The Secret Spiral

Friends, Romans, Robots, And Strangers:

Maybe instead of calling all these ramblings my letters to the universe or my sister, or my sessions with Doctor Blog-ieo, or whatever, maybe I should call it the diary of unraveling. Sometimes I wonder if that's what this really is. It would even be ironic. The tapestry of my rationality unraveling as I knit together these words. Sometimes I really have to ask myself, what the hell? I can't point a finger in any specific direction as to why I am in such a messed up state of mind of late. If 2022 was going to drive me insane, I'm sure it already would've. Maybe it did? I guess I would be the last to know, right. The lovely Counselor Troi once said that if you can ask the question, then you're probably not. Of course, Marina Sitris is an actress and not a counselor, so go figure go fish. 

I have no idea of how many days, months, and years I may have ahead of me. I just have a vague impression of what they're going to be like. It does not bode well, especially on this down point on the 'ol sine-wave of life. I know I'll be much more optimistic when said wave is peaking, but for now.... Man, I just don't know. The kids are grown, and I don't see myself in some future romantic relationship. I am not sure I would even want such a thing. It's been 15 years since the divorce, and while I have healed, I sure don't want a repeat. I am just too damned old for mind games. Plus, I have never been so great at meeting people. The ex? She was the former girlfriend that just kinda showed up on my doorstep, and I let her in. I've never been so good at pursuing, only at being pursued. You know, wired differently from the average dude? Take that as you will. But, It doesn't take much calculation to know that my remaining years are going to be very lonely indeed. I am too old for stressing or worrying or drama. Worse, I'm too old to even try and be truly myself. And at this point, I am starting to wonder about even this. It is too late for me, my friends, far too late. Why? For the longest time, I was not ready. For the longest time, the world was not ready. And this is a world that with readiness so unevenly defined, and not everywhere at once. Maybe at another point in spacetime, I could have awakened into my dream, That beautiful dream of the looking glass rarely glimpsed but clearly seen. And how I wanted so much to be there. It's not the big moments, good or bad. It's not so much the sudden changes that each have brought. Good or bad, moments end. What doesn't end, at least not yet, are the days and weeks, months and years beyond those moments, when one realizes there is no going back. It's not the moment, it's the ever after. It is the echo of those moments and the silence of a voice. It is the reminder of memory and the confusion of dreams. Hereafter, hereafter, hereafter. Evermore. It's kicking the raven out of your room, out into the darkness of the night's plutonian shore, merely for speaking the truth. I know I haven't been very visible (IRL) of late. It's that familiar talk of how it's my own mess. The whole "It's not you, It's me" sorta thing... I have seen it before and it will no doubt pass. It's the tide, and the low tide is always proceeded and succeeded by the high tide.. Meanwhile, it's a matter of waiting it out... I just haven't been feeling all that good. But, I promise I'll be back like Armhold Musclehuggah. I know the possibility seems remote when I feel like this, but I am also familiar with the pattern. I'm just at low tide, that's all. My mind knows. I only wish my heart did, too. It's not really my desire to close myself off from the world. And I'm awfully lonely. It's just that I feel so damned drained and exhausted. Socializing just takes a lot out of me. It is one hell of a catch 22. Leave me alone, but please don't leave me alone. I don't understand any better than you might. I'm lonely as hell, but I'm just not up to dealing with people. What exactly do I want? I wish I knew. To fall into a pair of understanding arms who don't expect an explanation? I can't do words right now, but I could be held and be at peace for the duration. Could there even be such a thing? Just hold me.. Not exactly something I can ask of a stranger, is it? It's not exactly something I could ask of anyone I know. And the real kicker is I only feel this way at times like these. If I were at high tide, I would be content to be along with all these superficial hobbies of mine, my digital museum in honor of my digital life, my digital pyramid in honor of my sister. I am quite content at being alone when I'm figuratively surfing in on the tide. It's when that wave crashes, and so do I that loneliness starts to hurt again. I can't do like some poor souls do, giving everything I have for some online scam. Besides, it takes far more than a pretty picture to capture my soul. I can't understand giving everything you have to an illusion. Though my ex, real and in the flesh, was mostly illusion too, and I certainly gave most of what I had at the time to her. But that's a subject I am not up to talking about right now. I need a new north star. I really do. And no, that star cannot be religion. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I need the real universe. I need a real guiding star, not an illusion. I need a new north star. I need a new compass. I need a new direction. In short, I need a new reason to live.

I wish I could fill my head with better things to think about. The problem is I have little control of where my mind wanders or how it wonders. I want better memories at the forefront and dreaded hospital rooms and painful goodbyes stored in the dusty darkness. But, human memory ain't exactly like computer memory. It's a bummer, really. There are so many memories I'd like to save a thousand times. There are others I'd love to permanently delete and defrag my braindrive just to be sure they're gone forever. There are people I want to remember, happy and healthy, laughing and smiling, all the things that made them so wonderful.... beautiful. In short, I'd love to keep the good memories, delete the bad ones, and totally purge the traumatic. Some say we need the bad. I say ignorance is bliss. Another thing is replaceable memory cards, since I am about as forgetful and absent-minded as Professor Farnsworth. A-wha? Yes, my brain has been quite fuzzy wuzzy of late. Between the heat and the worry, I think my old cpu has been running a bit too heavy of late. I think I need a serious reboot. My body, too, must think it's time to hibernate. But, see what I mean? I could sleep and sleep and sleep, and it never seems to be enough. Deep sleeping and strange dreams right on, like weird software running in the background. One of them was about nothing but cleaning. I must have swept and mopped and scrubbed all night. It was not even my own house but some store. Grocery store, maybe? I can't even remember if I got finished with it. It was like a compulsion. Mopping, scrubbing, taking out the trash. Wash, rinse, repeat. Strangest dream I've had in a while. Meanwhile, every day this week has been about passing out when I get home well before the sun goes down, yet still having one hell of a time waking up in the morning. Somebody's found my off switch again. I can't understand how I can sleep so much and still be this damn tired. Maybe it's this crushing heat. It's been one hell of a summer. I dread the electric bill. I know it's gonna be a doozy, as will the next few. I've been running the AC like crazy... And maybe that's why... That cool AC and that fan are like Mike Tyson: They knock me out almost instantly.