Haze And Dreams

I find myself in a world of haze, fuzzy wuzzy like a bear. I can almost hear the television snow that I see when I close my eyes. Is reality fading, or am I? When one longs for sleep as if it were a lover, when not one single dream, waking or sleeping, makes any sense at all, When the world seems to be far away waves, distant static observed from space, well, one must ask themselves just where in the universe they are. Oh, Universe, Universe, Universe, I know you are one with yourself, one with everything. But, where, in what direction? There are times you seem to be right here with me. There are times you seem to be everywhere I look, every thought I think. There are times you seem beyond the stars, beyond everything. Will I find you someday? Will you find me? Will I see you that very instant? Or will I awaken from the dream, brought back to the world by the shrill scream of the alarm clock. And do I really want to wake up at all? Que the robot. System start. Memory test ok. Autopilot engaged.

I am fairly sure that my mornings are all 90% autopilot. From getting up, to getting ready, and making my way to work. It's like I'm a robot. Which is good for my future in the workforce. They wouldn't dare replace a robot with another robot, would they? Priorities are a good thing when you're not exactly rich. It's not quite splitting the atom or decoding your own genome. It's called pay the bills first. I may not have the nicest things. I may not get out all that much. But I still have my hobbies and my happy moments. And I even treat myself once in a while, to some fast food, computer stuff, maybe a game here and there. And while asking myself, "What's due this month?" may not be the most exciting or glamorous part of adulting, those who believe in empowerment and independence will find it the fastest route to both. If you want to be in the drivers seat, you can't leave the wheel and the gauges and the road to random chance. If not at the helm, the Captain needs to at least be on the bridge. (Though I must admit that it's been a lot tougher since said bills and groceries have been going up while my paycheck stays the same) I am also one to believe 40 hours should cover basic needs and that overtime should cover a hell of a lot of wants. After all, few things are as precious as time. It's a balance between building that great pyramid for the Almighty Dollar and spending some time with those we love. Not to mention that we all need to unplug and reboot once in a while. Balancing time and money is its own tightrope ride. Neither are infinite, and you can't earn back time with those you've run out of time with. And that, for me, was the harsh reminder of 2022.

Man, these last few days have been all about sensory overload. I wonder how the figurative circuit breakers are holding up. There has been a lot going on, from my AC messing up, to crazy drug heads showing up at my door, to some heavy drama I can't exactly talk about. Then there's work, and it's been a crazy day. I feel weird. It's a fuzzy wuzzy world. I hope my AC compressor is in a working mood when I get home. I feel like I could sleep a long time. I have had this unsettled feeling for the past week or so. It's hard to describe except to say it's not the way I wish to feel. Even my sleep has been unsettled. I had this crazy dream the other night that I was working in an office in some sort of computer job. We we were all in this meeting, and all the other employees were getting the concept except for me. So, I had to go sit at the conference table next to the boss. When I saw him, I realized he was literally the devil himself, horns and all in a suit and tie. It's not the sort of dream a person of my specific belief should have. Can I take a vacation day, Mr. Satan? Oh well, my dreams are crazy like that. The heat has certainty been hellish. My AC being on the fritz has certainly increased that feeling. Though it seems to actually be working for now. No wonder I dreamed about office hell. 

I have been working on a combination of doing more outdoor work around the house and cutting my intake of calories. So far, I have lost about 6 pounds in the last week. I am working on finding the right balance while still getting the nutrition that I need. The human body just wants to be fat, I think. I don't want to be a skeleton, just a human being with a little less belly. Everything else is just fine and could even use a little more, but that gut has gotta go. So. This is where my efforts come in. No fancy exercises. Just burn more and consume less. I do love food, though. In a way, it's the only physical comfort readily available. Like I said, it's all about balance. Wish me luck if you will. I kicked the vape habit almost 6 months ago, and now I'm working on other things. I've just been working on making a better effort at improving my health, both mentally and physically. 2022 really was a low point for both. Finally, getting my yard in better shape helps both, really. There's a lot of things I can't fix or change, but there's also quite a bit that I can change if I make the effort. I am really wanting to do this for myself. It's never going to be perfect. Neither am I. But we certainly have room to improve things. Some things you've got to do for yourself and nobody else. I hope that with enough effort, enough patience, and enough perseverance, I will finally turn a few corners. I have been waking up in a bit of a haze. It is a fuzzy wuzzy world indeed. I wonder if it is the drop of calories in part that is making me feel that way. I have been holding steady at 6 pounds down, but I have found that I can't cut down quite so drastically. I am still trying to find that balance. Maybe some more heavy brush clearing over the weekend is the ticket, something where I can burn a lot of calories, yet not have to cut the intake as much. I guess we'll see, won't we? All I know now is I feel totally out of it when I really need to be concentrating. I've gotta have balance.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's not. But it seems that in addition to loved ones and close friends I have lost, these last few years have taken away bits and pieces of my childhood in the form of celebrities, who I in my silly way of thinking always thought would be around. Musicians, actors, actresses, and even pro wrestlers. I always picture these people to be far younger than they really are. But, since these awesome folks were part of my childhood and I'm getting old myself, I should know better. Eddie Van Halen, Glenn Fry, Kenny Rogers, Christine McVie, Prince, David Crosby, Gordon Lightfoot, and so many others, including The Exotic Adrian Street. He was a big part of the southern wrestling on Dothan Alabama's channel 4. The dude might priss and prance into the ring, but he threw one hell of a punch and could kick some major butt. One didn't mess with that guy. But he also did things like visiting a little girl in the hospital, making the day of a big fan, and showing how much of a stand-up guy he was. Mrs Linda, his wife, is another awesome person. She was a beautiful, strong woman, always by his side in everything he did, not to mention she could fight too. Could probably outfight a lot of guys. They were always nice to fans. Marsha actually talked to Mrs Linda on the phone once. Its hard to believe the man was 82 years old. But since I remember watching him on channel 4 when I was a little kid, I should know better. It's like they are forever young in my mind. Keep in mind my little delusion that the 1990's were just a few years ago, and the 80s were just a few more years ago. All these people that were stars of the 1970s and 1980s, when I was born in the 70s myself and happen to be getting old too. I guess time gets a bit distorted in my mind. I always thought of my parents as being younger than what they are/were. My mother was 73 when she died. My Dad is 74 going on 75. And my sister, my dear baby sister. She would have only been 42 this year. Einstein said that gravity and speed can warp time and space. But the same thing keeps happening in my mind. It's illogical. It's crazy. Maybe I am really a mad hatter after all. Okay okay okay. Clean cup move down.

You know, some days are longer than others. They may all have 24 hours, but man... Some really seem to take forever to get by. But the year seems to racing past. I mean it's August already. Now, there is one good thing: This is the first August in damn near two decades that I don't have to drop about $500 on school clothes and supplies. Back to school? Not my problem. Hopefully this means paying down, rather than running up debt. This time of the year was always tough financially. Now, maybe I have a bit of breathing room. One must always be mindful of this kind of debt as they make it so very easy to dig yourself deeper. I am resolved to fight it every paycheck, except for the one my car payment comes out of. Even this is worthwhile, though. I remember just how much I used to stress and worry about my old car breaking down. I've had my new car for almost 2 years and I hope that with proper maintenance, I can hold onto it well beyond the payments. Sadly, that is still a long time away. I am not really in a good position to build up savings, not until I can finally pay off all this that I owe. But, that would certainly be the next step. As they say, Rome was not built in a single day. I'm simply taking baby steps. It is a good thing to have goals, something to work toward. My main goals are slimming down both my body and my debts, along with catching up on the things around the house I actually have power over. Hopefully, I can burn calories while working in my yard, therefore working on two goals at once. I am really hoping I can hold to this plan. I know I will feel so much better in so many ways, physically, mentally, and spirituality. I think I just might be okay if I just invest in myself.