about another clean cup move down, subject change? Yeah. Good idea. I don't need to be daydreaming here.
The differences between being a literal space cadet and a figurative space cadet aka an astronaut vs a daydreamer are probably many. However, I can point out one similarity: For both, reentry is going to be rough and will bring you way down. As they said in airplane 1 or was it 2? Flying low is a very important part of landing. And we can't all have the luck of Major Nelson. And how I went from "Airplane" to "I Dream Of Jeannie" is anybody's guess. There is a line from a Jewel Kilcher song that I can well relate to. Actually, friends, if people knew of all the songs I can relate to, they'd probably wonder about me, but still... Jewel sings about how a heart can hallucinate, when the lack of love is so overwhelming... And it makes you see things so differently. Perception can be everything, especially when you're starved for affection. I know this ideal vision in my mind can't exactly be real. It's like not knowing how hungry you are until you pass by a restaurant. It is sensory overload, and you feel as if you might wilt away and be taken away by the wind, empty with no meaning or substance. In other words, not cool, dudes. It has been a very long time. It's quite probable to be forever. I must find a way to live with that fact of living without. That's what it's like, having glitched out of the game. And, paradoxically, it is these ideal glimpses of what could be, what could have been, that really bring me down to the lowest low, the bluest blues, to this gloomy abyss of loneliness and self-pity. Damn it. Just what in the hell am I doing? Well, in a sense, the same thing I've always done. I chide myself for being silly, for keeping my head in the clouds, for being so damned unrealistic. I might quote Alice. Her words are so apt, for I give myself some very good advice, yet seldom ever follow it. Friends, that's me in more ways than anyone can ever know or realize. Believe me, this is the very core of my being. And how I idealize, fantasize, and daydream my life away. I spend so much time in my own little world. I know this can't exactly be a healthy coping mechanism, but I can't exactly stop. I guess it's healthier than booze, gambling, or drugs, but nowhere near the health of facing up to reality. And the more I dream, the more I see this rose colored vision of the ways things could be, the less I want to be here and now. Those are the darkest moments when I think literally nothing would be better. Not nothing but nothingness, the void, oblivion. And that is how I scare the daylights out of myself. I literally frighten myself with such thoughts. So I purposely go in the other extreme, magnifying glimmers of hope to blinding idealistic light. So much so that I can see angel wings on imperfect human beings. And that would simply be unfair to them, to put them on a pedestal so high, believing in figurative wings to bear them up. That would be expecting too much of them. We're all only human, right? We're all too human. And if there could be someday an equivalent to this daydream of love and belonging, It would be loving someone, flaws and all, a partnership on even ground so we can each be accessible, reachable to the other. An alliance, not worship, not ruling or being ruled. Just loving and working together to build something meaningful. It's probably not in the cards, but I guess that's why I dream. There are actually some days I am actually fine with the way things are. It's difficult to believe, especially by me in moments like this, but it's true. Yes, there are actually times when I feel I need only myself to know just who and what I am. Now is not one of those times. You might have even seen my fluctuations in these writings. It seems I am a different person depending on the times. I guess I am always of the belief that I do not need to be completed, but what exactly does that mean? It is not completion that I seek from another. More like love, belonging, and home. Yes, I am complete as I am, but even completion can feel lonely sometimes. It really is a hell of a thing. Remember my quote about what Bigfoot and the universe have in common? Big, a bit scary, and kinda lonely. Me, I'm average size, hopefully non threatening, but yep, still lonely. It's kind of developed into this permanent state. Well, maybe not, but it might as well be. I mean, ice is technically only frozen temporarily, but tell that to the deepest ice at the south pole. A million years is only temporary, but it might as well be forever to we mortal human beings. We human beings simply run out of time, and I am no exception to this rule. Love or oblivion, it's always going to be a question of one or both, and it takes no genius to figure out the order. And do you want to know the silliest, dumbest thing about this whole daydream? While the underlying reality of the situation never changes, the most ridiculous things can bring me way up or have me crashing down, feeling like crying. And it's so damn illogical, having absolutely nothing to do with the facts. It's a stupid roller-coaster ride, I know it is, Yet I can't seem to exit it. It's so ridiculous, and by letting these feelings lead me around, I am ridiculous. I know this intellectually, yet there is so much of my being that throws logic out of the window. One can't let their feelings overshadow their rational mind. It is most unbecoming of adulthood, especially middle-aged adulthood. I can almost hear my dear departed mother telling me to act my age. And it's true, she would be right (as she often was). I am way too old for this shit. I know this, but this old heart will not listen. And so goes the conundrum I find myself in. And with that, I think I'll order a nice clean cup move down.
Okay, okay, okay. What now? Or more to the point, What should I do now? I think taking a second job would be the best option if (and that is one hell of a word) if this company I work for is not going to shut down on me. I guess a second job could be anything, flipping burgers, stocking shelves, things I've certainly done before, even if it's been a long time. I actually like my current job, and I'd hate to leave it, especially if things pick up after a while. I spent 13 years in the land surveying business, and what I certainly learned there is that it all depends on the crew you find yourself on. Some crews work together well and get along well. It's almost like a group of friends that just happen to have a job to do. Some crews, however, do not get along and do not work together well. I remember one crew where I thought there was going to be a fistfight, and I sure didn't want to be caught in the crossfire (Cross fist?). There was another where the party chief and the instrument man were each scheming to get the other fired. So, it's really a roll of the dice. Nonetheless, I know a place that would hire me if I really wanted to go that route. I wonder if asking the boss how his crews get along with one another would give away my apprehension? That is not my first choice. See, outdoor jobs are lovely in the spring and fall, but absolutely suck in high summer and bleak winter. I like working indoors these days. Especially since I quit smoking or vaping. I have no reason to be out in the cold. Indoor work is just fine and dandy with me. I'd much rather stick with driving a forklift. It's a job I know well and I certainly like, except for the low pay and crappy benefits, and now they're cutting my hours too. There is just no mercy or even understanding for we minions. A living wage should not be too much to ask.
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